From icequeen@worldnet.att.net Tue Feb 18 17:34:17 1997 Names and other games of the heart By: Icequeen icequeen@worldnet.att.net Summary: Scully reflects on life, and love after Momento Mori. Season 4 spoilers. Disclaimer: Dana Scully and Fox Mulder belong to 1013, CC, and the evil consortuim known as FOX. They aren't mine, at least not in *this* life. I'll return them when I'm done messing with everyones heads!! Promise! Author's notes: I was told that Journals are the hardest to write, I'll wait for your comments to let you know. This poured out of my head at 3:30 in the morning, and I am compelled to share it. Rating: PG, MSR, Kind of, we'll yes, what else would you expect from me?? More disscution of UST, than anything. Classification: V, R, & A. Now on with the story!!! ****************************** Fox, If you were to ever read this I would certainly be scolded for the use of this word. A simple name that means so much. It is the miniscule gossamar wedge between us. Sometimes I feel it is all that keeps us from losing grasp of the single thread we cling soso tightly to. That which keeps us from crossing the thin line of professionalism. Simple names have become our way of distancing ourselves from the truth, a truth that is known but never spoken of, or acted uopn. And yet we've let each other know that the love is there. Fleeting glances, choice words, and tender touches have have been shared all to ofter, and are constant reminders. And perhaps what we have trancends that basic need for physical confirmation. Although oftentimes I long for it. We both hold the knowledge, that the dangers involved could be our ultimate demise, and the dark painful crevices of our minds. We both know this in our hearts, and even though at times I feel that mine is in a thousand pieces, with no hope of getting them back together. I continue on. Content with the limited bond we allow ourselves. But even I know that it cannot be this way forever. Eventually, we will be forced to face the darkest evils together. Not the evils we face everyday, that of criminals and murderers, but that which our love would create. The perfect excuse given to those who wait to strike at our weakest moment, and finally silence our voices forever. This unspoken code of silence, is harder to follow now more than ever, at this turning point in my life when I must face another evilness. This ultimate war of good versus evil being fought inside my own body. I feel all but hopeless knowing that there is nothing I can do but wait. Before Penny Northern, I was ready and willing to give in. Suffering through treatments which drained me of what little life I clung to. As she left this life I made a promise, not to give up, and to be the "one". I allow the tears to pour freely. The action, I realize now , was selfish. The tears, a product of my fear. The fear that I am the only one left, and I now stand alone in my fight for life. Fox, don't think for a moment that I take you for granted. You are all that holds me together, my shining beacon in the vast universe, guiding me to whatever resolution awaits. This thought my only comfort. I do not hold you responsible in any way for my ailment, although I know you yourself do. I can see the fear and pain in your eyes and I would give anything to release you of this, but this is a luxury we are not allowed. The feeble dreams of second chances and what ifs. With the knowledge of this single truth, I will once again re3treat to the empty darkness, cry myself into a restless sleep, and dream of what was and what will never be, at least on this earth, but perhaps will finally be attainable in what lies beyond this hell others and we ourselves have created and which we call our lives. And at dawn I am certain I will once again awaken from my blood-speckled pillow. Finding strength not only in my own insignificant weakness, but also through you. My partner, my life force, best friend, and maybe someday when all the battles have been fought and the truth is known, my lover. Love, Dana THE END Questions? Comments? Flames?(I'm fireproof)Send to icequeen@worldnet.att.net "The truth will save you Scully. I think it will save both of us." -Mulder Member of: X-PRIC, XPA, XPRA, The Scarlet Conspiracy, MSSMB, LOMIG, SPCDD, DDEB.