From: "Jason Coutts" Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 19:11:53 +1100 Subject: Not the Right Time (1/1) by Rhasa Source: xff Title: Not the Right Time Author: Rhasa Category: Mulder/Scully Romance Angst Rating: PG Spoilers: None Summary: Mulder and Scully discuss redefining their relationship after an unexpected event. Copyright Disclaimer: The following characters are the creation and possession of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the FOX network. They are used without permission with much gratitude and respect. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made from this story. Archive: O.K to archive anywhere as long as you ask me first, don't earn a dime from it and keep my name and disclaimer on it. Author's note: I have to thank Moose for all of his love and support. Apart from graciously allowing me to have computer time to *knock this one up* he told me to "go for it". Needless to say I really, really need feedback so I can determine whether or not to continue or to just wither up, crawl back into my shell and to ultimately die. As you can tell flames will be soul destroying for me so if you have any at least write them in a really really nice way. All mail will be answered and you can reach me at Rhasa4@yahoo.com NOT THE RIGHT TIME by Rhasa "Oh God, Mulder, I'm sorry." Scully was rapidly backing away from Mulder. Her hand raised to her lips. A look of complete and utter shock etched on her face, her eyes wide and full of fear. Her heart was beating wildly and threatened to leap right out of her chest while she stood in her living room. Her lungs struggled for breath as she fought to control her wracking gasps. For a brief instance she thought it was quite possible that she was going to die. She couldn't believe what she had just done. She couldn't believe that she had lost control like that. Her fingertips lightly ran across her lips gently soothing them. They were still burning moments later, still swollen from the kiss. A kiss that she had entirely herself to blame. A kiss that was full of desperation and relief. A kiss that was full of undeniable passion. Her eyes never left Mulder's. As she put a few more paces between them they searched his face for a reaction, secretly hoping to find forgiveness and understanding in his gaze. "I'm not," he replied simply as he moved to the rear of her couch. "I - I was... I was just glad to see you... I thought you were..." As she tried to find the right words, her mind raced back to the scene earlier in the day. Mulder's car found abandoned, spent casings on the front seat, and the blood... lots of blood. Great pools of blood on the seat, the floor, smears on the door and steering wheel. She had been filled with an indescribable fear after realising that his ditching her had resulted in the macabre scene that she had been forced to view. The knot that she had felt in her stomach as she was examining the forensic evidence of a murder now returned - only this time double in it's intensity. Mulder regarded her shock momentarily. He was still reeling from the after-effects of Scully's uncharacteristic display of affection. The electricity that coursed through his veins when she had first captured his mouth with hers had not yet dissipated. The spark that she had ignited deep within him was still surging throughout his body making him considerably light-headed. He swayed slightly on his feet as he ran a hand through his hair and across his jaw that was lined with stubble. Scully could hear the scratching noise that his caress made half way across the room. It had suddenly become very quiet. Her mind not trusting her mouth with words at that particular moment convinced her that silence was her best option for the time being. Mulder briefly considered what she had just said. Realising the emotions she must have felt on him entering her apartment in the middle of the night after her believing him to have been dead for the past twelve hours. His mind cast back to the expression on her face at that moment. He had begun to tell her that he was all right, that his informant had been killed and he had narrowly escaped. He remembered telling her these things as she had moved rapidly towards him, her face red and flushed from hours of crying. He remembered telling her these things as she held out her arms to him and he willingly and gratefully fell into her embrace. He remembered telling her these things as she had sobbed quietly into his chest, her hands caressing his back. He remembered telling her these things as she gently pulled back from him and took his face in her hands, slowly raising herself up to him... And now he remembered that all he had said had probably been lost on her. "You don't need to make any excuses Scully." A slight grin almost imperceptible swept across his face as Mulder's heart swelled. Despite the situation, despite his head telling him that her actions had been dictated by shock and grief and gratitude for him being alive, he now felt that he knew a truth. A truth that he had secretly been desiring for the past few years. Her head reeling, she realised that Mulder wasn't angry or upset with her; that there was something else underlying his composure. She had to fix this. The responsibility was hers. Although she had felt Mulder respond to her with an intensity that matched her own it was her fault that they were here at this moment. "I - I ah, just don't want you to think-" "Don't want me to think what, Scully?" he questioned. "I don't want you to think... I don't want you to think...." She was desperately trying to save them from a fate that she felt she wasn't ready to face - a fate that she wasn't even sure if Mulder had ever considered let alone wanted. "That you feel something for your partner?" he finished for her. As he watched her lower her gaze to the floor in a gesture of discomfort Mulder felt his defences rising. He knew in an instant what she was about to do. The momentary exultation that he had felt suddenly giving way to disbelief and anger. "I *do* feel something for my partner, Mulder. But it's not-" "Not what? Not what I think it is?" The anger was clearly evident in his voice. "You care for me as any partner would? You feel close to me in a professional-partner-kind-of-way? My well-being reflects on you as an Agent and on us as a team? And that, underlying our working relationship is a personal regard for one another that is completely justifiable, eventhough it is closer than other professionals may enjoy, purely because of the nature of our jobs as FBI Agents and the nature of our cases on the X-Files? Well I don't know if I'm buying it Scully, `cause I'm telling you, if any male partner had shown his concern for my welfare in the manner that you just did I'd be more than just a little surprised. I'd be afraid, very afraid." For a brief moment he had relished in the thought that she had finally let him into her heart. He had finally got her to chip away at the walls that she had used to safeguard herself from the rest of the world. He had briefly praised the powers that be that Scully had admitted her true feelings not only to him but to herself and in that brief moment, in the space of a heartbeat or two, he had hoped. He had hoped that there would be a future for them together now that Scully had shown him there could be. Now that it seemed the idea wasn't totally abhorrent to her by the way she acted. And then realising she was about to explain it all away, he felt it all come tumbling down. Now as she looked at him she knew she would have to make an admission to him to save him from the pain that he was obviously feeling. "I was going to say... I was going to say, that it's not the right time for us." "It's not the right time for us?" His eyes, as well as his voice, questioned her. Slowly she made her way to the couch, her body suddenly feeling extremely heavy. As he watched, she motioned for him to join her. When he took his place beside her she took a few deep breathes. Her heart finally steady, she was grateful that she had regained her control. Clasping her hands in front of her she began. "I can't deny that I have feelings for you Mulder, I think I just gave that away big time." She rewarded him with a slight smile as she became embarrassed for the first time this evening. "Mulder, we've enjoyed, and endured, a remarkable professional relationship for the past five years. What we've achieved together - the things we've seen..." Her eyes suddenly wide as her mind recalled their past five years as partners. "I've learnt a lot since I've been with you, Mulder, the important things; like the need for the truth, and what truly matters in life. I've discovered things about myself, as a professional and as an individual, my goals, my needs.... I feel a great many things for you both as a professional and as a friend. But the lines of professionalism have been blurred for us purely because of the nature of what we've done and what we do. I know..." She paused as if testing her belief in the statement that she was about to make. "I *do* know that you are the singularly most important person in my life and that sometimes it feels like it is you and I against the world." Taking another breath to steady herself she continued, "I don't know what I'm trying to say... I guess I want you to know just how important our *partnership* is to me. There is no one else that I would rather trust." she thought. She longed for him to understand what it was that she was trying to say. She prayed that the silent communication they shared would now serve her well and fill in the gaps so that Mulder would know her thoughts. She silently thanked him for remaining quiet while she spoke. He was giving her time, he wasn't pushing her to respond, and she was grateful. "I know that Scully, and I feel the same way." He nodded his head as he acknowledged her confession, agreeing with her sentiment. "Then you'd also have to know that the last thing I would want would be to jeopardise that relationship; to damage or destroy the most important thing to me in the world." "And you think that changing the nature of our relationship, redefining one aspect of what we have together would destroy what we already have?" Some part of him was dimly aware that he was challenging her. "Mulder, our partnership is my life." She raised her eyes to his. "I'm afraid...", she whispered the last part worried that with her admission Mulder might think less of her. "Afraid of what?" he asked, struggling with the knowledge that her fear concerned him as he raised a hand to gently cup her cheek. "Afraid of everything. Afraid of it all backfiring. Afraid that if we changed things it would ruin our quest. Afraid that it would be used against us. Afraid of the obsessiveness and possessiveness that would ultimately come out of a relationship like the one we'd have. Afraid of losing sight of the bigger picture, who we are and what we're searching for. And most of all afraid of the pain that would define this relationship." He broke away from her realising that a simple caress would not be enough to allay these types of fears. "Scully, are you saying that getting any closer to me would be more painful than it already is? May I remind you of everything you've already lost because of me-" She raised a hand in the air stopping what she knew would be another self-berating speech. "Mulder, don't. I don't want you thinking like that. I know you blame yourself for the things that have happened to me. But I'm just as much at fault. I made the choice to be there every step of the way in this whole saga." "Well how can you possibly lose anything else, Scully? They have taken everything from us. The only thing they haven't crushed is what we have between us and now before that goes any further you are going to do their work for them. How could it possibly be more painful if you deny what you really want?" He didn't seem to care that his voice had taken on a pleading tone. He only knew that he *had to* convince her not to throw this new found closeness away. A part of him knew that his survival depended on her embracing what he felt was the inevitable. They had been moving closer together since she had recovered from her illness. Had he really been thinking that it would always come down to this if either one of them had had the courage to make the first move? "Don't you see. I couldn't bare the pain of losing you," she said. The psychologist in Mulder immediately picked up on her repetition of the words "pain" and "losing". Her fear was undeniable but there was something else behind her words. The real source of her fear was bothering him. Suddenly he had a realisation, "What are you saying, Scully? Are you afraid that I'd reject you?" Her face remained totally blank. She knew he was expecting an answer, but she was totally incapable of providing him with one, afraid that her response would hurt him even more. "Scully, don't you know how I feel about you?" "No," she sighed. "No I don't Mulder. You've never told me." "I love you Scully. What we have means everything to me. Before I met you I had no life. I was existing but not living. I cared about no other living thing and even less of myself. My search was all that mattered and even that was purely for selfish reasons. I needed to end the search so I could rest... finally. Then I met you. Bit by bit you showed me there were things out there worth my time, people more than worthy of my attention. You, your family Scully, showed me that family life could be loving, supportive, kind and not cruel; that people could be there for one another. I didn't think that I'd ever be able to really care about anyone in my life again. But I care for you Scully. More than anything." He reached for her then. Wrapping his arms around her waist he tightened the embrace as she rested her cheek against his chest. She drew warmth from the close contact relishing the feel of his muscles underneath his T-shirt. For a moment she allowed herself the luxury of the feeling, and marvelled at how right and natural it appeared, but just as suddenly as she had found herself in his arms she began to pull away. "It's not enough," she whispered as she added guilt to the gambit of emotions she was feeling. Mulder stared at her incredulity. ""What else is there?" he asked. "There should be a lot more to it. It's not enough for you to love me if we are to have a closer relationship. You should be whole Mulder. We should be safe, free of this whole mess that entangles us and keeps us together. We should have closure. We need answers before we can get to a point that will signify the real truth for us. How do we know that we are not just together because there is no other way for us to be close to anyone ever again? It's not like we have the freedom to pursue anyone we choose while working on the X-Files." "Does it really matter why we are together, Scully?" "Yes it really does. You said it yourself when you told me about Ostlehoff in your apartment. *They* might have manufactured this whole thing from the very beginning. How do I know if they haven't in some sick colluded way manufactured what we have between us as well?" For a moment Mulder felt like laughing. He saw the absurdity of it all, the ridiculous notion that outside forces controlled every aspect of their lives, down to their very emotions, as if they were nothing more than a couple of lab rats. "Gee Scully, I didn't know someone was twisting your arm to like me." "Think about it. Might it not serve some purpose of theirs to have us redefine our relationship? Might they think that our new found preoccupation with one another would throw us off track? My illness was given to me, we can't deny that on some levels it brought us closer together. I realised when I was sick what I had been avoiding for a long time; that I had a love for you that was totally consuming. Then all of a sudden I'm in remission, given the chance to reflect on and claim those things in my life which I had let slip through my fingers. Think about it. How can I be sure that that wasn't part of their plan all along?" And then suddenly Mulder realised the truth behind what Scully was saying. The possibility that she was right filled him with anger. "We've been spun in so many different directions I understand your paranoia Scully. But for me, I don't want to think anymore. I just want to feel. For once in my life I want to put aside all of the analyses, to forget about the lies, the conspiracies, the deceptions and just feel what it's like to truly love someone and be loved by them. Allow myself that freedom. And it does mean letting my guard down. It does mean opening myself up. I'm afraid too Scully. But I'm more afraid of what a new relationship between us would let me feel than of those who would decide whether or not I should feel it." As she stared at him and absorbed his words she felt a new love for him that she had never felt before. He was accepting the challenge. He wasn't going to give in without a fight. And for the first time she acknowledged to herself that she really didn't want him to. Still, the ever practical Dana Scully simply stated," "It's dangerous." "I know," he told her. "There are risks." "And then there are risks" he grinned. "We could lose everything." "We could gain everything." A little laugh escaped from her throat. "Isn't this just like us? We both take opposing sides of an argument and try to persuade the other to our point of view." " Just answer me this, Scully. Are you trying to get me to persuade you or are you simply justifying your paranoia, your reluctance and ultimate refusal?" "I guess.... I'm trying to look at this from all sides. I'm trying to keep my eyes open. I just want to be aware of what I might be getting myself into." "My God," he gasped as another life shattering thought hit him. "I have hurt you haven't I?" "How have you hurt me, Mulder?" A look of confusion crossed her face. "I've taken the innocence that you had when I first met you and turned it into the paranoia that has defined my life." "My innocence? You make me sound like a virgin fresh out of highschool." "You used to be able to *feel*, Scully. The excitement you showed me when we were on our first case. The optimism and confidence you exhibited when you marched into my office for the first time. Now I'm worried that you don't allow yourself to *feel* anything anymore. You only allow yourself to *fear*." He didn't want to admit to himself that the barriers she had erected were all his fault, but found it hard to deny. It was because of him that she was forced to protect herself from the emotional onslaught that her job subjected her to. It had been his quest, his crusade. He had chose the cases, picked the leads, led the chase. Scully was along for the ride and it had cost her dearly. "I was naive Mulder. I've experienced so much since those early days-" "And look how much experience has cost you. Can you push past all that you have experienced in the last few years Scully? I know it's been necessary in our work to detach ourselves from what we do. I know that you have safeguarded yourself by pushing your feelings down. You've always been reluctant to reveal any of what you were feeling to me. I often wondered if you hid yourself because it was difficult being a female agent in a male dominated profession, but now I'm more inclined to think that you were too afraid to let yourself feel anything." "But I do *feel*, Mulder. They were *my* feelings that got us here to this point remember?" "Then go with them Scully. Those feelings of yours have surfaced for a reason. Forget about the rest of it; the *what if's*, the *where's* and *why's*. You have reason enough. I care for you and you care for me. Where I grew up teenagers needed less of a reason before they jumped into the back seat of their Dad's car down by the lake on a Saturday night." "We're not teenagers Mulder." "All the more reason to *redefine* our relationship. Neither of us is getting any younger." she thought. His joke made her feel comfortable. It was predictable, expected and welcomed, unlike the rest of the conversation that they had found themselves having on this night. As she looked at the man that sat before her she longed for an intimacy that could redefine her life. She craved love, the love between a man and a woman, and more than anything wanted to share that experience with her best friend, the one person that stood by her, cared for her and would make sacrifices for her. Still... Noticing her silence Mulder continued, "Look Scully, I know that you have doubts and that you're wondering if you can get past those to enjoy something new together. I know that your not flippant about the important decisions you have to make in your life. If you want a little time to think about this that's o.k., I'll understand. And if you decide that you don't want to risk what we have I'll understand that too. I can't say that I'd be all that happy about it, but I will understand. We can go on as we have been. We haven't stepped too far over the line. I care too much for you to push things. I can only hope...." his voice trailed off, determined not to press things, but wanting to plant the seed of hope in her mind. "You don't know how much what you just said means to me, Mulder. I want to be able to leap right in, to take what I want for myself, I really do. If my cancer taught me anything it was not to put things off for tomorrow may never come. But if what we currently have between us is all I'll ever know I'd still be happy. Anything more is a bonus." "Yeah, but what a bonus," he grinned. "I tell you what, I'm going to go home and get some sleep. I think we've both done enough talking for one night. We've waited so long, this can wait too. If you want to talk some more we can grab a bite to eat after work tomorrow or something like that." He reached his hand out to gently cup her face. He had said his piece. He now knew it was up to her, and while he wanted nothing more to once again take her in his arms and impress upon her his love and need for her, she knew that's not what she needed at this time. "Will you be o.k.?" he asked softly. She didn't miss the tenderness and concern in his voice. "I'll be fine Mulder." "Famous last words." He grabbed his jacket off the back of her couch. She couldn't help but notice that his movements were slow. Mental as well as physical exhaustion had taken its toll. As he moved to and opened the door he turned to her once again. She was deliberately keeping a safe distance from him, acutely aware that another opportunity was walking out the door. "Just do one thing for me Scully?" "What is that Mulder?" She arched an eyebrow. "Think about what I've said?" Think? Did he possibly imagine she'd be doing anything else after he had gone? "I love you Scully." And without waiting for a reply he closed the door behind him leaving Scully to her thoughts. THE END I would appreciate a line from anyone who might read this just to let me know that you bothered. Comments/requests to Rhasa4@yahoo.com Sequel? What does Scully decide ( as if we don't know) and how do they proceed with redefining their relationship? Look out for the next installment in the "Time" series titled "About Time".