From: "David Hearne" Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2001 11:00:06 -0500 Subject: xfc: My Kind of Humor (1 of 1) Source: xfc TITLE: MY KIND OF HUMOR (1 of 1) AUTHOR: DAVID HEARNE CLASSIFICATION: Post-ep for "Tithonus" RATING: PG PERMISSION TO ARCHIVE: Yes Send feedback to ottercrk@sover.net Website is located at http://members.dencity.com/hearne XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Hey, there. Come on in. Take a seat. Wanna play some cards? No? Well...you don't really have a choice in the matter. That's right. You might as well as sit down and relax. So, what game do you want to play? Gin? Bridge? Hearts? Straight-up poker, nothing wild? Sounds good. You know, I don't know what you've heard about me. Oh, you know what I *do*. You're aware of the basic job description. I'm just wondering what kind of personality you were expecting. I mean, I've been portrayed in all kinds of different ways. There's the classic medieval image, of course. Dark cloak, scythe, maybe a skull under the hood. Naturally, the image was more common when a plague was running loose. Sometimes, they lose the scythe and I'm just this ominous-looking monk kind of guy with his hands up his sleeves. Ominous, but not malicious. Like a mafia hitman. "Nothing personal, pal." Bam! As of late, though, there's been a fairly wide variety of depictions. Of me. One of those Swedish artsy-fartsy flicks used the classic medieval image, right down to the chessboard. Then there's this comic book which portrays me as a sexy Goth chick full of earthy, practical wisdom. Not all the portrayals have been so flattering, I'm afraid. I saw this movie where I allegedly inhabit the body of a blonde-haired movie star and learn to appreciate the beauty of life, blah blah blah. Made me look real insipid. Not as insipid as the version on the t.v. show with the angels, though. I'm supposed to be some mook with a glowing head and who talks a lot of meaningless crap about love. I mean, do they really think I'm so asinine? Hell, popular culture has even depicted me as being so stupid that I get caught in a tree, for God's sake... Oh, I'm sorry. How many cards do you want? Can't decide? Well, I can wait. Anyway, whatever the portrayal, one motif is usually constant. When I "take" people, it's just because their time has come. I have nothing to do with it. Other forces determine the end. I just stop by and pick up the remains. Ha. Let me tell you something -- *I* decide when it's time. *I* decide when you have to go. Nobody else. I mean, yeah, if you swallow a hand grenade, then I don't have too much choice. But, in other cases, I might do it just for the sheer hell of it. I might take you just because you slipped on a puddle or you're allergic to pollen. Hell, there have been people who exercise religiously, keep themselves in perfect physical shape, and then suddenly they have a heart attack at the age of twenty-eight. If you wonder why that happens, that's just me feeling bored one day. Look, how many cards do you want? I can't stay here forever. Three? You got it. And the dealer takes one. Anyway, the opposite can hold true. I might *not* take someone for the sheer fun of it. You know, those people who manage to walk away from a plane crash without a scratch or get zapped by lightning seven times. Then there are the ones who stay in a coma. I let them linger there for years and years, letting their family's medical expenses pile up... Well, I think it's funny. That's my kind of humor, I guess. I'll even let a guy simply live for decades without any physical change -- just to amuse myself. Then there's the people who survive so much and then suddenly...that's it. I know this one pair of FBI agents. They have gone through so much shit, it's unbelievable. Everything from gunshots to disease to the weirdest supernatural stuff. Any one of those dangers could have had them. *Should* have had them. But they didn't. You know why? Because I didn't let it happen. These agents don't take it for granted. Not yet, anyway. They respect their luck. But, one of these days, they'll have that one moment when they think, "Boy, I'm indestructible. Nothing can stop me." And then I'm gonna tap them on the shoulder. Imagine what the look on their faces will be. Anyway, time to call. What do you got? I beat that. Surprise, surprise. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX