From: Amy Date: 22 Dec 2004 15:58:16 -0800 Subject: [all-xf] FIC: My Immortal 1/2 Source: atxc My Immortal By: Amy Jonas Feedback appreciated at adjonas2000@yahoo.com Category: Jimmy and Yves/Angst Rating: PG Disclaimer: Not mine Archieve: See. Want. Take. Just let me know Summary: Sometimes people take different paths. Jimmy's POV A/N: This story was borne of a discussion (My apologies to Laura who listened ever so patiently) between Ginny and I who had very different views of Jimmy and Yves. My Immortal is a song by Evanescence and I thought it fit the story. John Lennon once said `All you need is love.' Love was never a problem for Yves and me; in fact, it was the one thing I was sure about. I loved her with all my heart and soul and she loved me. We were happy. But. Isn't there always a but? After awhile, I saw her looking at me. She was thinking. She was always thinking. She's a brilliant woman and no matter how much I learned or how fast I learned, for Yves it wasn't enough. I just wasn't on her level intellectually. She needed the mental stimulation and I couldn't give it to her. Maybe, if it was only that, we could have worked it out; stayed together. I grew up emotionally and intellectually. You have to, doing what the guys and I do. You can't remain the same. The work, the base cruelty that we see on a daily basis makes sure of that. I grew up. I changed. I guess I became jaded. I still believe people are basically good but now I don't expect it and it doesn't hurt when they prove me wrong. Yves wanted me to grow up. She loved my ability to trust others, that innocence she lost when she was young. Now though, I'm cynical and she looks at me differently. Our wants are different. I want marriage and children, a life with her. Yves wants her freedom. There are people who still look for her and she needs to be able to disappear at a moments notice. I once thought I would rather be with Yves in any way even if it meant I wouldn't have my family. I would be with her and I would love her till the day I died. We were together for five years before out relationship fell apart. Our differences were too great. The guys took me out to a bar and got me drunk. They said all the words that people say when you break up with the love of your life. `It was a good run'. `You tried your best'. `The two of us were just too different.' Seeing her after that hurt. My heart felt as if it was in a vise and someone kept cranking it until my heart felt as if it would burst from the pain. I wanted a family so I tried to quell my love for Yves. I went on dates. There was one girl. I think I could have loved her if I tried but she would never be Yves. It wouldn't have been fair to her so I broke it off. Yves came over to the warehouse the other day. The guys were on a stakeout and I was researching information on the net. Like I said earlier; you can't be around the guys for as long as I have and not learn things. We stared at each other for what felt like hours. I wanted to touch her; brush the stray strands of hair from her eyes and tuck it behind her ear. I wanted us to talk like we used to. I want to hear her laugh again. I wanted to hold her in my arms again. I wanted to tell her how much I love her. I wanted to tell her....all you need is love. Her dark eyes flickered and she broke eye contact. She dropped a disk next to the computer I was working on, turned and left. I heard the door slam shut and I dropped in to a chair. When I turned back to the screen, I couldn't read the information; the words were all blurred. I rubbed my eyes and made a mental note to dust the work area. As I renewed my search, I couldn't help but think John Lennon was wrong. My Immortal Part 2 Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote `Thou art to me a delicious torment'. That was what Jimmy was to me. The antithesis of everything I was used to and expected in people; Jimmy is the one person I completely trusted in this world. I told him about my past; and he accepted it; accepted me. I loved him like I never thought I could love another. And he loved me; completely and unconditionally. We were happy. Or so I allowed myself to believe. I have never encountered a more gentle, caring soul. There isn't a selfish bone in his body. Jimmy's work on the paper is motivated only by a desire to help other people no matter how it impacts him financially or emotionally. My actions, rooted in a need for redemption for my father's sins or because it furthers that agenda, would never be magnanimous. Eventually I was forced to accept a fundamental truth. Jimmy Bond was too good for me. Despite that, I think we could have stayed together. But Jimmy grew up; matured both emotionally and intellectually. I wanted this for my sake as well as his. While I found his innocence fresh; in what we do caution and a certain amount of cynicism is needed to unearth the truth and stay alive. I realized that as he matured, he would no longer view the world or people the same way. He would learn the same truth that I discovered. I have never been afraid of anything but the thought of him looking at me differently scared me. Our wants are similar. Marriage. Children. A life together. But my father is still out there destroying lives. I have work to do and cannot remain in one place too long. Knowing Jimmy as I do, he would give up his dream of a family to be with me. As tempted as I was, that arrangement wouldn't have been fair to him. After five years, I did the one thing that didn't benefit me. I ended our relationship. Seeing him after that hurt more than I thought it could. I wanted him to be happy; to have his family but the knowledge of him being with other women was like a dull knife twisting in my heart. I buried myself in my work trying to forget how much he meant to me. Then I would help the Gunmen and Jimmy would be there; in all his loveliness; a delicious torment of what I had lost. The other day I brought over a disk the boys would find useful. Upon arriving, I discovered Jimmy alone. For the first time words failed me and we stared at each other. All my feelings clamored inside me. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to see his goofy lopsided smile I love so much. I wanted us to talk like we used to. I wanted to hear him laugh. I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted to tell him I still love him. My pain was mirrored in his eyes. I broke eye contact, dropped the disk next to a computer and left. The door slammed behind me; a flat, hollow sound. I climbed into my car, pausing a moment to look back. Starting the engine I thought how true Emerson's words were.