From: "Erin J. Vance" <ejvance@prodigy.net>
Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 18:20:26 -0400
Subject: Never Gave Up (1/1) by Erin Vance
Source: direct

Title:  Never Gave Up
Author:  Erin Vance
Classification:  MSR, V, A
Subject: Mulder/Scully
Rating: PG
Spoilers:  Up through DeadAlive...this story spins off after DeadAlive
into its own realm.
Summary:  Skinner helps Mulder come to terms with his detachment after
he's returned from the dead.
Disclaimer:  Not mine.  The X-Files belong to CC, 1013, and Fox TV.
Distribution/Archive:  Ask first, please.
Feedback: ejv813@hotmail.com
Date originally posted: 8/3/2001


Never Gave Up

by Erin Vance


"I just don't know where the hell I fit in right now.  I'm sorry."
Mulder averted his eyes again, knowing that he'd hurt her, but unable
to figure out how to make it better.

Scully stared at him for a second longer.  She knew that he had had a
hell of a time learning the details of his abduction, his death and
the baby.  It was understandable that he would feel out of sorts for a
while.  But she refused to lose him again...not after everything she'd
been through to get him back.

"Mulder, I want to give you time to work it out.  I prayed that you
would be returned to me, somehow.  And I'm so thankful that you were
returned.  I understand if it can't be 'to me' right now.  I'll wait.
You've had a lot thrown at you at once, and I'm sorry too."

Mulder looked up, but she had already turned away.  As she walked
through the office door, he heard her say, "I, uh, I have to go to the
bathroom.  I'll be back in a minute."

Dammit, he thought.  Mulder had heard the quiver in her voice, and he
knew that he had hurt her even more than he thought if she was close
to tears.  Dammit.  Why was he doing this to her, to himself, to them?
He loved her.  If possible, even more than when they'd last been
together.  So, why couldn't he just get past his own anger and reach
out to her?

As he was contemplating his choices, Assistant Director Skinner walked
into the office.  "Agent Mulder," he began, "what did you say to Agent
Scully just now?"

Skinner's words took Mulder by surprise, and he faltered. "What do you
mean, sir?"

"I mean, Agent Mulder, I just saw Scully hightail it into the ladies
room and she looked as though she'd been hit by a train.  So I wanna
know what you said to make her that upset."

Mulder's hackles rose anew at his superior's tone.  Why the hell
couldn't everybody just leave him alone? He thought.  It was none of
Skinner's business what went on between him and Scully, and in his
current state of mind, he resented any interference by their gruff
supervisor.

"What does it matter?" Mulder said.  "It seems I'm not sliding back
into my old skin as quickly as everyone would like, and I guess that
bothers her."

Skinner's scowl matched Mulder's as he moved to close the basement
office door.  He was unwilling to let Scully overhear his next words.
"Mulder, I'm going to tell you something because I think you need to
hear it, and because I think Scully deserves better from you right
now."

Mulder moved to stand up, but Skinner stalled him with an upraised
hand.  "I've gotten to know Scully a little better these last few
months, and she would never say this to you.  But you need to hear it
from someone."

Knowing that he wouldn't get anywhere by protesting, Mulder
acquiesced.  "What is it?"

Before speaking, Skinner took a deep breath, whether to fortify
himself or to ease into the story, Mulder couldn't say.  "Mulder,
after you were taken, I went to tell her.  I found out that she'd
collapsed and had been taken to the hospital.  I was worried,
especially considering the added stress my news was going to cause.
When I arrived, she already knew.  I guess one of your friends gave
her the news before I could.  At any rate, she laid there in that
hospital bed and listened while I confessed my guilt at losing you."

"Sir, you didn't lose me.  They were there to take me and nothing you
could've done would've made --."

"Agent Mulder, please.  I know.  But it didn't change the way I felt,
especially knowing that Scully had been depending on me to watch your
back."

Mulder nodded.  He, above all, understood the legacy guilt left on a
person's psyche.

Skinner continued.  "She was upset, of course, but you could actually
see her try to swallow her fear.  When I told her that I'd lost you,
her only words were, 'we'll find him.  I have to.'  And then she told
me why.  Agent Mulder, I was the first person that Scully told about
her pregnancy.  She asked me to keep it a secret and I agreed.  I was
as surprised as anyone, but I agreed to help her because I saw her
determination and I knew she needed to find you.  I also knew that if
the bureau found out, she'd have a hell of a time staying assigned to
your case.  So I kept my mouth shut...about a lot of things."

When Mulder said nothing, Skinner continued.  "I never asked Agent
Scully about the father of her baby.  I knew it was none of my
business.  My job was simply to protect them and to help her find you.
But I believe that you *do* know.  And while you sit here acting
churlish, I want you to think about two things.  First, you think
about Scully.  She's as lost about this as you are.  You seem to
forget that we all believed you were dead for three months.  She
thought she was going to have to raise that baby alone.  Now she
doesn't know what to think.  And secondly, think about the fact that,
in all the time you were gone, she never gave up on you.  That should
tell you something.  And if you can manage to get your head out of
your ass, you'll realize that she needs you now more than ever.  That
should give you some direction, at least."

A.D. Skinner looked relieved to have finished his lecture.  He also
looked slightly amazed that he'd managed to get through it all without
some serious daggers being thrown his way.

Just as Skinner was turning to leave, Mulder spoke up.  His words were
uttered quietly, almost to himself, but the hurt underlying them was
unmistakable.  "If she never gave up on me, sir, then why was I in the
ground for three months?  That seems pretty final to me."

Skinner turned back.  At first, he said nothing and Mulder studied the
letter-opener he'd absently picked up.  Finally, Skinner said,
"Mulder, if that's the basis of this difficulty you seem to be having
returning to the land of the living, then I think you should talk to
Scully about it.  But I can tell you one thing."

"What's that?"  The bitterness had re-entered Mulder's voice.

"When we found you, by all accounts, you were dead.  There were
eighteen agents out there, and none of them could find any signs of
life.  In fact, it seemed you'd been dead for days."

Mulder jumped in then, his words laced with anger.  "But Scully is a
doctor...a pathologist.  She should've been able to tell.  She
should've known."

Unabated, Skinner continued.  "That's just it, Mulder.  Scully refused
to believe you were.  She knelt down and touched your face and her
immediate reaction was to get help.  When no one moved to revive you,
she pushed her way through the crowd and ran...stumbling...through the
woods to find Jeremiah Smith.  She knew that he could heal you.  She
believed it so strongly that not even a small army of FBI agents could
hold her back.  But when she reached the cabin, she was too late.  She
saw the ship and when she went inside, Jeremiah Smith was gone."

Skinner paused, unsure of how to continue.  Mulder's face held the
first signs of hope mixed with the anger.  Seeing this, Skinner
decided to divulge more.  "When I arrived at the cabin behind her, she
was on her knees in the doorway, rocking back and forth in shock and
grief.  It terrified me, even more than finding you dead, because she
couldn't be coaxed from it.  She kept repeating the phrase, 'this is
not happening', as if the words themselves could bring you back to
life."

Mulder's eyes were bright with unshed tears.  He turned the
letter-opener over and over in his hands, apparently soothed by the
repetitive motion.  Slowly, he looked up at Skinner and said, "How was
she?  I mean, how did she deal with it?"

"With your being dead?  She withdrew.  First of all, she stayed in
that near-catatonic state for almost three days.  We were all afraid
for her.  Her mother told me that she refused to eat, and was
basically unresponsive to questions."

Mulder grimaced.  "I didn't know," he said.  "Do you know what made
her come out of it?"

Skinner nodded, although Mulder wasn't looking at him.  "On the day
before your funeral, she suddenly asked for you.  She said she needed
to see you.  Only then was her mother able to tell her what had
happened.  From that point on, Scully pushed everything down inside.
I don't know if she's talked to anyone about it, even now.  At your
funeral, I don't think she could accept what had happened.  She hadn't
seen your body since we found you, and I think a huge part of her
learned to compartmentalize, so that she could go on believing you
would return."

Mulder smiled wanly at the assistant director's words.  "Yeah, she's
always been pretty good at that."

Satisfied that he was getting through to Mulder, at least on the
surface, Skinner nodded.  "And I'll only tell you one more thing,
Agent Mulder.  Think about the fact that Scully kept your apartment,
and all your things, for you.  For three months, she paid rent on a
place that belonged to a dead man.  And if I didn't miss my mark
completely, she spent most nights there too.  Now what does that tell
you about her faith in you?"

Smiling now, Mulder simply shook his head.  "Thank you, sir."  He
meant to say more, something substantial, but the gravity of his own
foolishness was weighing heavily on him.  Under the burden, words
seemed inadequate.

"You're welcome, Agent Mulder.  But don't give me another reason to
ride your ass about this, okay?  Talk to Scully."  After firing this
parting shot, he left.

Mulder stared for another minute at the stupid letter-opener he'd been
fondling before he tossed it carelessly back onto his desk.  Where was
Scully?  He wondered.  She had gone to the bathroom, but that was
several minutes ago.

Pausing only long enough to readjust his tie, Mulder stood and headed
out the door in search of her.  Skinner was right.  Mulder had been
treating Scully like the enemy these last few days, in total disregard
of her feelings.  So what else was new? He thought, with more than a
trace of irony.

Standing outside the ladies room, Mulder hesitated.  Then, with a
shrug and no regard for the privacy of those within, Mulder pushed
open the door and stepped inside.

Scully stood alone at the sink, her shoulders slumped in weariness.
She was inspecting her face in the mirror, wiping at the tears that
continued to trek down her cheeks.  Not seeing Mulder, she squared her
frame and whispered to her reflection.  "Dammit, Dana, get yourself
together.  This is ridiculous.  You're stronger than this."

"Scully, you've been strong by yourself for too long.  Let me try and
be strong for you now."

Mulder's words, his very presence in the ladies room, startled Scully,
and she whipped around to face him.  She instinctively placed a
protective hand over her swollen abdomen, while her other went to the
edge of the counter to steady her.  "M-Mulder, what are you doing
here?  You can't be in here."

Smiling at her propriety, Mulder said, "Scully, I've been to the other
side.  The ladies room holds few surprises for me now."

"Well, why are you here?  I said I'd be out in a minute.  Is something
wrong?"  Although she'd wiped most of her tears away, traces of
moisture lingered.  They gave her face a bittersweet appearance under
the dim bathroom lights.

"Yeah, but that was ten minutes ago.  And I was starting to worry."
His lips were quirked in self-derision, but Scully failed to notice.
Her glance was aimed at his feet.

"I-I'm fine, Mulder.  I just need to wash up.  Go on.  I'll be right
out."

Her quick dismissal of his concern saddened him, but he plunged ahead.
"You're not fine, Scully, because I hurt you before.  I'm sorry.  I
wasn't thinking of you and I'm sorry."

His honesty surprised her and she looked up, finally meeting his eyes.
The repentant look she saw there caused fresh tears to well in hers.

Seeing them, Mulder stepped further into the bathroom.  He moved close
to her, invading her space as he always had, and reached down to wipe
the wetness from her cheeks.  "I've been selfish and cruel since I
woke up in that hospital, and I'm tired of it.  I've let you down.  I
didn't tell you why, but I want to now."

Barely able to speak past the lump in her throat, Scully choked out
the only words she could.  "But I understand, Mulder.  Or at least I
don't blame you for feeling disoriented."

"No, Scully, you can't understand."  To emphasize the point, Mulder
shook his head from side to side.  "I felt betrayed because I thought
you gave up on me.  I thought you let them put me in the ground
without even trying to resuscitate me.  I thought you could walk away
without asking why.  I even believed that you were probably better off
without me, and that made me angry."

Scully's eyes grew round again, her horror evident.  "My God, Mulder.
I didn't, I could never..." She faltered when she couldn't find the
right words.  With renewed vigor, she stammered out, "I can't even
begin to tell you what it meant to think you were dead.  It was..."

Mulder stopped her with a finger over her lips.  "Shh," he whispered.
"I was wrong.  I know now.  I'm still just a selfish bastard but I
know now and I'm sorry."

Scully's eyebrows furrowed with bewilderment.  "Mulder, what
happened?"

"I just got a much-needed kick in the ass by a mutual friend.  But I
should've realized it on my own.  I know you, Scully.  And I know
you'd never give up on me.  I did know.  I just had a little trouble
sifting through my own ignorance to see it, that's all."

Not quite satisfied, Scully said, "Mulder, I don't want you to feel
obligated to me or to anything.  That's why I'm willing to wait --."

Her well-rehearsed speech was cut off by Mulder's lips covering her
own.  As he kissed her, his thumbs moved in concentric circles over
her cheekbones, stimulating a part of her anatomy she'd never
considered erotic.

One of them, she wasn't quite sure which, whimpered with pleasure.
Craving more of him, Scully's lips parted and she drew him in.
Regardless of their surroundings, Scully tangled her fingers in his
hair, trying to reach every part of him at once.  She'd missed
this...she'd missed him...for far too long.  Her soul called out to
him and his answered in kind.

As Mulder continued to kiss Scully, his hands moved of their own
volition, first to her shoulders, then down her arms and the sides of
her breasts, and finally, to the curve of her belly.  He rubbed her
there, amazed by the firmness of her taut abdominal muscles.

Without warning, the door to the ladies room opened.  Startled apart,
Mulder and Scully turned to face a very surprised Holly Andrews.
Caught in the act, both agents' faces flushed to a matching scarlet.

Holly looked from Mulder to Scully and back, before settling on
Scully's protruding midsection.  Then, without a word, but with a smug
grin firmly in place, she continued on into the nearest stall.

Mulder looked down at Scully.  It was then that he saw the source of
Holly's amusement.  In their haste to appear unruffled, and by
extension, guilt-free, Mulder had instinctively placed his arms around
Scully in a protective gesture.  So the sight that had greeted Holly
was that of a pregnant woman being held in the cocoon of her lover's
arms.  Not exactly the guiltless look they had been hoping for.

Seeing this, Scully's face colored again, her embarrassment obvious.
But Mulder simply smiled.  He wasn't ashamed.  In fact, he was damn
near ecstatic.  It was the first time since he'd tried to step into
his old life that he'd felt anything other than anger or self-pity.

Leaning down again, Mulder kissed her briefly, before whispering,
"let's go, Scully.  I think we've put enough money in the automated
gossip machine for today, don't you?"

Almost as an afterthought, he moved close to her ear and said, "one
more thing.  I love you, Scully.  I just wanted to make sure that was
clear."

Eyes shining again, Scully reached up and ran her fingers through the
hair at his temples.  I love you, her lips said without sound.  Then,
they turned up into a radiant smile, heightened by the unshed tears
pooling in her eyes.  Reaching down, Mulder's fingers locked with hers
and he led her out of the bathroom.

Mulder had finally found his old skin.  It had some fresh scars, and
it was thicker than it had been before.  Mostly, though, he was
surprised at how well it still fit.  It fit together with hers...he'd
just needed to reach out.


The End :)

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