Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 19:35:48 -0400 Subject: fanfic submission Source: direct Rating - PG I think Class - Humor/Ust No spoilers Disclaimer - All the usual Author - Cerulean Blue Moron Once upon a time, it was raining. A lot. It wasn't raining inside mind you. Just outside. One man stood. Outside (It's raining now, remember). The man was drenched. He must have been standing in that rain for several hours. This man had a dilemma (that's why he's standing in the rain). After several attempts to get the attention of a certain red-haired "Friend", she had turned him down. Your typical love story. He wasn't blithe about this at all. His love for this woman went deep. Deeper say, than, the pockets in his overcoat. All my intrigued readers are probably wondering what this man's name is. Well his name. . . is. . . Bob. And he has absolutely nothing to do with the story I'm about to tell. Neither does his red-haired "Friend" (Whose name by the way, is Susie). The actual story is about another man and another red-haired "Friend". So sit back, relax, wipe the utterly disgusting drool hanging from your lips, and enjoy: #$%^&*^ %%#^**& "Yes, that's right Mr. Mulder. We have your brother. And if you don't -" "Wait a minute here. I didn't lose a brother. I lost a sister." "Oh yes, pardon me. A sister. And we have her! So just send us the money in un-marked bills and we will send your brother. . . uh sister, via UPS. "Hmm, I dunno. Someone once told me 'The Trust is out There.' yeah. . .or was that 'The truth is in no one.' hmmm. . . . well anyway, I don't really know if I can count on your reliability. How do I know you telling the truth?" "Mr. Mulder. I'm positively appalled. And this coming from a man of your stature. Not only am I telling the truth. But also the whole truth and nothing but the truth." "Why don't you let me get back to you. I think I'll need to consult with my partner who will, most assuredly, tell me not to go along with your plan." "Sure thing - Bye" Mulder wiped his brow and carefully sat down the phone. Scully would want to hear this. Finally a lead on his sister's whereabouts. He hurriedly jumped out of his swivelling chair and hit the ground with a great 'thud' after tripping on the telephone cord. While he was there on the floor, he examined the carpet. It smelled funny. He got up once more. This time examining the ceiling. It had bumps on it. Mulder then continued out the door, rubbing the bloody mess that was his head. He finally got to Scully's desk and anticipated heaven. His one true love, sitting there in that terrible office that she had to work in day after day . . The song "Dream Weaver" entered and exited his head momentarily. When Scully saw Mulder, the song, "Bobo the Dippy Clown" came to her mind. She acknowledged his presence with a nod. "What's up Mulder?" Scully was looking over several papers on her desk. "Oh. . . well. . . I kind of got a lead on the whereabouts of . . .oh, let's see, how shall I name this person . . . my sister. Yes that's right." Mulder casually strolled over to Scully's desk. He had confidence. He was the Alpha Male. He was Secret Agent Man. He commanded attention. He was. . . getting blood all over Scully's desk. "Uh, Mulder? I think that I observe the attendance of red blood cells, secreting from your head on to my 1,500 dollar desk and it's contents." Mulder took a Kleenex from Scully's desk and backed away slowly. She started again. "What is this you were saying about your sweater?" "My sister Scully!" "Same difference." "I think that I might know where my sister presumably, possibly, likely, might be known to reside at the present duration. "Mulder?" "Yes my lov-, fellow FBI partner. What is your opinion?" "Are you suggesting that I believe this load of crap?" "Um. . .presumably. . . possibly." "Well I don't believe it. Your wasting your time. These idiotic morons are leading you around in crop circles. "Yes. . . I suppose." Mulder hunched his shoulders, pouted his lip, stuck out his butt, combed his hair, and watched a movie before continuing: "I will go back to my office and just forget about this whole ordeal. In fact my sister never existed. She was just a figment of my imagination. A child's imaginary friend, if you will." "I'm glad that I finally got some sense into your head." Scully sighed. "Yes." Mulder replied in a robotic fashion. "I agree." There were a few moments of awkward silence (For Mulder anyway). His heart beat - faster and faster and faster and faster still, and then slower, slower, faster, slower, then faster and faster. He finally mustered the courage to speak again. "Do you think we have anything in common Scully?" He asked matter-o-factly. "You and your imaginary friend?" Scully replied. "No!" He softened his tone. "You know . . . you and me?" "I don't know. Pick your favorite number and see if it's the same as mine." She sounded slightly sarcastic. Mulder piped in his answer right away, "1-800-SPANKME" "Not phone number!" Scully yelled so loud that a few of the trainees in the adjacent room glanced in to see what was going on. "Maybe I should just leave then, if that's how you feel." Mulder whined. Scully slapped Mulder across the face. It sounded like this: "SLAP SLAP SLAP SLLLLLAPPP" "What did you do that for?" "I don't really know. You were just kind of annoying me at that moment in time." "Oh." Mulder now stroked his newly reddened cheek. "Okay, well bye. I'll see you tomorrow." "Bye." ()()()()() On the way home, Mulder stopped at a grocery store. He thought that maybe if he got Scully a present, she would stop hitting him so much. "Let's see. . . Sardines, no. Pickled mushrooms. . . no." Scanning each isle carefully he noticed something out of the corner of his ear. It was the sound of breaking glass. Going into his "Official FBI stance" He yelled out while pointing his gun at the source of the noise. Creeping closer to the pile of glass and rubble he heard a moaning noise. Silence, all except for that moaning noise. Soon he could hear a voice. It didn't sound harmless, but he kept his gun in position. A twiggy looking teen-aged boy emerged from the mess. He was wearing a Greg's Grocery apron and some pretty nerdy glasses. Mulder sprung into action, grabbing the boy by the collar. The boy choked. A woman screamed. "Hands up kid!" Mulder yelled. "I know what you've been up to." "What?! What?!" The boy yelled out in a pubescent squeal. Mulder ran his fingers through his hair. Keeping his cool. He looked at himself in the mirror by the meat section. Yeah. He looked cool. By now, a crowd had gathered. "Yeah kid. Real nice disguise too. Almost fooled me." "But I work here! I just accidentally fell through the glass." The boy struggled to get out of Mulder's grasp. "Ladies and gentlemen. Everything is under control. Please clear out. This criminal will be properly prosecuted. Please folks. Clear out." The boy's face was clearly flushed. An old woman with a cane fainted. PART 2 An hour had passed. Mulder was getting restless. The boy had begun a flow of weepy tears, calling out to his mommy. The crowd looked very anxious (who wouldn't, under the whims of a crazed psycho). All stillness was interrupted by the earsplitting sound of door crashing open. "FBI! Everyone down!" Scully's voice rang through the isles. "Scully!" Mulder cried "What voice so heavenly, enters my ears!" The hostage in Mulder's grasp stopped and stared quizzically up at him. Mulder was in a dreamland. When Scully caught sight of Mulder, she ran to his side. "Sorry we got here so late. What happened here?" Scully looked at the young employee in Mulder's arms. "Lady!" The boy chimed in, "This man is trying to kill me! I just accidentally fell through the glass. Honest. I wasn't doing anything wrong." "Hey! You'll address this woman with the proper respect. Her name is Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. And don't you forget it!" At this, Mulder held his gun closer to the boy's head. "Mulder!" Scully yelled. "What do you think your doing!" "Well, I came here to get you a present and then there was a loud 'crash' and I ran and there was this boy in a pile of glass - most obviously breaking the law - and I grabbed him and told him to admit his wrong-doings, but he would not coincide. Then this old lady with a cane fainted and she kind of looked weird so I told someone to get her some liquid and this guy ran and the only thing he could find was some gin. So the guy splashed it all over this lady's face and the lady woke up and she asked for more gin. So another guy went and grabbed another bottle of gin and the lady drank in down, see. And then, the lady bashed a guy on the head with her cane. And so a little girl went and got him some gin also and pretty soon it woke him up. This guy sat there for a couple of minutes, rubbing his head, but then an old man with a rough air to him, flew in on his old - person motorized grocery vehicle and flung a bag of rocks at the guys head. Then the guy started saying how much he loved the Film-Processing department at Greg's Grocery. I think that he might have thought he was in a commercial or something. Well then this whole mob of crazy old-people came in and declared war on the poor guy - " "Mulder!" Scully yelled. "Yes?" "Are you sure you aren't exaggerating, even a little?" "Well, the part about the old lady fainting is right." "I can't believe this Mulder. We'll have to take you in." She shook her head disapprovingly. "But. . .I'm an FBI man. I don't break the law." "Well you did Mulder. This poor child is probably emotionally scarred for life." Scully took the young scamp in her arms. "What's your name?" "Paul." The kid replied. He was enjoying himself, now that he had the sane portion of the FBI on his side. "Well Paul, we'll get you home to your parents in no time. Just follow me." She took a shaken Paul by the hand and led him out the door, leaving Mulder at the fancy of the other three agents. He decided not to struggle and went along with them. "Great." Mulder thought, "Scully ends up walking out with the pimple-picking kid instead of me." @#*$(%)@&%)(*)( Sitting in jail, Mulder had time to think about a lot of things going on in his life. Like how even though he was the hottest fella around, Scully still didn't fall for him. He tried to figure out why. "Is it my lack of self-confidence? My gorgeous face? My blind notions? My gorgeous face? My total lack of understanding for her feelings? Or could it possibly be my gorgeous face?" He came to the conclusion that it might be all of the above. Oh well. Maybe one day, in a galaxy far far away, Scully would like him. It might not be soon, but there's no shame in trying. At least not in other people's cases. The next day at work (remember now folks, this is a fiction story. Most FBI agents wouldn't get back to work the very next day after being in jail and keeping a juvenile hostage) Mulder waltzed in to their office with more determination than before. "Hi there Scully." Mulder smiled a boyish grin. "Mulder." She sighed, hardly breathing the name. "I have been acting very naughty lately and I wanted to make up for it." He handed her a dozen roses. Scully arched her head back as if something ignorant had been said. "Well, this doesn't make up for anything Mulder, but, thank you." "I got you something else too" "Oh really?" Scully questioned, hesitantly. Mulder revealed a thick stack of papers and handed them to her. She looked at the first picture on the stack. It was a photo of a dead guy. She then looked at the next picture. It was of a dead chicken dressed in an alien suit. "What -" "Shhh, don't speak!" Mulder put his finger to Scully's lips. "I've saved pictures of every dead organism that we have encountered on our assignments together. I though that it might remind you of our. . . relationship." "Relationship!" Scully shrieked. "Well, . . . yes." Mulder looked disappointed and took the picture from her hands. "It's the only time we really spend together . . . looking at dead, diseased, fungus-infected, forms." Scully raised slowly from her chair and walked out the door in a seemingly normal fashion. Mulder watched in question. As soon as she was out of sight, a deafening scream lit the hallway. Then a pause. Scully came back into sight, smoothing her skirt. She didn't look too flustered except for the fact that her face was a bright red. She smiled at Mulder and then, primly, sat back down. "Are you okay Scully?" Mulder asked. "Why, whatever made you reach the conclusion that something was wrong?" She continued by smacking her head against the desk several times and throwing a glass of water in her face. "I am merely making sure that I am not dreaming. And at this point, I don't believe myself to be." She then turned in her chair and began kicking the file cabinet near her, causing the items sitting on top, to fall to the floor. Mulder stood up and grabbed Scully's foot. She compensated by kicking him in the jaw and shooting staples in his face. "I don't agree with this sort of abuse." Mulder said, picking the staples from his face. His head, he decided, was now a target for many owies and boo boos. After the wire trip incident, the Scully slap situation and the recent staple gun dilemma, one could easily tell that Mulder's face was due in for some serious plastic surgery. Ah well. Nothing a little duct tape couldn't fix. As Mulder was thinking, Scully had begun to Hyperventilate. Now, several agents had stopped by her door to see what was going on. There were many rumors floating around the Bureau about what the two were up to. Skinner had, of course, been notified and he had to stop in, just to make sure things were going well. He was not prepared for what he saw. "What's up hip cats?" Skinner asked, stepping into the room. He was wearing a Hawaiian T-shirt and boxers (only boxers, mind you. Not a very pretty sight). Both agents stopped in their tracks long enough to notice a changed Assistant Director. "Is that you Skinner?" Mulder asked, finally plucking the last staple from his chin. "Yo Yo Yo Dadio. What's down with the flies and the antelope." " The flies and the antelope?" Mulder whispered to himself. Scully went back to beating her head with a handy book. "Yike a mike. We have to git the mit by the spice and jive it (which translated to English, basically means that ' We have to get Scully to the hospital, and fast' )." "Skinner, you have to help her. She's going insane." "Chill it, Chill it by. I will trans the spek when pepper is in the house (Don't even ask me what that means) ." Wait a minute here. Skinner in boxers! C'mon folks, this is going just a little too far. Okay. Let's say Skinner is just his normal commanding self (I mean boxers - really) : "What's going on in here!" Skinner yelled over the commotion. "Well, sir," Scully lifted her head. "We, uh, were just . . . um -" "I lost my tie - yes - and we were uh. . . just looking for it and I um. . kind of ran into the wall and Scully here, she tried to help me." Mulder looked at Skinner, hopeful. Scully just looked at Mulder in disbelief. "I can't believe this. I've heard some pretty weird things about the two of you. I want you to get your acts together or I'll be yelling more than . . . . I am now." He strode out of the office with a regal exit. Mulder sighed. "What are you thinking?" Scully yelled. " 'I lost my tie.' Come on." "Well it was better than 'Um . . .uh . . . gee. . . well' " Mulder got up from his spot on the floor and inched closer to Scully. He was mad. Really mad. What nerve. "If you hadn't have taken that child hostage, we wouldn't be in this mess!" Scully yelled, also getting up. They began name calling. "Goody - Goody!" "Moron!" "Brown noser!" "Blockhead!" "Salad Shooter!" "Those little metal eraser thingees on the end of pencils!" "Poop!" "Pee!" At each degrading name, they came closer and closer. An onlooker would think that a fight might start. Ha. Hardly. Instead, a funny thing happened. In the midst of the screaming and the yelling, the two locked eyes. Their passion for each other could no longer keep off. And . . . you guessed it . . . They began to play Twister. The fun-filled family game that had been cherished for decades, bound the two FBI agents together once again. Love, peace and color recognition filled the office with hope. Things were finally getting back to normal. Part 3 Well, now you may think that everything is just peachy. The two agents are back together (sort of). Young Paul went back to his Mommy and Daddy. And the old woman from the grocery store finally kicked her alcoholic urges. WELL, YOU'RE WRONG. Ya know why? Because, deep in the heart of D.C., evil government conspiracies are afoot. SO, you say. I KNOW ABOUT THOSE, you say. I AM A BOX OF LUCKY CHARMS you tell me. Well, you will be quite surprised to hear that none of those things matter anymore. Because the man behind all this evil plotting is probably sitting in your neighbor's house right now, feeding his goldfish. Oh sure he looks innocent, but behind that soft voice and preppy sweater vest, . . . Mr. Rogers is planning to foil the two agent's good-doings. Okay, so he hosts a little kid's TV. show, but really, it's the perfect disguise. By day he states the extremely obvious in anything he does, by night he changes his shoes and puts on his black sniper suit on, ready and willing to kill at will (hey that rhymes). Well, one night Mr. Rogers was up to his no-good deeds when he spotted the lanky FBI Agent, Mulder. Mulder was feeling great. He skipped down the stairs outside his apartment building singing a lovely tune until he was held at gunpoint. "Why hello Agent Mulder of the FBI." Mr. Rogers whispered. "Mr. Rogers... NOOOOOO!" Mulder yelled. He had heard about the evil Rogers and his band of public television foes, Barney the Kung Fu fat man, Big Comfy Smotherer - "I have an offer you can't refuse." Evil man Rogers jutted into Mulder's thoughts. "I don't care about your offers." Mulder growled. "This is one you can't turn down. Either I shoot you now or..." "Or...?" "Or you can join my group - the international association of the letter "W" lovers." "Not the 'W' lovers!" Mulder cried in terror. "Yes - the 'W' lovers. What do you say?" Rogers smiled. "I...I...I...don't know." "If you don't join, we may have to do something drastic to your partner - Agent Seaside." "But her name is Scul-" "Yes, Yes. Seaside, Skull. There is no real difference. You're wasting my time. So decide!" "Okay!" Mulder broke down in tears. "I'll do it!" "Good, Gooooooood. Now, let's go to the secret hideout where you will receive your official membership badge, your complimentary visor and oven mitt with the "W" logo, your 'W' lovers calling card -good for ten minutes to anywhere in the continental U.S.- Your official 'W' sniper suit and a stock that gives you rights to part of the 'W lovers potato chip industry'." "Ohhh, I get a 'W' visor?" Mulder questioned with anticipation. "Yes. And they come in a variety of colors and sizes." "How about Jade?" Mulder asked. "Ah... I'll have to check on that one." Mulder followed the evil Rogers to his van. It had a big 'W' on the side. Mr. Rogers made Mulder wear a blindfold. Soon they were on their way to the secret hideout. The place was contained in a large musty warehouse. Very scary. "Follow me." Rogers demanded, hopping out of the van. Mulder tried to follow, but he kept running into walls and tripping over cracks in the cement. He still had that blindfold on. "Can I take the blindfold off now, Oh Great One." "Yes." Rogers replied. Suddenly, Mulder thought about Scully. He was turning against her and all that they had worked for the past 5 years. They had shared their deepest inner feelings and been through the worst of times. Oh well. Mulder continued walking. Soon he could sense a light up ahead. The muffled chants of "Wuh, Wuh" began filling the room. Suddenly Rogers shouted and the "Wuh"'s subsided. "Fellow W lovers. We gather here today to witness the induction of a new member. His addition to this group will hold a great importance. Let's imagine for a moment... shall we?" Each individual W lover bowed his head. Mulder followed in suit. A fat man wearing a neon orange pinstripe suit came in the door with a sack. He slowly made his way to Mulder. The man reached in his sack and pulled out the "W" sniper suit. "I believe this color compliments your eyes Mr. Mulder." "Why yes... it does." Mulder replied. "PUT ... IT ..... ON!" Rogers yelled. The group also began chanting the phrase. Mulder complied and slipped on the suit over his clothes. He looked REALLY cool now.... LATER - at Mulder's apartment Mulder yawned and stretched himself out on the sofa. What a day. He was still wearing his REALLY cool W sniper suit. Looking down at it, he wondered when he would get to snipe at something. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. WHO could it be? He wondered. But he knew. It would be Scully and he would have to explain things to her. He began shouting, "OH SCULLY. WOE IS ME!!! I BETRAYED YOUR TRUST AND FRIENDSHIP!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!! I PROMISE TO BE A GOOD BOY!!! DON'T HURT ME FOR JOINING THE W LOVERS. IT WAS ONLY ON A WHIM!!! I'LL RESIGN MY MEMBERSHIP IF I MUST!!! I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU SCULLEEEEE!!!!" He opened the door. A Chinese monk stared back at him with smiling eyes. "Oh. It's just you Wong. Come on in.... I was just exercising my vocal chords." "Yes my child. I see this and acknowledge this. Where is your partner, the red-haired one?" "Wong. I did a horrible thing. I abandoned my partner for a false cause... the W lovers." "No no no. This is not good and I do believe that it is not good. You must call the Red-haired one and proclaim your love for her. How many times must I tell you man!" "Ohhhh I can't! I just got this really cool sniper suit and...." "You must and I see that you must! Just as the fat pigs fly swiftly through the forest - you must." "Um.... All right! I'll do it!" Mulder stood up and ran swiftly to the table where his phone was situated. He dialed the number that had been programmed in his phone. He had used that button so much that there were stains all over it. It rang once, twice, thrice, four times, five times, six times, seven times, eight times (Mulder began to worry), nine times, ten times, (Mulder looked at Wong with a fearful expression) eleven times ( He started to chew on his finger ), twelve times..... "NOOOOOOOO. SHE'S DEADDDDDDDDDDDD!!!" "Hello?" It was evil Rogers' voice (NOOOOOOOOOOOO)." "Rogers! What are you doing!" "Well Mr. Mulder. I have captured Miss Scallop and taken her hostage. Big Bloodthirsty Bird is keeping an eye on her." "You can't be doing this! Let me talk to her - " "NO! You may not." "Mother May I?" "NO! You may not. But you may come down here and get her out. If you wish." "Oh I do wish... I do." "Very well.... you must do the following for me. Taking your partner was very ingenious on my part, indeed it was. Therefore you must be prepared to risk everything." "Anything Evil Rogers, as long as I get her back in my arms." "Okay, listen carefully........" Mulder cringed as he listened to the horrifying details of the Cunning Rogers' plan. How was he to do what was asked of him? Perhaps Rogers was bluffing. What if he didn't really have Scully? He decided to chance it and do what he was told. "All right Rogers, you can have your way!" "Very good....very very good." Mulder knew that what he was doing was a deplorable thing, but he had to get Scully back. He would go ... in the cover of darkness. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Mulder quietly scanned the outside of the television station. Everything seemed clear, but he continued to watch his footing in case of any trouble. Of course, this was rather difficult wearing a pair of honking clown shoes. Despite this, he made it to the front door with no inconvenience, forcing the lock off uneventfully. Once inside he paused, leaning his frame against the wall. This was not going to be easy. He began walking again, the noises of his various items of clothing bouncing off the walls. He caught his reflection in a glass showcase and wondered why he was doing what he was doing. Scully. The word entered his head and he smiled and sneezed. He finally found the room that he was looking for. It was full of camera equipment and at the other end, a small stage and backdrop. He flicked on the light switch and squeaked over to one of the cameras. Luckily, Byers and Langley had told him all the basics of camera operation before he had come. Frohicke had been out buying groceries and going to an icecapades show. Mulder continued by looking over all of the wires. So many wires. Deciding to give it a try, he began fiddling with the switches. Suddenly, a click sounded from overhead and he looked up at the "ON AIR" sign. He became panic stricken. He wasn't ready yet! At Evil Rogers' hideout: "Pay attention Seaside!" Rogers barked. Scully sat, tied to a chair, in a small room facing Rogers. He moved out of the way to bring a small television into view and after turning it on he continued, "Your dear Agent Mulder will be putting on quite a show for us tonight, so watch closely." "What are you doing!" Scully commanded. "Oh my dear. All will be revealed to you in good time." He sighed and stepped back. Scully stared at the blue screen in front of her. She could hear squeaking..... and then a clown came into view... a very tall clown... that resembled Mulder. "No! No! You can't do this to him!" She screamed. "Yes, yes I can." He cackled. "And this show will be broadcast to every home in the contiguous United States." Scully closed her eyes momentarily, until she heard Mulder's voice. At least she thought that was his voice: "HEYYYYY there kids. Bobo, the dip dip dippity clown here." (He couldn't be doing this to himself.) "You know kids, I have a yippity doo da important message for you tonight, so gather up the folks and listen in... That's right... get all the brothers and sisters to join in too." Mulder made hand gestures motioning the camera "family" to come in closer. "There yer all go." He smiled. Scully breathed heavily... in... and .... out. "Yowky, dowky kids here we gooooo!" He began to spin in circles and almost tripped off the stage. "Woah -" He stopped. ".... All righty. I've come to talk to you about a serious (he made a serious face) issue. Do we all know what an issue is?... good then. This issue is about a so called "FBI" agent named FOX MULDER. The truth is that this man is very..." A pause "...how shall we say this...dopey. He is VERY unattractive to the opposite sex and has no sense of taste what so ever. (Scully sighed, "Rogers... what do expect to accomplish from humiliating Mulder?" "SHHH. Listen.") "Also, there is no such thing as an "Alien" (he moved his fingers to form quotations) and the government is a good and decent source of information. The Russians are our friends and we have nothing to fear when they take us hostage and inoculate us with experimental drugs. Elvis IS dead. School food IS good food. Chain smokers DO make good acquaintances and ... OOOH heaven is a place on earth" He sang. Scully sat in dismay as Mulder disproved of all he had been trying to prove for so long. She was in pity for him. Evil Rogers was simply doing this to try and sink Mulder's reputation as low as it would go. Surely he would make the laughing stock of the FBI (not that he wasn't already). "Please... Rogers....I beg of you.... stop this at once!" "My nieve little agent. I cannot stop something that has already progressed." He laughed. The two were quiet for a moment and Mulder's voice could be heard singing the alphabet song backwards. "Fine then!" Scully yelled. "I'll make you a deal... " On the screen, Mulder had begun to play the banjo whilst doing a sloppy magic trick. "Yes, what is this offer?" Rogers leaned in closer to hear her words. She could smell his crappy cologne - no wait - It was Sesame Street bubble bath. Scully didn't answer him right away. It was plain to see that Evil R was getting quite impatient. He huffed and stood up again. "I've had enough of this crazy nonsense Seaside... MASS MURDERER McFIELY!!" He called down the hall. "NO, wait!" She sighed. "I'll tell you" "Gooooood" "I.....I.... -" Her words were cut off by a distant whirring noise. It was.... a boat. A boat? In the middle of a field? Or was it in the middle of a deserted field? Her queries would soon be answered as Mulder crashed down the door to the small room. "MULDER!!!" "SCULLY!" "OH MULDER" "I LOVE YOU SCULLY!" "uh... ok" Scully said. "Mulder... could you um... untie me?" "Yes - of course" Mulder hurried to where Scully was sitting. Rogers had taken the liberty of wallowing in his own self pity in the far corner. The two partners wasted no time in exiting the building. Scully was surprised to see that Evil Rogers' hideout was surrounded by a wide moat (with alligators and everything). "C'mon Scully, get into my Super Suicide Society of the Sexy Summer Session Speed Boat" Mulder ranted. "But Mulder, How -" "SHHH" "Why -" "All will be answered for you in good time" The boat started up, spilling a disillusioned Scully to the floor. The boat sped around and around the moat, wind blazing through Mulder's hair. Finally they came to a stop - in the same place that they started. Mulder decided it would be best to run the boat up on land - he didn't really know why, he just thought it would look neat-o like they did in Speed 2. Once the boat had been landed, he hopped off helping Scully as well. Scully was just as confused as the readers of this story are right now, but she followed Mulder anyway. 2 seconds later - Skinner's office "Yes.... I see....I think." Skinner scratched his head, looking at Mulder's neatly typed report. The agents were sitting across from him, looking as normal as those two could be. "So, this Rogers fellow was taken into custody I'm assuming?" "Yes sir" Mulder said. Scully agreed with a slight nod. "And how, Agent, did you know where the so called "Secret Hideout" was located?" "That's a secret sir." "And how did you get the Sexy Speedboat?" "That's quite a secret also sir." "I see." Skinner paused, clicking his ballpoint pen up and down. "And how did you manage to evade the Rogers while at the TV station?" "That would be a -" "Secret, yes I know," Skinner shifted in his seat. "Listen Mulder, I can't deal with all of these unanswered questions, I'm going to have to let you go from the FBI." "Really?" "Yes" "Allright then." "And that's all you have to say about that?" "Yes" Mulder smiled at Scully. "It is." Scully stared back at him. Evil was afoot. Hopefully it wasn't Mulder's foot (Corny - yes). "Skinner?" "Yes Mulder?" "One last question." "What?" "Does the FBI have any visors in Jade?" Fin After leaving the Bureau, Mulder became a vertical blinds salesman. After he was fired from that job, he took up knitting and started a very successful business in which he employed the old man on the motorized grocery cart. Scully continued working for the FBI and gets annoyed when she finds Mulder on her doorstep sleeping every morning. Paul became a lawyer. The Evil Rogers got sick of being evil and started a determined campaign to save the whooping crane(Hey that rhymes). Big Comfy Smother and Mass Murderer McFiely continued working with the Children's television business and can be seen on Thursdays and Saturdays at 10:00 AM on their show - "Happy Times with Big Comfy Smotherer and Mass Murderer McFiely". Big Bloodthirsty Bird met Probation Puffy Pal and the two now run an internet service from their homes in Soho, New York. Barney, the Kung Fu Fat Man is curently looking for a single woman in her mid-20's to late thirties. He enjoys walks on the beach and eating paste. Skinner continues to order items through the mail though it is depleting his bank account. He most recently ordered a big neon green pillow. And that my friends, is that.