From: Fire4ced@aol.com
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 2000 19:50:42 EDT
Subject: The Mouse Files, by Sarah F. and Anna S.
Source: direct

                            The Mouse Files
 
    Once upon a time there lived a white cat. And she lived in a castle 
on a hill. She had 3 mice a day for breakfast lunch and dinner.
Even though her best friend happened to be a mouse. His name was 
Mouse. And he was a special agent with the FVI (feline violence 
investigations). He was an overgrown mouse with a large .... well 
everything. And he was secretly investigating his best friend, the 
white cat. He thought that maybe the white cat was his long lost 
sister, Kitty. Even though that they were different species, they 
both had the same mother.
    So once, Mouse went to ask Deep Throat Drug Smoking Man whether 
or not his suspicions were correct. But DTDSM was characteristically
evasive, and told Mouse that he was his father. Mouse almost had a 
heart attack because he pretty sure that the White Cat has had sex with 
DTDSM a couple of times and that meant that she's not likely to have
sex with Mouse because of that. But more than that, he was worried 
that instead of White Cat being his sister, that she was his mother.
Mouse decided that the best way to decide this was to ask the White
Cat, after all, she would know whether she gave birth to Mouse or 
not. But when he went to White Cat's house, she wasn't there, and 
there appeared to be signs of a struggle in her bedroom. Mouse got 
worried and began looking for clues and found that there was a 
half-dead mouse lying on the floor, that turned out to be White Cat's
uneaten Lunch. And as long as he'd known White Cat, she'd never 
left half of her lunch uneaten. He looked around the room for a clue 
and found a BIG BIG clump of fur.  Mouse picked it up and examined 
it, and he saw that it was dog fur but it was unusually long. 
        Perplexed, he brought it with him to the FVI for DNA analysis.
He also brought a chunk of it to the Three Lone Hamsters. He asked 
Buryer, Longly, and Freaky to run a check on the DNA of all 
available criminals in the CIA (Cat intelligence agency) database.
They did the check and found out that the fur belonged to a dog, Kip,
that once broke into the Orange House where the president Lion 
lived, but caused no harm because he was caught. But as far as he'd 
heard, Kip was in prison. And the hair found at the crime scene was 
long - too long to be that of a dog. It didn't make sense. And then 
it suddenly hit him... A rock flew in the window and hit him in the 
head and he realized it. Of course how could he have missed that...
Someone must have made a clone of Kip and crossed it with some 
other animal's DNA
         So Mouse figured that the only smart-ass who would even 
attempt to do that is DTDSM, because he didn't want Mouse to find out
The Truth. But The Truth was out there and so was Mouse as he was 
stuffing his large everything into a tiny red Speedo to do some 
undercover work. Mouse was going to pretend to be just a regular pool 
boy who worked at DTDSM's house,
and hopefully  he would "pump" (pun intended wink wink) enough of 
the right people to get the information he needed.
        So Mouse started out on his journey; he arrived there 
explaining that the other pool boy was out sick and that he's filling
in. And soon all the females who worked there and the ones hanging 
out by the pool were just lining up to talk (aka flirt) with him. He 
was only searching for one though and, not finding her, he was 
awfully disappointed, when suddenly he saw DTDSM looking at him 
sternly. "Are you actually stupid enough to come here and try to get
information right in front of me? Especially in that damned Speedo."
Mouse was horribly embarrassed, but decided to ask him about The 
White Cat and The Truth. DTDSM laughed.
            "The truth? You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!" 
DTDSM blushed when he saw everyone by the pool rolling 
their eyes. "Sorry, I couldn't help it. Anyway, I've slept with too 
many white cats to tell them apart now. But, you have to believe 
that I'm your father. Have I ever lied to you before?" he asked 
innocently.
          Mouse almost fainted at the thought the answer to that.
So he put on his best Thinking Face and decided that DTDSM 
was hiding the White Cat somewhere in the house. Mouse set out to 
look for her while DTDSM looked away and smoked a blunt.
          So he quietly snuck into the house. He opened the first 
door on his left and saw it was the bathroom. So he took that 
opportunity to change out of his Speedo, since it was cutting of the 
circulation to his, um, everything. Then he went into the next room. 
Inside he found an insanely large wolf. The coloring of the wolf 
matched that of the clump of fur. Mouse then knew for sure that DTDSM 
had the White Cat. But before he could have another thought, the 
wolf charged.
          Mouse reacted instantly and shut the glass sliding door, 
hoping that the door was strong enough to support a hard blow and 
that the wolf was too stupid to realize it was glass.
Sure enough the wolf hit the glass hard. In a second the 
glass was covered with blood and it made it impossible to look at 
what was going on inside the room. At the same time, Mouse heard a 
female scream somewhere in the house.
            He followed the scream upstairs, into a room at the end 
of the hall. When he opened the door, he found White Cat...in the 
middle of having sex with DTDSM!
           Mouse rushed up to both of them screaming "What the hell 
 is going on???". 
DTDSM responded to him - " What? You want 
 some of the action now, don't you?"
            Mouse paused and considered for a second, and then 
realized what he was thinking about and become completely disgusted 
with himself. "No way, man! Especially since you told me she's my 
mother."
         At that moment White Cat screamed. At first Mouse thought she was 
having an orgasm, but then he realized she's screaming at him. 
"What???? There is no way in hell I can be your mother, because this 
is the first time I've ever had sex! I was a virgin before this."
        Mouse was standing there, confused. "So why did you decide 
that your first time should be with DTDSM?" The White Cat kept on 
yelling "Because he's raping me, you moron!!!!"
        "Oops...sorry" Mouse said. He grabbed his gun and pointed it 
straight at DTDSM's head. "You get away from her now, or else I 
shoot."
        DTDSM pulled out slowly. Mouse saw that he was reaching for 
something in his pocket, so he shot DTDSM in the head. Brains 
splattered all over the floor. And then Mouse noticed that DTDSM 
grew a new head. "You fool," DTDSM said. "You can't actually 
expect me to be killed off. It's never worked before, even though 
you've tried so many times before. I mean, I'm 108 and I do 10 
kilos of drugs a day, and I'm still not dead! Face it, I'm one of the 
best villains you have, and the writers aren't gonna just kill me 
off."
        "That's true" said Mouse to himself. Then he decided that the
only thing he could do was try to grab White Cat and run. 
He started slowly moving up to her, while keeping DTDSM distracted 
with some dumb conversation.
         "So...how about them Yankees, huh?" He inched closer to White
Cat, continuing "They're doing  okay, but the Mets are really 
catching up to them." He secretly grabbed White Cat's paw, letting 
her know they were gonna make a break for it. "Speaking of the Mets,
one of their games is on right now, so I gotta...RUN!" He and White
Cat bolted for the door, and almost made it until they saw that 
instead of the free door there were two big guard dogs in their way.
            DTDSM laughed. "Mouse, Mouse, you are too gullible. You 
come all the way here, not realizing that everything has been set up
for you. The scream you followed was fake. And did you really think
that I would allow a puny freak like you to barge in on me? I set 
it all up, and now you're gonna pay for your mistakes."
           Mouse looked for a way out, but couldn't find any. "Okay, 
you can have me, but let White Cat go. You know I'm the one you 
want."
           DTDSM pretended to consider that for a moment. Then, he 
responded: "Oh really, and what makes you think that I shouldn't 
have you both? You can't do anything about it. I'm the one who makes
decisions around here, not you."
           "But I'm supposed to be self-sacrificing and always trying
to protect White Mouse. It's in my character description."
        "Well, I'll tell everyone you tried. But for now, both of you are 
going to the basement with these lovely gentlemen." And DTDSM 
pointed to the big guard dogs.
            But they weren't normal dogs. They were more of those 
dog-wolf hybrids that DTDSM cloned, only these were more intelligent
        "Duh...hey, boss? How do we get to the basement?" 
Big Guard Dog #1  asked.
          "You follow the stairs all the way down! How many times do 
I have to tell you?" said DTDSM, and lit a stoge. "Now, I'm running 
low on crack, so when you get there, only one of you will guard them
and the other one will get me some of this shit." 
           Mouse heard this and began to hope that if only one of 
them was there, he and White Cat might be able to distract him and 
escape. The Big Guard Dogs both brought them to the basement (after 
getting lost a few times) and locked them both in a cage. When the 
first guard left to go get DTDSM more crack, Mouse thought of a 
brilliant plan.
    "White Cat, can you do something for me? Tell the guard dog that 
 you'll flash him if he comes up to you. Then I'll try to reach for 
 his keys and/or gun. The White Cat considered this for a moment 
    "While I was here I learned that... well... he doesn't 
 swing that way. You know what I mean?"
    "Damn. All right, fine. You grab the keys and/or gun, and I'll...do 
 the thing." He turned toward the guard. "Hey, Mr. Guard. You know, 
 you're quite attractive for a Big Guard Dog. Hey, come over here, 
 and I'll flash you...."
         The guard dog stood there for a second, and then he put his 
keys on the table far away from the cage. Mouse cursed quietly. 
Next thing he knew The Guard Dog was right next to him and looking 
down at Mouse's pants. Then he saw White Cat reach for the gun, 
at the same time that the guard grabbed Mouse's dick.
    "You must think that I'm really stupid, " The guard said. "Well, I'm
not like the other guard dog. Little Kitty, move your hand away 
from my gun or your Mousey friend here won't be "packing any heat" 
anymore." He added seriousness to the threat by giving Mouse's dick 
a squeeze, causing him to give a soprano yelp.
          The White Cat couldn't help laughing. Both Mouse and Guard 
Dog stared at her. She stopped and moved away. The Guard Dog smiled 
at Mouse. "And now, I'm going to have to ask you to do what you 
promised... and maybe more." Mouse almost fainted.
    "Uhhh...yeah, but, ummm, to do that, you'd have to open the cage 
door, cuz I can't possibly do anything through the bars -" he cut 
himself off when he saw the guard sticking his dick between the bars.
    "Suck it, bitch" the guard said. Mouse leaned in close, trying not 
to faint. Just before he was close enough to suck it, White Cat had 
an idea.
    "Hey guard dog, is that your *gun* sticking through the bars, or are 
you just happy to see Mouse?" Mouse got the hint, and while Guard 
dog was thinking
Mouse reached for the gun, but decided that to effectively 
hurt Guard Dog, he'd have to do something else. So he closed his 
eyes, leaned forward, and bit at the same time grabbing the gun from
Guard Dog. Guard Dog yelled in pain, and before he knew what had 
happened, Mouse was pointing the gun at him.
 "This is for making me have to bite your dick" Mouse said. He cocked
the gun (pardon the pun) and was about to shoot when the 1st guard 
dog came back.
    "Duh...hey, what do you think you're doin...?"
    "Umm... nothing?" Mouse tried to pretend to be innocent, after all,
this Guard Dog was not very smart. Mouse said "Me and The Guard 
Dog here were just playing a little game of who can open the cage 
door first. He got it in 5 seconds. Can you beat him?" The 1st Guard
Dog ran up to the cage and opened it so fast that the other Guard 
Dog wasn't able to stop him.
            GD #2 tried to speak "You can't -" but was cut off by 
Mouse shoving the barrel of the gun into his back. Mouse said "Hey, 
guard dog, that was good, but the second part of the game is a lot 
more fun. You have to quickly lock the other guard dog into the 
cage, and then take me and White cat upstairs to where DTDSM is."
The 1st Guard Dog locked the second one in the cage right away, and 
then said "Uhhh... well.... DTDSM is here, but I don't know how to 
get to him."
    "O..kay, but you can still tell us where he is, right?"
    "He's above us somewhere:" said the Guard Dog. Mouse saw that he 
wasn't getting any help from him anyway and told him to go inside the 
cage. After locking him in, Mouse decided that maybe he shouldn't 
go to DTDSM with White Cat.
    "White cat, you go to the nearest police station and get us some 
help. I'll deal with DTDSM" White Cat was a little annoyed by this.
    "It's not your job to protect me! I can take care of myself, and I 
can decide for myself what I'm gonna do!"
    "So, what are you gonna do?" Mouse asked.
    "I'm gonna go to the police station to get some help, but I was 
planning on doing that before you told me to." She left and Mouse 
went upstairs.
           He snuck around the house, looking for DTDSM. He did 
that for a long time now, and was about to give up, when he 
smelled something .... it was as if someone was smoking. Mouse 
followed the smell to a closed door, hidden behind a large bookcase. 
            He quietly turned the doorknob and opened the door. He 
went inside and started choking from the haze of smoke that filled 
the room.
        "Shit, he thought, if I don't find DTDSM soon, I'll be too 
high to do anything" he quickly searched through the fog, and 
finally saw the light on the burning end of a joint. He tackled the 
person smoking, but saw that it wasn't DTDSM, it was his boss, 
Swinner. The worst part about this was that Swinner was so high 
he started hugging and kissing Mouse. Mouse tried to get away to 
continue his search, but couldn't. Then he heard DTDSM's voice.
    "Swinner...who else is there?" Yes! Mouse thought, he can't 
see me through the smoke.
    "Oh, nobody," Swinner said, "Just a pretty pink elephant playing 
polo above my head. Hello little elephant...are you playing through?"
Mouse realized that Swinner was just too high. He tried to remember 
where the exit was and began dragging Swinner there. After dragging 
him out of the room, Mouse dropped Swinner on the floor and went 
back in. He thought DTDSM couldn't see him, but didn't realized that
DTDSM's eyes were so used to smoke, he could see everything clearly.
    "You thought I couldn't see you, but you didn't realize that my eyes
are so used to smoke, I could see everything clearly." And while 
Mouse was still trying to look through the smoke, DTDSM snuck up
from behind and tied his hands.
     "Now, let's see if you turn out  like Swinner when you get high" 
and he shoved a joint in front of  his face, forcing him to inhale. 
::evil laughter::
     After a minute, Mouse couldn't care less about anything. He was 
out of this world now. The only thing that could have saved him 
was The White Cat.
    And in she came, along with 50 cops with fans and giant flashlights,
sucking out the smoke and cutting through the darkness. DTDSM 
was so surprised, he dropped the joint and let go of mouse. White 
Cat ran over to Mouse while a cop handcuffed DTDSM and said 
    "You're under arrest...for possession of controlled substances."
    "Controlled substances?! He tried to kill us!!" White Cat said.
            But no one was listening to her. She began explaining 
everything to the policeman, but noticed that one of them handcuffed
Mouse. 
    "Why are you arresting him? He didn't do anything." The cop 
answered: 
    "Same thing as the other one plus breaking and entering."
    "God, you cops are useless!! Why don't you go eat a doughnut or 
something?!" and as she said that, all the cops ran out of the room 
and to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts. White Cat picked up the key to 
the handcuffs and unlocked Mouse. "Mouse, speak to me! Are you okay?"
    "Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the 
 chicks? ~Shaft~ Can you dig it? They say this cat Shaft is a baaad 
 mother. ~Shut your mouth~ Talking 'bout Shaft." Mouse sang.
    "Hmmm...this seems awfully familiar..." White Cat said, but she
just shrugged it off. She re-handcuffed Mouse to a door for safekeeping,
and then dragged DTDSM to the basement and threw him in the cage 
with the horny guard dog.
            Poor DTDSM was abused for three months straight before 
the Dog got tired. And at that time Mouse was coming to in White 
Cat's house. When he was completely awake, he said
    "White Cat, I love you. Will you marry me?" White Cat paused a 
 second.
    "Oh, brother" she sighed.
          Mouse yelled. "What? I'm your brother?" 
    "No, no, that's not  what I meant, said White Cat. We're not 
related in any way, it's just that my divorce with Swinner isn't final yet,
but if you want we could be together forever and ever and ever after that.
          Then Mouse woke up from that horrible nightmare and saw
that he was still chained to the door in DTDSM's room. 
 Since his high had worn off, he realized that White Cat had been gone 
an awfully long time. "I wonder what's keeping her...."
          No matter what he tried, he couldn't get the chains off of 
him. Many months later, an unfortunate little boy discovered two 
corpses in an abandoned house. That boy's name was Fox Mulder. 
    He never forgot that house, or the supernatural  vibes he got 
from it, and he made it his quest to uncover the truth  about all 
paranormal things, because THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!
    The End.