From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Wed, 12 May 2010 19:16:14 -0500 (CDT) Subject: Null and Void by LiLx Source: direct Reply To: abbitha7@gmail.com Title: Null and Void Author: LiLx (a_is4Addiction) Rating: PG Character: Scully Summary: It will never be over. Thanks to namarie24 for a lovely beta. This is the first teaser for my XF Big Bang fic. Feedback is appreciated at abbitha7@gmail.com. Null and Void -- "It'll never be over. They'll always know what he was. They'll never accept what he is." - Jeffrey Spender, 9x17, William -- 2002 It was surprisingly easy to hand him over, in the end. It wasn't so much because she believed in what she was doing, but more because of the untamed adrenaline that sparked her tired muscles with the strength she needed to go through with it. Scully had quietly refused Monica's offer to drive her to the adoption agency. Some small, childish part of her had hoped that her mother would lend her support, and a shoulder to lay her head on. But it was not to come to fruition. As she drove William across town, she could hear her mother's anger and the accusatory tone that she tried little to hide. -I can't support this, Dana, and I won't.- Driving on clear roads she would have been tempted to turn back, but this rush hour traffic kept her from doing much of anything. William whimpered softly in the back seat each time she put her foot to the accelerator, as if he knew the fate that awaited him. -Do you actually think he'll be safer without his mother? With what you're up against?- She tried to tell her runaway imagination that it was the stop-start of the car that upset her son and not what she was about to do. When an oversized SUV cut in front of them, she had to slam on the brakes, her fist hitting the steering wheel once, twice, three times, hard until she knew there would be swelling. Tears sprang to her eyes and gathered without falling. It took William's high-pitched wail for her to become cognizant of her surroundings again. "Shh, William," she whispered, choking on the firm lump that had found its way to her throat. Almost immediately, he quieted down, looking calmly into her eyes as if to say -I trust you, mommy.- She had to force herself to look away. At the adoption agency, she allowed herself little time to say goodbye. -Like removing a band-aid.- She stroked his head, fingered the bunny ear hat that she'd bought not so long ago, and then walked back out the way she came. If William cried for her, Scully could not hear him over the ringing in her ears. Maybe it was better that way. Scully managed to make it back to her apartment without committing vehicular homicide, though her legs trembled dangerously on the front sidewalk so that she thought she might faint. There were too many people out on this serene spring day. Everyone seemed to be staring at her, -asking where is your son,- whispering -terrible mother- amongst themselves. For the first time since Scully had found Mulder as a corpse in that field, she felt her resolve slip away. Inside, her slender fingers fumbled to get the key into the lock as unshed tears blurred her vision. "Damnit," she cursed, and then finally the lock clicked and she was inside, sitting on the floor, her back flat against the wall. It was hours before she moved again. She allowed the agony to slide down her cheeks and onto her sweater, where it left damp evidence of the horrific, unbearable thing she had done. When she finally gathered the courage to look up again the sun had begun to set, leaving the living room bathed in ethereal light. The lonely, empty living room. Looking out the window, she told herself -stay strong for Mulder- because, in the end, no matter how desperately she tried to convince herself otherwise, it was always about him.