From: "Kelly Winger" Date: Sat, 9 Feb 2002 23:59:26 -0600 Subject: Oh by Hypocrite Source: direct TITLE: Oh... AUTHOR: Hypocrite RATING: PG-13 (for suggestive rather than overt content) KEYWORDS: Mulder, Scully, MSR, dialogue SPOILERS: Not a one! DISCLAIMER: Why bother? I highly doubt that anyone with any claim to M and S is reading this. SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully have a conversation. 'Nuff said. AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first time posting a fanfic. I tend to start them and then leave them festering on my hard drive and in the back of my mind. However, this one popped out and I was actually satisfied with the result - a rare occurrence - so I thought I'd share it with you all. Dedicated to all the fanfic authors whose work I've enjoyed all these years. Hope you like it! FEEDBACK: Received and appreciated at suburbanhypocrite@hotmail.com. Oh, and come to my website at http://www.geocities.com/the_sbi/ ... you know you want to! "Mulder?" "Hmm? "Are you a breast man?" Thunk. Pause. "Excuse me?" "You heard me." "Am I a... ahem." Pause. Pause. "Why... why do you ask?" Pause. "I'm curious." "You're curious?" "Yes. I'm curious. A man's favorite part of the female body can tell you a lot about him. How he relates to women, what his priorities are, whether or not he pays attention to you when you..." Pause. "Mulder." "Hmm?" "Up here." "Right. Uh. Sorry. What was the question?" "Mulder..." "Oh, right. Your breasts." "Who said anything about MY breasts?" "Oh." Long pause. "Well. I assumed that your asking me was your way of finding out if I thought you had, uh, nice..." "Breasts?" "Yes." "Do I?" "Do you?" "Are you asking me?" "Uh..." "Never mind. Let's try this again. Mulder?" Pause. "Yes." "Are you a breast man?" "Wait a minute, I thought I was answering your previous question." "What?" "Never mind." "Mulder..." Pause. "MUL-der." Exasperated sigh. "Fine. Have it your way." Pause. "Are you a breast man?" "Well... yes and no." "Yes and no?" "I appreciate a nice ra.... Uh, that is to say, an attractive pair of breasts as much as the next man. However, I think that there are a lot of factors contributing to the, uh, attraction of a man to a woman, that is to say... I mean, you can't judge your potential compatibility with a woman until you've taken into account the---" "Mulder." "Hmm?" "This isn't a case report." "Right." "So?" "So?" "Mulder!" "All right, all right! I would have to say that... yes, I guess I'm a breast man." Pause. "Was that so hard?" Pause. "Mulder?" "Scully?" "Yes?" "Are you an ass woman?" Pause. "An ass woman?" "Is there an echo in here?" Pause. "Scully?" "Yes?" Pause. "Scul-ly." "I've... uh, never really thought about it." "Never really thought about it?" "Is there an echo in here?" "Ha ha." Pause. "Seriously, Scully." Pause. Sigh. Squeaking of leather. Pause. "Scully." Pause. Defeated sigh. Rustling sounds. Sharp intake of breath. "Scully?" "Hmm?" Pause. "Are you trying to distract me?" Pause. "Maybe." More rustling sounds. A sound as of elastic snapping gently, followed by the sound of fabric hitting the floor. "Is it working?" Pause. "Uhh...?" More rustling. A moan. "Scully?" Leather squeaking. "You, uh... ooohh... you haven't answered my question yet." "Mulder?" The rasp of lips dragging across stubble. A strangled groan. "Yes?" "Yes." "Yes what?" Exasperated sigh. Sound of hands sliding across denim. Another moan. "Oh." Pause. A button popping out, followed by the slow slide of a zipper. "Scully?" Sigh. "Yes, Mulder?" "Are you still trying to distract me?" Pause. "Shut up, Mulder." Squeaking of leather. Sound of skin sliding across denim. A low rumbling in a man's chest, followed by a long, drawn-out groan. "Yes, ma'am." End. Apologies to anyone who, like my high school English teacher, hates when people finish sentences with ... Thanks for reading! "... a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere... and to the rest of you, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys." - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams