From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 19 Apr 2001 22:50:01 -0000
Subject: Now I know, so please don\'t make me say it - All things (1/1) by Kemariah

Reply To: kemariah@hotmail.com


Hy y'all, enjoy!
yours Kemariah

SPOILERS: Takes place after last scene on 'All Things'
SUMMARY: Scully shares a silent memory

Now I know

Loneliness has been the unbearable thing for me in a while. 
This loneliness has turned into emptiness...and now I know for 
certain that it wasn't just an emotion...it goes deeper than 
that. Now I know. 
I feel warm but deep inside I am freezing. So cold...a hot 
bath won't help. It just covers the pain that is left, covers 
my naked body that is bedded in hot water. My hand glides down 
my arm, down to my belly. It feels so good...so good to feel 
my own touch...my stomach...my belly...our baby. 
But I know as warm as my touch feels, it will never feel like 
his caress...and that makes me fear. I fear that I'll never be 
touched. That I'll never look into his faith-telling eyes 
which carry so much distance and vicinity.
I lightly graze along my stomach, grazing our baby and I 
smile.

When I opened my eyes I found myself lying on a smooth 
blanket. I recognized the scent of it. It was your scent. You 
glanced into my face when I sat up straighter.
"Had a good sleep?" 
Your voice sounded comforting...did you comfort me? I wished 
you did. A smile, yes I think it was a smile that flit over 
your face.
I was puzzled but realized that I was lying on the couch in 
your living room. 
"Yeah...I guess so."
Oh god, I really had spent the night lying on your couch...in 
your home. I must had fallen asleep...just asleep...after a 
long conversation.
"Mulder...", I started. You nestled down beside me, feeling my 
tear that suddenly rolled down my cheek. There was a sob, a 
silent sob.
"What is life for?"
I wished I could have stayed the night awake to just watch you 
sleep...to listen to your breaths as I did now. And I 
perceived that you understood me...understood my silent beg 
that reflected in your gentle eyes. You would never confess, I 
know. 
You sat down closer to me, taking my hand. Your breath stroke 
my fingers as you gently led it to your lips and kissed it. Oh 
Mulder...if I had the courage I would have kissed you now. I 
would have just leaned closer to you, reaching for your face 
and catching your breath. 
And suddenly your breath was in my face. I felt your fingers 
running along my neck and our eyes met in sense of tender 
passion. I knew this wasn't right...you knew as well, but we 
didn't break the silence. I could feel you. Smelled you. Your 
hair lightly grazed on my face...closer and closer. You closed 
your eyes as our lips lightly touched. Not knowing whether to 
go any further, not knowing whether to stop. You reached for 
me, my lips and we touched. I felt your heart beating...faster 
and faster as mine. Your fingers were nearly trembling as our 
lips touched. We kissed...gently. Your smell was now in me. 
And I promised to never let it fade away again.
Your fingers traced a line along my back and I felt like I was 
lifted. Oh Mulder, you tenderly raised me up in your strong 
arms, knowing that we would not stop. Not tonight. Not this 
time. Time did not stop...it was ticking away...just like us. 
With the blanket wrapped around my body, you reached out for 
another touch, another kiss, then carried me away...away into 
the distance...just us alone...then the bedroom door clicked 
shut.

Mulder, where are you now? I need you. 
Please don't make me say it, because you know.
And now I know.
I love you.