From lauracap@erols.com Fri Mar 28 15:26:22 1997 Subject: NEW: MULTIPLE CHOICE (1/1) by Laura Capozzola From: laura capozzola -------- Disclaimer: Some dialogue and characters are owned by FOX but 1013 probably retains a piece of the action. I only tease people I like...that includes Chris Carter. I'm just borrowing these characters (and Chris) and expect to return them unscathed. No monetary gain is planned and alas, no offers are expected. Dedication: This story is dedicated to Deborah Wells, a really good writer and a nag. If it wasn't for her relentless pestering, I might not have cranked this one out. She's tough...but she's damn good at it. TITLE: Multiple Choice AUTHOR: Laura Capozzola E-MAIL: lauracap@erols.com DISTRIBUTION: Freely CLASSIFICATION: S/H RATING: R SPOILERS: Season 4 Summary: Mulder gets the opportunity he's been waiting for and Scully goes along for the ride. WARNING: This piece is intended to be humorous. It lampoons characters and situations you may hold sacred. MSR has a role in this story, but certainly not in the traditional sense. MULTIPLE CHOICE (1/1) by Laura Capozzola SOMEWHERE IN NORTHERN MAINE 10:04 PM EST Mulder gazed lovingly at the woman beside him and knew deep in his heart that the time had come to express his feelings. Dana Scully shared the best and worst moments of his adult life and he wanted to feel her, to touch her, to hold her, to love her, to wake up beside her. He placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it lightly. Scully dropped her flashlight and let the road map drift to the car floor. Resigned at their predicament, she sighed. They were hopelessly lost on a heavily wooded road with no houses or other cars in sight. For some reason their situation amused her and she smiled sheepishly. She glanced over at her partner whose face she could see clearly in the moonlight. Surprisingly, she found him staring at her with a gleam in his eyes that she did not recognize. "We're lost." Mulder shrugged his shoulders and with the back of his hand, slowly began to caress her cheek. Taken aback, she locked eyes with him momentarily then lowered her face into the hand that was touching her. Scully wanted him. She had always wanted him. Who could have predicted after so many years of platonic friendship, it would happen in this place at this time. He unbuckled his seat belt, leaned over and kissed her eyelids tenderly. Scully was aware that her breath had started to quicken when she felt the heat of his face near her own warming skin. Her hand reached down to her side and she grabbed clumsily for the seatbelt buckle she was now so desperate to unfasten. Before she knew it he was all over her, peppering her neck, her ears and her eyes with urgent kisses. And she let him, anxious for the moment when their lips would finally lock in a passion that would know no limits. She closed her eyes and with her fingertips traced a pattern on his face. A face that she had memorized. A face that night after night made her moan in her sleep. Mulder gently pushed aside her hair, cupped her chin and tilted her head for the explosive meeting of their lips. It didn't happen. At that very moment, a brilliant white light illuminated their car. It was replaced by a single beam of colored light from above. A UFO hovered over their vehicle as the two agents looked up helplessly. Then they blacked out... ALIEN SPACECRAFT 10:13 PM EST "Can you hear me?" A small grey alien lightly slapped Mulder on both cheeks. Mulder opened his eyes and looked into the face peering down at him before taking stock of his situation. Curiously, fear did not overwhelm him. He seemed to be in a hospital bed. He noticed that he was still in his suit and tie but his shoes had been removed. Dana Scully, also clothed in her FBI attire, lay in the bed next to him. Beeping machines with flashing lights surrounded the beds but neither he nor Scully were hooked up to any of them. Relieved, but somewhat mystified to find himself unbound, in no pain and apparently not woozy from any type of drug, he called out to his partner. "Scully are you okay?" "I'm okay, Mulder." At the sound of the FBI agent's name, the alien shrieked loudly and others that Mulder had not noticed before came scurrying over to his bedside. They whispered and pointed at him but Mulder could not comprehend a single word. Fear crept into his thoughts and he could feel his palms start to sweat. After a few minutes, the first alien shooed the others away, turned his attention to the man in the bed and began to speak. "I'm sorry Agent Mulder. When we picked you up we didn't recognize you. Your hair looks a lot different from the many photos of you that we have in our computer banks. You're somewhat of a celebrity around here. Do you know where you are?" Mulder ignored the question. The answer was pretty obvious. After all, he had been waiting his whole life for this experience. "I expected that you would speak to me telepathically." "Oh, Agent Mulder," the alien giggled, "We stopped doing that months ago once the novelty of seeing you earth people wet your pants wore off. Frankly, I think the fear skewered our test results and when our supply budget got cut, well, human underpants was one of the first items we scaled back on. By the way, you can call me Ralph." "Ralph?" This is absurd, Mulder thought. "I took the name from one of your old American TV shows. Sometimes when we abduct people late at night, a few of us stay behind to raid the fridge and watch your TV. There's this big guy on one of the shows that says, ‘To the moon, Alice.' Well, been there, done that, but the guy is really funny." "You leave some aliens in the houses of the people you take?" Mulder shuddered at the thought. "Yeah, but only until the earth person is brought back. I remember one guy. No cable and he just had Diet Coke and yogurt in his refrigerator. Big mistake on his part. We drilled his teeth, put the implant in his penis and left him with a post-hypnotic suggestion to stock up on beer, ice cream and pretzels for the next time we come to get him." Mulder considered the sparse contents of his refrigerator and protectively placed his hand below his belt. "You know what really cracks me up are these people who wake up from their abduction experience, not realizing they spent some time with us and blame their VCR for failing to tape a show. Ha! We always screw with people's VCR's especially if they had it set for that Sunday night alien/conspiracy show whose name escapes me now." "What's going to happen to us?" "Jeez Mulder. I didn't expect such a basic question from you. Are you sure you're not a clone? " Mulder paled and his eyes widened. "Only kidding. You know we're going to do the tests. Now if you and Agent Scully would please get up and put your shoes on. Then, I'd like you to follow me." Mulder gave Scully a reassuring glance but Scully didn't seem to be as enamored of their situation as he was. In fact, Mulder thought she looked damned pissed. He wondered, just fleetingly, if he could be the target of her anger. The FBI agents were led down a long winding corridor in the spacecraft. About halfway to their destination some aliens passed them headed in the opposite direction. "Hey, Ralphie boy! How's it hangin'?" "Same old, same old. Hey, when I'm done with them, Ralph jerked his long boney finger in Mulder and Scully's direction, wanna go out and screw with some VCR's?" "Nah. We're doing crop circles tonight? Some other time." Just then the aliens took notice of Ralph's company. "WOW! Is that Mulder?" "Yeah. Can you believe it? We picked him up tonight, by accident no less. And look who he's with...Agent Scully. Guess what they were about to finally do?" Mortified, Scully put her head down, quickly. "Really, Ralph. I WANT TO BELIEVE," the aliens giggled at their little jab, "but we're talking Mulder and Scully, here. Are you pulling our leg again?" "No, I swear. The big moment was going to happen. Whoever had this date in the pool is really going to clean up? Hey, check it out for me, would you? Maybe it's me." "I hate to break it to you buddy but if they didn't actually do it, there's no payoff. If you ask me Ralph, someone is really going to be pissed off with you for your little coitus interruptus snatch. You couldn't have waited three minutes?" Ralph laughed, slapped his friends on the back and continued down the corridor with Mulder and Scully trailing behind. "Mulder, this is nothing like what I expected." Scully whispered in Mulder's ear. "I'm so -" "Scully, shut up for a minute." Mulder brushed the humiliated Scully aside and walked quickly to catch up to Ralph who had quickened his pace. "Why did those other aliens speak in English instead of your native tongue?" Ralph stopped abruptly and turned to face the lanky FBI agent. "Because, Mulder, it would have been rude to speak our language in front of you and Scully. Our mothers didn't raise us that way. Did yours?" Mulder was speechless. The experience of a lifetime and now he was being chastised for his manners by a grey alien named Ralph. Sensing Mulder's discomfort, Ralph changed the subject to put his famous guest at ease. "You know, Mulder, we've followed your work. We believe in what you're doing because the truth, the truth is important." "You think what I'm doing is important?" "Nah. Only kidding." The alien tweaked Mulder's cheek and laughed out loud. "Jeez Mulder. You're so gullible. That's why we like you." They reached a door and Ralph pressed a button to open it. Expecting the worst, the two agents gasped audibly when Ralph hit the switch and they saw what the room contained. Seven rows of desks in various sizes met their eyes. At the front of the brightly lit room there appeared to be a some type of blackboard and table. Framed photos of aliens in dignified poses lined the walls. It certainly was no operating room. Mulder turned to look at Scully but she had moved to the back of the room and was staring at one of the pictures. "Hey Mulder. Look at this." At the end of the row of alien photos were three human faces Mulder recognized. The first was a flattering shot of the man who smoked Morleys. Mulder thought the bastard never looked better. He blanched when he saw the second photo. "Mulder. Oh my God. That's you...isn't it?" Scully squinted at the image on the wall and made a face. "You look like crap." "It's my driver's license photo from 4 years ago. They framed my goddamn driver's license photo." Scully was about to laugh when she noticed the last picture. "Mulder, look at this. It's your mother." Mulder sucked in a deep swig of air and studied the photo. His mother was posed elegantly in a shot that appeared to have been taken recently. The drapery in the background matched the drapery in the first photo. He could feel his cheeks burning as he turned around and yelled to Ralph who was standing in the front of the room. "What's my mother's picture doing here?" "Mulder, there are some things you have to figure out for yourself. And no offense or anything but when it comes to your family, well...for all your education and investigative training, you're not so swift. Now if you and Agent Scully would take a seat, I'll be back in a minute." Mulder looked at Scully. His dismay at finding his mother's photo hanging on the wall in an alien spacecraft was tempered by the anticipation of the events to come. He headed for a large desk in the front of the room but Scully elbowed her way past him and almost knocked him down to get to the desk first. She plopped herself in the seat and smiled at Mulder triumphantly. "What the hell are you doing Scully?" Mulder stared at his partner in disbelief. "I fancied this one Mulder so I TOOK IT. Do you have a problem with that?" "No. No, I, I don't. I just thought -" "You thought what?" Scully challenged him to respond but Mulder had no intention of taking the bait. "Nothing. Nothing at all. This one is just fine." Mulder took the desk next to his partner. It was a bit of a squeeze for his big frame but he wasn't about to make an issue out of it. He was quite sure he would lose. Ralph came back with another alien and handed each of them a Question & Answer booklet, a lead pencil and what appeared to be a Scantron sheet. "Ralph, I don't understand. What is this?" "Mulder, I told you we were taking you to do the tests. Did you think...Oh my God," the alien's eyes widened as he realized what Mulder was thinking. "You thought we were going to -" Both Ralph and the other guy doubled up and began to laugh. Scully looked at Mulder and rolled her eyes. Ralph managed to compose himself and once again addressed the two agents. "Mulder, we're not the sperm-sucking, egg-stealing aliens. We don't morph or travel in oil. We're just your garden variety alien. You know, Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Roswell? Little Green Men? We're only grey now because our scientists tell us our complexions look younger when we stick with earth tones or grey skin. Market research studies say the babes go for the grey." Ralph winked at Scully and went on. "There aren't going to be any operations. No pain. No teeth drilling. Just a simple little 250 question multiple choice test. Oh, excuse me, where are my manners? This is Carter. If you have any questions ask him. He's the creator of the test. It's probably the best test ever created. It is so good that advanced life forms all over the universe talk about it. It won a lot of awards and he's been on the cover of a ton of magazines. Our bosses pressured him to do another one, one that was a little bit more intense. It hasn't gone over as well. So, he's back with us for awhile and dabbles with the other. When his contract is up he wants more money to do an expanded test. He'll get it. I'm telling you, he's a creative genius. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll let Carter take over from here. Besides, I gotta go see what you left for me in your fridge, Mulder." Mulder's face turned white and once again his hand dropped protectively below his waist as he thought about the clamato juice and tofu in his refrigerator. But, Ralph gave him a big wink as he walked out. Mulder, incorporating all of his job skills, deduced that Ralph was just teasing again. Unlike Ralph, Carter was a no-nonsense guy. "Before you get started with the test, please take some time to fill out the personal information in the top portion of your answer sheet." Mulder printed his name in the box that called for it, followed by his home address. "What do you want us to place on the line that calls for our title?" "I put ‘Doctor' on that line." Scully looked over at Mulder and gave him a smug little grin. "Well, I've got a degree too, Scully." "It's not the same." "I have my AB." "Big deal. No one even knows what that is. How many lives have you saved?" "About the same number as you and I seem to recall saving your butt a number of times." "My BUTT wouldn't be in trouble if it wasn't for you and your stupid X-Files. And, you killed my dog!" "I didn't kill your dog!" "MULDER! SCULLY! PLEASE!" Carter shook his head. "Just skip that question. We all know who you two are." "Well the next question asks how much money I make. Do you want me to put down $70,000 or my government grade and series?" "You make $70,000?" Scully was flabbergasted. "I only make $58,000." "That's why I call the shots." "Mulder, we are co-workers. You aren't my boss." "I have more experience." "In what, chasing after little green men?" "AGENT SCULLY!" "Oh, I'm sorry, Carter. For a minute there I forgot where I was. What's the next question...father's name/mother's name." Scully penciled in her response, quickly. Carter placed his boney hand over Mulder's writing hand and shook his head. "Er, Mulder you can skip that one, too. Accuracy IS important." Carter smiled and ruffled Mulder's hair, affectionately. "Carter, why do you want to know these things?" "Oh Mulder. You know how it is. You work for the government. It's just some demographic data for the ratings analysis. It's not just the quantity of abductees anymore although that's important when we're looking for someone to sponsor our trips to earth. Your age, your salary, your parental unit, etc., it all goes into a big database so we can profile our abductees and compare the profile to the results of their tests." Scully nodded. Mulder wasn't too sure. "What will you do with our test scores?" Carter smiled. "Mulder, we only tell you what you need to know." "I think I have a right to know." "You have no rights. We abducted you, remember?" "What if I refuse to take your damn tests." "Two words - penile implants." Mulder once again put his hand protectively in his lap and grimaced. "How much time do we get?" "Sixty minutes." "But there are 250 questions." "And you just wasted one of them." Mulder decided he liked Ralph better than Carter. He picked up his pencil and looked at the first question. WHAT IS NAPIER'S CONSTANT? Ooh. He knew this one. It was the combination that opened the door in the mine with all of the files. He smiled confidently and scanned his choices. A. 2.7828 B. 2.71828 C. 7.2812 D. None of the above Mulder colored in A. Then he erased it and colored in B. Then he erased it again and colored in D. It was the first question and he was already starting to perspire. He observed Carter's preoccupation with some papers on his desk so he seized the moment to glance over at Scully's paper. Much to his chagrin she was already up to Question Number 10. He leaned over a little too obviously and Scully moved her paper to the other side of her desk. Damn her, he thought. He craned his neck once again and whispered, "Scully, what's the answer to Number 1?" Scully looked again at Question Number One in her test booklet. IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER WERE IN A PRECARIOUS SITUATION AND YOUR PARTNER DITCHED YOU TO PURSUE A PERSONAL QUEST, YOU WOULD: A. Go straight to the boss and rat your partner out. B. Tell your partner later that this was not acceptable behavior. C. Tell your partner that they and their whole damn dysfunctional family could rot in hell. D. Blow kisses and wave even though your partner left you stranded and in danger. E. Fend for yourself and hope and pray that your partner would be alright. "Mulder, the correct answer is B." Scully whispered through clenched teeth. It was a habit she had picked up from her boss, Skinner. "I don't think you're right Scully." Mulder whispered back, "I think it's D." "You would." "You don't have to get nasty about it. Are you still mad at me about the desk?" Scully ignored him. "Come on Scully, what's the right answer?" "Carter, Mulder is cheating!." "Agent Mulder. Stop talking and keep your eyes on your own paper." "Bitch." Mulder muttered under his breath. "Jerk." Scully spit out quietly. Mulder looked at the next question. THE AVERAGE LOVEMAKING SESSION TAKES: A. Three Minutes B. Two people C. About 4 years to build up to D. A and B E. None of the above He held out his hand in front of him and counted on his fingers. The first year you just talk. The second year you exchange knowing glances. The third year you hug. The fourth year you kiss on the cheek or forehead. The fifth year you hold hands. The sixth year you...oh, this was too easy. Mulder eliminated C. He was about to color in D when he remembered what he had been doing alone in his apartment two nights ago and quickly switched to A. Mulder was proud of his analytic ability. Meanwhile Scully had just completed Question 147 and began to read Question 148. THE FIRST NAME OF THE PERSON WHO FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS HAS HELPED ME IN THE LAB IS: A. Kevin B. Alan C. Brian D. Jack E. Wendell Scully was stumped. What did she call Pendrell that time they spent that whole day at NASA Goddard with the comatose scientist and the Mars rock? Or how about the time she took a biopsy of his vaccination scar for that presentation she made to Skinner and the other FBI execs? Damn, she couldn't remember if she ever bothered to find out. She tried to picture his photo ID badge and the nameplate on his desk. How about the numerous reports he had prepared for her and Mulder? Those reports must have had his name on them. Nothing. She tried to think of the comforting words she said to him after he had been shot but his first name continued to elude her. "Carter, I have a question?" "Sure, what number are you on? "148. I think it's an unfair ques-" "You're on Number 148?" Mulder couldn't believe it. Scully ignored him. "I think it's an unfair question. I only knew the guy for two years. How am I supposed to know what his first name is?" Carter folded his arms across his chest and paused before responding. He really ate this stuff up. "Well Scully, what was the name you screamed out that time you had sex with him on the lab table after the office Christmas party?" Mulder's eyes widened. "Scully?" "Or how about that time you got drunk and met him in his hotel room after the seminar last year? Or that time you worked late and -" "Okay, okay." Scully could feel her cheeks burning. "Scully?" Mulder was in shock. "Oh Mulder, like you haven't had sex in two years." Scully shot him a look and Mulder was silenced. Mulder read the next question. ALEX KRYCEK A. was a good guy, then a bad guy, then a good guy, then a bad guy. B. shot my father, shot Scully's sister, killed the tram operator, killed Duane Barry, played a part in Scully's abduction, tried to kill me. C. is the only guy I can beat up. D. looks good in a leather jacket. E. likes me. F. All of the above. He knew with absolute certainty that C and D were both true. That would make F the correct answer. Mulder was aghast. He studied all of the choices again. Was the truth about Alex Krycek, the truth that he had suspected but could never confirm, was it actually being revealed to him in this test? He searched the alien's face for confirmation but Carter shot a blank expression right back at him. "That rat bastard," Mulder muttered. "I knew he did it. I knew he was the one. Every time I asked him, he denied it. He said it wasn't him over and over again." Mulder shook his head in disbelief. "Krycek. It was Alex Krycek all along. He sent me that Snoopy birthday card. He likes me. He really likes me. The truth is right here in the damn test." The lanky FBI agent slammed his fist down on the top of the desk. "Another lie bites the dust!" "Mulder would you shut up. I can't concentrate on these questions." Carter smiled and his eyes twinkled mischievously. Mulder and Scully had no idea that he was tampering with their relationship and had been for the past four years. That was the real test and it was his hobby, as well. He was never into cattle mutilations, crop circles and screwing with VCR's. No, MSR was his real passion. He'd get them together and then just at the magic moment when their friendship was about to cross the line into romance he'd jerk them apart. He chuckled. He couldn't help himself. After all, he was good at it. He was a friggin' creative genius. It provided so much entertainment for Ralph and the other guys around the galaxy. And the money was good, too, although it could be better. He was working on that. Of course, Carter worried that when he left to broaden his horizons these two would jump each others bones in a non-stop frenzy. It was inevitable. What could an alien do? He didn't own them. He just played with them. "Time's up. Give me your papers." Mulder hurried to finish item 10. Scully handed her completed test to Carter. "I didn't have time to check over my answers. How did you do Mulder?" Mulder made a face at her. "It's time for you to go back." "Is that it? Where's my sister? Why is there a photo of my mother on your wall? Why did you take us? I INSIST YOU TELL US!" "Maybe next time. I've got to go tinker with my Friday night test, now. See you soon...Oh, by the way, you won't remember a thing." A bright light flashed and Mulder and Scully lost consciousness. Carter hated long goodbyes. SOMEWHERE IN NORTHERN MAINE 10:04 PM EST Mulder placed his hand on Scully's shoulder and squeezed it lightly. Scully turned slowly to look at her partner whose face was illuminated in the moonlight. She dropped her flashlight and let the road map drift to the car floor as she grabbed clumsily to release the seatbelt. Ralph and the other aliens crowded around their big screen monitors. The bets had been upped. Anticipation hung in the air. "We're lost again, Mulder. Change seats with me, I'm driving." Carter smiled. As he made his way to the vending machine for a late night snack, he could hear the groans from Ralph and the other guys clear across the spacecraft. THE END #***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***# "The truth, the truth.....there is no truth. These men just make it up as they go along." - Alex Krycek (Tunguska) - #***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***#***#