From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Sun, 21 May 2000 16:05:21 -0500
Subject: Mother Love by by Xenoprobe
Source: direct

Reply To: xenoprobe@hotmail.com



Title: Mother Love	
Rating: Pg-13
Category: light MSR
Summary: Three points of view 
are shared over the course of 
Mother's Day.
Archive: oh please do, just let 
me know where.
Feedback: I live for it... 
xenoprobe@hotmail.com or
www.xenoprobe.com

Disclaimer: Not mine, never were... 
make no profit- have no money- do 
not sue :)

Author's notes: Ok.  I know it's 
a week late but things at work took 
over and I was forced to come back 
to this fic later on.  My friend 
Belle requested a Mother's Day fic- 
something different or unusual.  
I'm afraid my story is not the 
unique voyage she may have hoped 
for but is full of angst.  I like 
angst.  Angst is good.  So I do 
hope you like it.  Feedback me 
and let me know please! 

*~*~*~*~*~*

Mother Love
By xenoprobe



I could see the look on her face 
change as soon as Bill and his 
family left.  My mother had been 
not so discreetly asking me what 
was wrong all day- with her eyes 
and her facial gestures.  I attempted 
to belay her concerns by demonstrating 
how capable I was, handling Matty, 
chatting with my again pregnant 
sister-in-law.  I exhausted myself 
interacting with my family, trying 
to distract my brain from the nagging 
feeling of loss and disappointment.  

Mother's Day wasn't easy for me, 
even before losing Emily.  It had 
always served as a reminder of the 
path I had not taken- a husband, 
children and a home.  I used to 
mourn for that choice, now I just 
mourn for Emily.  Rationally, it 
seems unfair that I call myself her 
mother, when I was only there for 
her for such a brief time.  She 
hardly knew me and I certainly 
wasn't the woman she'd grown up 
knowing as a parent.  But even 
in those few days together, my 
whole life was turned upside down 
to take her in and make her mine.  
It was important to me that she 
knew she was loved, and that I was 
doing all that I could for her.

And so this occasion had turned 
into a day of avoidance.   I 
attended the family gathering to 
honour my own mother, but everyone 
was aware of my loss; and I hated 
their pity.  

I asked Mulder to accompany me, 
under the pretense of the loss of 
his own mother this year.  I lacked 
the courage to tell him I needed his 
strength.  I needed his resolve and 
instead I let him back out without 
even pressing him to join me.  Honestly,
I think he still hates being around Bill.  
He told me once that his presence was 
upsetting to my brother and therefore 
would be upsetting to my mom.  What 
he doesn't realize is just how much 
my mother loves him.

So there I sat on the couch, watching 
my mother tidy things.

"Mom, sit.  Let me clean up." 

"No, no, Dana- its ok.  You rest."  I 
didn't need rest, I just needed her to 
either speak her mind or treat me like 
nothing was any different from any other 
day of the year.  
 
"You've had a long day."

"Really mom, I had a good day.  Tammy's 
looking great, Bill's happy to be 
fathering a family and Matty is growing 
so fast..."

"Dana- honey, you don't have to put 
up a front for me."  She looked at me 
through sorrowful eyes and sat down 
at my side.

"Listen, mom, it's been years now.  
I'm fine, really."

"Are you?  Are you really fine?  
There was a time when you wanted 
what Bill has, a home and family."

"And I don't anymore.  It's a choice 
mom."

"A choice that was made for you."

I shake my head; I know what she's 
getting at, my stolen ovum, my cancer, 
my bareness.  "Mom, listen to me, " I 
paused to take her hands in mine, "I'm
fine.  I lit a candle for Emily in 
church this morning.  There's nothing 
else I can do."  

"Well, I wish Fox had come today, I 
was expecting him."

"You know how Bill feels about him 
mom- Mulder didn't want to ruin 
Mother's Day for you."  I smiled 
weakly. I could see the mood in her 
change, I could even feel it and I 
knew what's coming next.  I put up 
my hand to halt her, just as her 
mouth opened to speak. "Don't go 
there mom."

"What?"  She smiled and patted 
my arm.  "I was just going to say 
he's always welcome in my home.  
It is my home Dana, not Bill's 
you know."

I smiled again and stood up, 
stretching my tired muscles.  I 
grabbed a few glasses from the 
coffee table and made my way into 
the kitchen.  I glanced back over 
my shoulder at my mother, ever stoic, 
ever graceful; her strength was an 
inspiration to me.  

When I came back in the room, she 
had disappeared to someplace else 
in the house. I curled up on the 
couch and pulled the afghan over 
me.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I was worried today.  I know Dana 
hates it when I fuss but there was 
a darkness in her eyes that made
me constantly aware of her pain.  
I stood at the base of the stairs, 
watching her rest- in sleep; she 
looked just like my baby girl.  But 
even with her arms full of her 
nephew today, she carried with her 
a certain sadness, a certain burden.

I commend her though.  She is a 
stronger woman than I am and I 
often draw my own courage from 
her example- it amazes me still 
that one's children can be so 
inspirational.  They have all 
taught me so much over these years.  
But Dana, she is special.  She has 
suffered and persevered. And I 
wanted so badly to wrap her up 
and rock her to sleep, like I did 
when she was little but her 
stubbornness has kept me at arms' 
length for years now.

I sat down on the steps and fiddled 
with the hem of my shirt, thinking 
of my daughter and her partner.  I 
have searched within myself for 
feelings of resentment, of blame, 
where Fox is concerned.  None of 
these terrible things would have 
affected my family so profoundly 
had Dana never known him.  But in 
seeking out these feelings. I 
realized that they simply did not 
exist. If he had been uncaring, if 
he had been unkind, I would have 
judged him differently but his love
for Dana is the most profound I've 
ever witnessed.

When she turned up in the hospital 
all those years back, he fought for 
her.  He knew her wishes to be taken 
off life support; he'd witnessed her 
living will.  But still he fought, 
and to this day I'd swear she came 
back for him.  


I've seen them both do it for 
each other- they reach the brink 
of death only to recover miraculously 
for the sake of one another.  My only 
worry is that they'll never be honest 
enough with themselves to recognize 
this love between them.  

I saw Dana stir from the corner of 
my eye and I stood to peer over the 
back of the couch.  She was still 
asleep. Just then, I heard a tiny 
knock at my front door.  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I ascended the stairs to Maggie 
Scully's house in two easy strides. 
But when I reached the front door I 
froze.  I had declined Scully's 
invite to come over for dinner 
earlier, perhaps Maggie wouldn't 
be pleased to see me if she thought 
I'd snubbed her on Mother's day.  I 
turned and sat on the stoop, examining 
the bouquet of flowers in my hands.  

That afternoon had been wretched.  
I'd ended up crying on my couch after 
attempting to masturbate.  It was 
somehow fitting and altogether 
Freudian that after trying, I'd 
collapsed in tears over the loss 
of my mother.  I lay there on the 
couch, grieving her death, grieving 
for all the knowledge she took with 
her.  I berated myself for not having 
listened more, for not visiting as 
often and for demanding so much of 
her upon those brief encounters when 
I needed something specific.  I was 
a horrible son.  

I could feel the tension bob in 
my throat.  I tried to deflect it 
by thinking of Maggie and of Scully- 
of what they could be doing on the 
other side of the heavy wooden door. 
Likely, they were sipping tea, 
discussing the past, talking of 
moments of Scully's childhood or
something equally wonderful.  They
could be talking about Melissa or 
Bill or of Charlie, whom I'd never 
met. I sat contemplating about my 
partner as a child, her long red 
hair and freckles in the sun, I 
sometimes wish I'd known her then.

All of a sudden I was struck 
with the horror of having forgotten 
about today's significance to Scully. 
Mother's Day.  I had failed to honour 
her, had not even thought of Emily 
until that very moment.  I looked 
back at my meager flowers and realized 
they simply weren't enough to express 
what I was feeling for both of the 
women on the other side of the door.  
I stood to leave then turned around 
in indecision and knocked quietly on 
the door.  Maggie Scully appeared at 
the threshold, the house was dark 
behind her.

She stepped onto the porch to greet 
me, eyes smiling.

"Fox.  I knew you'd come today."  
She hugged me and I was warmed deep 
down.

"Maggie... Happy Mother's Day."  I 
produced the bouquet from behind my back.

"Oh, how sweet of you." 

"Is-"

"She's sleeping on the couch Fox, 
why don't we enjoy the air out here 
for a time."  I've always been amazed
at Maggie's ability to read me.  She 
has a mother's command.

We turned and sat down side by side 
on the porch bench, I turned to face 
her.

"Fox," she glanced down at the 
flowers in her hands, "I never got 
to tell you in person, just how 
sorry I was to hear of you loss.  
Today must have been hard, I suppose 
holidays will be for a while." She 
spoke as someone who'd also suffered.  
It struck me as slightly horrible 
that this strong beautiful woman 
should be extending her sympathies 
when I had been, in one way or 
another, responsible for her sorrows. 
She looked back at me, her blues 
eyes as penetrating as her daughter's.

"Thank you. It was a rather long day."  
I replied lamely.  I wanted to tell 
her I was sorry- sorry for Melissa, 
for Scully's cancer, for her loss of 
Emily... it was all a part of me.  I 
saw Maggie's hand cover mine.

"Stop that Fox.  I know what's 
going on in that mind of yours 
and I want you to stop berating 
yourself."  I smiled at the irony, 
at her gift of knowing me so well. 
"I have made my peace with it all- 
so should you.  I have never blamed 
you what has happened over these 
years.  You are no more responsible 
for such things as I am, as Dana is- 
it has all been part of this life we 
live.  One way or another, we 
encounter grief, loss.  I can't 
stand thinking you hate yourself 
for things beyond your control."

"But Scully..." I could hear the 
strain of fighting tears in my 
raspy voice.

"Dana doesn't blame you Fox.  She 
trusts you...  she loves you."  Maggie 
smiled and I straightened up in my 
seat. "She does, but she needs you 
too Fox, needs your strength."

"... And I need hers."  I half-
whispered.

"You two are the most stubborn 
characters I've ever known.  Haven't 
you learned how to just stop and ask 
for what you want?  Dana has a big 
heart, you know, but she guards it 
too closely and unfortunately she 
inherited her bull-headedness from 
her father." 

"It doesn't make things easy."  She 
squeezed my hand.

"It's never easy. Dana's been awfully 
low today.  I tried to talk to her 
after Bill and the family left today 
but she just wouldn't let me in.  
Does she ever talk about Emily with 
you?"

"Not really," I paused to clear my 
throat then looked back to Mrs. 
Scully. "I have to admit I don't 
ask about her though.  The whole 
thing is just too sad and cruel.

"I am acutely guilty for putting 
it out of my head.  In fact, until 
I came here tonight, I had not 
thought of Emily and how Scully 
must be feeling. I'm a terrible 
partner."

"No you aren't, you just have a 
different way of handling things."

"But what you don't understand Mrs. 
Scully-"

"Maggie, please." She smiled.

"Maggie- what I've never told Scully,
for fear of hurting her all over again, 
is that I felt attached to Emily too.  
Like a father."  I lowered my head 
again, not wanting to face the reality
of my admission.  Just then I heard a 
quiet sob from in front of me.

Maggie stood and extended her hand 
to her daughter.  Scully padded across
the porch in her stocking feet, her 
eyes full of tears.  I could see it 
on her face- indecision, whether to 
come to me or her mother.

Maggie led Scully to me and tiptoed
back inside, leaving us alone in the
night breeze.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I had seen their shadows from the 
living room window, I could hear 
them talking out on the porch and 
I knew, from the low timber of the
male voice, that it was Mulder.  I 
and sleepily made my way to the door. 
That's when I heard mom mention Emily. 
I stopped, feeling grief bubbling up
in my throat again.  I cracked the 
door and listened for a moment, then 
heard him confess-- confess he'd felt 
like a father to my child and I couldn't 
stop the tears from taking me over.

Mom saw me first, but when I shuddered 
with a sob, Mulder's head shot up too.  
I went to mom, but she led me to him.

"Mulder" I tried my shaky voice.  "Why, 
why did you never tell me this?"

"I didn't want you to hurt anymore.  I
didn't want to trivialize your discovery 
of becoming a parent by adding that I 
felt like one too. And when she..." He was 
crying.  Oh God. "...When she died, I didn't 
want you to feel like you had to comfort
me Scully- I wanted to comfort you."  

"Oh Mulder.  I never knew.  I honestly 
never even thought about it."  His arms 
snaked around my waist and he pulled me 
to him, burying his head to my tummy.

*~*~*~*~*~*

She was standing between my knees, 
looking pale and young and sad.  I 
had to hold her.  She felt warm, I 
pressed my cheek to her belly and 
somehow this made me even more sad.  
It was this place, this empty place 
in her body that I wanted to fill, I 
wanted her to have it all and I wanted
to be the one sharing in it.  She could 
never bear her own children, not after 
the theft of her ovum; she would likely 
never adopt either, after the outcome 
of finding Emily.  I squeezed her harder, 
as if I could push all the pain aside 
and find peace in her body entwined 
with mine. 

Her hands scraped through my hair 
and I was electrified.  I felt as 
if we were meant to touch and hold 
each other in this private, intimate
way.  Like we were finally permitted 
to take comfort in each other.  

Her legs weakened and I guided her 
to my lap, still clinging to her.  
I caressed her teary cheeks and 
tucked her disheveled hair behind 
an ear.  Her head fell against my 
shoulder and we rocked silently 
together until the crying subsided, 
until the faintest of smiles glittered 
on us both.

*~*~*~*~*~*

I sat back and sighed. I had stood 
peering through the curtains watching 
my daughter and Fox reconciling all 
their unspoken pain.  It was marvelous 
to witness, their intimacy, their 
comfort, but it wasn't my place to 
keep spying so I made some tea and 
sat back down on the couch.

I only hope that they continue down 
this path.  They need each other so 
much; the silence was only killing them.  
Now, they can explore together.

It may have been a roller coaster of 
a day.  Bill yelling after his toddler, 
Dana sitting with her hand on Tammy's 
growing belly.  My daughter's pain and 
then Fox's too.  It was all so overwhelming.  
Yet here I was sipping tea and smiling 
and I couldn't have prayed for a more 
satisfying Mother's Day.



FIN

*~*~*~*~*~*


Some may have noticed that I have 
not been spewing out fiction at my 
regular rate.  I have become incredibly 
busy at work and things just fell by 
the way-side.  I have also been working 
on a long fic, possibly a novel length 
one.  It has been a difficult experience 
thusfar, and my  confidence has been 
slipping from lack of interaction with 
the fanfic world.  So, I hope this gets 
the proverbial juices flowing again- I'd 
love to know if you enjoyed it, hated it, 
think I'm nuts...  just send me feedback :)