From: believe_the_lie@lycosmail.com Date: 18 Jan 1999 10:50:10 -0800 Subject: Musings of A Lovelorn Insomniac 1/1 by Brit*Vik Title : Musings of a lovelorn insomniac Author : Brit*Vik Date : Written in about November 1998 Category : Love, romance, obsession, the usual. Rating : U - suitable for all Spoilers : Vague references but nothing specific Archive : Yes, please, but keep everything attached, let me know, and don't let money change hands (unless I get some of it!) Dedication : To Lara and Anne-Marie, my sisters, my friends (with chunky imitation gold necklaces to prove it - joke!). The only 2 who really understand me and the obsession, because they're exactly the same. You two are my rock, especially through this mecha-bastard-hard time of hiatus. Disclaimer : I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just a little girl. Feedback : Yes, please (actually I'm desperate for some), but if you're going to flame me, please don't be too harsh. I'm a v. sensitive wee lass. Comments : Hi to my phile friends, especially Lorraine, Rima, Emma and Julia. Thanx to Ju for forwarding this and mentioning me at the beginning of "The Lion And The Unicorn", but it's ViKki, *not* ViCki. To all the brothers and sisters out there. Re : Convention, July 6th, 1997 : Conspiracy of Leeds - we want a rematch, any time, any place. Love, Eve2 (Starbuck). Irrelevant advice : If you're putting on nail varnish, topcoat - whilst adding gloss and shine - is a bastard to remove, so your nails will remain painted for about another three years. You have been warned. On with the story- "MUSINGS OF A LOVELORN INSOMNIAC" I lie in the darkness. I don't know how long I've been lying here or whether I've slept or not. It doesn't matter any more, anyway. There is only one thing, one person I can think of. She invades my thoughts night and day, every waking second. Every sleeping second, too, but these are rare now. I can't sleep for thinking of her. She fills my mind. I realise, in a philosophical mood, that right now, this instant, symbolises what my whole life has become. I lie in the darkness, thinking of her, while she is completely oblivious. I am aware I'm living a lie - this is testified to by the woman lying next to me. Possibly the worst mistake of my life and I have to live with a constant reminder. The marriage is something I have never stopped cursing myself for. We married when we were too young and drifted apart very quickly. When she was almost killed, I thought that I had rediscovered my love for her, but I realise now that it was just a sense of responsibility. I doubt I ever loved her. Not like Scully. I breathe her name in the darkness and it is my one comfort. Her eyes are like an ocean. She doesn't realise, but every time I see her I drown. Every time I see her, I fall in love again. I could spend an eternity just looking into her eyes, an infinity studying her face. Her beautiful, perfect face. I try, once again, to rationalise my feelings. The biggest complication that I can logically see is work. For two agents to become involved was a serious problem - especially agents who work together as closely as Scully and I. We need to be able to trust each other. As soon as I think of trust, I realise how long it took for this trust to come. When she was first assigned, she didn't trust me. She assumed that I was one of the Conspiracy, that I was her enemy. She was confused as to who was really on her side, but she could never have known how deep the emotions I felt for her were, that it was more than just professional respect. At first, I had thought that I was just attracted to her, which was a fair assumption because she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. But when it came to the crux, of whether I could pull the trigger, if I could go to sleep without thinking of her, if I could go on working with her - I knew that it was love. It was like nothing I've ever felt before, a revelation. She was, and still is, the only person who could ever touch my soul, and she doesn't know that it's her. It's always been her. Her innocence is something about her that it truly beautiful. There is very little she possesses that isn't. I! t's more than love, it's an obsession. We have held each other at gunpoint, and not known who would make the first move, if any. This is the way our life together was. It has always been dangerous, always on a knife-edge, always waiting for the other to make the first move. At least, that's the way it was for me. I tried to tell her that I love her but I don't think she'll ever really know. I tried to communicate this through my eyes, knowing that I couldn't break the tacit connection that we share, that I hope we share, but I had never been able to show my feelings effectively in this way. I have never worn my heart on my sleeve, and I don't think I ever will. I pray that she already knows. But it works the other way as well, I think wryly, returning to my musings about the trust (or lack of the above) that was between us. I had assumed that she was just there to piss me off, that she was one of *them*. The other side. It didn't take long for me to realise that all she wanted was the truth. This was probably the first time I really respected her, both professionally and as another human being. I don't mean that the way it sounded. Of course I respected her before. She is excellent at her job, whether she is acting as a field agent or as a doctor. But then I realised that she wouldn't just take orders from higher up in the chain of command - our enemies. She really wanted to fight for the truth, and would risk her life to do so. She had risked her life before. I think of the cancer, the horrible black death that was consuming her, and consuming my very soul at the same time, until she was just pulled back from the brink. I can only thank God for that. If my love had made her well, she would never even come down with a case of the flu ever again. I had risked my life too. I knew she thought it was just because of the truth, but every blow I had endured had been softened by her soothing blue ocean. I had been close to death and looked through the door onto the other side, but I had never seen anything like her eyes. It had all been worth it for one more look at her eyes, for the chance to keep on working with her. I wonder what time it is. A few weeks ago, I had been lying in a similar sort of mood, but that time I was angrier at how things had turned out. The little red glowing numbers had irritated me and I had pulled my clock out of the wall. The hours melt into each other. I have no sense of time anymore - I live in a grey twilight and the only thing that can permeate is her - but she doesn't know. If only I were able to express myself to her- I can't believe what I am saying. I am building my life on "if onlys". I had always tried to block my emotions and not let anyone see how I was feeling on the inside. No one had ever been able to break down the walls that I had built like battle defences around me, but I would melt in her arms. One flicker of her eyelid and I would reveal everything to her, but I know how much I would be risking in doing so. I couldn't do that to her. She has already suffered so much, needlessly, and I think how large a part of that suffering is because of me, her connection to me and the threat we imposed. They separated us. It is like a knife to my heart to not see her almost every day, but I know that I'm still going to think of her all the time, and no physical separation will come between us. In a way I am glad, because I know that she is under less threat and for that, I can only be thankful. I have seen truly horrible sights in my lifetime, both paranormal and corporeal. I don't want to expose her to these, but now she has also experienced them first hand. Because of me. I would die a thousand deaths before I saw her harmed, but all I can do is sit back and watch it happen. I would trade my life for hers, but I don't think that she realises this. I don't need to think, which is good because my mind turns to mush whenever I see her. It's not really a sexual thing (well, not much), but all I can imagine is her hand on my face, her breath on my neck and all I can see is us, together, forever. People are starting to notice. I get teased in the bathrooms at work, and even in the corridors. I have to be careful, because I could not risk others finding out, even though I want to shout from the rooftops that I am truly, madly, deeply in love with Dana Scully. The woman lying beside me begins to move, until finally she is fully awake, and I know that a new day has begun. "You haven't slept again, Walter. What's gotten into you?" she asks, with real concern. I pity her. "Nothing," I reply. FIN Well, what did you think? It's not the kind of thing I'd usually write, but I was just in the mood. Send feedback! "The reality of the absence is stronger than the forgotten presence."