From trust-no-1@home.com Thu Jan 25 12:59:06 2001
Date: Tue, 16 Jan 2001 21:39:20 GMT
From: Amber <trust-no-1@home.com>
Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
Subject: NEW: "Oh, Little Child" by Amber (1/1)

Author: Amber
Email Feedback to: mulders_girl42@hotmail.com
Title: Oh, Little Child
Rating: PG
Author's Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/mulderz_girl
Archive: Anywhere, so long as you let me know :)
Spoilers: Major spoilers for "Memento Mori" and "Christmas Carol/Emily"
and if you wanna get nit-picky ;) there is a tiny bit of dialogue from
"Home" and "The Rain King".
Summary: Scully learns of Mulder's possession of a vial of her ova and
she deals with the emotions which follow...
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story belong to me. I am not
making profit from them and I mean no harm. They are still in the hands
of the almighty Chris Carter. No copyright infringement is intended.

*****************************************************************



	Mulder watched Scully as she walked through the park by his
side. Sure, she was beside him ... but her mind was elsewhere. He
noticed that he had been carrying the conversation for the past
fifteen minutes. 
	"Scully?" he asked. She turned to face him, a glazed look in
her eyes. 
	She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. "Yeah,
Mulder?" 
	"Are you okay? You've been kind of quiet." 
	She shrugged off his concern. "I'm fine... I'm, uh ... just
taking in our surroundings." 
	"For any particular reason?" Mulder responded. 
	She sighed deeply and looked at him. Then she blinked, drew in
her mouth and shook her head slowly. "No." She didn't offer any
response other than that. She turned her head and continued walking at
her slow, steady pace. 
	Mulder continued looking at her. It was difficult to determine
her emotions through her profile. He sighed. 
	On Mulder's other side was a playground. A set of mothers
played in the park with their children. One pushed her son on a
swingset, while the other tended to her daughter's scraped knee with a
strategically placed bandaid and a comforting hug. 
	Scully turned in Mulder's direction, but looked past him to
the playground. She smiled. Almost a reluctant smile. A reminiscent
smile. 
	Mulder turned in the direction in which Scully was looking. He
suddenly realized the reason behind her detached behaviour. 
	She missed Emily. It wasn't until recently that Mulder began
to view Scully as a mother. It was only as of late that this side of
her had shown through her sometimes cold exterior. She wasn't a cold
person. Her rigid demeanor was her barrier. It prevented her from
being hurt. This is the reason why she was afraid. Afraid to love. She
was simply afraid to hold a bond for fear it would be broken. She
wasn't like that anymore. 
	Having this child suddenly thrust into her life had changed
her. This was a child whom she hadn't previously known existed. Yet,
she wanted to care for her foundling. No matter the cirumstances under
which this little girl was brought into the world, she remained Dana
Scully's daughter. 
	Unfortunately, for Scully, This was a bond that would break.
The same people who created this child - those who brought her into
the world as an experiment, with no intent of loving her - were the
very people that took her away. Hers was a fate not meant to be. She
could not survive the experiment upon which her life was based. She
could not survive herself. 
	Fox Mulder stood by his distraught partner during this time.
He watched her as she strived to save the life of this child as a
medical doctor.  He viewed her best attempts to bestow love upon this
little girl. Dana Scully, forced into this situation, demonstated her
greatest aspiration - yearning to be the mother Emily needed. 
	She was never able to accomplish this task. By no fault of her
own, little Emily was taken from Scully's life nearly as briskly as
she arrived into it. 
	Scully averted her eyes from the mothers at the park. She
focused her gaze on Mulder, the same reminiscent smile on her face.
Mulder looked back at her and returned the smile. 
	Do you know? Scully's eyes begged the question of
Mulder. 
	He nodded slightly, and placed his arm around Scully,
squeezing her opposite shoulder. Still looking at Mulder, Scully
nodded in return. She knew he understood. She sighed. This time it was
a contented sigh of relief. She was pleased that Mulder understood.
She was at ease and comfort with him beside her. They had this
complete, unique understanding of each other, without even having to
say a word. 
	They continued walking, Mulder's arm still around Scully's
shoulders. 
	Mulder knew that Emily had played a huge part in Scully's
life. Her brief appearance had shaped Scully's personality slightly,
instilling in her a mother's intinct, which, Mulder knew was always
buried deep inside her. It was just that the times he saw it emerge
were so few before Emily's arrival and subsequent depature. 
	This little girl had allowed Scully to grow as a person. She,
however inadvertantly, had taught a lesson about maternal love. This
girl never knew that Dana Scully was her biological mother. She
probably never realized how important a role she played in Scully's
life... but Mulder knew. He had seen his partner shatter her emotional
barrier. 
	She had opened up to Mulder during the course of their time
together, but had emerged as a person substantially following Emily's
time in her life. Scully had let her walls down. She was less afraid
to cry, less afraid to reveal her emotions to Mulder, and, he
thought...  less afraid to love. 
	Scully looked up at Mulder. She knew what he was thinking. She
knew that he had seen a significant change in her since Emily's time
in her life. 
	What Scully didn't think Mulder knew, however, was how much
she still wanted a child. He had no idea how much she wished to be a
mother, and how much love she had left to give. Scully herself did not
realize how much she wanted this one thing until it was taken from
her. She didn't realize how much she longed to be a mother until she
discovered that the possibility had vanished. 
	She likened this to a child who shows no interest in an object
until it is in the hands of his sibling. Then he wants it. Scully
smiled at the thought. 
	She wanted a child so much. She wished to love one so much
that it ached. Under her breath she silently cursed these medical
experiments conducted on her against her free will. She was disgusted
at the thought of this medical rape which had left her sterile; unable
to bear children of her own. 
	A woman passed by pushing a toddler in a stroller. Scully
regarded herself as inferior in comparison to this woman. She reasoned
that she was foolishly inadequate. She suddenly felt as if a part of
her was missing. 
	Tears stung her eyes. She blinked and turned her head. 
	Mulder, sensing that she wanted her space, released his grip
on her shoulder. Without turning to face Mulder, Scully motioned to a
nearby bench and quietly mumbled "I'm going to sit down." 
	Mulder nodded in agreement at the back of her head. "Okay,
Scully." he replied with as much sincerity as he could muster. 
	Mulder turned his back and stood motionless for a split
second. He did not attempt to join Scully on the bench. She needed her
time alone. 
	He drew in a sharp breath as he remembered something he hadn't
yet told Scully. This was something of great importance. He felt
extremely guilty about not yet revealing this to her, but there never
seemed to be a proper time to bring it up. 
	He had a vial of Scully's ova in his possession. He had found
them in the factory which was performing these horrific genetic
experiments.  When he thought back on it, it seemed like a morbid
thing to do. He grasped the vial out of instinct. He was trying to
save a piece of what was taken from Scully. 
	Then he panicked. He left them in the possession of the
computer hacking yet highly-intellegent-in-every-aspect-of-the-word
"Lone Gunmen". The trio of conspiracy theorists were his close friends
and also happened to have a cryogenetic freezer in the back of their
"labratory". 
        Mulder figured this way they could be kept safe without
Scully's knowledge. However, it ached him to know that these ova
existed, unbeknownst to her. He saw the pain in Scully's eyes about
the loss of her child. He also noticed her disappointment, her
restrained despair, after learning she was not able to bear another. 
	He turned his head slightly to look towards the bench on which
Scully was seated. Her arms were crossed over her lap and she stared
straight ahead with an eerily stoic look on her face. Suddenly, she
gazed upwards, catching Mulder's glance, and stuttered "I'm going to
back to the office." 
	"Do you want me to come with you?" Mulder responded. 
	"No, I'd rather be alone if that's all right." 
	He nodded. He had heard that line before. It broke his heart
to see her like this. He had to tell her. He wasn't certain how much
of a positive difference it would make, but he would tell her. Soon. 



***** ****** ******



	Mulder glanced over at his clock. It was two in the morning.
He had been trying to get to sleep but he couldn't get comfortable -
physically or mentally. He kept thinking back to Scully's state this
afternoon. She was emotionless outwordly, only her eyes could not
conceal the sorrow within her. 
	Mulder rose to his feet and paced over to the phone. He lifted
the receiver and dialed. It wasn't necessary for him to switch on a
light to view the buttons - he knew the exact location of each in
Scully's telephone number. 
	The phone rang beside Scully. She was wide awake, but did not
answer it immediately. She did not hear it around the thick mess of
troubling pensiveness which clouded her mind. It was not until the
fourth or so ring that it resonated through her thoughts. She slowly
reached over and lifted the receiver. 
	"Hello?" she breathed into the phone. 
	"Hi, Scully? It's Mulder. I know it's late ... but I really
need to talk to you." 
	Scully rubbed her eyes. She swallowed and asked "What's it
about, Mulder?" 
	"It's just something I think I should tell you in person. Can
I meet you there?" 
	Scully looked around her apartment. "Yeah... I guess so
Mulder..." 
	"Okay, good. I'll be there soon." He placed the receiver back
onto the stand and hurriedly exited his apartment. 

***** ***** *****

	Scully waited, seated in a chair in her darkened apartment.
She was not anxious to hear what Mulder had to say. She did not
anticipate a single word which would soon be emitted from his mouth. 
        On the phone, the tone of his voice led her to believe that
what he was about to relay to her was imporatant. He sounded...
different. It was almost as if there was a hint of desparation to his
voice. 
	Scully knew she should be anxious. She knew that she should be
feverish with anticipation... but she was not in the mood to give it a
second thought. Whatever Mulder had to tell her, she would deal with
it when it came. She knew Mulder too well than to will herself into
shock over something he was about to say. 
	She lifted her head and glanced instinctively at the entrance
of her apartment split seconds before she heard three dull thuds
coming from the other side. She placed her feet on the floor and
walked over to the door. Without bothering to look through the
peephole, she opened it to reveal a somewhat distraught-looking
Mulder. She motioned for him to come in, and closed the door behind
him. 
	In her apathy, she had accidentally neglected to change. She
was still clad in her silk night clothes, and suddenly felt the
tiniest bit self-conscious. 
	Mulder didn't seem to notice. He strided to the centre of her
apartment, and began to pace near her coffee table. 
	Scully managed to snap out of her lethargic stupor. "Mulder,
what is it?" Her words expressed concern. 
	He stopped in his tracks and looked down into her eyes.
"Scully, there's something I need to tell you... something I should
have already told you..." 
	Scully could feel her stomach twist, but her face remained
indifferent.  She was clever at hiding her emotions through facial
expressions. "What is it, Mulder?" she asked. 
	Mulder formed his words slowly. "Scully, do you remember when
you first learned of your cancer?" He did not allow for a response
before continuing. "While you were first in the hospital, the boys
helped me enter the Lombard Research Facility. Scully, experiments
were being conducted there... There were cloning operations..." He
trailed off, and took a seat on her couch. 
	"Mulder?" 
	He looked up at her. He continued, his voice breaking. "They
had your extracted ova kept in... in drawers, in metal cryogenic
chambers. They had everyone's. Everyone who was abducted. They had
them all." 
	Her eyes widened in surprise and disbelief. "Mulder, why
didn't you tell me?" 
	He held up an index finger, cutting any further interjections
short.  "I... I pocketed a vial. I know I should have told you
sooner... but there was never the right time. I couldn't just leave
them there, knowing... knowing they were yours." His eyes deepended
with sincerity, visible even through the limited amount of lighting in
the room. 
	Scully stiffened in shock for a brief moment. Trying to wrap
her already crowded mind around these fresh details, she stuttered
"Wh..where are they?" 
	Mulder dropped his gaze to the floor. "The Lone Gunmen have
them.  They're keeping them safe in a freezer chamber in the back of
the lab." 
	Scully, from her standing position, gazed at the top of
Mulder's head.  Barely audibly, she said "Go home, Mulder." 
	Mulder looked up at her. Shame and guilt clouded his eyes.
"Scully, I'm... I'm..." 
	It was her turn to interrupt him. Tears welled up in her eyes,
and she made no effort to conceal them as they spilled over her
cheeks. She spoke slowly, and her voice waivered. "Mulder, I need to
be alone. I need to think. I need my rest..." 
	Mulder rose to his feet. With a brief glance back at Scully,
he walked out of her apartment. 
	After the door closed behind him, Scully sank to her knees.
Sobs wrenched her small frame. 

****** ****** ******



	Mulder wandered the streets aimlessly. He knew it was probably
not a wise thing to be doing in the wee hours of the morning, but he
needed a walk to clear his head. Thus far it was not working. A
million questions raced through his head at once. 
	He attemped to concentrate on the methodic tone of his
footsteps on the pavement. 

	Thud. What have I done? 

	Thud. Why was Scully so upset? 

	Thud. Will she be okay? 

	Thud. Is she going to forgive me? 

Nothing was working. His mind was host to an interrogation room -- and
he was the suspect in question. 

***** ****** *****



	"Assitant Director Skinner's office. How may I direct your
call?" 
	"Could I speak to A.D. Skinner please?" 
	"I'm sorry, The Assitant Director is in a meeting at the
moment, may I take a message?" 
	"Yes, please. Can you tell him Special Agent Dana Scully will
not be reporting in today?" 
	"Sure. Reason for absence?" 
	"Illness. Stomach Flu." 
	"All right, then. Hope you feel better soon, Agent Scully." 
	"Thanks. Bye." 
	"Bye now." 
	The phone clicked in Scully's ear. She placed it back on the
hook and almost instantaneously raised it back to her ear. She input
Mulder's home phone number. It rang twice before the answering machine
picked up.  "Hi, this is Fox Mulder. I'm not home right now, leave a
message." 
	Scully, assuming Mulder had already left for work, recorded a
message. 
	"Mulder, it's me. If you get this, please call me. I'm at
home." 
	Scully hung up the phone and hoped that she hadn't hurt him by
forcing him to leave her apartment earlier that day. She had had some
time to consider what he had told her, and she decided that needed to
discuss the situation with him. 
	She picked up the phone for a third time and dialed in the
number of Mulder's cell phone. If he was at work, he would probably
have it turned on. 
        The phone rang in Mulder's jacket pocket. He took it out and
answered it with an effortless "Yeah?" 
	The sound of Scully's voice came through the receiver.
"Mulder, are you at work?" 
	He sighed. "No, actually. I'm not far from your apartment." 
	"How far?" 
	"Right outside the building." 
	"Mulder, have you been there all night?" 
	He waited a beat before responding. "Sort of." 
	"Well, can you come up? I need to talk to you." 
	"Yeah. I'll be up in a second." 
	Scully hung up the phone and walked over to the door,
anticipating Mulder's arrival. 
	When he showed up her apartment, restained and solemn-faced,
she wished nothing more than to embrace him. She wanted him to know
that everything was okay -- she wasn't upset with him. In contrast,
she didn't feel that this was in her character, so she managed with a
diluted smile and a request for him to enter. 
	She started with small talk. "Did you let Skinner know that
you weren't coming in today?" 
	He responded with a shake of his head. "No." 
	Scully was a little surprised. "So, you're just not going to
show up?"  She added with a slight chuckle "They'll have your ass for
that tomorrow." 
	He didn't offer any witty retort. He entered the apartment,
taking a seat on Scully's sofa. She paced over and sat next to him. 
	She looked over at him, but he did not return the glance. She
continued anyway. "Thank you." she said. It had been a very long time
since she voiced those words and truly meant them. 
	He gazed up at her, a look of utter confusion passing over his
face.  "Why?" he managed to stammer. 
	She swallowed. "Thank you for giving me hope. After Emily
passed away, I experienced absolute sorrow. My sorrow was not just
over the loss of this child, but in being aware of the fact that I
would never have the opportunity to bear a child of my own. I was
saddened as I would never hold, love and care for a child which I
brought into this world. 
	When you first came here and admitted to me that you had a
vial in your possession, I was upset. I was upset because you have
known that this whole time and decided not to let me know. I instantly
blamed you for the sorrow I have experienced the past couple of
years." She took in a breath and continued, saying "However, I now
know that you are not to blame. I am not upset anymore. I understand
why you couldn't tell me. It isn't an easy topic to bring forth. 
	Also, I have more insight into a probable reason why you did
not tell me. Perhaps, you did not realize how much I wanted a child. I
have tried not to let it show. Only yesterday afternoon did my true
feelings escape my exterior. I think that is why you finally told me. 
	In conclusion, thank you for giving me hope. I now know it is
possible for me to bear children of my own. I can have the opportunity
to hold, to love, and to care for a child which I brought into this
world. 
	I want that opportunity, Mulder. I want a child. I don't know
if you can understand this..." 
	Scully trailed off as Mulder picked up the conversation.
"Scully, I do understand. I now realize how much you do wish for a
child." He clasped her hand. "As well as there no doubt in mind you
would make a great mother." She looked up at him, and they both
smiled. 
	Scully quickly looked away, and sighed. Barely above a
whisper, she said "Yeah, but I need a great father." She knew that she
wasn't getting any younger. She realized that, inevitably, the
probability of her bearing a child of her own was declining. 
	She also had no doubt in her mind for whom she wished father
to be. This man beside her was her everything. He had been with her
through all the trying times in her life, never once leaving her side.
There was not another single person she could ever imagine herself
with. She knew in her heart that Mulder would be a great father.
However, again she did not feel that it would be in her character to
tell him so, so she remained silent, her head turned from him. 
	She was slightly startled when he reached over, grasping her
face in his hand and gently turning it to face him. His voice broke as
he spoke slowly, looking her directly in the eye. "I can be that
father." 
	Scully was speechless as a surge of emotions flowed through
her. She reached out her arms and pulled him into an embrace. Tears
spilled from her eyes. A warmth emanated from deep within her. She
would bear a child of her own. She would share a child with the man
she loved. Her soulmate. 
	She suddenly remembered a poem she had written after Emily's
death in anticipation of a child she never expected to hold. She
recited the words in her mind as the tears continued to flow. 

			Oh, little child
			In my arms
                        Like an untouched piece of artist's clay
			The picture of innocence
			Yet uncorrupted by today's society
			Oh, little child
                        What does the future hold? 
                        I wish so much for you
                        Oh, little child
                        In my arms


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