From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2001 23:55:37 -0600
Subject: My Dark Life by Sherry C
Source: direct

Reply To: danalovesfox@hotmail.com


Title: My Dark Life
Author: Sherry C 
Keyword: MSR
Rating: PG-13 
Spoilers: Season 8 
Summary: Mulder's back from the alien abduction.
         But he's suffering from amnesia. 
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Chris Carter and 1013. 
E-mail: danalovesfox@hotmail.com

She says nobody wants to believe..
You're the same as everyone..
What makes me unique? My Dark life..
                 -Elvis Costello 'My Dark Life'-

Now, I'm in the hospital, where I and Mulder kissed
on the new year's day. 4 years have past since
then. I'm standing with my patient here whom
I presume as Mulder. I don't know if he's really
Mulder, but he looks so much like him. 
Mulder was abducted by aliens 4 years ago, 
but people told me that he's dead. If he isn't 
dead yet, he will be dead soon. I didn't 
believed them, I din't want to believe. 
So I quit the Bureau. I didn't want the 
new partner. I've become a psychiatrist. I like to
meet various kind of people and help them
solve their problems. Maybe, Mulder would love to 
see me doing this job. When I can't solve their 
problems so well, in dreams, he comes to me and 
tell me how to treat them right. In that way, 
I can solve people's problems. I love my job, as 
I can talk to him and he can help me. 
One day, I've got a very strange patient.
There was a knock on the door. Two guys
came in. I was nearly passed out to find
a guy look like Mulder. I lost my words.
"I don't know if you are familiar with the name Walter 
Skinner?"
A guy asked me. So Mulder-looking guy is a patient.
Very good. 
"Oh, yes."
"This guy was found by Skinner. He found him on the road.
He's got no disorders, but he doesn't speak at all. Skinner
recommended me to you. Maybe you can make him speak. He got
no ID, nothing. We can run DNA test if he speak somehow." 
He's Mulder for sure. From the looks that I've received, he's
Mulder for sure.
"Oh, and Skinner also told me to warn you that he might not
be Agent Mulder. You know him as well?"
Know him? 
"Oh sure.. well we worked together in the bureau."
"Oh, you were an FBI agent?"
Once.. I was. But here I am. I'm a psychologist.      
This guy is really annoying. I hope he leaves as soon as
possible. 
"Yeah.. once.."
So who's this guy?
"I'm John Doggett, with the FBI."
Leave quick.. quick. I don't like you at all. I just
want to be with Mulder alone.
"Well I'd better go back to my work. See you in 3 hours."
Now the guy is gone. I'm left alone with Mulder. Hey, he
may not be Mulder. Just a guy look like Mulder. I don't
know. I'm confused. 
His eyes have no focus. So how can I make him speak?
I can do the therapy thing or whatever when he speaks 
somehow. He didn't speak at all. I talked to him, very
friendly, asked him many questions but he didn't answered.
He didn't make any sound. His chart said that all of his
body function is well, but he doesn't speak. I don't
know what to do. I can't get out of this thinking - this guy
sitting right in front of me is Mulder. Maybe he's back from
the abduction. Maybe he's too surprised to be back at this
world and can't speak. I don't know. Shocked maybe.
What if it's not Mulder at all? I don't know. 
But he looks so much like Mulder. No he's Mulder. 
I stood up and went close to him. I brought
the chair really near to him, and I sat right next to him.
"Hey um.. I can do something for you if you tell me what your
problem is. In that way I can help you out."
His eyes still have no focus. It seems very hopeless. 3 hours
past so quickly, Agent Doggett came and picked him up.
Everyday, I thought of this special patient. Even when I was
seeing other patienst, I just couldn't get him out of my mind.
The 7th time he came, I tried to make him talk in other
way. Telling him some stories and maybe he'll speak about it
if he knows something about it. Presume he's Mulder, I talked
to him about my experiences in the Bureau.
"Do you have a real true friend?"
He just ignored me. I just wanted to talk about this to someone
for so long a time, but I couldn't. It's a bit embrassing 
story. But now, this patient is in front of me, maybe
he would understand me and talk somehow. If he's Mulder, 
he would remember the things and talk to me. 
"I had, once. 12 years ago. I lost him 4 years ago. He was my 
partner in the FBI. He was a psychologist. What do you do?"
No sign. Well I kept on talking.
"When I first met him, he just took my breath away. Well, he
was sort of cute. But workaolic. He was obsessed with the 
UFO's and the aliens as his sister was abducted by them. 
I thought it was just a fantasy at first, but I was abducted
by them as well. I came to believe. It was too sad that his
sister died long time ago, but what we've done was worth the
time. When I came back from the abduction, he was so worried
about me. He thought it was all his fault, but I guess no
one could have stopped it. I was meant to. Anyhow, that's
when I felt my feeling for him is more than just 'oh cute
guy' or partnership. It felt like as if we were meant to be.
There were lots of romantic moments. Lots. We've nearly kissed,
but once, actually kissed. We danced together once, I 
loved it when he had arms around my waist. 
He was smiling at me, I smiled back. He slept on my lap 
at the night in the wood, I sang him a lullaby. So much
to tell you. He told me that he loved me and he asked me
to marry him I don't know if he was joking or not.
But I hope it was true. Well, I love him and I would
marry him. I still remember that spooky Christmas
day. We exchanged gifts. We pretended as if we were
a couple to investigate a case. That was really fun 
experience. Are you married?"
He shook. Oh gosh he shook. He didn't speak, but he
made a sign.
"We had a kiss but it's a real personal thing so I think
I shouldn't tell you,"
He chuckled. Yeah. He's giving me some signs. He still
doesn't talk, but he's giving me some signs. That means
he's opening his heart. 
"He taught me how to play baseball, His arms were 
around my waist, his hands close to my hands, his face
was close to my face ever been. There was a movie
made about us. Have you seen it?"
He nodded. Gosh, he had seen it.
"Did you liked it?"
He nodded and gave a little smile. But he never looked
into my eyes. 
"Well, I liked it too. That scene when Mulder kisses Scully.
When Mulder was watching that movie, his face turned red.
He's a shy guy I guess. Well, I hoped he would do the
same thing to me as the movie but it didn't turned out that
way. Maybe he didn't like me at all. He didn't feel the way
I do." 
He was still smiling. I guess he's enjoying my story.
"One day, we did this thing, well, can't tell you point by 
point but I guess you know what I'm talking about. 
I guess he loved me as well. We did this um.. wild thing
whatever you call it."
Still a smiling face. I guess he knew what I was talking
about. 
"He's gone now. He was abducted by the aliens. I guess
he's alive still, but nobody believes me. Most of people 
tell me to forget about him but I want to believe. Do
you think he's still alive?"
He paused for a moment. No look on his face. Then
slowly he looked in my eyes and nodded. 
"I owe him my life. He saved my life so many times."
There was a big pause. I wanted to ask him if he's 
Mulder. But what if not?
"Are you Fox Mulder?"
Oops.. I said it.
He looked surprised. Then Agent Doggett came in.
"Did I interrupt you?"
Yes, damn it. 
"Oh no. Not at all. We're finished."
You've ruined the whole thing Mr.Doggett. Totally!
"He still doesn't speak any words?"
"Yes but he's giving me some signs like nods, shakes, 
chuckles, smiles."
Now, what shall I do? I think I can't stand this anymore
nor he can. When I asked him if he was Mulder, his face.
He looked so amazed. Why? I don't know. Why? Is he 
really Mulder? Then why Skinner wouldn't tell me face
to face? Oh what is it? Forget about it. I'd better bring him
up to the hospital for better treatment. I'm of no help 
for sure. I'll move him to a hospital tomorrow.
"I guess I did everything I can do. Maybe it would be better
if you bring him up to the hospital for better treatment. Come
tomorrow here and I'll take him up to the hospital."
What a coincidence. We were in the same psychiatric where
Mulder and I kissed on New years day. There was a little
changes, but still the same. We stood on the exactly right
position as Mulder and I were. TV was still on the right
place. 
"You are going to be just fine. Nice seeing you."
A big pause. Maybe he liked me. But why not talking?
I could see the tears in his eyes.
"No worries. There are lots of capable doctors here. I'm not
that good. Oh, time's up."
A big pause again. I was facing TV. I still can remember
the shout of people on the screen. "Three.. two... one.. bomb!"
Then Mulder kissed me. I hope he's here and kiss me again.
Where are you Mulder. Where are you. 4 year is enough of
waiting. Aliens. Can't they get enough of him? Just let him go.
Suddenly, I heard a voice.
"Dana."
My patient just called my name. Wow. 
"So you can speak Mr.X"
I was amazed. Wow. He's speaking finally. I could feel that he 
was looking at my bottom lip. I felt a bit uncomfortable. 
"Are you Mulder? Fox?"
He was right in front of me. He's kissing me. The way 
Mulder kissed me on the New year's day. He's kissing me.
"Mulder?"
I'm sure it's Mulder. From the way he kisses. Nobody
kisses in his way. 
"Mulder?"
He was both weeping and smiling.
"Mulder.."
I gave him a big hug. Maybe I crushed his bones.
"Why didn't you tell me Mulder? Why? Did Skinner know it
from the start?"
"Dana.. I was afraid. Yeah. Walter knew it from the start.
I'm sorry."
Afraid of what? What Mulder? He was afraid if
I'll pass out? What? Why didn't Walter tell me? 
"I was afraid if I'll ruin everything that is happening
right now to you. I may confuse you. You thought I was
dead then I'm back. It would be very confusing and.."
I'm just so glad you're back Mulder. I'm really. You don't
confuse me. I'm just glad you're back. Really. You should
have come to me before Skinner.
"Don't cry Dana. I'm so sorry."
"Why don't you call me Scully?"
"Maybe you are married. I don't know what to call you."
"I am married but you can still call me Scully if you
want to."
**** 
(Mulder's POV)
Married? What? I believed that she would never get 
married. Except me. I thought she loved me, and love me
forever though whatever happens to me. Was it just
a fantasy? She's married? When? And to whom?
Skinner? No. That's impossible. Smoking man? Well Smokie's
dead. Is he still alive? Krycek? No. Dana hates him.
"Oh, I see."
Right now, I feel very stupid. Very stupid. I can't ask
those questions. Too painful to listen to all the answers
she says. 
"I'm sorry about the kiss. I didn't mean to harass you. 
Really."
"Oh no Mulder. That's fine."
She looked very confused. 
"Why don't you come over to my house, today? You
don't need a therapy I guess."
"What about your husband?"
I feel really jealous. I want to see the guy who has taken
Dana. I love Dana. I do.
"Oh, well, he's out abroad. He's a psychologist as well.
He's not home so often."
"He's taking care of patients abroad?"
"Yes."
"Maybe he's goofing around with girls."
Oops. I hope it didn't hurt her feeling. She made an annoyed
face. 
"He's not that kind of a guy. Oh.. you're jealous, aren't you?"
Yes I'm jealous Scully. I'm so jealous.
"No. I feel very sorry for him to marry such a skeptic,"
She pinched my hand. Ouch.
"Ok. Let's stop it. By the way, the thing that you told
me in your office, is it true? Everything?"
She looked very embarassed.
"Let bygones be bygones."
I know they are all true Dana. After all, you loved me
for a long time. But this guy forced you to marry him,
didn't he? 
I was so surprised. She's living in my apartment.
"Don't be upset Mulder. Mom is keeping my house, 
and I thought it would be good if I stay in your
apartment in case you come back. It would be neat.
And now you're back."
That's sweet, if it was only SHE who's staying here.
My bed was still in the same place. Everything was 
just the same except a few Scully's stuff. On that bed,
something must have been going on with Scully and her
husband whatever his name is. I was even more 
surprised to see a girl who's sleeping on the couch. 
"Sam, wake up. We've got a very special guest here.
Sam, wake up. Very special guest. Remember Fox Mulder
I always told you?"
Sam? Samantha? 
"Mommy!"
She hugged Sam. She was a mother of a child. Gosh.
So she named her daughter after my dead sister.
"Say hello to Mulder, sweety."
"Hello."
She was such a beautiful girl. She looked like Scully.
She had blue eyes just like Scully and she had dark
hair just like my sister. 
"Fox, can you babysit her for awhile? I'll fix a dinner
for 3 of us."
"Good. Very nice."
Sam was such a lovely girl. We played with dolls. 
I still remember the potato man I played with Emily.
Sam had a potato man doll too. 
I'm doing the same thing right now. I made a look
just like the potato man. She laughed. A lovely child.
"Sam, come and help me. Mulder, come and sit
down."
"Yes mommy. "
What if Sam was my child? I wonder. It would be so
nice. So nice. She seems to be a very clever girl. 
Dinner was wonderful. I felt like a father.
I felt as if we were a happy family having dinner together
as usual. 
"Mommy, when will my father be back?"
"Very soon. Very soon sweety."
She reached her arms and held her up. 
"Be good and he'll be back very soon. Now, go and get some
sleep sweety. Mulder, mind to read her some stories till she
falls asleep? I'll clean the dishes."
I read her a story. She really liked it. I tried to be as 
realistic as I could. Sometimes Sam was laughing sometimes 
she was so scared. Soon, she falls asleep. It was so lovely to 
see her sleeping. So beautiful. Just like an angel. I turned 
out the light and came out very slowly not to wake little 
Samantha up. I was surprised to find Scully at Sam's door.
"Since when?"
I was too surprised.
"Very realistic Mulder. I was scared to death as well. Very 
well done. 100% out of 100% for being a good father.
Very nice." She clapped for me. 
"Thank you Mrs.. Um. What's your husband's name?"
Is it okay to ask such thing? What if she's divorced?
She was very reluctant to say a word. 
"Why don't you sleep over? It's getting late."
"No, it okay. I can go back to my hotel."
Why didn't she answered my question?
"No. Stay here. You can sleep on the couch or on the bed."
No. This would make us both so uncomfortable. 
"I don't want to disturb you Dana. I'll just go."
"No, it's your house after all. Just sleep over here today.
It's fine. You can have breakfast then leave, pack your stuffs
in hotel then come back and live here. I'll move out soon."
Oh well then. I'll stay. She brought two glasses of
red wine. 
"Cheers."
We had so much to talk to each other.  
"She's such a lovely child Dana. She really is. Really.
What's her full name?"
I'm asking the same question again. Dumb. It'll hurt
Dana's feeling. She was very reluctant to say a word.
Her eyes were full of tears. Was she raped? Am I 
making so big a mistake? What is it?
"Samantha Melissa..."
She took a deep breath. She looked right into my eyes.
".... Mulder."
Samantha Melissa Mulder. What?
"Oh your husband got the same surname as mine? 
That's cool."
Not so cool. I'm feeling more jealous. I do. 
"You look tired Mulder. Better go get some rest. You 
sleep on the bed as you're an owner of this house from
now on. I'll sleep on the couch. Good night."
I ruined the whole thing. The whole thing.
"No, Dana. You sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the couch."
"Hey Fox. Just do as what I say or I'll kick you out of this
house."
"I'm scared FBI woman. You go girl."
She smiled at me. I was on my bed. 4 years. I don't know.
Did she love me? Or just like me? And why is she
so reluctant to say the husband's name? Why? Damn. What
happened? Why quit the Bureau? I couldn't sleep. I opened my
eyes. I found that Dana is watching me at the door. 
"How long have you been watching me, Dana? Very scary."
She was wearing an wardrobe. Maybe she took a shower.
She was holding a glass of wine.
"About an hour maybe."
So why was she watching me? Spying on me? Why? What is
it? She fancies me? She's regretting the years she has
lived in the past 4 years? 
"Can I stay with you? Tonight?"
What is she talking about? In innocent way? I don't think
so. 
"Dana, you got a family. I don't want to ruin the whole thing.
I don't want you to be turbid all because of me. Really."
I love her but she's got family. She's a mother of a child.
I do love her but I'm not allowed to. This is not right. 
When we did the thing, she was a single. But now, she's a 
mother of a child. This is not allowed. No. It isn't.
"You're such an idiot Mulder."
"I do love you Dana, but this is not right."
No, this is not right. Although we both want to. Or does she
just mean the innocent way? 
She throw her glass to the floor. The glass was broken
and the carpet was stained with wine. 
"You are her father, Mulder."
She was weeping. I lost my words. 
"I found that I was pregnant after you were gone. Well, if
you were her, I may have told you. I thought you would be
back soon, and I thought I would tell you later on. But you
didn't come back so soon, I lost all my courage telling you
the truth."
Oh.. so she's my child. Little Samantha Melissa Mulder.
Little Sam was at the door.
"Mommy, what happened?"
She was scrubbing her eyes. She was holding her teddy bear. 
She looked scared. 
"Did you two fight?"
"No, sweety. Go back to bed. Mommy was so scared. Mulder
read me the same story as he told you."
"That one's really scary mommy. Mulder is a good story
teller. Can he stay here and read me a story every
night?"
Every day and every night, whatever you want little Sam.
I can read you heaps of good stories, I'll take you to
the place wherever you want to be, I'll help you with
studying, I'll always be there with you. 
"He has the same last name as mine."
She's only 3 years old, but very clever. So smart. 
"Yes sweety. Now go back to your bed. It's really late
Sam."
She looked into my eyes. She stared at me and asked me.
"Are you my Daddy Mulder? I hope you are my daddy. 
Mommy, why daddy is always away?"
Dana cried again. 
"Sam."
***
(Sam's POV)
Today is my 7th birthday. Mom and dad is dancing to
the music. Sometimes I hate to be alone, having no
siblings. But they love me so much and mom is
always my best friend so I love my family.
They are kissing. Sometimes, they told me about
their funny experiences in the Bureau, sometimes,
painful stories. I wanted to see my dad for so
long and now he's finally with us. Dad helps me
a lot with my work. He kisses me on the cheek and
hug me gently when I do all the work in the right
way. He still reads me story at the night. I knew
Mulder was my dad. I was not that dull at all. 
I felt as if he were my father. He was the first man
I've ever seen in my house. My mom never brings 
man except Bill. Mom always told me about my dad and told
me he's away for a business but he'll be back soon.
She said it's a very important work. And she told me
she would only let my father in this house. Well of course
grandma, uncle and aunt also. Mulder is not my uncle, so
he was definately my dad. I think mom is crying again.
Maybe she's thinking about the old days or day that I was
born? Maybe. I missed my father for so long and I'm 
glad he's back for good. He never goes abroad for now.
That's very good thing. Mom always looked so dark before
my dad's back. She would always listened to the song called
"My dark life." I still remember the tune. Now, she doesn't
listen to that song anymore. She told me that once,
when Mulder was with her in her life, he brought a light to
her life. When he was gone, she felt as if the whole world
has ended. But now he's back, and I'm with her as well.
She says that there's no sorrow in her life for now.
No more dark life.

And his strong concealed arms set off bells and alarms..
In the strangest locations of my dark life...