From: shinkai@mlode.com (Susan Shinkai)
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 00:28:36 -0700
Subject: Story Submission: 
Source: direct

TITLE: Motherly Love 
AUTHOR: Shinkai
E-MAIL ADDRESS: shinkai@mlode.com
CATEGORY: V
RATING: PG 
SPOILERS - Sien und Ziet
KEYWORS - Scully/Mulder friendship, 7th season
SUMMARY: An answer to a challenge- What happened between Mulder and
Scully after he learns that his mother committed suicide?

DISCLAIMER:  The characters and some situations depicted in this story
are not the legal property of the author or her agents. This use is not
intended to be an infringement on the rights of the legal owners.  Use
and distribution of this story is for non-profit entertainment purposes
only.
____________________________

MOTHERLY LOVE

     Scully had seen nearly every aspect of Mulder in the seven years
they had been together.  Revelation, rage, hope, despair, and the
thousands of subtle emotions in-between.  But in the few minutes she had
been with him tonight, she had witnessed nearly the full spectrum of his
soul.  There was only part missing - a wound in his psyche she so
desperately wished she could heal.  Acceptance- believing in the truth
you've known all along but refused to acknowledge.

     Mulder sobbed helplessly in her arms, trying to reconcile what he
felt and what he knew.  His mother's words sounded like the start of a
confession.  The nefarious men who still had secrets to hide would never
tolerate the truth so her death at their hands was eminent.  Yet, Scully
presented him with the facts of her death. And in that light, it was
easy to see how she might want to bear her soul to her son but then end
it all before she felt the pain of her guilt.  He had flashbacks to his
father's death.  He had been trying to tell him something as well, just
moments before he died.  Mulder trembled with a horrible fear of the
truth he had sought for so long. His worst nightmare was that some how
he was to blame for Samantha's abduction and his parent's deaths.  His
mind was confused and he clung to Scully, hoping she had an answer.  She
did.

    Scully softly said that the message his mother wanted to give him
was for him to stop looking for Samantha.  It was a lie.  Scully had
heard the last words Mulder's mother left for him.  Clearly, Tena Mulder
wanted to make a confession although Scully had no idea if it was about
Samantha's disappearance or her overall performance as a mother.  But
Scully knew one other thing about this woman - she was the mother of a
very loving son whose life was a constant torture of lost and found
memories.  Like any mother, she would try to protect him so Scully took
the liberty of speaking in her behalf.  "Stop looking for your sister. 
That's what she wanted to tell you." It was the only way to protect him
from his own manic pursuit.

     Mulder didn't agree or argue, he simply clutched at the one person
left in his life that he loved and cared about.  While her embrace gave
him comfort, her words were as unsettling as his mother cryptic message.
 He tried to ignore his instincts and intellect because trusting Scully
was the only thing that made the pain bearable.  How easy it was to
regress into a child-like state of innocence and leave the burden of
understanding the truth to his devoted partner.  "Scully, will you find
her? Will you find Samantha?" His voice was weak and pleading, half
muffled with his face buried into her shoulder.

    Scully took a deep breath and hugged him tightly.  "Don't worry. 
She'll find you.  You just have to be patient."  She felt his body relax
slightly and his tears subsided. She eased herself on to the couch and
he curled his head into her lap but held fast to her waist. Brushing his
hair back, she softly cooed, "I'm not going anywhere.  We'll wait
together."
    
    Mulder seemed to fall into a restless sleep and Scully did her best
to rock him reassuringly. It occurred to her that she so desperately
wanted to be a mother that she may have usurped the role from Mulder's
mother.  Perhaps that's what Tena Mulder wanted to tell her son; that
she was ashamed of the way she had emotionally abandoned him.  Scully
searched her own feelings, trying to find meaning in the love she felt
for the man cradled in her arms. Just then Mulder stirred slightly and
opened his eyes hesitantly.  Scully quietly asked, "How are you doing?"

    Mulder positioned himself closer to her and mumbled, "I'm OK." He
glanced around the room, slightly disoriented in his half conscious
state.  "Is Dad home yet?" he asked incongruously.  "I know he'll blame
me for what happen to Sam." He began to tremble again and hugged the
bewildered Scully even tighter.  Her silence must have worried him
because he reached out to touch her face and whispered, "Mom?"

   Scully sighed heavily then tenderly kissed his out stretched finger. 
At a loss of what to do she simply said, "It' all right, Mulder. 
Everything will be all right."

    "Call me Fox, like you used to.  Just until Samantha comes back." He
nuzzled her like a frightened animal seeking reassurance and affection.
He felt safe beside her and Scully didn't have the heart to shatter the
fantasy.  

    "Go back to sleep, Fox.  I won't let anyone harm you.  But when you
wake up, you'll have to remember what happened and that's going to
hurt." Scully's tone had the confidence and gentleness that any mother
would envy but Mulder was clearly afraid of his future. "Fox, I can
protect you for now but I can't be here forever.  You have to find your
own way in life. Not mine or your father's."  He began to cry and
gripped her with an adult strength he was totally unaware he possessed. 
Scully gasped but made no effort to stop him.  "She will find you, Fox. 
It might take years but some day you'll understand. Someday we both will
understand."

     Suddenly Mulder sat up and looked angrily at Scully as he shouted,
"You lied to me!  Worst than that you let me lie to myself.  All these
years, and finally just when you're ready to die, you want to talk, to
confess your sins. "   Scully wasn't certain if Mulder was talking to
her, his mother or himself, but she sat in quiet reproach of her own
sins and listened as Mulder raved on.  "And what about Dad? He wanted to
tell me everything and then he died, too.  Did he kill himself instead
of facing me?  Was he just like you, so wrapped up in your own guilt he
couldn't admitted it to his own son?"  

    All at once, Mulder stood up and grabbed his gun from its holster
and pointed at his head. "Is that all we have in common? Delusions?
Lies? Guilt that can never be forgiven?  Why am I still here? What am I
living for if not the truth?"  He panted wildly, staring straight at
Scully but seeing his life full of deceptions before him.  

    This had gone too far, Scully decided.  Whatever fantasy was playing
out in Mulder's mind, it had just stepped over the line into her world. 
 She could no longer indulge the thought of playing Mom to his fragile
ego.  This was Mulder's life, a life she had incorporated into her own. 
A life she couldn't afford to lose.  Sternly she ordered, "Mulder,
listen to me! Put the gun down!"

     Mulder eyes refocused on his partner and her name escaped from his
lips.  Scully breathed a sigh of relief but realized he hadn't lowered
the weapon.  Tears filled his eyes and he gritted his teeth as he
exclaimed, "Scully, I did the same thing to you that they did to me.  I
made you live MY lie. Then you'll die just like them, hating yourself
and what you've become. It's got to stop, Scully.  It's got to stop
now!" His hand tightened on the gun but he was afraid of perpetuating
the cycle of guilt his father had started.  That hesitation gave Scully
the time she needed to intervene.

    Scully ignored the gun in Mulder's hand. It was just a distraction. 
Mulder was in more danger from what he believed.  In a calm steady
voice, she replied, "What is the truth, Mulder? We've been taken through
so many twists and turns, heard so many conflicting confessions, seen so
much ambiguous evidence.  I know only one truth - you loved your family
and they loved you.   That's why the lies are so hard to bear." 

    Mulder shook with confusion and doubt. "Why would she do it, Scully?
Why did my mother lie to me?"

   "Because she would risk anything, even your hatred to protect you.
She was your mother, Mulder."  Scully's thought turned to Emily and all
that she meant to her during their brief time together. "Maybe that's
why she never said anything about Samantha. She was her mother, too."

    Mulder's arm dropped weakly at his side and he set the gun back on
the table.  He stood there numb from the realization that she was right.
 Scully carefully pulled him back down to the couch and he fell back
into her protective embrace and allowed his feelings to return.  He wept
openly, making incoherent apologies and confessions, yet she understood
him completely.  He was speaking not just to her but to his father and
mother and sister, promising he would find the truth and free them all.

     Exhausted, Mulder lapsed back into a poor excuse for sleep.  Scully
was able to rouse him enough to walk him to his bed but even there he
would not let go of her.  She sat beside him on the bed, cradling his
head against her hip.  Occasionally he would awake and look at her in
confusion, as if he wasn't sure why she was there. Then he would curl up
to her and close his eyes again, choosing to accept the gift of her
presence without question. 

     Scully finally dozed off but remained at her station at his side. 
When Mulder woke to find her sleeping soundly, he smiled and boldly
kissed her abdomen, which he had adopted as a pillow.  He whispered,
"You've risked everything for me, too.  Do you love me that much or is
it just a mother's instincts to protect an orphaned child?" He paused as
if he expected an answer but all he heard was her rhythmic breathing. 
"I know you want me to 'grow up' and face the fact that Sam may be dead.
 But I'm not ready to let go yet. Mom was right; Samantha will find me. 
When I find my own path to my past, we'll meet at a crossroad in time
and space.  She'll call me by name and I'll know the truth."

    Scully moaned softly and her eyes fluttered open.  Stroking his hair
lovingly, she asked if he was all right.  "I'm fine, Mom.  Just stay
with me tonight, just until Samantha and Dad come home." Mulder replied,
feigning an innocence he lost long ago.

    Sluggish with sleep, Scully assumed Mulder was in another dream-like
state.  Hoping to avoid another outburst, she said, "I'll stay right
here, Fox, as long as you need me.  And I'll step aside when you need
your freedom." Her sentiments came from the heart regardless of what
role she played in his life.

   Mulder hugged her and kissed her again, fully aware that this was his
friend and partner, not his mother. "I love you." he whispered softly.

     Half asleep, caught unaware between two different fantasies, Scully
whispered back, "I love you, too, Mulder."  

    The troubled man smiled at last and found a brief escape in deep
sleep where he dreamed he found the truth in the hearts of the people
who loved him. 


END
___________________________    

Please sent all comments and questions to shinkai@mlode.com or visit my
website at http://www.mlode.com/~shinkai/fanfic/xffanfic.htm