From: "Rhyme Phile" Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 14:01:00 -0400 Subject: "Mulder Meets a Maggot" by RhymePhile Source: direct Title: Mulder Meets A Maggot! Author: RhymePhile E-mail: RhymePhile@hotmail.com Distribution: Please post this anywhere, I don't care. (Hey, I'm a poet, and I didn't even know it!) Rating: PG-13 Category: V, H Keywords: Parody Summary: A humorous take on Dr. Seuss's "Horton Hears a WHO!" using Mulder as protagonist. Disclaimer: Fox and Dana belong to CC, 1013, and Fox Productions. Dr. Seuss owns the rights to "Horton Hears A WHO!" and no copyright infringement is intended. It's just a happy little homage, okay? It's his birthday, March 2. Author's Note: In response to a recent posting on ATXC that challenged an author to come up with a "Dr. Seuss meets The X-Files" type of rhyme, I have humbly complied. Here is a rendition of "Horton Hears A WHO!" X-Files/RhymePhile style! Originally posted to the newsgroup alt.tv.x-files.creative on March 3, 1998, and in its unedited version complete with awkwardly rhymed couplets! Intro: (Jeez, this is long...) OK, we all know Horton was this elephant who hears this little WHO talking to him from a speck of dust that was sitting on a flower. Horton tries to get his friends to believe him about this little WHO village on this flower, but of course, no one believes. Finally, when his friends threaten to boil the flower in Beezle-nut oil, Horton tells the WHOs to make such a loud racket that his friends will hear the WHOs carrying on and believe. So that's exactly what they do, and everyone lives happily ever after...whew! Hope that helps...Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss! "Mulder Meets A Maggot!" by RhymePhile It was a quiet day in the land of D.C A day in the park for both you and me. But near the park stood a newsman, jotting... About a dead body found, close-by, rotting. Agent Fox Mulder happened to be there He was out jogging breathing fresh air. But an odd smell made him pick up his nose, To a dead man's body with no hands and no toes! "Ewwww..." said Mulder, as he stopped and looked close "That guy's body is totally gross!" "Yeah," said a cop "I don't want to be mean, But get out of here, man, this *is* a closed scene." "Oh, don't worry," said Mulder without care "I work in the F.B.I. building, see it? Right there." "Well, all right," said the cop "I guess you can stay, But this guy's real nasty, so don't touch nothin', okay?" "You got it!" said Mulder, "Total hands-off!" "What do you think?" asked Mulder, "Point-blank sawed-off?" "Naw..." said the cop "The best we could guess, It was something much simpler: he died of.....death." "A jogger just found him, he was starting to reek... It turns out the body's been here for five weeks. A heart attack maybe, probably drunk. See all those maggots? He smells like a skunk!" Mulder looked at the maggots then heard a small sound "I know I heard something," said Mulder, turning around. "You heard something," said a voice, "Hey, you big ox!" "I'm down here by the body! Look over here, Fox!" "MULDER," said Mulder, as he bent on one knee, "Where are you?" he asked. "Are you a flea?" "No," said the voice, "Would you look over here?!! God, for an Oxford graduate, you're smart as a deer!" "Over here, dammit! The maggot by the thumb!!! C'mon, look closer, what are you,dumb?" "Y'know," said Mulder, "For a critter so easily squished, You should really relax, you're in no place to bitch." "Okay," said the maggot, "I'm as sorry as can be, Now that I've got your attention, would you listen to me?" "I'm talking to a maggot!" Mulder amazed, Then he really bent down, for a more intense gaze. "I've got information," said the maggot "That could very well help you." "Oh yeah?" asked Mulder "What do I have to do?" "Just protect me," the tiny maggot then said, "And take me to meet your partner, Scully, the red-head." "Do that," said the maggot, "And I'll tell you secrets aplenty, You'll be seeing things clearly, like eyesight, 20/20." "Like the Truth about the Conspiracy?"said Mulder, "Mysteries unknown? Scully's disappearance, my sister, and clones?" "Yes," said the maggot, "Strange things of the past, But a maggot's life is short, so could you please shake your ass?" "The Truth!" said Mulder, jumping with glee, "This is so cool, just wait 'til I show Scully!" Back in the basement, Mulder made a loud sound "Scully! Where are you? Hey! Are you around?" "What's up, Mulder? Are you feeling okay?" "I know," said Scully, "You didn't take your Prozac today!" "Ha-ha," said Mulder, "Scully, come look at this!" She walked over slowly and he opened his fist. "Good Lord, it's a maggot," said Scully without missing a beat. "Um...Mulder," she whispered, "Do you know what these things *eat*?" "But this maggot will tell me things: the Truth, Sam, abductees!" "Scully," said Mulder seriously, "This maggot talked to me." "Bwah-ha-ha-ha!" laughed Scully, "Oh, Mulder, that's bad! If that's your only good joke, I'll tell you, it's sad!" "But Scully, it's true," he said, "I just have to protect it. Maybe he'll say something, if I prod him a bit. C'mon there, maggot, say something, don't be lazy! Say something! Anything! Scully, I am *not* crazy!" "Your partner's real hot, Mulder. You guys are down here alone? You've worked together five years, and you haven't jumped her bones?!!" "Jump her bones?" asked Mulder, "Well, I have given it thought, But if we did it down here, we'd probably get caught." "What?!!!" Scully said, and she blushed a beet red, "Did you just say what I thought you just said?" "Yeah, I did," Mulder said, "But what about it? Besides, I wasn't talking to you, but to the maggot." "Mulder," Scully said, annoyed, "Maggots can't speak! Now could you please get rid of it? It's lost its mystique." "She's a spitfire!!" said the maggot, "But still kind of whiney, Though I have to admit, she has a nice heiney." "Yeah, I guess so," said Mulder, "She has a nice butt, But by the way she's looking at me, she thinks I've gone nuts." "Mulder, you're pissing me off... shut up about my butt! What's with you? Are you drunk, stoned, or what?" "No, no, Scully, I'm sorry," he said, "Okay?" "Maggot," growled Mulder, "Say something she can hear, and don't take all day!" "But if I told her the Truth," said the maggot, "My theories she'd refute... And I'd much rather tell your partner she's cute." "No! Don't tell her she's cute! She'll just start to fume! Oh, wait! Scully! Please don't leave the room!" "Mulder," Scully said, "I'll be back later, you're kind of stressed... Maybe I'll bring the staff psychologist, you're really a mess." "Now see what you've done, maggot?" said Mulder when Scully had gone, "She thinks I'm drunk or have been smoking a bong!" "Mulder," the maggot said, "Don't you want to know the Truth? The Conspiracy...your sister... The irrefutable proof?" "Well of course I do, but not if it costs me Scully," he complained, "I need her around, only *she* keeps me sane! I need the Truth, maggot, but I'll find it myself!" So Mulder placed that maggot in a jar on his shelf. Thus, Mulder Met A Maggot, one fine sunny day, But Scully didn't much like what that maggot had to say. So Mulder gave up the Truth and tried to forget. And now, I think, friends, the challenge has been met!!!! Adieu from "Dr. Xeuss" RhymePhile Comments appreciated, hot or cold.