From: "Jackie Pierce" Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2001 05:55:30 -0700 Subject: story submission Source: direct Title: Mulderistic Ramblings Author: Jackie Pierce E-mail: muldermad@37.com Classification: Mulder/Scully friendship Keyword: angst Spoilers: Seasons 1-7 Archive: Anywhere, just let me know. Disclaimer: Aren't mine, never have been, never will be. Summary: Mulder writes a good bye letter to Scully after voluntarily shutting down the X-files Author's Note: This was written before season 7 was completed so certain obvious facts were not included. Plus, these facts had no place in this story. If you like Diana-bashing, I think I did a fair job. I wrote what I really wanted Mulder to say about her. Who cares how accurate it is?!! Dana Scully, I am so tired. I can't do this anymore. I know you think I know what I am looking for in all this, and at one time I would have said emphatically that I did. But right now, I just don't. I do know now that Samantha is dead. True, there is no proof, no body, just a...a, I don't know, a dream, an hallucination. When I saw Samantha, as she was when she left me. She came up to me and hugged me to let me know she was ok. Why continue the search? What am I searching for? Proof of what, the accuracy or the inaccuracy of my vision. Which am I looking for? Why get shot at, beat up, and experimented on? I am not sure why I have continued so long after I found out the truth about Sam. I think I have come up with a big theory. I think it is a pathetic attempt to keep you in my life. I thought that once there are no more X-files. You will leave me and I will never see you again. Is this not the most pathetic co-dependent relationship you have ever seen? I am not really sure I mean that. We have hurt each other so much over the years. I have made you so angry at me at times you could have shot me. You are an infuriating woman in your own right. Yet we love and depend on each other so much. Yes, I did say I love you. I know you love me. I don't mean in a physical or sexual way. Though I am game to exploring that avenue. (You know you would have been disappointed if I had not thrown a sexual remark in there somewhere.) I just mean we have been as close as two people came be and not have a physical relationship. I have never experienced this type of relationship with anyone before. I am not sure what to make of our relationship myself, except I ! wouldn't change it for the world. I told you that you make me a complete person. I meant that you have shown me parts of myself and views of life I would not have been open to, had I not met you. I hope I have had the same positive effect on you. I realize you will never believe in the supernatural. That is not what I am asking. I am just hoping that you will keep you mind open to 'possibilities". Just realize that there is more out there than what our senses can perceive or our minds can fathom. Remember that appearances are deceiving and what you know to be true isn't always. And when you think you have looked everywhere for the answers, you have most likely missed a spot. (pretty profound for ole 'spook', huh) I am just writing this to let you know how I feel. I needed to find a way to tell you all of this since the X-Files are really closing and we are really going our separate ways. I hope you find everything you need and want in your life. I realize you have put your life on hold for 7 years, that I blame myself for. There are times I wish that you had never been assigned to the x-files. Then I think, would we have meet otherwise? Would we know each other now if we had seen each other in a grocery store somewhere? I know. I know. I have blamed myself for a lot over the years. I know I have no control over you. You could have left anytime you wanted. I guess part of the reason I blame myself is I never knew the real reason why you stayed. Yeah, I have theories about it. But I never really asked you. I may have been afraid of the answer. I was afraid that you stayed out of pity for me. I have blamed myself for your cancer and sterility. I know I didn't cause them b! ut I felt like I personally let you down, when you were abducted I was not there. True, you may still have been abducted, but I would have been with you. I wouldn't have been off doing my own selfish thing. I know you see me as the most conceited, self-centered, egotistical person in the world. You're right. I was never a good partner to you. I never told you everything about the investigations we went on. I kept vital details about your health and your abduction from you. I knew this sounds like I am wallowing in self-pity. Really I am not, I think I was desperately afraid you would leave. You would see this crazy situation for what it was and come to your senses. I know you have risked a lot being my partner: the damage to your reputation, the lost of friends, and the health problems you have had. I had no right to ask you to stay with me. I felt before you can along, that I was a joke to everyone. I was in the basement spouting theories, and after a while no ! one listened. When you can along you listened. When you listened, they listened. I had someone who would give credence to my work. The work they were so sure would not last a year after you joined me. I realize that is not a ringing endorsement after seven years of working together. But is was a beginning, a beginning of a deep friendship and a beginning of looking at life from a different angle. Also, just to clearly, when you thought I was not listening to you and I was disregarding what you said, I wasn't. I thought the banter kept things interesting. And in fact I played devil's advocate many times just so you would argue with me. If we could have explained everything scientifically there would have been no reason for us to be exiled to the basement to be ridiculed and shunned by our fellow agents. (every agents dream) There would have been no reason for us to be working together. I realize that you would have been working on a medical staff in a major hospital somewhere or in private practice. I think I would have still been in the basement. I would probably been working with Diana Fowley, parish the thought. Me, spouting my theories; and her, lapping up every word like a kitten drinking milk. I really have enjoyed our friendship, I appreciate the challenges. I could have told Diana that AD Skinner was an alien and she would have believed it. But you wou! ld have said "OK, where's your proof." There is such a thin line between obsession and insanity and as you know I have been teetering on the brink more than once. And, more than once, you pulled me back, for that I will be forever grateful. I will discuss that dreaded subject now. I would rather address it in a letter than in person. I realize you thought Diana was working against me. I know you felt very strongly about that. The truth is Dana I never trusted her. She was too deep into it. She was too close to CSM. She drew her weapon on me when we finally found Gibson Praise in that warehouse. I knew she no longer loved me, intellectually. A small part of me believed that she would never betray me. I always wanted to think that she had some small but vital piece of information that she could safety keep. But if she had told me, it would have put my life in jeopardy. So, in my deluded version of the fairy tale, she was protecting me. Then when she found me, took me home, and drugged me; I was so angry at her, for betraying me. I was angry at you, for being right about her. You misunderstood the final gesture she made before she died. She didn't give you that card key to save my life because she ca! red about me. She stopped caring about me years ago. She wanted me only in the physical sense and for what information I could give her. She just had a sudden fatal attack of conscious. For what very reason she thought this one right could undo all the wrongs she had committed against me. It killed me when you can to my apartment crying, saying that you were wrong about her. That she really had been my friend, that you had misjudged her and that you were sorry. I couldn't tell you than just how right you had been. There is something I never told you. When I was still in the hospital before you found me in that place. She came to me, she told me that her loyalties were divided. Those things can out of her mouth. At that moment in time I did read her mind, she had loyalties only to the Syndicate. I was so hurt, how could I tell you the truth. I had spent so much time defending her to you. Absolutely refusing to see any evidence that she had been disloyal. I had ! allowed the fairy tale to take over, clouding my sense and my judgment, and it nearly killed me on more than one occasion. I realize that you have been my only true friend through all of this. And look what it cost you. I am tired of feeling like I have no control. I am tired of chasing leads only to smack into a brick wall at the end of the chase. I am tired of being lied to. I am tired of feeling like our work is a joke. I am tired of the intentional lies, the deception, and the sabotage. I hate all of the times our work has turned us against one another and caused us to doubt and hurt each other. I hate that people in the FBI look at you differently. I fear you will forever be referred to as Ms. Spooky. Our association has already cost you the respect of many of our colleagues. You reputation has been called into question far to many times. I think I have finally said all that I need to say. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do. I hope you find a man to love you the way you deserve. I hope he is prepared for the challenge. I want you to know I value the time we spent together and I value our friendship. But, most of all, I value you. I admire your courage. Having cancer is scary enough, but having inoperable cancer, than saying yes to a treatment that you have no idea would work. I admire your faith, your faith in religion and in me. I have and always will love you. Your Partner and Friend Fox William Mulder