From: CathyLex Date: 15 Nov 1998 19:39:17 GMT Subject: Not Available on Video 1/1 by Erin (c) NEW: Not Available on Video 1/1 Author: Erin (c) Rating: PG-13 for language Category: VA (short and bitter) Spoilers: movie/The Beginning; companion piece to "Want Ads" Disclaimer: The characters mentioned herein are the intellectual property of 1013 Productions, Chris Carter, and the Fox Network. No commercial gain or other harm is intended. Archiving: Gossamer, yes. All others, please email for permission. Summary: This is one confuuuuuused man... Thanks: ...which I why I initially balked at writing a companion piece to "Want Ads," but with a little bit of challenge and encouragement from two new friends, I threw something together. So, thanks to Micki & Jen, for both talking me into it and for letting me off the smut-hook. ; ) Feedback: You'd better. To CathyLex@aol.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I can be one easily swayed, self-centered, self-defensive, oblivious bastard sometimes. I know that. She knows that. We both know that. I just don't realize *how* easily swayed, self-centered, self-defensive and oblivious I can be until after the damage is done and it's too late. She doesn't even know she's the first woman I've chased. I've been left more times than my ego cares to recount, but I never gave chase except for her. I've always exhibited a clear pattern: they would leave, I would wallow in self-pity and bury myself in work -- in chasing a little girl who left me when I was barely even old enough to jerk off. That was it. Such was my MO. Sometimes it was the looming work itself that chased them away. With the exception of the mind games, whatever I would have missed from those women could have been substituted, if not wholly replaced, thanks to the modern miracle of the Adult Bookstore. What Scully gives me I can't find on tape. I treat her like shit, and that's mostly because if I'd stop long enough to think for once, I'd realize exactly what an asshole I am. I know it's not her fault she didn't corroborate my story to OPR. It's my fault for acting on the assumption that she would have, for presuming that she *should* have. I should know better by now. I should know *her* better by now. But I only see this stuff when I'm being honest with myself, and I'm never honest with myself. I insulted her when I should have been taking notes. I can be so damned oblivious. I want her to need me the way I need her. I *need* her to chase me, to make me feel missed when I "ditch" her and leave her for other women. God, I can be such a self-centered son of a bitch. I need her to back me up, because it gives me the sensation that she needs me. But she doesn't. She doesn't need me, not the way I need her. That hurts worse than if she just left me, her not needing me. Correction: she only needs me to breathe the life back into her when she's dying by virtue of association with me. If not for me, she'd be happy, healthy and safe, married to one of her brother's nice burly Navy friends, driving their kids to soccer practice and their golden retriever to the vet in a dark blue minivan. Scully with kids. My stomach churns just thinking about all the opportunities stolen from her just because she backs me up. Okay, so maybe I've saved her from the fate of minivan ownership, but for what? God, I want her safety more than I want her for myself. Damn Them. I can't give her either. And she keeps coming after me -- even after all I do, consciously and otherwise, to chase her away from me. But she stays. She keeps chasing me, too. What the hell is wrong with her? I know this is her fight now, not just mine. Maybe I'm thinking if I take it back from her and make it all mine again, she'll finally give up and leave me and go looking for that husband and that minivan. She'll finally be safe from me, and I won't try to stop her from leaving this time because... because... Who am I kidding? Somebody has to save her from the clutches of the minivan. She wasn't forcing me to choose. She never would. Other women assume I will trust them, then they leave me. Scully is not other women. She comes after me with proof of her faithfulness. Undeniable proof. It's a scientific fact I should never doubt her. I should know that by now. But I was never good at science. I'm too easily swayed by what I think I see. She deserves someone who can offer her proof of his faithfulness in return. Why the hell do I do everything in my power *not* to lose her, and then just shove her away from me? Because I'm one easily swayed, self-centered, self-defensive, oblivious bastard. That's why. I know that. She knows that. And if I lose that -- her knowing me the way she does, her never giving up on me even when by all rights she should -- I can't hit rewind and get it back. Someone else has the remote control. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ END 1/1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Visit The Basement Office:http://members.xoom.com/galias/erin.htm "I just want to be taken away to some place where I don't have to worry about finding a job." XPFC