Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 21:28:41 GMT
From: tinawendel@my-deja.com
Subject: NEW: A Night To Forget by Christine Wendel

A Night To Forget
by Christine Wendel
<tina.wendel@gmx.de>

Disclaimer: As I`m sure you already know the characters don`t belong to me
but to CC, Fox and 1013. And that`s a good thing because I would have
never been able to make up such wonderful persons like Dana Scully and Fox
Mulder. 

Spoilers: <Millennium> is the first thing that comes to my mind. But I
think the story is somehow referring to all those episodes before and
after. I got a feeling it should be set somewhere in the middle of Season
7. 

Classification & Rating: This is not really a MSR-story, although it comes
very close to it. There is no sex and no words unsuitable for children.
Just emotions. - Well, maybe it is a MSR-story... 

Archive/Distribution: Anywhere as long as these headers stay attached

Author`s Notes:
This is my first attempt to write fanfic. - As it
is my first attempt to write a whole story in
English, so please excuse all those mistakes I'm
sure you`ll find while reading the following
story.
It`s been a week now that I've discovered this
wonderful world of fanfic. And it just took a
hold on me. I couldn`t help it. I had to start
writing, and this is how A Night To Forget was
born.
Now I'm posting the story, hoping that, by doing
so, I will be able to give something in return. -
In return for the wonderful times I've had
reading other X-Philes` stories. It`s good to
know you`re out there, folks. So hang on!

A Night To Forget

The room was dark and quiet. Scully was lying in
her bed, eyes closed. But she wasn`t asleep. She
wasn`t even though she should have been,
considering the late hour. 2:14 a.m. read the
clock at her bedside. Wasn`t it just a few
minutes ago that it had turned 1:00?
She took a deep breath and cuddled up in her
blankets as if she were cold. She struggled to
get those thoughts out of her head. Those
thoughts that had been hunting her for more than
five hours now. Since he had left her.
Her car had broken down two days ago. Perfect
timing, as always. She was lost without her car.
Or at least she *felt* like she was.
Then Mulder had stepped in. He had offered her to
pick her up in the morning and to drive her home
after work. And even though she at first hadn`t
intended to do so she finally had accepted his
offer. Yet she wished she hadn`t.
It was no good. It was no good spending too much
time with him in private. She had noticed it some
time before and now it was far too obvious to
deny it any longer. Working together was one
thing. Being partners. Professionals. She knew
how to deal with that. She knew how to deal with
*him*, as her partner, FBI Special Agent Fox
Mulder. They had been working together for seven
years now and they had become very close during
that time. They were friends and they knew each
other better than anyone. They had a way of
communicating without saying a word.
And yet their friendship was somehow *different*.
They spent a lot of time together, *most* of
their time - but not their free time. There was
always their work, all consuming and all
demanding. Sometimes she hated it. She hated how
it swallowed her private life. But she knew how
to deal with it.
She didn`t know how to deal with *this*, though.
He had brought her home tonight, just like the
night before. They had done some talking while
driving, *private* talking which was quite
unusual as they normally avoided private matters.
But somehow it just happened. And somehow they
had ended up in her apartment, sitting on the
couch, next to each other, leaving their work far
behind.
And this had been their mistake. Because now they
had had to face a completely different situation.
The two FBI agents had been gone, what had
remained had been two people knowing each other
for so long, so well, and yet suddenly feeling
like seeing each other for the first time.
She was sure he had felt that way, too. She knew
it. There had been a change at some point. She
couldn`t quite figure out where exactly, but she
remembered feeling strangely tense every time
their conversation had stopped for a moment and
she had felt his look upon her during the
following silence. She also remembered her heart
beating much too fast. *Much too fast...* She had
felt his presence, as physically as could be.
Even though they had been sitting inches apart
from each other she had felt his warmth, his body
next to hers as if these few inches between them
hadn`t existed at all.
It was no good.
They had somewhat hastily said good bye when the
tension between them had started to become
overwhelming. He had left her apartment, brushing
her arm in passing, and she had stood
electrified, watching him go.
She let out a low groan and turned in her bed.
She hated to feel this way. She didn`t want these
feelings. They scared her. More than she could
express in words. And she didn`t want to think
about them. She wanted to ignore them, just like
she had done it times and times before.
But it turned out that ignoring became harder
every time.
The phone rang. The sound made her wince and
chased her thoughts off. At least for a second.
*Mulder*. The word formed automatically within
her head. It couldn`t be anybody else on the
phone. It was just like him to call her in the
middle of the night. What would it be this time?
Another autopsy, too urgent to waste a single
second?
She sighed and reached out for the phone next to
her. "Scully", she said in a firm voice.
There was a moment of silence on the other end.
Then she heard a familiar voice: "Dana? Sorry to
wake you up."
This wasn`t Mulder, she realized in astonishment.
This was...- "Bill?" She sat up, suddenly
alarmed. "Is something wrong?" Something *was*
wrong. She could hear it in his voice. Something
was incredibly wrong.
"It`s Mom", Bill said, and Scully`s heart stopped
beating.
"There was a thief. She caught him in the living
room. He shot her."
Scully`s sight became blurred. She`s dead, she
thought in painful horror. Mom`s dead. She felt
like she was going to vomit.
"I thought you might want to come over to the
hospital", Bill continued. "She`s still in the
ER."
<Hospital>? <ER>? - *So she`s not dead*. Scully`s
relief was overwhelming - but not lasting. Her
fear was back almost immediately. She cleared her
throat. "What do the doctors say?" she asked.
"They can`t tell us much, yet." Bill`s voice was
almost expressionless. "But it doesn`t look too
good."
Scully swallowed but then she tightened
up. "Thanks for calling me", she said. "I`ll be
there in a few minutes."
She hung up and stared into the darkness for
endless seconds. She couldn`t believe it. It just
couldn`t be true. It just couldn`t be.
Suddenly she remembered Mulder. He would come to
pick her up in the morning. She needed to tell
him that she wouldn`t be home.
She picked up the phone again and dialled his
number. She expected his answering machine and
was surprised to have him on the phone in person
after only two rings. - So he was spending
another night on his couch again, probably not
sleeping. How did he manage this? Everybody had
to get some sleep some time. But then - Mulder
was not <everybody>. He was everything but
<everybody>.
"Mulder", she heard his voice. It sounded a
little rough.
"Mulder, it`s me."
"Scully, what`s up?" He seemed concerned. She
didn`t want him to be. She didn`t want to bother
him. She wanted him to get some sleep. - Why
didn`t he ever listen to her?
"I just wanted to tell you that you needn`t come
pick me up this morning", she said.
"Why not?"
She hesitated. But only for a second. "I`m going
to the hospital", she then explained. "My mother
was shot."
"Shot?" She could hear the disbelief in his
voice. "How?"
Scully shook her head. "I`ll explain to you
later, okay? I need to be going."
"You want me to drive you?"
The question took her by surprise. He really
wanted to come over and drive her to her mother
at two thirty in the morning? Why should he want
to do this?
*Because he`s my friend*, she thought and a warm
affection for him filled her. Yes, he was her
friend. The best friend she could ever wish for
and she would never, never in her whole life, do
anything to threaten this friendship. "No", she
said in a soft voice. "I`ll grab a taxi."
"You sure?"
"Yes."
There was a short time of silence and finally
Scully`s voice again: "See you tomorrow."
She was just about to hang up when his voice held
her back. "Scully?"
She paused. "Yeah?"
He seemed to search for the right words. "I`m
sure everything will be fine", he finally managed
to say.
"Thank you." Scully smiled. "Good night, Mulder."
She hung up, knowing that whatever would happen
there was one person that would always be there
for her. One person she could always turn to. It
was a good feeling, a comforting feeling. And it
somehow made the pain in her heart a little less
painful, took away a little of her greatest fear
and made the world just a little better than it
was.

XXXXX

They had stopped talking quite a while ago.
Scully stared at the naked white wall in front of
her and felt very alone. Even with Bill a her
side. Her brother and his little family were
staying at her mother`s house this week. Bill had
taken a few days off to celebrate Thanksgiving
together with the family in DC. Right now,
however, neither of them felt very much like
celebrating.
Tara was at home, taking care of baby Matthew.
Scully loved her little nephew although it always
made her a little sad to see him. Because his
sight reminded her of the brutal fact that she
would never have a baby of her own. Not after
what had been done to her. Looking at her non-
existing private life chances were more than slim
that, even if she hadn`t been infertile, she
would become pregnant in the near future. Being
honest to herself she didn`t even know if she
really wanted to. How would a baby possibly fit
in this crazy world she was living in?
But the knowledge alone that she couldn`t become
pregnant, that there was no way of it even if she
had wanted to, made her go crazy and caused her
bitter tears she didn`t quite manage to explain
to herself.
When she had learned about her infertility she
had started to think about her life. What it was
and what she wanted it to be like. It had been
painful because she had realized that she didn`t
really know what she wanted.
Earlier in her life there had been this vague
vision of herself being married to a nice man,
probably with two nice children, living in a nice
home surrounded by a nice picket fence. It had
seemed a nice vision at that time. But now...?
What about her work? After all and strangely
enough she loved her work. She didn`t believe she
could live without it. She couldn`t imagine not
entering this musty, chaotic and yet somehow
lovable office in the basement every morning. Not
hearing Mulder`s voice teasing her when she came
in. *Mulder*... It wasn`t her work she couldn`t
imagine living without, she suddenly realized. -
Not mainly.
It was Mulder.
He had become a part of her life and she felt
incomplete without him. It was almost terrifying
but it was true. And she knew he felt the same
about her. He had told her once. On this night in
the corridor in front of his apartment. This
night she didn`t allow herself to remember too
vividly.
<You made me a whole person.>...
She knew what he had meant. She knew because it
was exactly what she felt. She couldn`t live
without him - and yet she couldn`t live *with*
him. He wasn`t a man to live with. He wasn`t like
that. He was different. And difficult. And
sometimes really hard to bear. But she couldn`t
help feeling what she was feeling.
She couldn`t even wish that he wasn`t like that.
So different, so difficult, so hard to bear.
Because if he wasn`t he wouldn`t be the Mulder
she loved anymore. And she *did* love him.
It wasn`t the kind of love a <normal> woman felt
for her husband. But it definitely *was* some
kind of love. A deep, true kind of love she
couldn`t imagine ever to share with another
person. There was no doubt they belonged together
but sometimes Scully just couldn`t see how they
could be.
A nurse passed them by and Scully suddenly stood
up. "I`m going for a walk", she said.
Her brother looked at her and nodded. "I`ll be
waiting here."
She walked fast down the corridor. She couldn`t
stand it any longer. Sitting around doing
nothing. God, she was a doctor, and she couldn`t
do anything to save her mother.
She had talked briefly to a doctor when she had
arrived at the hospital. There hadn`t been much
he had been able to tell her. But the few things
she had come to know had scared her even more.
Bill had been right: It didn`t look too good.
Scully knew that her brother blamed himself for
what had happened. He and Tara had gone out,
leaving their mother in charge of Matthew. *If
only he had stayed at home...*
Scully wanted to tell him that it was all right,
that it wasn`t his fault. But she just couldn`t
find the strength. Not yet. She would tell him
later.
She reached the exit and stopped, suddenly
stunned, at the sight of a tall, dark man
entering the hospital. "Mulder", she finally
managed to say. "What are you doing here?"
He looked weary but a smile appeared on his face
when he turned to look at her. "I couldn`t
sleep", he said. "I felt lonely in my apartment,
so I came here to look for some company."
Scully smiled back. She was glad to see him.
For a long moment they just stared at one
another. Then Mulder asked softly: "How`s she
doing?"
Fear took grip of her again but she fought it
back. "She`s still in the ER", she said, trying
not to let her feelings show. "We don`t know
anything definite yet."
Mulder nodded and again they stood in silence for
a few seconds.
"I...I was just on my way out", Scully began
finally. "Get some fresh air. - You`d like to
come along?"
"Sure."
They walked out, side by side. It was cold.
Colder than Scully had expected it to be. She
shivered a little and wrapped her arms around her
body.
Mulder reacted at once and took off his jacket.
It was the black leather jacket that Scully liked
so much on him. "Here you go", he said, wrapping
the jacket around her shoulders.
She struggled a little. "No, Mulder. It`s okay.
I'm not cold."
"You`re shivering", he said in a tone that
tolerated no contradiction.
She gave up her resistance and cuddled up in his
jacket. It smelled good. It smelled of him.
They walked in silence and Scully realized in an
overwhelming flood of emotions how comforting it
was to have him here by her side.
"You wanna talk about it?" he asked some time,
and she lifted her head to look at him. "No", she
said softly. "Not now."
He accepted it without protest. He would wait.
And she would tell him. Soon.
Finally they returned to the hospital. Heading
towards the ER Scully had a vision of her brother
receiving her with bloodshot eyes. "They`ve done
all they could. But her injuries were too
serious." NO. She shook her head and chased the
vision off.
"She won`t let herself being beaten by some
bullet", Mulder said as if reading her mind. "If
I remember correctly the women in the Scully-
family have always been very headstrong."
Scully smiled at him. "Thanks for being here",
she whispered.
He nodded lightly. "Any time."
Her vision didn`t come true - thank God.
Bill was still sitting right where she had left
him, still waiting. At the sound of their steps
he lifted his head and a strange glow appeared in
his eyes when his look fell upon Mulder. He
didn`t like him. He never had. Scully knew he
blamed him for their sister`s death and for her
cancer.
Suddenly she felt very uneasy. The coolness with
which her brother sized Mulder up hurt her almost
physically.
Mulder was the one who finally broke the
silence. "Hello", he said, stepping forward
towards his partner`s brother. "Sorry about your
mother."
Bill nodded imperceptibly, still not giving up
his coolness.
"Any news?" Scully asked and Bill turned his head
to look at her. "No", he said. "Nothing at all."
"Well, at least this means no bad news."
They stood for a few seconds, then Scully noticed
she had still Mulder`s jacket on. She took it off
and handed it back to him. It was strange: She
almost felt naked without it.
They both sat down beside Bill, not saying a
word. Scully glanced at Mulder. He was biting his
lip like he always did when he was strained.
A nurse came and offered to bring some coffee but
all three of them refused. Time passed and still
there was no news from the ER. Scully`s tension
grew. Mulder seemed to feel it because suddenly
he reached out for her hand and squeezed it
lightly. "She`s gonna be fine", he whispered.
The nurse came back, still offering her coffee.
Scully refused again and the nurse pointed at
Mulder. "What about your husband?" she
asked. "Did he change his mind?"
"Oh, he`s not-", Scully started but stopped when
Mulder shook his head. "No. Thank you", he
said. "Still no coffee for me."
At that moment the doors of the ER swung open and
Scully caught her breath. The waiting was over.
She turned to Mulder, afraid to look at the
doctor`s face, afraid to see there what she
didn`t want to know. Their eyes linked and two
everlasting seconds it was as if they had become
one. Sharing the same thoughts, the same
emotions, the same fear.
Then Scully turned to Bill and finally - after
what seemed like an eternity - to the doctor. The
world stood still.
"How`s she doing?" Scully heard her brother`s
voice. It sounded very far away. *The expression
on the doctor`s face, what did it mean?* As hard
as she tried Scully couldn`t manage to figure it
out. *What was he going to say? Oh please, don`t
let him say...-*
"She`s fine", the doctor said and Scully felt
suddenly dizzy. "She`s going to *be* fine."
Silently Scully walked into her brother`s
embrace, closing her eyes.

XXXXX

"You look tired", Mulder said as they entered
Scully`s apartment.
"I am."
She switched on the lights and he turned to look
at the still open door. "Well, then I think I`d
better be going."
"No." Scully almost cried the word, regretting it
immediately. "No", she repeated more
softly. "That`s not what I wanted to indicate."
"So you want me to stay?"
She hesitated. "Well, unless you wanna go home,
of course", she said, suddenly feeling
guilty. "You look tired, too."
"I`m okay."
*Sure, what else had she expected him to say?*
He took a step forward to close the door, then
turned around to face her again. "All right", he
said with a slight grin. "Let`s party."
She smiled at him warmly, affectionately. "Would
you like a tea or something?" she asked.
He nodded. "Tea sounds good."
"Okay." She started for the kitchen, feeling
strangely tense. So here we go again, she
thought. Suddenly she wished she had let him go.
Why had she held him back? *Because she didn`t
want to be alone.* - No. Because she wanted to be
with *him*. Because she wanted him near her. Feel
his comforting presence. And the thought of how
badly she wanted this almost terrified her. Once
again she realized how much she needed him, how
much she depended on him. - She, who had secretly
sworn years ago never to depend on anybody.
"Can I lend you a hand?"
She turned at the unexpected sound of his voice,
feeling caught. He stood in the door, looking at
her, and for seconds she didn`t have the faintest
idea of what to say. "No, thank you", she finally
managed to reply. "I`m almost done here."
He nodded but didn`t turn away. Instead he moved
closer towards her, and her heart immediately
started racing. This is ridiculous, she told
herself harshly. This is Mulder you`re talking to
here. Your friend and partner. So stop behaving
like some stupid little schoolgirl.
She couldn`t. She couldn`t stop.
But she could pretend.
"So, Mulder", she started with studied
joviality. "Haven`t you got a nice partner?
Keeping you up all night?"
"Oh, I`ve gotten used to it over the years", he
said, taking up her tone.
She smiled, then turned to pour the tea. "There
you go", she said, holding one cup out to Mulder.
He took it and smiled back. "Thanks very much."
"You`re welcome."
They returned to the living room and sat down on
the couch. There was a long moment of silence
while they were just sitting side by side sipping
their tea. "I`m sorry about Bill", Scully finally
broke the silence.
Mulder lifted his head to look at her. "What
about Bill?" he asked.
"Well..." Scully struggled to find the right
words. "He doesn`t treat you too nicely, does he?
And I just...-"
"Oh, that`s okay", Mulder said, interrupting
her. "Really, it is."
"No, it`s not." Scully`s voice had become a
little louder. "He shouldn`t treat you like that.
He has no reason to do so."
"I don`t know", Mulder said quietly. There was
something in his eyes Scully couldn`t quite
manage to interpret. He seemed thoughtful
and...yes - guilty. "He probably has every
reason."
Scully looked at him, irritated. "What do you
mean?"
"I`m not stupid, Scully", he said. "I know what
you go through with me. - We both know."
"Mulder...-" she started but he cut her
off. "Scully, I...I know that, sometimes, it
might seem as if I didn`t care. But I do. I do
care a lot."
"I know, Mulder." Her voice was soft, almost
tender. And suddenly she felt her eyes burning
and for one horrified second she thought her
emotions would just wash her away.
They didn`t. But she couldn`t help reaching out
for his hand, and somehow their fingers ended up
entwined.
They didn`t speak a word. Just sat there, feeling
the other one`s nearness, drawing strength from
it. Years seemed to pass.
Then, somewhere in this everlasting night, Scully
felt her eyelids become heavy and without really
knowing what she was doing she rested her head on
Mulder`s shoulder. It felt warm and comforting
and she closed her eyes. Something touched her on
top of her head and for a second she wondered if
it were his lips. He stroke her hair gently, then
suddenly pulled away. "You`re tired", he
said. "You should go get some sleep."
Scully opened her eyes, already missing his
touch. Her head was spinning around but she
regained control over herself almost at
once. "That`s usually my line to say to *you*",
she said, a faint smile on her lips.
He chuckled silently, then stroke her hair once
again for one last time before standing up. "I`m
going home."
That was the last thing she wanted him to do. But
somehow she couldn`t find the heart to tell him.
And so she just nodded and got up to stand next
to him. Together they walked over to the door but
didn`t yet open it. There was silence again. He
looked down on her with eyes so tender it cut
straight through her heart. *What the hell was
going on here?*
The cognition came to her like a shock and she
backed away, if only for imperceptible inches.
No, she thought with torment. Please don`t do
this to me. Don`t you know how much you hurt me
with this?
She wanted to cry out to him. To tell him to
please stop.
But she couldn`t. She just stood there, unable to
move. And looking into his eyes she knew that it
hurt him, too.
- And that neither of them had the strength to
stop.
Slowly, very slowly, his face moved closer. And
suddenly the world shrank until there was nothing
left but his big, dark eyes that wouldn`t let her
go. He pressed his lips lightly against hers,
just like he had done on New Year`s Eve. And just
like then she felt her body tremble at his touch.
Felt the warmth of his skin, tasted his breath.
She wanted to wrap her arms around him, holding
him tight to her body to stop it from trembling.
But she didn`t dare to move. And then it was over
and something inside her was about to break.
- She wouldn`t let it. She could stand this. She
was fine. Just fine.
"Good night, Scully", he whispered, and these
three words brought her back to life. She looked
at him, trying to smile but failing
miserably. "Good night, Mulder."
Two more seconds he remained motionless,
returning her look. Before the spell broke and he
abruptly turned away from her.
This time she would let him go.
He walked through the door, leaving her with
emotions and memories she couldn`t allow herself
to keep. - Leaving her with yet another night to
forget.

END




Please e-mail me. Tell me what you think.
I`d really appreciate your feedback!
tina.wendel@gmx.de