From math.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.ycc.yale.edu!yale!news-mail-gateway!daemon Mon Aug 5 09:07:04 1996 Article: 22410 of alt.tv.x-files.creative Path: math.ohio-state.edu!cs.utexas.edu!howland.reson.ans.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!news.ycc.yale.edu!yale!news-mail-gateway!daemon From: Gil Trevizo Newscroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: No Surrender - Shortstory (fwd) by Humbuggie/Y.H. Spooky San Date: 4 Aug 1996 19:15:40 -0400 Organization: Yale CS Mail/News Gateway Lines: 288 Sender: daemon@cs.yale.edu Message-ID: <19960804191534.aaaa002yK@babyblue.cs.yale.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: babyblue.cs.yale.edu Status: RO I DID NOT WRITE THIS - I am the administrator for the x-files-fanfic=20 mailing list and am posting this story for a subscriber. For information on the mailing list, go to http://mail.utep.edu/~trevizo/x-files. Please do not send comments for the author to me -- send them to=20 (san@NET4ALL.BE). You may direct requests for missing parts to me though. ______ / __ __ \ ( (__) (__) ) -------Ҥ-------]]]--------------------------------------- Okay, you readers out there,=20 It has been a long time since you heard from me. Doesn't mean I've stopped= writing=20 though, but things have been going on which took the better of me. I wrote= this=20 story about a week ago. It is nou an X-Fi,es-Fanfic-story, but I tko+ the= -"! liberty of posting it here anyway because it has helped me sort things out,= and it=20 has helped some other people too. Perhaps it can help you. San. Disclaimer : I'm afraid the one character in this story is all mine - in th= e=20 largest sense of the way. No Surrender by Humbuggie/Y.H. Spooky San Lying in a room of darkness, staring into blackness, the world seems differ= ent. =20 Talking to a room of people - waiting for them to respond - to react - to h= elp -=20 the world seems at peace. They react, yet nothing happens. They respond, = they=20 help - yet they don=92t help at all lying in that room of darkness, staring at darkness in itself, the wo= rld=20 turns back to that dark place in which darkness is dark and whiteness is go= ne. =20 Still waiting for someone - something to disturb the darkness - still waiti= ng for=20 that one word that can stop the future.. Still looking. Hardly remembering the words of others - stuffed up with pain relieving md= ication,=20 sedatives. Sleeplessness, darkness, disturbance of peace, worked up, tired,= =20 coQus. Blank mind - blackouts. Out of control - freaked out. Tired of= =20 fighting the demons of the past - tired of fighting the devil within. Years of fighting - years of battling. Years of struggling`demons from the= past -=20 given by =91caring=92 parents, brothers, sisters. Years that make you reaj= ise that=20 there never was a battle - never was a fight. There never was!a chance. I= t=20 started so early - it ended too early; Words from the past put in a way they can=92t be ignored - things they say = - things=20 they do. Trying to free yourself, trying to stop the demons within. Demon= s=20 created by others - demons created by yourself; No selfconfidence, nothing to put your back against. Just empty empty dark= ness and=20 nothing to look out for. Years and years of fighting - years and years of= =20 struggling. Years and years of loosing; When was the first time you start thinking about death ? You can=92t even = member.=20 8 ? 10 ? 12 yeaMs o 16, 17, 18 years old ? You don=92t even recal= l it. It=20 has always been there - lurg in the back as darkness falls. =91Happy=92 during the days - bright, positive. Friends at school, friends= at (ome -=20 but no one to scare away the loneliness within. Darkness lurks - and you a= re=20 frightened fro- it. It is the enemy. Still chased by family, still wanting them$to love you % still hn urge vor = their=20 love. Still wanting them to show you how much they love you. They don=92t= . A turning point in life. Death suddenly isn=92t an enemy anymore. It stil= l follows=20 you - still lurks behind the corner - but it isn=92t the enemy. It is a co= mpanion. =20 It is your friend. You think about it every day. It follows you wherever = you go.=20 School, work, classes, home. Every time something happens, you think : It= =92s okay,=20 I can handle it. Otherwise there is always death. Death is your friend. It helps you escape the claws of your family, the sense of pain, the fear f= or=20 living. =20 You think about it - it accompanies you. You sense it - it helps you to su= rvive. You have seen its face before. You know what to expect. It is your friend= . Your=20 companion. The one you seek. You grow older, problems change - life turns for the better. Life turns fo= r the=20 worse. Up and down, up and down. You get the sense of =91death=92 again, = but you=20 don=92t give in. The sense is not strong enough, and you refuse it to grow= stronger. You change. Your life changes. You find the strength to fight your family= . =20 Finally you do. You move out, you think you are safe. But you aren=92t. = Their=20 influence on you is large, depresses you, destroys you. Death is lurking. = But you=20 fight back. You always do. Years pass. Up and down, up and down. You change jobs, you are happy. Yo= u find=20 new friends - good friends all over the world. You are respected, you are = loved -=20 you feel loved. You feel good with the world, with yourself. You feel lik= e=20 nothing can go wrong. You fly high. You rave on clouds of happiness. For= the=20 first time in your life you feel like you are happy. You have a good job, = good=20 colleges, good friends. But somewhere in the back is that family of yours = - and=20 death lurks. Then, how does it start ? You don=92t even know. Too many hours - too man= y stress.=20 Your family stresses you out - your mother is there - waiting to spread he= r claws,=20 to wheel you back in. She watches your every move, even though you try to = keep her=20 in a distance. Her influence is strong - she has been there for so long. Death lurks and grows stronger. Work doesn=92t go that well anymore. You start having problems. Your heal= th is=20 giving in on the sense of stress. Family hates, family despises. You are = not=20 respected, you don=92t feel loved. You just want to be loved - you want th= em to=20 care. But they don=92t care for you like they do for your brothers, for yo= ur sister.=20 You are lonely - despite your friends, despite your happiness. Death come= s back.=20 It haunts you in your dreams. It says :=92Hey ! I=92m still here. Rememb= er me ?=92 You start to think about it again. You feel it=92s close. You start to se= e it as a=20 way out again, especially when things turn real bad. Real real bad. =20 It=92ll get better you think. You=92ve got friends, you love them deeply. = You feel=20 loved. But they are out there, and you are here. The days are filled, the= nights=20 are lonely. Things start turning for the worse. Your health is bad - you don=92t want = any more=20 pain. You get problems - your family causes trouble; =20 Then suddenly, you find a way out. You start believing in a new future. A= way from=20 your family, away from the country you grew up in. Friends. They help you= and you=20 wonder why. They take care of you, talk to you - and you doubt their inten= tions as=20 you doubt your self esteem. You are not used to being loved. You sense it= as=20 something new. And you doubt. Things are even worse. You loose your job. But freedom is waiting - just = one and=20 a half month left. You hang on. Things are real bad. You try to finish it. You don=92t. You write notes,= try to=20 explain your friends. You are not able to send them, you can=92t reach any= of them.=20 You drive into town - miles on a cold and chilling summer=92s night not to= be alone.=20 You get help. But depression lurks and death waits. State of health. It=92s something strange. You collapse, you need help. = You think=20 you can handle it. You think you can face it. And things are bad. Death = lurks. =20 Death waits. =20 You feel yourself loosing control. You thought you could face it all. But= you=20 cannot. You loose control. You panic. You need help. Death=92s grip on = you grows.=20 You talk to people, to your friends. You get new friends - new people to = love you=20 - and you are loved. But you don=92t feel it. You don=92t accept it. You= =92re not used=20 to it. It=92s new, unknown, and strange. Oh so strange. Death lurks. Now you have come to terms with it; While writing it down so people can re= ad it,=20 you think you have excepted it. That you are ready to go. But while you a= re going=20 you feel you are not. You don=92t know what you=92re doing anymore. New medication which helps y= ou face the=20 physical pain. But it destroys your state of mind and you are out of contr= ol. You=20 seek help by the friend that gave you everything. You wonder why he helps = you,=20 you doubt his feelings. You are not used to unconditioned friendship, and = you=20 wonder.=20 Start feeling strange. Too much medication, too much stress - too much goi= ng on to=20 face it completely. You know chances of survival are decreasing. You don= =92t sleep=20 anymore. You are filled with energy. Full of life one time, depressed and= down=20 the next. Up and down, up and down. Death lurks. Others sense it too. They feel it as they talk to you. You don=92t dare t= o stop =20 talking to them. You know it will destroy you. They talk to you and you d= on=92t=20 even remember it. You feel their love and friendship yet it is pushed back= against=20 the sense of death. You think you can win, yet you are loosing. Another day without sleep - 3 days in a row. You feel energetic, ready to = do some=20 action. You have friends, you are relieved - yet death lurks behind the se= nse of=20 love. And you are angry.=20 You are angry because people care - you feel mad because you=92re feeling g= uilty. =20 You want to give in, but you don=92t. Three - four days without sleep. 5 hours in 72 hours. You are dead beat, = yet you=20 cannot sleep. You want to loosen up yet you can=92t. For death lurks. =20 Another month - a month to survive. You don=92t think you will make it. B= ut your=20 friends are there and they won=92t let go. They are everywhere and won=92t= let go. =20 Death is lurking - yet pushed a way just a little bit. You think about the way out - the day you will break with your family. Tha= t keeps=20 you going. You think with a warm sense of the people who care for you - bu= t you=20 are afraid. You=92re afraid to push them away. You=92re tired of being de= pressed. =20 You want to snap out of it. You will snap out of it. Take a decision. Write everything down. See it as a farewell. Not to the= world,=20 but to the sense of depression. Consider it a new beginning. Start all ov= er=20 again. Count down the days - one day at a time. Tell it to your friends, l= et them=20 know that you are winning. They care too much to let it pass. They read. = They=20 understand. And you know you are winning. Another month before freedom. Another month before you will be freed from = her=20 claws. Claws of mother, claws of death. They both lurk - you both push the= m away.=20 You will make it. You have to make it. Still not sleeping - still worked up; Still waiting for a way to release t= he=20 stress. But things are better than the day before, and will be even better= =20 tomorrow. Just hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Another month. One month before freedom. One month before starting a whol= e new=20 life. You have a special friend who helps you. He calls himself your brot= her. =20 He=92s the brother you never had. He takes you in, takes care of you. And= you=20 finally start to realise that everyone needs to be loved. That everyone has= the=20 right to love. Slowly but firmly the shadows are leaving you. They are still there, lurki= ng=20 around the corner. Their claws are still firm and strong. You struggle to= get=20 out. You will get out. No surrender. San.