From: "rudolf theoneandonly" Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 19:32:56 -0000 Subject: new story Source: direct This is my first fanfic. WQould u please let me know if you've received it? Thanks. Title: NOT YET Author: Rudolf E-mail -- theoneandonlyrudolf@hotmail.com Rating: PG at the most Disclaimer: These characters belong to CC and 1013, I just 'borrowed' them. Feedback: I'd love it! Archive: Sure! Just let me know and keep my name attached. Spoilers: post-TINH and DA possibly but no real spoilers. Keywords: "She wasn't ready. Not yet." He's gone. The thought had somehow slipped into her head. It wasn't supposed to be there. She had banished all such thoughts from her head a number of days ago. As far as she was concerned, they didn't exist. They were just words floating around in her head. They had no meaning. She had been telling herself this for a number of days now. It was what kept her going. She knew she would have to acknowledge them sooner or later. She opted for later. Once the numb feeling had left her body, once she could gather enough courage to crawl from underneath her blankets and face the world. But she wasn't ready. Not yet. She wouldn't let anyone come near her. She didn't want to be close to anyone ever again. She wouldn't let herself care for anyone else again. She'd just get hurt...she always got hurt. All the people she had loved had been taken from her, her father, her sister, Mulder... Why? What had she done? The thought had tormented her mind. She didn't want to go through the pain of losing a loved one ever again and so she locked herself away from everyone. Maybe in time it would be alright but not yet. Skinner had been around a number of times. She wouldn't let him in. He'd stand there in the corridor for ages and ages. Just waiting and talking to her. Sometimes he'd get mad at her and demand to be let in, other times he'd opt for the soft approach and talk to her gently, reassuring her, telling her they'd get through this but still she wouldn't let him in. She wouldn't see anyone...she couldn't see anyone. She didn't want to have any contact with the outside world that had robbed her of something so precious. She wasn't ready. Not yet. Doggett had called a number of times. This surprised her a bit. He had left messages on the answering machine telling her it would be okay. It would get better. How did he know? How did anyone know? Nobody understood her and what she was feeling. She just wanted to be left alone. She hadn't cried. She had spent days lying in bed just thinking. She wouldn't let herself think that he was gone. She knew he was she just wouldn't admit it. She had seen his body and had seen him buried. She had cried a lot then. After the funeral she had locked herself away, refusing to come out. Denying the truth. She'd come out soon but she wasn't ready right now. Not yet. When she returned to the office, she acted as though nothing had happened. She still wouldn't admit that he was gone. Other agents and personnel stared at her as she passed them in the corridors. She ignored them. Both Skinner and Doggett had tried to talk to her but she insisted she was fine. They knew they'd have to be patient with her. Scully drowned herself in work, updating the filing cabinet. She worked in contact with Mulder's things, his desk...he was all around her but she never acknowledged him, never mentioned his name when she spoke. She wasn't ready. Not yet. Skinner sat in his office with Doggett discussing a case. Scully hadn't been working on field cases. She sat at Mulder's desk writing. Skinner and Doggett stole glances towards her at times but she ignored them. She knew she was being unfair but she was afraid. Afraid of them, afraid that they'd bring up Mulder's name and she would be forced to talk about him, to remember him. She wasn't ready for that. Not yet. She opened the desk drawer to take out something. Lying there was his nameplate. Fox Mulder. She took it out and ran her finger along the surface. She missed him so much. She cradled it against her chest. He wasn't coming back. The thought was there again but this time she didn't ignore it. She let it sink in. He's not coming back. She couldn't ignore it anymore. She needed to scream, to vent out all this built up emotion. She stood up, immediately catching Skinner and Doggett's attention. She threw her arms across the desk pushing everything onto the floor. She yelled, " NOOOOOOOOO!" It wasn't like when she screamed after finding his body, this time she was angry. Angry with him for leaving her like this. She kicked the desk hard with her foot, ignoring the pain. She continued to scream. Doggett and Skinner had their arms around her, trying to calm her down, to make her stop. She lashed out at them trying to get free, "NO! NO! NO! LET GO! NOOOO!" she screamed trying to break free but they kept a firm grip on her. She continued to lash out until she broke free. She was still screaming. Doggett moved to close the door so as to shut off her screams. He didn't want the whole agency to come down and see her like this. Skinner yelled at her, "Stop it Scully! Don't do this to yourself." His eyes were full of pity for her but see didn't want it. He moved towards her to comfort her, "It'll be okay Scully," he whispered. She looked up at him, her yes wide and alert. She started to scream again, "It won't be okay. It'll never be okay! He's gone God damn it! He's never coming back. Ever!" She seemed to be yelling at herself and not Skinner. "He's dead!" she yelled. She stopped suddenly and said it again, "he's dead," this time quietly. "He's dead," she murmured. She sunk to the floor and leant her back against the desk. Doggett and Skinner exchanged worried glances. "I hurt..." she began quietly. Skinner and Doggett looked at her sharply. "I hurt..." she whispered again. Doggett knelt down beside her, "Where does it hurt Agent Scully?" he asked urgently. She leant her head back against the desk. Skinner knelt down too. "Dana, where does it hurt?" he asked. She whimpered slightly and leant her hand against the left side of her chest. "In here," she whispered. He looked at her sadly and whispered, "Oh Dana." She leant her head against his shoulder and cried. Doggett looked slightly uncomfortable but he took her hand and squeezed it tightly. She didn't pull away. They all sat for a small time. Scully raised her head and sniffed. "It'll be okay. I'll be fine." "You don't look okay Agent Scully," Doggett objected, "You don't have to be strong and brave all the time." She looked over at him, tears glittering in her eyes, "I don't have a choice anymore Agent Doggett, I have to be." She put her hand across her stomach. Doggett and Skinner nodded. She slowly got up and picked up Mulder's nameplate. She cradled it again and smiled through tears. Mulder had gone and she knew it but she wasn't ready to let go. Not yet.