From: FirePhile Date: 05 May 2002 12:28:45 GMT Subject: NEW: "No Sun Shining Through" (1/1) by FirePhile Source: atxc Title: No Sun Shining Through Author: FirePhile (FirePhile@aol.com) Spoilers: William Category: VA Archive: Anywhere, just tell me. Summary: A few snippets of a post-William life. Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to 1013&Co, FOX, etc. This one's for Clair. "The leaves have turned and she has known. And she tells me she can't let him go. And she looks to the moon for answers. And she looks inside and she knows." -Heather Nova Scully's apartment, always quiet, was now claustrophobically silent and the loneliness threatened to swallow her whole. She stood in the doorway of the room and looked at the empty crib, the abandoned mobile, and the floor that months ago she'd cleaned on her hands and knees scrubbing until her arms ached. Her colleagues never questioned why the picture was gone from her desk or why she didn't have to rush home so early anymore. She farmed herself out to open cases, her expertise was well known, they were happy to have her help. She still slept with the baby monitor near her bed and refused to turn the nursery into something else. It was three weeks since she saw her son. Yesterday, she found herself absent mindedly tearing a picture to shreds. The day before that she ripped pages out of diaries she hadn't read in years, the night before that she started a fire and thought about throwing the files into it. She let the answering machine pick-up calls. Her mom called every day, begging to be let into her thoughts. The adoption agency suggested a support group for women like her. She stopped going down to the X-Files office and took his badge and nameplate and put both at the bottom of a trunk. In the same trunk she put baby blankets, a doll, and her cross. She locked it and pushed it to the back of her closet. Then placed large medical books on top as if afraid something would jump out and attack her. At night she paced in front of her couch, avoiding sleep as long as possible. Her refrigerator was bare. Sometimes her phone rang and there was no message. She spent a long time staring at herself in the mirror, remembering how her baby would try to grasp onto her hair. Searching for the woman she was, she only found her remains. She refused to cry anymore about her life or others. Students whispered that she was different, one admitted that the cold methodical way she talked about the body scared him. A secretary brought in her toddler one day. She left early. In her car, she wondered if the world would be better if she swerved into the railing. Yesterday, she wrote the email that she'd been dreading and prayed it never reached him. She checked her email every five minutes for a "fatal error" message. Days ago, she saved a man from being robbed and couldn't stop punching the robber. She broke a nail on his skin. Cleaning her hands she watched the blood go down the drain and wished it was her own. She went to church one last time to pray for her baby's safety. She searched her apartment for listening devices and was disappointed when she couldn't find any; it meant she really was alone. They'd even left her. Last weekend, she drove down to North Carolina and sat in front of a grave. "I understand you," she said to a dead woman. "I know what choice you made and I understand. We share that now." She got drunk in a hotel room off the interstate and used a cheap bottle of hair dye. The fumes stung her eyes but she welcomed the feeling. Drove back but not to her home and stopped in front of a house. Doggett opened the door and saw her bloodshot eyes and newly dyed dark hair. "If you knew that giving him away could have saved him, would you have?" She asked, tears starting to well in her eyes. He didn't have to ask who. "To save himI would have done anything." "I miss my baby so much." "You did what you had to do." "He'll never forgive me. He'll never understandI'm what I feared." "What?" "Alone and broken" He laid his hand against her shoulder. "You're not alone." "The thing isI'm not even sure he was mine. Part of me was afraid of him, but I loved him, I loved him so muchand I've let him go." Tears streamed down her face and she wiped them with the back of her hand. "They weren't going to stop. You saw that man as well as I did -- and even though I don't believe this alien crap you and I both know your son was in danger." "How can you forgive me so easily?" "There's nothin' to forgive. You have to forgive yourself." "I don't think I can." An hour ago she stared at her gun with longing, and wondered if suicide really was painless. Her phone rang and she slipped down to the floor and stared into the dark room. "Scully? I got your message. We need to talk. I'll try you later." A tight fist was around her heart and squeezing. At the sound of his voice she felt nauseous. She didn't want to talk. She wanted her life back. She suddenly realized it wasn't only herself that she could not forgive. END Author's notes: I read a very interesting story set in the future that ended with Mulder telling Scully that he couldn't forgive her - it started me thinking. This is the result. "William" was a brilliant episode and the one this season that I can't quite get out of my head. My friend asked for a happy ending, but I couldn't even contemplate one. This was the hardest story to title I've ever written, nothing seemed to really fit. I'm not sure the title I chose does. The title is from the song "Unforgiven II" by Metallica. Please send all feedback to firephile@aol.com