From: daphne@xfilesfan.com Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 00:10:02 -0600 Subject: New story: "Mulder and Scully Don't Have Sex" by Pandora2 Only I can create something out of nothing at all?or maybe not. Title: Mulder and Scully Don't Have Sex. Author: Pandora2 Email: daphne@xfilesfan.com Rating: PG Cat: SH crazyfic (tm) Keywords: crazyfic?MSR Spoilers: none. Summary: The dilemmas of not having any inspiration? Disclaimer: why should I disown my own story??? I wrote the bloody thing after all? Feedback: Yes damnit you silly fools! Extras: Oh look! She's gone mad. Gee damn, what a pity. Maybe now she'll finish that silly Utopia story?what the hell possessed her to write it again anyway? Dedication: For Felicity and Amanda. The navy brat and the hick-town gal ;) Naaah, we don't miss y'all heh heh? *************************************************** Mulder and Scully Don't Have Sex Pandora2 *************************************************** The girl sat solemnly in her fun twirly chair. She chewed absently on the end of a fountain pen as the Lop snuffled calmly on her lap. She was stuck. Stuck-stuck-stucky. It seemed to be that all the possible ways of getting Mulder and Scully into bed had already been used! What was she to do? *Eat carrots. * Said the Lop. The girl glared at the rabbit, who was now waffling its little nose in innocence. She huffed in annoyance and gently deposited the rabbit on the carpet. "Hot damn," she sighed. "How the hell am I going to get Mulder and Scully to sleep together without sounding cliché?" She glared again at the Lop before it said anything smart. She looked around her neatish room. "Damnshitcrap." She muttered, as her eyes traced the titles of books sitting on her shelves. "There's gotta be some inspiration in here somewhere!" Reaching up, she pulled a paperback off a shelf. 'Red Mars' the title said boldly. "Hmmm?" she furrowed her brow; she was sure there were a few steamy scenes in this somewhere? Ah yes, here we go? "She lifted her hand to touch his, and that was all it took. They left the trail and ducked into a thicket of pine. They stopped to kiss, and it has been long enough since the last time it felt strange to her. They sat on pine needles, rolled together like students necking in the woods." The girl closed the book with a laughing snort. 'A touch was all it took' Honestly! There was no way she was going to write a story like that?people would die from sappy overdose. She tried it anyway, and this is what happened? ** " They ran through the woods in hot pursuit of the horrible plot device. Scully in front and Mulder in tow. Scully heard a muffled thud from her partner and turned around. He was just getting up, after falling over a very large and conspicuous tree root. "Jeez Mulder, watch where you're going!" she scolded. There was a peal of insane laughter in the distance. "Damnit Mulder, you let the Plot device get away." Mulder grimaced and rubbed his leg. "Don't worry. We're sure to catch him next time." He walked over to Scully and took her delicate hand in his. That one touch was all it took. They were suddenly in each-others arms. Scully managed to pull him off the path and into a thicket of pines, where they rolled together like a pair of horny teens. ** The girl read over what she had written and chocked down a horrified scream. It was bloody awful. She couldn't post that on a mailing list! Suicide. It was so damn fluffy you could commit murder with it. *Scully should offer him a carrot. * Snuffled the Lop. "Listen to me you silly lump of snuffling' buck toothed bunny," the girl said, picking the rabbit up off the floor, "There is no way on earth Mulder and Scully will get together because of a freaking carrot. Is that clear?" *Lettuce? * "No!" She put the rabbit back down. Then, "Romance and Vegetables do not mix." *Sure. * It said, and bounced away. ** /Stupid talking animal. / Thought the girl to herself, /I don't know why I bother sometimes. / "Ah yes, inspiration!" Exclaimed the girl, remembering her task. There was a handy pile of pre-printed fanfiction sitting on her desk. She picked them up and filed through them. 'Master Plan' 'Favours' 'VanPool' 'The Forgotten Ones' 'The Shirt' 'Remembrance' 'Dickless' 'Babysitting VII'? 'Scully offers Mulder a carrot stick'? What!? She checked the title again. Yes, indeed it said what she'd thought it said. "Hmm." She murmured, "I don't think I've read this particular piece before?" She opened the page up, and started to read cautiously? ** "Mulder sat at his desk watching Scully eat her lunch. A carrot stick, Long, stiff, orange, and crunchy. His stomach grumbled, he was hungry. How he longed for the carrot Scully ate. How he longed to be her carrot. That way he'd never go hungry again. A trickle of drool bungee-jumped from his mouth, swinging in mid air and then landing in a splat of enzymes on top of an X-file folder. "Mulder?" He looked up from the folder he was now cleaning. His partner was looking at him in concern. "Yeah Scully??" "Are you okay? You looked a little lost there, and then you started drooling." "Ah, yeah. I'm okay. I was probably daydreaming." Scully looked at him strangely and then nodded, "Perhaps you're hungry Mulder, would you like the rest of my carrot? You haven't eaten all day." Ah, Scully the psychic. You just had to love her for that quality. He nodded, "yes. Yes I am quite hungry actually. Are you sure I can have your carrot? You looked ravishing?Ravenous! Earlier?" She shook her head and placed the remainder of the carrot in his hand. "It's okay Mulder, you can eat my carrot." He accepted it with a smile?" ** The Girl slammed the story shut before it could get any worse. Her eyes narrowed. That damn rabbit! "Lop!" She yelled, "Get your furry ass here now!" No answer. Well, she wasn't really expecting one anyway, the stupid rabbit could dish it out but he couldn't take it. She closed her eyes and rubbed her nose, turning the radio on for the news. `I?. am hooked on a feeling?I'm high on believing?that you're in love with me?' "Eek!" Screamed the girl as she slapped the radio off. Oh no, there was no way she was gonna write a songfic. No Way. She remembered the last time she wrote one?pure disaster. ?But still she could try?its wasn't a whole song?just two lines, really? No, no. She wasn't going to fall for that one again. That's what she said to herself the last time. Uh-uh, never again. But never was a long, long time? Which of course meant she wasn't going to write one! Well, when in doubt you could always fall back on a stakeout scene? ** "They sat in the rental car. It was cool outside, and the air-conditioning kept a warm breeze wafting through the vents. Scully watched her partner snore in his sleep. It wasn't a loud snore; it was more like the consistent low hum of a bumblebee. Stakeouts were boring. They were worse when your stakeout partner fell asleep and started snoring. She softly ran her fingers over his chin to see if it'd wake him up. It didn't, he did a broken snoring-snorty thing and turned the other way, continuing his cacophony. Scully crossed her eyes in frustration and sighed. It was her turn to sleep and his turn to watch now. The log had been sleeping for an hour and thirty minutes already! Something had to give. "Mulder?" she whispered seductively, "Mulder?its time to wake up?" He grunted. "Hey Mulder c'mon!" Grunt. Scully ran her hand over his chest, "Hey big-boy, time to wake up." Snort Snuffle Grunt Shift. She humphed in frustration. The porno approach usually worked on him. Obviously not this time though. Maybe singing the anthem would work? "Sta-ar SpAAAN-gled Baaaaaan-ER!" Moan. Okay, fine. Screaming the spangled banner at the top of her lungs wasn't going to help either. She had one last resort. They had sworn to keep their private lives separate from the job, but if this what it would take, well? She smooched him. Right in the kisser. ** "No, no, no." Said the girl. Why did everyone have to write in a kiss before they got to the smut? What if the characters didn't want to kiss? Perhaps they were in too much of a hurry to worry about that crap and went straight for the gold? Pfft! It'd never catch on. You couldn't screw someone without touching?unless of course you didn't exist?like in that weird story with the stellar body thingy? This was dumb. Why the hell was she trying to write a fanfic anyway? No one really appreciated her stuff. She didn't even like it! Well?no point writing a story that nobody wanted to read. Was there? Pfft. Fancy that, a romance without a kiss. What a silly idea. *************************************************** And so they danced the night in sweet content. His arm round her shoulders. Hers about his neck. She looked deep into his pretty hazel eyes and said? "I love you." The End. *************************************************** The End. What the hell? You're still here? Well come on then! What are you waiting for!? Send me feedback silly! Credits: Story Titles featured in this story: Red Mars by Kim Stanley Robinson The Master Plan by Pandora2 (ooh that's me!) The Forgotten Ones by um?uh? Favours by Kris Hughes (I think?) Van Pool by Margi Magiuilly (sp?) The Shirt by Audrey Rodget Babysitting 7 by Pandora2 (ooh! Me again!) Remembrance by FBI Woman Stories featured in this story in order of appearance: In Pursuit of the Godawful Horrid Plot Device by the Lop Dickless by the Lop (title only) Scully offers Mulder a Carrot by the Lop Stakeout Boredom by the Lop Love Story by the Lop (the lop is the muse in disguise...) Song credits: 'Feeling' (title?) By whoever the hell wrote it (bof.) 'Star Spangled Banner' Real Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter. The titles of the stories listed above belong to whoever wrote them. The songs I used belong to whoever wrote, sung, and composed them. I don't mean to piss anybody off by using these items. Excuse me. No rabbits, pine trees, or carrots were harmed during the making of this film?story. Feedback you fool! Feedback! daphne@xfilesfan.com