From: QueenBossE@aol.com
Date: Sun, 11 Jun 2000 00:46:25 EDT
Subject: "Musing With Consequence"
Source: direct

Title: Musing With Consequence
Author: Erin Jacobson
Rating: PG
Classification: VA - Vignette/Angst
Spoilers: Requiem
Keywords: None
Summary: Scully's thoughts as she considers the allegorical poster prior to 
Mulder entering their office.

Disclaimer: The usual ownership policy; CC, 1013, Fox, etc.

Author's Notes: I've just been knocking around the ideas that I think Scully 
may have been thinking as she stood alone in the office and seemed to 
apparently be studying the poster we have all come to know and love. Perhaps, 
she has an instinctive awareness of "her condition" ... anyone thought of 
that?

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Musing With Consequence (1/1)
    
For every time that I contemplate the simple guideline of his faith, I find 
myself taken by its significance in my own terms of understanding and to the 
constant incredulity that formerly governed me. 

Looking upon this emblem now, the intuitive notions swell and pique within 
me, and I have never wanted something to be so true as to what these thoughts 
acquaint my heart to. My speculative cognition is overruled by these new 
feelings of faint truth. 

I trust them. For they are of him, whom I trust solely. That is why I want to 
believe.

I know as much as it may be the deep yearning in my heart, that the 
impossibility has somehow become the conceivable possibility. 

Ha! Only he could make the intangible truth real.... 

God, I love him...for *all* that he is.

I want to reveal to him these beautiful, but plaguing inklings. 

Yet, my certainty is frightening. 

Perhaps, I have become too drawn in by conceptions of veracity and fallacy. 

What if I am losing myself to this pretty notion? 

Oh, but I want to believe it so badly.... 

I can't do this to myself anymore! 

I need my sense. 

It *can't* be true. The beautiful lie...the reality that I will never know, 
for it was stolen from me. 

I shame myself for allowing idle desires to taint my intelligence. 
Excruciating as it is to my heart's knowledge, my mind knows that it will 
never be. Fantasies are so inviting...so comforting, yet fatal and 
unrealistic.

Why does it seem that we will never know the life that seems so easy to 
grasp? Are we meant to suffer and bleed our souls for each other and for the 
world? 

I want to let go and start anew...but I won't leave him. 

I can't. 

I won't. 

He *is* my life. 

I love him.

Where is he? I thought he'd be back soon. 

The auditor was only going to reassert the figures...bastard. 

Let us be. Is it not enough to taunt us with the personal debts we've 
suffered, but to inform us of the irrelevant ones that threaten to part us 
through their capitalistic value?

They find our work invaluable. 

To them, we are a nuisance. 

I was once like them. 

How wrong and naive the world is. 

And I once was.

The things we have seen...endured...and are now plagued to fathom.

I cannot deny them.

I've tried.

Never again will I deny myself knowledge. No matter how much it pains me to 
know.

It is hard to believe, but not impossible.

It is a tragedy of ignorance.

Will it ever end?

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