From: Humbuggie <san@sv-tales.com>
Date: 6 Jul 2003 12:42:36 -0700
Subject: xfc: My life as Binky (spoof)
Source: atxc

Note by Humbuggie: 
This story is based on my new kitty Binky (to be admired at
www.hersheybinky.tk :-)) and was the result of a long chat at Mulder's
Refuge, and a challenge by my fellow chatters.


My life as Binky 
by Binky Blue 
Feedback at san@sv-tales.com, aka Humbuggie 
Ps, I am Humbuggie's cat. So all credit goes to her!
 
Spoilers: nothing, just some fluff ... and a bit of Muldertorture 
 
I think my name is Binky. At least that's what people constantly yell at
me. Sometimes it sounds like Boinky, or Banky, or Benks, but in the long
run, it's probably Binky. 
 
Those people are my owner: a tall guy with a cute face. I like that
face, especially when he holds me against him and I can look into his
eyes. They seem nice. But he does appear to be hurt quite often too. At
times he comes home and there are scratches on his face, or bruises and
bumps, and I really don't think that I am responsible for them. 
I was responsible for that one - umm - little accident in the lower area
of his body, you know, there were people don't like it that you scratch,
but that was a long time ago. Yesterday, I believe. 
 
They call him Moelder or something like that. I'll just call him Mul
because the full name is too difficult for me. He is very tall and
lanky. I always have to crawl up his legs to reach the top of him. When
he takes me in his hands, I purr and nestle there because his hands are
warm and his fingers taste very well. I love to lick them. 
Yesterday I don't think he wore clothes. Or at least tiny clothes. When
I jumped and clawed into his legs, he shouted a very harsh word and I
had to shut my ears not to listen to it. And I clawed further up there
until I reached some cloth, and he would not let his hand go off that
area and I had to claw into his fingers to move further up. 
It's easier when he's lying in bed. At least then I can just jump and
get straight to his face. 
 
It seems that he doesn't have many friend, except for that one lady that
came in the other day. She was shorter than he was and she smelled a bit
of dogs. I don't think she's  a cat person. She looked at me as if I
came from another planet: Catville or something. She took me in her
hands but I accidently put my teeth in her skin and she yelped like I do
when they step on my tail. Mummy always told me not to yelp too much
because people don't like that. But I have to when they don't notice me.
Right? 
I mean: I'm little and they are tall and I need to make sure I'm part of
their world. 
 
I live in my bosses apartment. It's a dark place at night with hardly
any lights on, except those coming from that thing they call a
television set sitting before the couch. I like watching action movies.
You know: cats and dogs getting it on. Or fish dancing on the screen.
I'd love to get my hands on them like I did on the ones in his fish
tank, but the boss is not happy when I jump the set. It wiggled a bit
when I did that this morning.
 
Sometimes the television set makes funny noises. I remember those sounds
from my former bosses house. He had a lot of ladyfriends coming around
and they always ended up in the bedroom where we were not allowed. Mummy
always told us to cover our ears and look the other way. 
"That's when humans are making little cats," she explained. "They are
very noisy, not like us. When your father came for me, it just took one
shot and you were created."
"I thought the stork dropped off the kittens, mum?" my little brother
Stumpy asked. He always asks dumb questions. 
"No dear," mummy replied. "You came out of my belly one night and then
you started to grow. And one day someone will come to this house and
take you to a new home. That's what humans do. You'll have to teach your
new human how to behave. They usually don't have manners. Look at my
boss. Having sex as if no one's listening." 
And you see, that sound I now hear coming from the television set. And
my boss has this really strained expression on his face and he keeps
putting his hand in that area where I'm not supposed to scratch. 
I watch fascinated. 
 
And I wonder: will I some day have a cat walk into my life and create
little kitties with me, or shall I spend the rest of my life believing
in storks too, like poor Stumpy? 
 
I take care of the boss you know, even though he's hardly ever at home.
When he walks into the door I take his slippers to him. Okay, they are
torn a bit here and there, but at least they're still there, somehow. I
bring him parts of the newspaper (carrying the whole paper is a bit too
much!). 
I dart around him, pointing out the food that I think we should eat
tonight. Takeaway-Pizza is okay for once, but a little cat like me
really should watch what she eats now and then. I crawl up his leg and
sit on the sink, and drink water fresh from the tab (that saves a lot of
milk!). And yesterday I put some of my food on his plate because it
really did taste well and I thought he would like it too. He did seem a
bit sour after that. 
 
When he's sitting behind his computer and his fingers dance around on
that thing that makes noises, I go sit in front of him. He placed a
little blanket there for me and I sit on it and lie against that noisy
thing. Sometimes I put my paw on the little buttons and he always says: 
"No Binky! You're typing my emails again!" 
And then he laughs and pets me on the back. 
 
But I get bored after that and need something else to do. So I jump off
the table and go in search for something else. The television set was
playing tonight and I went to it and something was sitting into this
little black box in front of it. I put my paws against it and started to
pull it out, and then this black cord came out and I could eat it, and
it tasted so good that I just kept on chewing it. 
And then my human came and said, "No Binky!" and he tried to push that
cord back into it but it didn't work out. He went to the cupboard where
I love to sit in, pulled out another one of this black thingies and
pushed that in the other black thing and those weird human stork noises
started again. I sighed and decided I should find something else to play
with.
 
I went into the bedroom, you know, the room where I was not supposed to
be at my mummy's owner's house and looked around. Humans are so messy.
They never clean up after themselves and never lick themselves. They
smell often too. When they have done things, for example. I love their
armpits though: nice and greasy. 
 
This morning, I woke up the boss inside that room. I jumped on the bed
and it started moving. It seemed as if there was water inside of the
mattress and it was so much fun! Jump - Up - Jump - Up - Jump - Up -
over and over again. So funny! 
But my boss didn't seem to like it. He pushed me off, and I fell and
jumped back on and bit in his foot that came out of the bedsheets. His
big toe tasted good! He yelled at me though. I don't think he liked it
much. And he wore a bandage around his foot later on. 
 
You know, life as Binky is fun. Especially now that my boss is doing
computer stuff while his tv-set makes strange noises and he is not
paying attention to me. Now I can investigate the rest of that bed! I
jump on it again. Yep, there MUST be water in there, but where is it? I
need to find it. Now, if I claw long and hard enough, I'm sure to find
it. 
I push my first claw in, and then another one, and then - 
 
Psssssssssssssssssssssssssst! 
I stare in surprise at what happens next. The bed does Pssssssssst again
and there is a whole beam of water spurting out of the mattress. It
comes out of two or three holes. I laugh and tear at them with my claws.

Oh gosh, I love getting water on my head but this is a bit too much!
This is ... cat torture! 
I jump off the bed and rush into the other room.
Tadum. I did nothing wrong. I'll just go and sit now and watch those
humans without any clothes on doing their thing. Hey, interesting
position. Do cats do that too?
 
"Binky Blue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Uh oh. 
My human rushes past me into the other room and I hear a curse enough to
the biggest scratching pole available to catkind. I have to hide. 
I find the blanket on the couch and crawl underneath it. I need my
mummy. Mum-my! 
 
My Mul-human is obviously very upset. He walks in and out of the bedroom
and he keeps on pulling out buckets of water and I don't want any of the
water splashed on me so I keep on hiding. 
And then I heard a very loud noise and a bang and another bang, and no
more noises. 
 
Muuuuuuhl? I don't want to yelp out loud but this does scare me. 
Muuuuuuhl? I yelp and he doesn't come out. Perhaps he's toying with me.
I try to take a closer look but for that, I have to leave my haven.
Okay, let's do that anyhow. This really frightens me. 
 
I creep out from underneath the blanket until I see him. But I see
nothing but those big feet of his that lay in the door opening between
the bedroom and this place. Should I suck those toes? Perhaps that will
make him angry again but at least he won't be lying quietly then. And
besides, I saw one of the humans on the tv do it. And the other man
liked it. 
 
Oh man. I think I screwed up. 
He doesn't move. I approach the target. My human is not doing a single
thing. He lies on his back, with his legs spread out a bit and his big
feet unmoving, and his one arm still holds onto a bucket and the other
one lies beneath him. And his eyes are closed as if he's sleeping.
Mum-my! I move into my Mul-human and lick his fingers one by one.
Nothing. Then I approach the armpit. Usually I love to snuggle in there.
This time I ignore it and go for the face. For that, I have to sit on
his chest. 
 
I jump on the chest and start with the chin. It is funny. His chin is
not smooth but hairy, as if I am washing Stumpy's head. I don't really
like it but I go on anyhow. Nothing. 
Okay, extreme measures then. I go for the lips. 
I'm licking them as if they are the new Whiskas-treat. He makes noises.
He groans a bit. But that's it again. Damn. 
The nose. Big nose, much space. I'm sucking on it like a Felix treat. I
like Felix. This time he does move. He blinks his eyes and then opens
them and looks into mine. I'm in lurrrrrve. I have a cute human! 
 
But he does not seem to feel the same way right now. He closes his eyes
again and I am afraid because the water still comes out of that bed and
I don't like it. 
Hey, I know that sound! It's a talking-thingie. Mummy called it that
way. Humans use it to speak with each other when they are not in the
same room. Sometimes Mrs. Human calls her man and then they chatter. 
That talking-thingie makes a lot of noise. Perhaps I should try and get
it in here for Mul so that he can say something to his ladyfriend. I run
to the other room and find it lying on the coffee table. The other day
my human was upset because I had eaten his cookies while sitting on the
table but I'm sure he won't be angry now. I try to move it but it is too
heavy. So I just jump on it and something clicks. 
 
I hear a voice coming out of that thing. I know that voice. It's his
angry ladyfriend's, the one who doesn't like me. She keeps on saying
"Mulder? Moelder? Melder?" And I yelp. 
She calls me Buggie instead of Binky and I yelp because it doesn't
matter what she calls me, as long as she gets her butt over here. She's
gone then and I go back to my human and stay guard. He needs me to lick
his fingers and make sure he's well-taken care of. I promise I won't
scratch there where I'm not allowed. 
 
After that, I fell asleep on my human's chest. And then she is there and
there are a lot of noises and I'm not happy with all the humans coming
into the room. They are so large and I am so tiny! I am afraid they'll
step on my toes. 
I move out of the way and yelp again when I see Mul's lady friend. She
turns and seems very busy. My human is lifted and put on some large
thing and taken away and I am afraid. What if I don't get my Whiskas
tonight? 
And then she sees me while others are stopping the water from pouring
out of the holes on the bed. She leans forward, picks me up and then
smiles. Her eyes are nice. She holds me against her and pets me and I
purr. "Good work, little one," she says and kisses me. I am in love
again, even though I'm a girl and she is too. Who cares! She probably
has a lot of room on her body to scratch too. 
 
"You stay here," she says and takes me in the kitchen where I am served
my favourite Whiskas and Felix treats and then she's gone. 
The place is very quiet now, except for the tv that is still playing. I
sit in front of it and fall asleep dreaming about those strange human
positions. I wish I were human too. But on the other hand, I have it
pretty good as a cat, don't I? 
 
The ladyfriend suddenly enters the room and picks me up. "Do you want to
go for a ride?" she asks. I yawn. Only a few moments ago I had more food
and did a little you-know-what on my favourite spot and then fell asleep
again. 
And now she's here. 
I yelp "Muuuuuuhl?" and she seems to understand. She puts me in some
sort of large bag that smells like vegetables and fish and says, "Now
you have to be very quiet! I'm smuggling you into the hospital." 
 
She takes another bag with my human's favourite shoes - also one of my
favourite spots - and some clothes and we're off. I'm wiggling inside
the bag and we are on the move for some time. I sit in a ve-hicle, you
know, one of those things that take you from one place to another - and
try to look outside but can't. It's fun though, and I fall asleep again.

 
Suddenly we're there. She takes me out of the ve-hicle and we're walking
again. "Be quiet," she says again and I do what she asks. We pass humans
in the hallway. 
She calls them, "Mel," and "Mindy", and "Lisa" and they laugh and
chatter. They talk about Mul. They seem to like him. Perhaps they
scratch him too, like I love to!
 
Then we're inside a bright white room and I yelp "Muuuuhl!" because he's
there! He lies in a large bed that does not have water in it. There is a
large male human in there too. Hmm, I would love to scratch his legs.
The ladyfriend calls him "Unctie" or "Junction" or something like that.
He is holding a mop and doing the floors. I know that! My former human
did that too. I always jumped at the mop and then into that area they
don't like. I'd love to stretch my paws by now but I wait. 
 
My human opens his eyes and the ladyfriend waits until Junction is gone
and then she opens the bag and says "I have a little surprise for you,
Mulder."
I lift my head and our eyes meet, and my Mul-human groans and says,
"Binky!" 
And I jump out of the bag, onto his bed and start licking his face. He
loves that. He laughs. I even get to lick his fingers. He pats me. 
"Look what you did, Binky Blue," he says and we are again totally in
love. I yelp, "I missed you Muuuuhl!" and he seems to understand. 
 
After that, I just go for the big box with yummy chocolates that sit on
the little table and my Mul-human smiles and says, "So you want a
truffle, hey Binks? You can have all you like." 
 
"I have something for you, Moelder," the ladyfriend says and hands him
his clothes and shoes. I jump off the bed and watch when he takes my
favourite shoes into his hands and looks into them. 
"Oh crap," he groans, and then looks at me.
I smile my biggest smile and wiggle my tail. 
 
Then I suck on the chocolate, rub some of it on my human's hand and purr
as I slowly fall asleep. I'm with my human ... and life is beautiful
when you're a cat named Binky. 
 
End