From: Boilerella@aol.com
Date: Fri, 10 Sep 2004 14:42:55 EDT
Subject: My Saviour
Source: direct

Title: My Saviour.
Author: Anita.
Rating: PG13.
Summary: The darkness threatens to swallow Mulder as he awaits Scully's demi
se.
Spoilers: Redux. Set during the opening scene.
Author's notes: A dark piece which takes on the idea of Mulder battling depr
ession. As a sufferer of depression myself, I hope that I have been successf
ul in describing the darkness and despair that can engulf you. 

~*~ 

Depression. I have never really thought of myself as being depressed. Never
understood the meaning. Books hold no charm. Their cold, clinical explanatio
n. Imbalances sweeping the human mind, throwing the sufferer into depths of
despair. 
While I was studying at University, I saw first hand how this disease, yes I
 believed it to be a disease, plagued people. Innocent souls who had done no
thing more than to try and cling onto sanity. I saw the after effects of the
ir disease. The scars that adorned their bodies; the vacant look that echoed
 in their eyes; the frailness of their minds, hoping that the darkness would
 not swallow them again. I saw how the doctors quietened them with drugs; Pr
ozac, Lithium, Zoloft. But I never believed it could happen to me. 

Sitting here now, surrounded by darkness, I, too, can feel the chasm opening
. The precipice so close to the edge of my feet. Hardly daring to breathe in
 case I fall, the one person who can hold me back. Who can save me lies dyin
g in a hospital bed, shrouded in white linen. Awaiting her fate without a wo
rd. I admire her strength. Always, she has been more than I have. She makes
me whole. Perhaps even alive. But she will be gone soon. I've failed her.
I've failed her family. I've failed myself. 

The thought of death seems so appealing now. Because I will go with her. Wai
ting forevermore until she too graces the kingdom of light. There is nothing
 for me to believe in now. The quest has failed. Perhaps there was never a q
uest to start with. Just a lost man crying for his saviour. Pulling down oth
ers until they reached his darkness. His despair. 

My life holds no meaning now. I cry my last tears. Yet I still wait for my s
aviour. The light, which will beckon me, home. 

My saviour. 

My love. 

My light.

~*~