Date: 18 Jun 1998 00:54:13 GMT Subject: *Repost* Never Ever Title: Never Ever (what does it mean? I don't know, really. Just things that'll never ever happen on the X-files) Author: Liv A. Helkin Feedback: To TheRatRulz@aol.com Please! Give my mailbox a reason to live! Archive: Anywhere. Just drop me so note so I can go visit it. Rating: PG, I guess Category: Uh... I think it's supposed to be humor but all it really is is a whacked out stupid fanfic. Spoilers: none. Summary: It's a weird day at the FBI office on Friday the 13th... Disclaimer: I don't own any characters in this fic... what else do you want from me? ***************************** Friday the 13th Fox Mulder had a bad feeling today. It was Friday the 13th. This was not going to be his day. But luckily, nothing weird has happened so far. Mulder settled himself down in his chair and adjusted his "Leonardo DiCaprio" tie. 5 minutes later, his partner walked in... in a Hawaiian tee, khakis, and huge giant sunglasses with stars around them. And a coconut on top of her head. "Scully?!" Mulder blurted out. "Heeeeeey! Wusssuuuuup, duuuuuuude?" Scully greeted as she high-fived Mulder. "Scully?!" Mulder repeated. "Whuz up, dude?" Scully repeated. "What's with your tongue?" "My tongue?" Mulder stuck his tongue out at Scully. "I got trustno1 tattooed on it. Like it?" "Yo, I like, loooooooooove the red, duuuuuuude." Scully said. "C'mon, Mulder." "Where we going?" "C'mon, Mulder, let's go piss the big bad boss off." Scully pulled Mulder out of his chair. "Wait! Lemme eat my breakfast!" Mulder stuffed some fun dip in his mouth. "Okay, let's go." "Coooooooool, man." Scully dragged Mulder behind her as they raced up the stairs to the office of the assistant director Skinner. Without bothering to knock, Scully busted down the door with one swift karate kick. "A-GENT-TES!!!!" Skinner was jumping up and down on top of his desk. "Siiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr-eeeeeeee!!!!!" Scully greeted. "Suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggeeeeeeee!!!!!" Skinner replied. "Sugar high, sugar high, I'm sugar high!" "Yo, like, totally chill, dude." Scully said. "You know, sir, it'd be cool if you waxed your head or somethin'. Right, Mulder?" but Mulder didn't even respond. He was busy sticking straws up his nose and inhaling his milkshake. "That's MY milkshake, FOXY!!!" Skinner screamed, still jumping up and down on his desk. "Take a hike, Rogaine Man." Mulder replied. "Fox... I am your father." A raspy voice came from the vent. "Huh? Who? What?" Mulder looked up. The vent was kicked opened and CSM scrambled out. "Fox... I am your father." CSM said. "Cancerman!" Mulder exclaimed. "Don't trust him, Fox. Use the force." Came a voice from behind Mulder. Everyone spun around and saw Deep Throat standing in the doorway. "Deep Throat! But you're dead!" Mulder yelled. "Use the force, Fox, use the force." "Deep Throat!" CSM took out his lightsaber. "It's a duel to the end!" "Prepare to feel my wrath!" Deep Throat took out his lightsaber and started swinging it at CSM. "Use the force, Fox, use the force!!" "Sir! Stop this!" Mulder turned to Skinner. "That's BIG HENRY to you, FOXY!!" Skinner yelped. "SURGE!!!" "Scully." Mulder turned to Scully. "Psst... you quiero Taco Bell." Scully whispered. "You're all crazy!!" Mulder yelled. "Now you know!!" Krycek appeared out of nowhere with a giant blow torch. "Krycek!" Mulder shouted. "Wa ha ha ha!!" Krycek laughed. He turned on his blow torch and burned Mulder's hair off. "ACCCKKKKK!!!! NOOOOOO~ My precious hair!" Mulder cried. "Hey, Scully, want a drink?" Skinner inched closer to Scully and offered her some whiskey. "Okeyley dokley!" Scully grabbed the whiskey out of Skinner's hands and took a big swig. "Yummdie!!" *BURP~* "Ewww! Scully!" Krycek frowned. "Ha ha ha!!" Scully laughed. "I was abducted by *aliens*!!! Wheeeeeee~ Whooooooo hoooooo!!!! Alientes!! Yo quiero Taco Bell!" "Scully, you're drunk." Mulder said. "Muuuuuuuuulder! YOu got a biiiiiiiiig nooooooooooose!!" Scully laughed. "Watch it, shorty!" Mulder snarled. "Shorty?! That's it, I've had enough!" Scully removed her 3-inch heel. "I'm sick of you calling me shorty!" Then she started chasing Mulder around the room, beating him over the head with her shoe. "Ow! Scully! Ow!" Mulder ran around waving his arms frantically. Then Skinner stepped in his way and tugged on his sleeve. "Look Foxy! It's a UFO! A bleepin' UFO!" Skinner screamed into Mulder's ear. Meanwhile, Deep Throat has knocked the light saber out of CSM's hands. "Give up, old man?" "No fair, you cheated!!" CSM dropped to the floor, kicking and screaming, throwing a tantrum. "Aww... not this again..." Deep Throat sighed. "CUT IT OUT!!! ALL OF YA!!!" Mulder screamed. He started smashing bottles around the office and screaming, "It's all a conspiracy!! A conspiracy, I tell ya!!" "I hate this! Nobody loves me!" CSM pouted. "That's it, I'm going to become a boxer!" "Like the dog?" Krycek asked. "No, a boxer! And when I'm rich and famous, I'll come back and bop you all to death!" Then CSM ran out of the room, crying. "BURN, BABY, BURN!!!" Mulder started screaming. He took away Krycek's blow torch and started burning all his porn magazines. Meanwhile, Scully has sat down on Skinner's couch, picking her nose and flicking her boogers at Krycek. "EWWWWW!! SCULLY!!" Krycek groaned. "Cut it out, I'm trying to watch Barney here!" "Barney?! I wanna watch Dawson's Creek!" Skinner grabbed the remote control. "Dawson is sooooooo hot!!" "GET LOST!!" Krycek yelled at Skinner. Skinner's bottom lip quivered and he bursted into tears. "He yelled at me!" Skinner curled up into a little ball and sucked his thumb. "He yelled at me!" "You people are all crazy. Hey, I know! I'll become a radio shrink!" Krycek said excitedly. He set up his own radio booth right there in the office. "Well, hello." A man appeared in the door way. "Richard Simmons?! Oh, I love you so much!" Skinner gushed. "I'm here to pick up my..." Then he said suavely, "fiancee." "Ooh!! Richie!!" Scully squealed and jumped into Richard Simmons' arms. "Baby!" "Today's topic, HBO's boxing after dark. This is it, folks." Krycek ignored Simmons and conducted his own little radio talk show. "CSM versus Oscar De La Hoya. WHO... WILL... WIN?" "Oscar! He's soooo adorable!" Skinner screamed like a little school girl. "If CSM wins, I'm leaving the FBI to become a tie salesman." Mulder declared. "...And we have the result. The new Heavy Weight Champion of the world is- CSM!" Krycek annouced. "He has done it! CSM is now the heavy weight champion!" "Nooooo!!!" Mulder screamed. He ran out and building and is never seen again. Fox Mulder will later become a legend at Wal-Mart for those young newbie employees: the only man to be able to sale Leonardo DiCaprio ties. "Well, my work here is done." Deep Throat shrugged. "I think I'll go become a stripper in Vegas now." And he did. "Oooh~ Richie!" Scully was still in Simmons' arms. "Let's go get married in Vegas! After we get married, we can go watch Deep Throat strip!" And they did. As for Skinner and Krycek? They are now happily married with 2 adopted kids. Krycek is now a successful radio talk show host. Skinner is now a housewife. His hobbies; sewing, dancing lambaba to Spanish music and changing the diapers on his children. THE END.