Date sent: Tue, 05 Aug 1997 18:37:50 -0700 From: Alison Packard To: gossamer@akamail.com Subject: Story: More Sein-Files TITLE: More Sein-Files AUTHOR: Lainie RATING: PG CLASSIFICATION: CSH SPOILER: Several episodes of Seinfeld KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully SUMMARY: Companion piece to "The Sein-Files". Just more fun with the characters of my two favorite shows. If you don't watch Seinfeld, you probably won't get some of it. Please archive Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully don't belong to me. Either do any of the Seinfeld characters or ideas. I'm just having a bit of fun with them, no infringement intended. Thanks to all of the folks who emailed me with their thoughts on "The Sein-Files". It gave me the courage to try a follow up. If you would like to comment on this story please send feedback to aepacka@pacbell.net ******************************************************************** J. Edgar Hoover Building Washington, D.C. Dana Scully stepped out of the elevator and into the hallway of the tenth floor. She had just come up from the basement office that she shared with her partner, Fox Mulder. As she strode determinedly down the hall she barely acknowledged greetings from several fellow FBI employees. Running the gauntlet. That's what every trip up from the basement seemed like recently. Ever since she had sent out those damn Christmas cards she had become the joke of the building. As she passed by two men she heard the unmistakable sound of snickering, and the name she had begun to dread. Just as she passed them, she suddenly stopped and turned on her heel. She stared at them intently, eyebrow raised menacingly. Both of the men were frozen in the ice of her glare. They cleared their throats, looked guiltily at each other, then turned away, suddenly very eager to get back to whatever it was they did at the Bureau. Scully turned and continued down the hall towards Skinner's office. Skinner's assistant showed her into the office saying that the A.D. would be with them momentarily. Them, meaning her and Mulder. Mulder was already in the office, Scully had been running a bit late and he had gone on ahead of her. She stepped in and saw Mulder sitting in one of the chairs facing Skinner's desk. "Hey, Scully," he said grinning at her. "I was wondering when you would show up. What took you so long?" "I was on the phone with my mother," Scully replied as she took the chair next to him. "Your mother? Is everything okay?" he asked, concerned. Scully looked at him, her eyes flashing, "Mulder, my life has become a living hell because of that STUPID Christmas card! I can't believe I let Frohike talk me into posing for that picture. Not only is my mother upset because most of our family friends have seen it, but now everyone in this building is calling me Nip! Now you tell me, do you think everything is okay?" she finished angrily. Mulder leaned forward in his chair towards her. "Scully, I loved your Christmas card," he whispered seductively. "I bet you did," she replied sarcastically. "It's a side of you I've never seen before." "It's all your ever going to see Mulder," she paused and took a deep breath, then exhaled it slowly to calm herself down. It wouldn't do any good to be so upset when Skinner arrived. "You know Mulder, the next time I see Frohike, I think I will kill him with my bare hands," she said with deadly calm. "You act like he knew your nipple was showing Scully. He probably didn't even notice it." "Yeah, and pigs fly," she paused. "I'm never sending out another Christmas card as long as I live." "Damn it, Scully! I was looking forward to seeing the other nipple next Christmas." Before Scully could manage a suitable retort, the office door opened and their boss, A.D. Walter Skinner entered the office. "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully," he acknowledged them as he walked to his desk. "Do you have the report from your trip to New York?" He sat down behind the desk facing them. Mulder leaned forward and handed him the file. "Yes, sir. It turned out to be a routine case for the NYPD. It's all detailed in the report." Skinner took the report from Mulder and set in on the desk in front of him. He opened the folder and skimmed through several pages, then closed it, seemingly satisfied with the contents. He looked up at them, "I'm sending both of you back to New York. You leave tomorrow." Before either Mulder or Scully could say anything, he continued, "There's a stalker case that I thought you might be interested in." Mulder leaned forward expectantly "Has this stalker murdered anyone?" Skinner grimaced, "No, not yet Mulder, but I thought this case would be right up your alley. This stalker dresses up like a clown." "A clown?" Scully echoed. "Yes, a sad, tragic clown," Skinner replied. "As opposed to a happy, jolly clown?" Mulder asked. Skinner frowned at him. "With all due respect, Sir," said Scully, "If this clown hasn't murdered or kidnapped anyone, why is the Bureau getting involved? This isn't our jurisdiction." "He's threatened The Comedian of the United States. I think that makes it our jurisdiction, Agent Scully." He handed them a envelope. "Here is more information plus two tickets to New York for tomorrow morning." Skinner stood up. Mulder and Scully both stood as well. They knew Skinner well enough to know when they were dismissed. "Now if there isn't anything more, I think you two should review the information I just gave you." Mulder and Scully walked out of the office and as the door closed, they turned and looked at each other. "The Comedian of the United States?" they both said in unison. ****** "Skinner is losing it, Mulder," Scully said as they waited for the elevator to take them back down to their basement office. She turned to look at him, his hand was up at his nose. "Mulder!" she cried. His hand stilled, then he drew it down, guiltily. "Scully, that wasn't what it looked like," he said. "Mulder, you were picking your nose! That is disgusting." "I was scratching my nose, it just looked like I was picking it from your angle," he said turning red. "Scully, it was a scratch, not a pick. "Looked like a pick to me," she said as she looked at him with disgust. "Scully, there was no nostril penetration. There has to be nostril penetration for it to be a pick." "You're just saying that because you got caught," she said haughtily. The elevator doors opened and Scully walked inside, Mulder followed her. Scully pressed the button for the basement floor and the doors closed. The elevator started its descent. "Scully, I was scratching my nose! I had an itch. Don't you ever get an itch around your nose?" "It looked like a pick to me, Mulder. You're just embarrassed because you got caught and you're trying to justify it." As the elevator doors opened at the basement, they both got off the elevator and headed towards their office. "Yeah, well, even if it was a pick, it's better then sending out a Christmas card to about a zillion people with one of my nipples showing!" Mulder said heatedly. Scully turned suddenly and Mulder almost ran into her. "Don't go there, Mulder." she said icily. "I'm only going THERE, because you forced me to Scully." "Mulder, I'm warning you!" Scully said, her eyes shooting daggers at him. "Oh, I'm shaking in my boots....Nip!" he said trying to goad her. Scully raised both of her hands and rammed them into Mulder's chest as hard as she could. "Get out!" she yelled. He staggered back, unprepared for the force of her blow. She opened their office door and walked inside slamming the door behind her. After a few seconds the door opened again, and her head poked out, "And stop calling me Nip!" She slammed the door again. Mulder could hear the sound of it reverberating in his head. He put his hands up to his chest rubbing the spot where she had pushed him. "What did I do?" Mulder whined. He glanced at the door and decided that he had better not go in there right now, especially if he valued his life. ******************************************************** John F. Kennedy Airport New York The next day "Scully?" Mulder said. Scully didn't reply or even glance in his direction. "Scully, you're going to have to talk to me sooner or later." Scully spared him a chilling glance and walked toward the rental car counter. "Scully," Mulder tried again as he walked behind her. Scully relished the pleading tone in his voice. "Damn it, Scully! I'm sorry!" he said. Scully stopped and turned to face him. "Excuse me? What was that you said Mulder?" "I said, I'm sorry," he replied, "I was wrong." "You were what? I didn't quite catch that," Scully said, enjoying the fact that Mulder was quite uncomfortable. Mulder gritted his teeth. "I said I'm sorry, and I was wrong. Will you forgive me?" "I'll think about it," Scully said and turned and walked toward the rental car counter with a smile on her face. From behind, Mulder watched her walk away. "I have no hand in this relationship, no hand at all," he muttered and started following her. This was going to be a long trip. ************** Lower Manhattan New York Mulder and Scully stood in front of an apartment building in the Lower Manhattan area of New York. After spending most of the day tracking down anyone with information about the Clown Stalker, they had one more person to interview. "Scully, this is it," said Mulder looking up at the address on the outside of the building. Scully sighed. "Okay, let's do it. After all this walking around, I'm ready to drop. I'm glad this is our last interview tonight." Mulder nodded in agreement, not only were they both tired, but it was damn cold out. He would be glad to get back to their hotel. They headed into the building. When they reached the door of the apartment number they were given, Mulder knocked on the door. After a few seconds a woman's voice answered, "Who is it?" "FBI, Mrs. Benes. We have some questions for you," Mulder replied. The door opened a bit, the chain still attached. A petite, dark haired woman's head was visible between the door and the door jam, "Some me some ID," she said. Mulder and Scully both took out their badges and showed them to the woman. She unlatched the chain and opened the door for them. As Mulder and Scully entered the apartment, she motioned them to have a seat on the sofa as she seated herself on a chair opposite them. As they sat down, Mulder said "I'm Special Agent Fox Mulder and this is Special Agent Dana Scully. You are Mrs. Benes?" She smiled at Mulder, "Yes, I'm Elaine Benes, but it's Miss, not Mrs.," she stressed emphatically, looking directly at Mulder. Scully rolled her eyes. "Miss Benes, we're investigating a stalker case and we were told that you placed a call to the police several months ago regarding a man whom you believed was stalking you." "Please, call me Elaine," she smiled at Mulder. "And yes, I did call the police about Crazy Joe Davola. He was stalking me," she leaned forward in her chair towards Mulder. "He even had a shrine to me in his apartment." "A shrine?" Scully asked. "Yeah, I had been dating him and I decided to just drop by his apartment." "Oh, men like THAT," Mulder muttered to himself. "Excuse me?" said Elaine. "Please continue, Ms. Benes," said Scully while darting a warning glance towards Mulder . "You dropped by his apartment and then what happened?" "Well, when I got there, he wasn't in the room, but I noticed that there were dozens of pictures on one of his walls. When I got a closer look at them, they were all of me!" she paused dramatically. "You can imagine how shocked I was." "Yes, I would imagine you would be," replied Scully. "What happened then?" "Joey came into the room and saw me looking at the pictures. I knew I had to get out of there because, OBVIOUSLY, he was a lunatic. He tried to stop me and, believe you me, I had to do some fast thinking to get out of there! He wanted to KILL me!" Mulder sighed, "Did he have a weapon? Did he threaten you?" "He didn't have a weapon, but he was real scary. He kept calling me Netta! When I tried to leave, he barred the door. I finally had to spray him with Binaca." "Binaca? The breath freshener?" Scully asked. "Yes. Cherry Binaca. It blinded him, and I was able to run out of the apartment." "Cherry Binaca," Mulder mused. He looked at Scully "Why do you suppose they didn't invent Cherry Binaca first? They know we like the cherry, why don't they just give us the cherry first?" Scully looked at Mulder blankly. Elaine smiled at him, "You know, that's exactly what my friend Jerry said when I told him about the Binaca." After a moment of silence, Scully spoke, "So, was this the last time you saw this Joe Davola?" "In a manner of speaking. The next time I saw him, he was dressed up like a clown and he was after me and Jerry while we were waiting in line at the opera." "Your friend, Jerry?" Mulder asked. "He was being stalked too?" "Yeah, Joey thought that Jerry ruined some deal of his at NBC. All the time Jerry talked about his Joe, I didn't connect him with my Joey," Elaine looked at Mulder. "Can you believe the coincidence of that?" "It is quite a coincidence," Mulder murmured as he looked at Scully. "So that was the last time you saw Davola?" Scully asked. "Yes." "No threats, no phone calls, no letters?" "No, nothing." "So, at this point, you aren't worried about your safety?" Mulder asked. "Well, I haven't been because it's been so long. I figured he either got some help or left the city. Jerry hasn't heard anything from him either." "What does your friend Jerry do? Does he work at NBC?" Mulder asked . Elaine snorted, "He wishes! He did do a pilot for NBC, but they didn't pick it up. It was a show about nothing! Can you believe that? A show about nothing. Like anyone would watch that," Elaine smiled at Mulder, "I think they should do a show about what you guys do. I bet it's real exciting." Mulder smiled back "It has its moments, but I don't think anyone would be too interested in what we do," he turned towards Scully. "Right, Scully?" Scully half smiled, "Right, Mulder, it's hardly Must See TV. Ms. Benes, what line of work is your friend Jerry in?" "He's a comedian." Scully glanced at Mulder, "A comedian, that's interesting." Scully made a few notes in her notepad. "Elaine, do you know if your friend Jerry contacted the police about Mr. Davola?" "I think he said he called the FBI, but they wouldn't do anything. He was really mad. He said they would have done something if he was the President of the United States," Elaine laughed. "He told me they should have done something because he was The Comedian of the United States. Can you believe that? The Comedian of the United States. Like he's the official comedian!" she paused, "You know, Jerry and I used to date, but we're just friends now." Elaine looked at Mulder and smiled, "What's your situation?" she asked. "My situation?" Mulder replied. "Yeah, your situation. Married? Girlfriend?" "I don't have a situation," Mulder stammered, turning red. "I don't have the time, too busy, not home a lot. I'm not good situation material." "Oh, that's too bad Agent Mulder," said Elaine. "That's a real shame," she said looking him over. Scully smiled to herself as Mulder squirmed in his seat. Elaine turned to Scully, "So, you guys work together alot?" "Yes, we been partners for several years," Scully answered. "Have you two ever thought about getting together?" Elaine asked. Mulder suddenly had a coughing fit. Scully turned to look at him, he was beet red. "Ms. Benes, we ask the questions here, and that really has nothing to do with our investigation," Scully stood up and Mulder followed suit. "I think we're finished with our questioning this evening," Scully headed towards the front door. "We'll call you if anything further comes up. Thank you for being so cooperative, you've been a big help." Scully opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, Mulder followed her. They both turned and looked back at Elaine as she held the door open. "I was glad to help," said Elaine. She looked at Mulder, "If you need anything else, you just call me. Day," she paused, "or night." "We'll do that, Ms. Benes. Thanks again," Mulder grasped Scully's elbow and directed her towards the elevator. "C'mon Scully, let's go." They turned and started walking in the direction of the elevator. Scully turned around and looked back towards Elaine's apartment. Elaine was still at her door watching their progress down the hall. Scully laughed and whispered, "I think she's got the hots for you Mulder." "Very funny, Scully," Mulder said as they reached the elevator. He pushed the button. "Scully, I think Skinner has sent us on some wild goose chase. No one we talked to today has seen or been threatened by this Clown in months." The elevator arrived and Mulder and Scully stepped into it. Scully pushed the button for the lobby. "I think you're right Mulder. There doesn't seem to be anything here." "Why don't we grab some take out, go back to the hotel, work on the report and head back to D.C. tomorrow?" Mulder asked. "Sounds good to me," Scully replied as the elevator doors opened at the lobby floor. As they both stepped out and headed out the door Scully suddenly laughed. Mulder turned towards her. "What's so funny?" he asked. "Can you believe she thought our jobs would make a good television show?" Scully replied. Mulder laughed, "I know. No one would believe that any of the things we've seen could actually happen. If I wasn't actually living it, I wouldn't believe it myself." "Me either, Mulder. But, if we were a TV show what would you name us?" Mulder seemed to ponder the question for a moment, "How about That's Incredible?" "It's been done, try again." Scully laughed. "Okay, how about "That's Fucking Incredible?" "Mulder!" Scully said, exasperated. "Let's see," he paused, thinking, "Oh, I've got it, FBI Stories." "Not bad." "You give it a shot, Scully. What would you name our TV show?" Mulder asked. "Amazing Encounters or maybe Tales from the Basement," Scully said. "You know, I have a feeling that there's the perfect title out there, but I just can't put my finger on it." "I know what you mean, Scully, I feel like it's right on the tip of my tongue, but I can't quite think of it. I hate when that happens." They kept walking down the street and Scully started laughing again. "What's so funny now, Scully?" "That Elaine Benes. What a character. I can't believe she thought that you and I might actually be together! Give me a break," Scully laughed, but stopped when she noticed Mulder wasn't laughing. "Mulder, don't you think that's funny?" "You think the idea of you and I together is funny, Scully?" Mulder asked seriously. "Why?" Scully stopped and turned towards him "Well, not funny exactly, just weird." "Weird, how?" "I don't know, Mulder. It's just that we've been friends for so long, it might jeopardize our friendship. And, you know the Bureau has a policy about Agents getting personally involved with each other," Scully said. "Scully, we're already personally involved with each other," Mulder moved closer to her, "I think you know that," Mulder looked at her intently. "Don't you?" Scully looked up at him, "Yes. Yes, I guess I do." They looked at each other for several heart stopping moments. "Mulder?" Scully whispered. "Yes, Scully?" Mulder leaned down towards her upturned face. "Do you want to go to a movie?" Mulder pulled away. "What?" "Do you want to go to a movie?" Scully asked again. "We've never been to a movie together. Don't you think that is strange for friends not to have gone to a movie together? I saw a movie theater just down this street when we were looking for Ms. Benes' apartment." "A movie? You want to go to a movie?" Mulder asked. "Yeah, it'll be fun. C'mon Mulder. Let's do something normal for a change!" Scully grinned up at him. "Normal, what's that?" Mulder said sarcastically, then paused, "Oh, what the hell, why not?" They both resumed walking silently. It didn't take too long to reach the theater. Scully was right, it was just a few blocks from Elaine's apartment. They stood outside and studied the marquee that listed the films showing and their playing times. "What do you want to see Scully?" Mulder asked. Scully studied the marquee, "Well, our choices are The English Patient; Sack Lunch; Rochele, Rochele; and Prognosis Negative." Mulder and Scully looked at each other. "Sack Lunch," they said at the same time, then both started laughing. Mulder stepped up to the booth and purchased two tickets for Sack Lunch. "Scully, I'm so glad you didn't want to see The English Patient," Mulder said as he returned to Scully and handed her one of the tickets. "I saw it already, Mulder." "And?" "It sucked," Scully replied as she and Mulder stepped into the theater. ********** John F. Kennedy Airport New York Scully adjusted her seat belt as she sat on the plane that would take her and Mulder back to Washington, D.C. Next to her, Mulder buckled and adjusted his seat belt. Scully took out her notepad and starting writing some preliminary notes for her input into the report for Skinner. She and Mulder had gotten back to the hotel late due to their impetuous decision to go to the movie. They had been tired, and had mutually decided to work on the report during the flight home. Scully smiled to herself as she thought of their impromptu movie date. The movie was hilarious, she and Mulder had laughed through the entire thing. She wouldn't mind doing that again sometime, especially with Mulder. She glanced over at him and found him engrossed in the Weekly Globe, his favorite tabloid. Scully shook her head and smiled. He would never change, she thought. But then, she really didn't want him to. "Hey, Scully! Listen to this," Mulder said excitedly. "I'm listening." "There's a new craze in New York. I'm surprised we didn't notice it while we were there." "What craze is that, Mulder?" "Well, this rich, old guy just one day decided to start eating his Snickers bar with a knife and fork, and now everyone is doing it." "Mulder, you had a Snickers last night at the movies, and you ate it the normal way." "I didn't know about this new way though," Mulder replied. "Are you telling me that because some old guy in New York starts this stupid craze, you're going to do it too?" "I might try it," he turned to Scully and grinned, "Maybe we both need to try new things." "So, if one of your friends decided to jump off the top of the Washington Monument, would you do it too?" Scully asked. Mulder pondered that for a moment, "Is there a trampoline at the bottom?" "Mulder!" "Well, if there's a trampoline, I might answer the question differently." "Mulder, are you sure you went to Oxford?" Scully asked sarcastically. "Ninety-nine percent sure," Mulder replied. "Hey, Scully, isn't that the same blouse you wore in that picture Frohike took for your Christmas card? "Yes, why?" "Oh, no reason," Mulder smiled wickedly, "You know, I think you should wear that more often." Scully looked down at her blouse, sure enough there was the telltale gap that showed a most intimate portion of her anatomy. "Damn it, I can't believe I forgot to pin that," she said angrily. "Quit staring, Mulder." "I wasn't staring, I was talking to you and it was right there in front of me. What was I supposed to do? Cover my eyes?" he asked grinning at her. "It would have been the gentlemanly thing to do." "I guess you're right Scully. If anything, I should have just taken a peek. It's like looking at the sun," Mulder said as if that explained everything. "What does that mean Mulder?" Scully asked as she put her jacket on over her blouse and buttoned it. "Well, you don't stare at the sun because it'll hurt your eyes. You take a peek and look away. I should have just taken a peek and looked away." "Mulder, are you insane?" Scully asked him. ************* Dana Scully's apartment 11:21 PM The phone woke Scully up out of a sound sleep. Heart racing, she picked up the receiver, "Hello?" she said groggily. "Scully, it's me," Mulder said. "I know. You're the only one who calls me at 11:21 in the evening. Do you synchronize your watch for this?" she asked. "Scully, listen to this. I've thought of the perfect name for our TV show! It was so obvious, I can't believe we didn't think of it earlier." "Our TV show?" Scully asked disoriented. "Scully, you remember. We were trying to name our TV show last night." "Oh yeah, that. You woke me up to tell me this? You could have told me tomorrow at work. Don't you ever sleep?" "Not much, Scully. Look, I'm sorry I woke you, but I didn't want to forget. So, do you want to know?" he asked eagerly. Scully yawned, "Okay Mulder, go ahead, but this better be good." "The X-Files!" he said excitedly. "What?" "The X-Files. Isn't that the perfect name for our show?" "Good night, Mulder" Scully said and hung up the phone. THE END How many Seinfeld references did you find?