From: Emily Wallner Date: Tue, 8 Aug 2000 10:24:05 -0700 (PDT) Subject: "Once Upon A Child" Source: direct Title: Once Upon A Child Author: Emily Wallner Archive Notes: Ask first. Feedback And Archive Questions: agentemilysim@yahoo.com Rating: G/PG Disclaimer: I do not own and X-Files-related characters. I promise not to sell them for any money or fame, and I'll put them back when I'm done using them. The X-Files and all related terms have been sprung from the mind of Chris Carter, 1013, and are exhibited by FOX 29 and company. Scully's feelings on Emily are my opinion alone, what I think she felt. Summary: Scully reflects on her feelings about Emily Sim in journal entry style. The first time I met her, I fell in love. Emily was so sweet, so shy... so much like Melissa I could barely stand the emotion I had shoved so deep inside me. If this beautiful child had been her daughter... how wonderful it could have been. But no- she was mine. When I found out, I couldn't believe the facts. The DNA comparisons were solid, concrete evidence... something I cling to desperately in order to save Mulder and I many times. Even though they were real, I almost didn't believe them...until I saw her again. I loved Emily. She was my daughter... mine and mine alone. I had thought I could have no children, and it reduced me to simply a barren vessel... but with this being, this girl... hope encompassed my soul. I had a future, an heir, so to speak. And I had finally beaten them. The evil men had taken my ova and squirreled it away, but I had beaten them down into the ground. May they rot in hell forever. Emily was a symbol of hope, of peace, of myself. They could not take that one thing away, but I was wrong. Oh, was I wrong. When I gave her my cross, it was to keep her safe. To add the symbolism of eternal love to a girl who loved Mr. Potato Head. Even my cross could not keep her safe, though. She was just a little girl. She'd lost her adoptive mom and dad, her family, and her life as she knew it. She was slowly wasting away with the disease brought upon her by these evil men and by her haphazard hybridization attempts. Her doctors, replaced by the shape shifting aliens... they kept her from me. I loved her so much, and I could only send her my feelings through glass and plastic coverings... trying not to look at her face as she crumpled in silent fear of the machines, trying to hide my feelings of fear from Mulder and her. Trying to be the strong one again. It scared me when I saw her blood. Green and noxious, it filled the room with toxic fumes while she sat calmly on the table, unaffected. It was almost morbid the way she looked at me- so neutrally happy in the midst of chaos. I felt like running in and rescuing my baby from the men, from the fumes, from herself and the unsuccessful hybrid that she was. I couldn't, though. There was nothing more I could have done. Of course, I can't even believe the excuse I subscribe to. I think of something my father said once and I grimace: There is always something more... There is something. I could have tried harder, appealed to the adoption agency to a fuller extent so I could have been her mommy for even a few precious hours. I beat myself up for not doing enough, not saving Emily. Sometimes, when the office is dark or I'm at home, I pull out her picture and cry over it. The grief is still there, and it will never go away. Never. When she died, I was inconsolable inside. I stood tall and strong for the family, but below the diamond-plated exterior, I was lost in my own pity and grief. I usually refused to show this to anybody, but when I did, it was with as little emotion as possible. I had to maintain control. After all, control is the only thing I have left now, besides Mulder, a family, and a job. I retrieved her cross from the empty casket and placed it around my neck later, tying the only connection of Emily to me tightly. It was all I had left of her besides the picture. Sentimental symbolism, I know, but when the only child you've ever had died... you cling to that sort of thing. It makes you feel just a little bit safer and stronger. I've been stronger since this. Tougher. Vengeful, almost, in some situations. One day, the Syndicate will fall. They will crumble into nothingness and I will rejoice. They will come to know the eternal pain they have bestowed upon Mulder and myself. They will die... and we will triumph with Emily. ===== "You are my constant, my touchstone." "And you are mine." -Amor Fati