From: =?iso-8859-1?q?Starbuck=20Scully?= Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000 22:29:23 +0100 (BST) Subject: Mulder and the Seven Samanthas by Stabuck_Scully_69 Source: direct Title: Mulder and the Seven Samanthas. Catorgory: Mulder/Scully romance. Humor. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs crossover. Author: Starbuck_Scully_69 Disclamer: The X-Files and all of its characters belong to Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Poductions. Pikachu belongs to...ummmm..well... I haven't gotta clue.. the creators of Pokemon I guess... Summary: The evil AD Skinner wants to be the most handsome man in the bureau. To do this he has to kill Mulder. Will Scully save Mulder beofre Skinner kills him??? Spoilers: Quagmire and Amor Fati Classification: CRH - Crossover/Romance/Humor Rating: PG-13 MULDER AND THE SEVEN SAMANTHAS " Mirror Mirror on the FBI issued bureau desk. Who is the most handsom man of all?" Walter Skinner spoke into his mirror and smoothed down the remaining hairs on his head. " Althought you are mighty fine, great A.D, there is one who is hansomer." Walter Skinners face pukkered into a frown. " Explain." he said curtly. " He is tall, dark and handsome. He has a fear of conspirators and is addicted to porn. Shall I go on?" Skinner muttered one under his breath, " Fox Mulder" Then, as if waking from a deam, Skinner shook himself and regarded the mirror. " Well," he spoke aloud "talking to yourself is the first sign of madness... or is it the second??" " Yo! Schizo!" yelled the mirror. "What are you gonna do about Mulder?" " Leave him alone?" said Skinner meekly. " Noooo." the mirror spoke up. " Haven't you ever heard of 'Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs'?" the mirror took one look at Skinners face and said, " Obviously not." " You're meant to kill Mulder so that you will be the most hansome bureau employee of them all." " Ohhhhh. Right. Gotcha." Skinner said and reached for the cell-phone on his desk. He dialed a number and spoke into the mouthpiece. " My place. 8.00pm" " Ahhh. You arranged for someone to meet you so you can kill off Mulder..." the mirror said. " Ummm... not exactly.." Skinner answered. " That was my date for tonight." " Jeeze. Would you just call someone so we can get this over with and I can go back to saying whatever crap I'm meant to be saying in this story. " Yeah, kay." Skinner fumbled with his cell phone again and arranged for Diana Fowly to go down to the basement and shoot Mulder in the head. XxX Fox Mulder sat in his swivel chair in the basement turning round and round and round and round whilst listening to and half watching one of his x-rated movie. The cute redhead was about to do something interesting, he just knew it. He sat up, stopped twisting his chair round, and studied the TV screen intently. Mulder heard a knock at the door. Thinking that it must be Scully he quickly took the tape out of the VCR and shoved it into the inside pocket of his jacket. Before he had gotten out of his seat to open the door, it was flung open and Diana Fowly was revealed. Her gun pointing at his him. " Hi Diana." Mulder grinned and waved. " Fox." Diana Fowly snapped a greeting and fired her gun at Mulders heart. Mulder fell over immediately without so much as an * ouch, that hurt* noise. Diana, satisfied that her work had been done, marched out of the basement office to find a pathologist of some sort to take Mulder's heart out of his body to prove to Skinner that he was well and truly dead as a doornail. Mulder listened to Diana walking down the hall. When he was sure that Diana Fowly has gotten into the elevator, her sat up and pulled the porno video from his inside pocket. " Damn." he cursed as he saw the bullet imbedded in the video. That meant he would never find out what the redhead was about to do. He sighed and dumped the tape in the trash. He then calmly walked out of the FBI headquarters, not even bothering to wonder why Diana had come into his office less than 5 minutes ago to kill him. XxX Dana Scully marched into her apartment and quicky scanned the interior for a stray Cancerman, shapeshifter or Donnie Phfaster. She went over to the fridge and pondered on what to have for dinner. She was intent on keeping her body weight at 110 lbs or below so she plucked a single lettuce leaf off the whole vegetable and went over to eat it on the couch. Five minutes later saw Dana Katherine Scully abandon her diet and root around in the freezer to find a huge tub of double chocolate, full fat ice cream of which she managed to polish off in about 10 minutes. Half way through 'Notting Hill' Scully's phone rang and she lazily reached out and pressed the 'hands-free' button. " Scully." she drawled. " Hi. Scully. Its Mulder." Scully frowned. Mulder sounded scared and out of breath. " Mulder? Whats wrong?" she asked. " Diana tried to kill me." Scully bolted upright off the couch and grabbed the reciever in a vain attemp to bring herself closer to Mulder. " How? When?" she asked him. " Ummm. At about 2 this afternoon. She took a shot at me." Scully looked at her watch. It read 11.21pm. Why the hell was he telloing her all this now if it happened at 2? " Mulder? Why the hell are you telling me all of this now if it happened at 2 this afternoon?" " Hey! I only just realised. You're the first person I told." " I'm honoured Mulder, but Diana tried to KILL you, and your acting as if she just got pregnant with your child." " Hmmmm." Mulder mused. Scully coughed nervously. The last thing she wanted him to be thinking about was having sex with Diana. God knows he had had sex with that slut enough times already! " Mulder? How come you aren't dead?" Mulder proceeded to explain his little escapade with the porn video in way too much detail than Scully would have liked. Eventually she cut him off and said, " Mulder, Its not safe for you here anymore. You have to get away from your apartment fast! Don't come here. This is the first place they'll look for you. You have to go somewhere no-one would ever think of looking for you. " The FBI cafeteria?" " Nope. Diana probably has spies all over the headquarters by now. Ummm... why don't you go to the mall?" " But, Sculleeee.." whined Mulder. " I hate going to the mall, even when YOU drag me there." " Exactly." Scully said and waited. She could hear the cogs inside Mulder brain whirring and she could swear she could smell smoke. " Don't think too hard Mulder." she said. " Wouldn't want to wear out that Oxford educated brain." she teased. Finally she heard an "ohhhhh" noise being made by Mulder and could hear the *click* of his brain as he finally registered. " Thanks Scully. See ya." " Wait! Mulder, don't hang up!" Scully yelled frantically. " Whats up Scully?" " Ummm... I just wanted to say be careful and don't get killed and ummmm....." she took a deep breath summoning all of her courage. Knowing Diana, this could be the last time she spoke to him. "and I just wanted to say..." " Say what Scully?" " I love you Mulder." " I love you too. More than you'll ever know." " More than Diana?" " Miles more. I hate Diana." He hung up leaving a satisfied Dana Scully on the end of the disconnected phone. XxX Diana Fowly walked into the basement office accompanied by Skinner and a pathologist who was fully equipped with a scapal. She pushed open the door and revealed a bare floor with no sign of Mulder. An angry unidentifiable noise was made by Skinner. " Agent Fowley!" he boomed. " I Thought I told you to KILL him." " I did.. I ...I shot him right in the heart and then rushed away to get Charlotte." she guestured towards the pathogist and continued, "I was so sure he was dead. I shot him straight in the heart." she stammered. " Maybe this cuold have something to do with it." Skinner bent down into the trash and picked out a video with a lable reading ' Redheads go undercover' in Mulder's unmistakably scruffy scrawl of an excuse for handwriting. The video had a bullet in it." " Shit." Diana cursed. " Does that mean your not gonna pay me now?" " You bet." Skinner answered. Charlotte the pathologist signed, dissapointed that she wouldn't get to cut up any dead bodies, but a trip to the video store might not be such a bad idea.... " Jeeze, Diana. Can't you do anything right? You are soooo fired from the FBI and you can forget the whole, ' my place, 8.00 thing' as well." "Well, since I'm fired I guess I can do this then." Diana kneed Skinner in the balls and took off down the corridor. Skinner, curled up on the floor of the basement office, stared at the ' I Want To Believe' poster and mumbled. " You can't get the job done properly unless you do it yourself." XxX Mulder drove round the mall parking lot. The senior citizen in the car in front was making it hard for Mulder to travel at a speed above 5 miles per hour. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, he tried to remeber when was the last time he fed his fish, he thought about the recent government conspiracy he had uncovered, he thought about what it would be like to have sex with Scully and he tried to remember when was the last time he fed his fish some more before his patience wore thin and he rolled down the window of his Ford Taurus. " Hey!! Speed up in front you acient road hog!" he half yelled half screamed out of the window. The car behind stopped and Cancerman got out, gave Mulder an evil stare and got back in his car again. He proceeded to drive at a speed totaling 2 miles per hour. Finally Mulder pulled into a parking space. " I hate these places." he muttered and climed out of his car, immediately pushing his door into the car parked next to his. Mulder ran away from his car and the screeching car alarm towards the mall. He tried to decide whether he would prefer to be dead. Skinner pulled the mini skirt futher down over his hips and adjusted the balls of tissue paper which were serving as breasts. He tottered clumsily in his stilleto heels and walked over to his 'stall'. Mulder sat, cowering on a bench on the second story of the mall. There were too many people. Too many screaming kids. Too many happy couples. Yup. He definitely hated these places. Mulder decided that he could be stuck in this hellhole for a long time to come and decided to grab a drink. He wandered over to Starbucks and ordered a black coffee all the while chucking to himself. Scully.. a Starbuck.... who whould have guessed. He did feel mildly sorry for what happened to Queequeg that night though. Skinner searched the mall for Mulder. He had guessed that this would be the place Scully would have sent him. They both knew of his long standing hatred for any place filled with swarms of people.. or bees for that matter. Mulder came out of Starbucks feeling refreshed, yet still slightly thirsty. He dug in his pockets for change and found two old parking tickets, an old shoelace, one of Scully's lipsticks and finally two quarters covered in lint. Damn. That was not gonna be enough. He suddenly spotted a small stall which seemed to be selling drinks of somesort. No one was going near it so Mulder figured that he wouldn't have to queue. The woman running the stall looked kinda familiar but Mulder could not work out where he had seen her before. * I wish Scully was here* he thought. * she would know exactly where we saw that woman.* Abandoning all hopes of ever remembering Mulder walked towards the stall. " How much for a soda?" he asked. " For you handsome," the woman spoke to him in a really high, squeaky voice which reminded Mulder of Skinner, " the soda is free." " Thanks." Mulder accepted the cup that thw woman had offered him, shoved his two, lint-covered quarters back in his pocket and walked back to his bench. His cell phone rang. " Doug." he answered. " I... ummm.. sorry. I must have the wrong number. Sorry." Scully voice said into his ear. " No! Scully! Wait! Don't hang up!" Mulder screeched causing everyone to turn round and stare at him. " Mulder?" she asked. " Yeah. I decided to answer my phone in another name in case you were Diana." " I'm insulted." " So you should be." he replied. " How are you holding up?" Scully asked him. " Not so good. Did I ever tell you that I HATE malls. If I hear one more little kid make a reference to Pokemon I am seriously gonna pull out my gun and shoot them, to hell with Bureau policy!!!" " Pik-a-chu!! Pika! Pika!" yelled Sully. Mulder grunted in annoyance. " I never knew you were a Pokemon fan Scully." he said through gritted teeth. " I'm not. My nephew, Mathew, is really into it though. You'll have to meet him next time they're in town." " I'll pass thanks." " Mulder, Since you don't seem to be holding up so well, why don't you go back to your apartment. I've had Frohike watching your building and he says that Diana has already been there." " Ok then. Thanks Scully." She hung up and Mulder briefly wondered why they never ended their conversations with a normal 'goodbye'. He guessed that whenever they usually ended a conversation on their cellphones it could be the last time they would ever get to speak to each other. So a simple 'goodbye' for them could mean goodbye for good. Ultimately, he didn't favour that last thought. Mulder stepped into the blinding sunshine of the parking lot and proceeded to try and find his car in amonst the couple of thousand other cars. * I should have remembered where I parked like Scully does* he thought. After half an hour of searching he came accross his car and set his soda down on the roof whilst he jiggled around in his pockets trying to find his keys. He dropped a parking ticket in the process. After a hot stuffy drive back to Alexandria, Mulder sauntered down the hall of his apartment building slurping his complementary drink. Suddenly he felt a blinding pain in his head and heart and fell down, unconcious, in the middle of the corridor. The contents of his pockets and the unfinished soda spilling all over the floor. XxX "Hi ho, hi ho, we were abducted, oh yeah, oh yeah, hi ho, hi ho." voices rang out from Mulders apartment complex. "Hi ho, hi ho, we were abducted, oh yeah, oh yeah, hi ho." The seven girls, all about eight years old in age marched along the corridor in a line each holding a book bag. They all had exactly the same features. Shiny, long black hair, hazel eyes and they all wore jeans and red t-shirts. They wore badges with their names on. The names went from 'Samantha 01' up to 'Samantha 07'. The Samanthas noticed the man lying in the middle of the hallway. He looked dead and all the blood had drained from his face leaving a bluish grey tinge to the flesh. Samanthan 05 was trained in CPR and bent down to try and ressussitate him. However, she felt a slow, yet steady pulse beating inside the mans body. After finding an apartment key lying on the floor next to the man, they dragged him in through the apartment door that fitted they key. Samantha 06, the believer, mused at the apartment number. 42. The answer to everything in the universe. Interesting. The Samanthas laid the man down on a rather scuffy leather couch after they couldn't find a bed. Samantha 03 was intently studying a copy of 'Playgirl'. XxX Scully sat on her couch, studying her phone. "Ring!" she comanded and pointed at the phone. No luck. " Ring!" she tried again. The phone rang. Mildly surprised she picked up the reciever. " Scully." " Agent Scully?" " Yes." " This is Agent Pendrell." Scully hung up. Sighing she grabbed her car keys and headed to Mulders apartment. XxX As Scully walked down the hallway to number 42 she slipped on a puddle and fell onto her ass. Cursing under her breath she picked herself up. It was only when she had drawn herself up to her full 5ft2 that she noticed one of her lipsticks lying in the middle of the corridor. *In danger or not* she fumed, * Mulder's gonna get it for taking my coral pink!* She marched angrily up to number 42 and banged on the door with her fist. " Mulder!" she yelled. " I may love you and you may love me, but whoever said you could take my best lipstick?" she banged on the door once more for effect and then let herself in with her key. What she saw took her breath away... well.. almost.. it wasn't the first time she had seen him like this. She went up to Mulder and proceeded to give him CPR. It didn't work. She put her hand to his pulse though and she could feel the steady ryhmic beat. Desperate. She put her head on his chest and started to cry. She cried for him, for the life that she was now going to have to share alone if her never woke up. She cried for the children they would never have. And she cried because she remebered that she had left a lagsagne in the oven and it was going to be burnt to a crisp when she got home. " Mulder help me.." she whispered and grasped his face between her hands. " Please Mulder." she moved to his mouth and kissed him gently on the lips. All her feelings for him tumbing out through the kiss. He stirred under her. " You... help.. me.." he croaked. Scully smiled and pulled his head up to hers kissing him on the forhead. " I love you Mulder." XxX END??? .. not quite. Questions from the audience! What became of Mulder and Scully? Mulder and Scully got married. Had lots of sex and now live in a large house with two children called Samantha and Melissa. They have a dog called Queequeg Jr and a parrot called Krycek. They still work on the X-Files, but now, the whole family joins in- including the pets! What happened to Diana Fowly? To this day, Diana Fowly hangs around on street corners helping seventy year old men...and cancerman get laid. And Skinner? Skinner is still AD and will proabably be stuck in his office under a mound of paperwork if you go vivit him to this day. END- honest! Please give me feedback. - stabuck_scully_69@yahoo.co.uk - I don't know if this was a bad idea. PLEASE..... * pathetic smile* I'm reclusive and resort to writing fanfics. check out my website for all my other fanfics: http://www.dreamwater.com/starbuck, Please sign my G-book there if you vivit. Thanks!! Byeee!!!