From: MareZX Date: 08 Apr 2001 19:12:48 GMT Subject: NEW: Odd Man Out (1/1), DeadAlive, Doggett POV Source: atxc Title: Odd Man Out Author: Mare (MareZX@aol.com) Category: VA Rating: PG Spoilers: DeadAlive Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue me. Summary: "Mulder's back now. I don't know what the nature of their relationship is and I really don't care. Whatever they mean to each other, they're together again and I don't belong." ODD MAN OUT By Mare MareZX@aol.com 4/3 - 4/7/01 She doesn't need me anymore. Not that she ever did, but until now I could at least delude myself into thinking that my presence had some value for her. If it ever did, it sure as hell doesn't anymore. The way she's lying on his chest, I doubt she knows anybody else exists but him. I already know I don't belong here, but if I didn't, the look I get from Scully as I open the door to Mulder's room would make it crystal clear. She's surprised; embarrassed that I interrupted their intimate moment, but that's not all. She doesn't say a word -- doesn't even move -- and it might be all in my head, but I can practically hear her telling me to get out. I'm already leaving anyway. I know when I'm the odd man out, and it's blatantly obvious that I am here. She's had enough hurt over the last six months; she doesn't need to see mine now. I quietly close the door and retreat to the hall, alone. Just for a second the hallway fades away and I'm in another bedroom. I'm the man in bed; the pregnant woman lying next to me with her head on my chest is a blonde, not a redhead. We're talking softly, making plans for the future, when she asks me, "What do you think of Luke for a boy?" One blink and I'm back in the hospital hallway, alone again, reeling from the memory hit. I haven't thought of that moment in a long, long time, but it's no surprise that it came back now. The parallels are right in front of my face. Their lives are full now; complete. Mine is an empty shell, a shadow of what it used to be. They each have their other half back now. They have their work, she has -- they have -- her baby. I used to have all that. All I have now is the knowledge that I was wrong. If I want any kind of career, I made the wrong decision about Kersh's offer. If I wanted to spare myself any more of the pain I felt when I entered that room, I made the wrong decision. I was wrong about not digging up the grave, and I could've cost Scully her happiness. I was wrong and I've just cost myself... God knows what. I still don't know when this fascination with Scully started. Six months ago, all I wanted to do was protect her -- her and later the baby she couldn't be bothered to tell me she's carrying. I don't know why. I couldn't protect my own family; what made me think I could protect her? But now I'm the odd man out when it comes to that, too. She has Mulder to do that for her now. I wonder how long it took before he fell under her spell. I wonder if it happened for him as fast as it happened for me. That it happened for me at all is, I guess, partly a good thing. These last few months I've had feelings I haven't had in years; feelings I thought I'd never have again. Somehow Scully touched a part of me I could've sworn was dead, and I guess I should be grateful to know that it's not. Thinking back on it, I probably started to fall in love with her the day we met; the minute she threw that water in my face. What I really don't understand is how I could fall in love with a woman who treats me, more often that not, like last week's garbage. Doesn't matter anymore, though. Doesn't matter what I feel or don't feel. Mulder's back now. I don't know what the nature of their relationship is and I really don't care. Whatever they mean to each other, they're together again and I don't belong. "Agent Doggett?" She actually left him to come out here to the hall. Probably to chew me out for walking in before. Better to take the offensive. "Agent Scully, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt you." She can't seem to look me in the eye. "It's okay, I was just... um..." "Don't have to explain," I tell her. I don't need to hear it. Seeing it is bad enough. "Go back to him. Go back to your partner." I'm at least a hundred feet down the hall before I hear her voice. "Agent Doggett?" I don't know what she expects from me, but I'm not sticking around to find out. She has him now. What further business could she possibly have with me? "John!" That does it. Hearing her use my given name is a mild shock, but it's enough to stop me. I turn, but don't walk back toward her. She's coming to me. She stops a foot in front of me and looks up at me. It isn't until she takes my chin in hand and turns my head a little that I realize she's assessing the bruises on my face. She probes at my jaw to make sure nothing's broken before she lets me go. "You should get some ice on that eye," she says. "What happened?" "Nothin' important." Nothing she needs to worry about at the moment, at least. She gets right to the point. "Agent Doggett, what are you doing here?" Good question. I'm not completely sure myself. "Checkin' up on Mulder." She gives me an expectant look, enough to make me finish the sentence. "Lookin' for you, Agent Scully." "And you found me. What's up?" She ought to be thrilled to hear this. "Just thought you should know Deputy Director Kersh rescinded his transfer offer." "I'm sorry," she says, and I can't help but wonder what she means. "Sorry that you're stuck with me?" The second the words are out of my mouth I want to take them back. This woman's been through enough hell lately; she doesn't need me taking shots. But she doesn't even flinch. "Sorry that Kersh feels threatened enough to ruin your career," she corrects me. "And sorry that he didn't give you a choice." But he did. I made my choice the minute I refused to back off the Mulder case when he told me to. Tomorrow I might feel differently, but right this minute I'm sorry I did. "To tell you the truth," Scully continues, "I'm glad you'll still be with the X-Files. I don't like to think of Mulder doing the work alone while I'm on maternity leave." Now her eyes meet mine. "I feel better knowing that you'll be there to watch his back, as you've watched mine." Not words I expected to hear, especially not today. "Of course I will." I pause as a thought hits. "But will he watch mine?" She knows immediately what I mean. "Mulder is understandably... wary... about new partners after..." "Alex Krycek," I finish for her. Her eyes narrow. "What do you know about Krycek?" What do I know? I know what my aching jaw and bruised ribs tell me. I know what I read in the files and heard from Skinner. I know that he's a danger to Scully's child. And I know that the next time I see that son of a bitch, he's a dead man. "I read all the files, remember? He's like a bad penny -- keeps turning up." "Then you can see Mulder's viewpoint. However, I've worked with you for six months, and I trust you. I'm sure Mulder will take my word that he can trust you too, and you can trust him." She trusts me? That sure comes as news, and I'm not sure I can believe her. "Agent Scully, why now?" I ask. "All this time you've been wishin' I'd just go away. Why the change now?" "Agent Doggett, I haven't --" "Don't tell me you haven't, Agent Scully." I can't help it. Everything that's happened over the last twenty-four hours is starting to catch up with me. "Don't tell me there's even one case we've worked over the last six months that you didn't wish you were workin' on with Mulder." She studies the floor for a moment and takes a deep breath before replying. "Okay, I admit that maybe I haven't been fair," she says softly. "I probably haven't treated you as a full partner." "Last week's garbage..." I didn't think the words were loud enough, but she hears them and her blue eyes go wide for a second. Great, I just blew it. "I didn't mean --" "You did mean it, Agent Doggett," she says slowly, "and you're probably right. If I've behaved that way, I apologize. The situation you found yourself in was not your fault, and I didn't make things any easier. I'm sorry." It's moments like this that make it plain why I love this woman. It's moments like this that hurt the most. "And I..." I take a deep breath. "I was wrong about opening the grave. I'm sorry too." She smiles, this full, radiant smile that I'm sure she saves only for Mulder. "It doesn't matter now," she says with a little hitch in her voice that says she's trying not to cry. "Everything worked out for the best, and that's all that counts." Everything worked out for her and for Mulder. Nothing worked out for me. "You really think it's gonna work out with all three of us in that office?" "Of course it will. You'll see." If she thinks that, she's dreaming. "You and Mulder are like a well-oiled machine," I tell her, hoping she doesn't hear the sadness I hear in my own voice. "You've been workin' together a long time, you work well together. I'll just be the third wheel. Useless." "A third wheel isn't useless. It's essential in a tricycle. It adds stability to an otherwise unstable contraption." Nice try, Scully. You're not makin' me feel any better about this. "Tricycles are for kids. Bicycles are for adults." "Bicycles need stability too," she says quietly. "That's what you give us, Agent Doggett. You've helped me to stay grounded over the last few months, and you'll help Mulder too. I'm sure we can make it work." I'm too tired to argue this anymore. I don't know if I can handle seeing her every day and knowing that she's his and can't ever be mine. I don't know if I can stand knowing that I'm the afterthought in that basement office, the guy who doesn't belong there. I don't even know if I can work with Mulder, who I've never actually met. The whole thing feels wrong, but I give her a smile anyway. "Sure we can." I don't think I've ever told a partner a bigger lie than that. Scully takes a step back and studies me for a second. "You look exhausted," she says. "Why don't you go home and get some rest?" Sounds like a good idea to me. "And you go back to Mulder. He's probably wondering where you went." She takes a few steps down the hall, then turns again. "It will all work out, Agent Doggett," she says. "You won't be the third wheel. You'll see." And with that, she's gone. I head slowly out of the hospital, toward my empty house. Alone. I may not be the third wheel, but I'm still the odd man out. ~ Fin ~