From: Assling@aol.com Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 17:38:53 EDT Subject: Nothing to Lose (that was a Martin Lawerence Movie. Nobody messes Source: direct Title: Nothing to Lose (I think that was a Martin Lawerence Movie. Nobody Messes with Nick Beam!!!) Author: Mikey G. W. Spoilers: There's one but I'm too damn lazy to put it down. Heh heh. Rating: NC-17. Metaphorically speaking it is. But in real life it's PG-13 Keywords: Parody Summary: Mulder and Scully investigate pants disapearances in Baskin Robins. Disclaimer: Disclaim this, Carter! Subtitle: X-Files does not belong to me (DUH!) Four impatient youths stood around a counter at a fast food restraunt. "Man, what's taking so damn long? I placed my order like two hours ago." "Actually, you just got here." Said a person who takes people's orders. We'll call her Leslie. "You haven't actually placed your order and you have no pants on." "What the hell are you talking about?! I ordered a sandwhich like a long time ago." "No you didn't. I've been here longer. And anyway this place only serves ice cream." There was a long silence and a blank look on Tara's face (the chick with no pants.) "That's it. I want to see the manager!!!" "What?! Why?" Yelled Leslie "Do I have to show you my ass?!?!?!" Screamed Tara. "What are you talking about? I see your ass right now! You have no pants on, remember." "Hey, Tara," Yelled Tara's friend Jill. "are you going to stand there and take that?" "Yeah," Agreed another friend, Allison. "She's being a bitch. My mother wouldn't take that." "My grandma's a power ranger." Stated Kari. "That's it! It's go-time! You and me Shelia." Yelled Tara. "My name isn't Shelia. It's Leslie and I don't want to fight. Your scaring the hell out of me. I understand crap like this at Burger King, but this is Baskin Robins damn it! They said you had to wear pants here!" Suddenly the manager enters with Britney Spears head impaled on a stick. "Bri," Leslie said. "These kids are picking on me and scaring the bejesus out of me." "My Grandma scares the Bejesus out of me." Said Kari. "Who's Britney Spears?!?!?" Bri, the manager yelled suspicously, like she had something to hid. Hmmmm.... "Aaah, that person has no pants on! Where the hell are your pants?!" "I don't know!" Yelled Leslie. "Dont' know, eh? This sounds like a job for the FBI, man. An X-Files to be exact." Bri said while looking around paranoid. Just then Scully and Mulder came crashing through the doors. "Damn it , this child has no pants on. Geewillickers Scully, this looks like an X-file." "Mulder we've talked about this before. . . Your are not to say geewillickers anymore." Mulder suddenly slaps Tara's head back and starts examining her eyes with a flashlight he got from Skinner who came from nowhere. "Did . . . You. . . See. . .A bright light. . . When. . . They . . .Took your pants?" "No, but I see bright light from a man who I wish I had his pants." "Damn it, Dana!" Mulder yelled disgustedly as he threw down the flash light. "They already got to her." "Who and why are you calling me Dana?!" "They got to her! The same people who killed your dog." "I thought that was a giant alligator." Skinner said. "How would you know about that?" Scully asked. "Eh, I sleep with the writers." "Me, too!" Said a turtle. "My grandma sleep with the writers. That's how I got on the show." Said Kari. Which should have been obvious since she's the only one who talks about her grandma. "Well, Scully, it looks like you have an autopsy to do." "What?!?" Yelled Tara." "Mulder she's not dead!" Scully said. "I'll fix that." Mulder pulled out his gun and tried to shoot Tara but missed and hit Kari in the leg. "My grandma shot me in leg once." "Omigod Kari!" Jill yelled. "You have to go to a hospital." Just then George Clooney and David Spade ran in with a gurney with Julia Roberts sitting on it posing as a nurse. "Why is everyone talking about Britney Spears." Bri said. Hmmmm.... "I'll right, I need a gallon of rockie road, STAT." Yelled George Clooney. "Rockie Road?!?!? That could kill her!" David Spade Yelled. "I don't care, we've got to save her, I don't want to lose her like we lost Kenny." "Kenny?" Asked Scully. "Southpark." Skinner said. "Oooh, I love that movie. And that song Blame Canada and Mulder." "What?" Asked Mulder. "Oh, nothing, looo-ver." "Did you just call me lover." "No!" "Damn Julia Roberts, we're losing her." "Actually George, she hasn't even gotten on the table, and we're not doctors. David doesn't even play one on TV." Said Julia Roberts "Do I have to kill Richard Gere?!" George Clooney yelled. "Nooooo!" All the woman in the room yelled. "Then where the hell is my golf clubs?" Just then O.J. Simpson runs on and hands George Clooney a golf club and runs off. "Alright, a nine iron. Good let's go golfing." George Clooneyl, David Spade, and Julia Roberts walk off. "Scully, do know what this means!!!" Mulder asked. "We have to sleep together?" Scully asked hopefully. "No, I don't have to join the Army. And do you know why?" "Because we're secretly in love with each other?" "No," Mulder throws his hands in the air. "because they can't draft me if I'm in Canada!" There's a long silence in the room. "Sooooo, we're going to do it like they do on the Discovery Channel?" "No, this is FOX." Mulder said. "Actually this is a FanFic." Said a turtle. "Written by my grandma." Said you-know-who. "Whoa! Wait, a minute since when did this become a witch hunt?!? Who says one of us killed Britney Spears?" Hmmmm. . . . "Why is the FBI here? There's no crime and they're not even doing anything." Said Leslie. "That's not true!" Yelled Skinner. "While you weren't looking I spat in the chocolate chip cookie dough." "Damn, now I'm going to have to clean that out. . . . Unless no one else heard that. . . Heh heh heh heh." Suddenly a customer walks in. "Can I have some chocolate chip cookie dough?" "Surrrrrre. . . . " Leslie said Slyly. The customer got her ice cream, paid and left. There was a long silence. "While no one was looking I secretly stole Mulder's pants." Confessed Allison. Mulder who was checking out his ass in a spoon says: "I thought I felt extra loose." Mulder shook his ass. "Oh, great, I'm really going to sleep tonight." Whined Scully. "Does anyone else get the impression Scully wants something?" Asked Leslie. "YES!" Yelled every shipped in America. "Okay, that was weird." Said Leslie. Suddenly Elton John walks on. "Oh, my God" Yells Mulder. "it's Grammy award winning singer Elton John." Applause track and screaming is heard. "Hello everyone!" Elton John says. "Here, have a Grammy." He hands a Grammy to Mulder. "Can you sing Candle In The Wind '97?" Asked Skinner "Candle In The Wind!!! That's all I ever get! Well, I had a whole entire career before I sang that freakin' song. I had a bunch other hits like Piano Man!" "Didn't Billy Joel sing that?" Asked Leslie. "Billy Joel, Elton John, I get the two so mixed up!" "You get yourself mixed up with Billy Joel." Scully asked skeptically. "That's it! I'm leaving!" Elton Jonh screamed and he left. "My Grandma has a Grammy." "Mulder can we leave?" Scully asked "Why Scully? We've just now began to uncover the proof that we need to prove that we aren't as crazy as we appear to be!" Everyone stares blankly. "There's so much unsolved weird crap out there like: Crop Circles; why the bad guys in Star Wars have british accents when there's no Britan in outer space; Is there just tobacco in Smoking Man's Cigs? You, know what mean?; And why they call Martha Stewart's white sales, white. I don't If you guys have been there but they are quiet colorful; And what about Crop circles? "You already said crop circles." Reminded Leslie. "And why Kari talks about her grandma so much; Why pudding gets that film over it when you put in the fridge with no cover; why there's jello at chinese restraunts. . What really happened to Britney Spears. . . "Britney who, heh heh heh." "The truth is out there!" "If we leave now I'll give you a quickie in the bathroom." Scully offered. "Let's roll." Mulder said without hesistating. There was along silence before Tara screamed: "Oh . . My God! I'm not wearing any pants!" End The aftermath: They all got wasted in Vegas were they trashed a hotel room and stole a hippie van while the hippie was bogarting his dubee. Then when nobody was looking everybody took a puff of the wacky weed. Actually that whole sentence doesn't make sense. Dedicated to My loving friends, without whom I might have actually listened to my teacher when she gave the homework assignment. Any comments? Well, I really don't care! Wait, yes I do. Well, do I really care about anything? Yes, I care about television and pet turtle who was inspiration. Wait a minute I don't have a turtle. Then what in the hell was talking to me last night?!?!? What the hell, Wally? E-mail = Peterbradyismyfriend@yahoo.com. Britney Spears = Satan's bitch.