From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: 12 May 2007 04:21:17 -0000 Subject: Once Upon a Couch by Matineemad Source: direct Reply To: matineemad@yahoo.com TITLE: Once Upon a Couch AUTHOR: MatineeMad E-MAIL: matineemad@yahoo.com DISTRIBUTION: Archive freely RATING: PG CATEGORIES: SH KEYWORDS: Mulder/other. Parody. SPOILERS: Fire, Sein und Zeit, Closure, Anasazi, Demons, Unusual Suspects, All Things, Talitha Cumi SUMMARY: Can Mulder ever be separated from his beloved couch! Disclaimer: X-Files characters belong to FOX Corporation and 1013. Author's Notes: Get real, Fox. LOVE MEANS NEVER LEAVING YOUR COUCH Mulder had just returned from a long weekend with Peter Mathews, one of his old basketball buddies from the Academy who was now living in North Carolina. With Scully visiting her family in California, he had been in no hurry to rush home. As he drove up to his apartment, he looked forward to relaxing on the couch and watching an old NBA Finals video that Peter had given him. As Mulder walked inside the apartment, he didn't notice anything unusual - at first. He dropped his bag off in the bedroom and put his basketball and shoes in the hall closet. He popped the video into the VCR and headed to the refrigerator for a cold drink before settling in on the couch. As he closed the refrigerator door, the telephone rang. Mulder wondered who would be calling at this late hour. "Greetings, my friend," said the mysterious caller. "Who is this?" asked Mulder. "Don't you know, old friend?" "No, I don't and I do not want to play games at..." He glanced at the VCR clock. "...at 3:02 in the morning." "Okay! Okay! Did you get home okay?" "Yes! Yes!" "Is everything as you left it?" the caller continued. Mulder glanced around superficially. "Yes, everything is in place. If you will excuse me, I was just going to lie down on the couch and relax." "Enjoy your rest - wherever you can get it!" Mulder turned suddenly. "My couch!" yelled Mulder. "What happened to my couch?" "Bingo! Now we can talk business." "What have you done with my couch?" exclaimed Mulder. "I need it for an little experiment." "Please don't harm my couch. It has been my temple of comfort - for years. Whenever I am tired, I lay on the couch. Whenever the Lone Gunmen, Skinner or any other friend-in-distress appeared at my doorstep, we could sit on my couch. Whenever I got multiple stab or gunshot wounds and had to leave the hospital early, I could always recuperate on my couch!" "That sounds like a really sad story. I have to go get some tissues." There was silence on the telephone for several minutes. Mulder could hear the sound of loud nose-blowing in the background. "Are you there? Are you there?" Mulder kept yelling in the telephone, but got no answer. By the time the caller returned, Mulder had lost his patience. "You can't be serious! You are actually crying because *you* stole *my* couch!" "I just love those sad tear-jerkers." Mulder was just about to hang up the telephone. "I'm too busy to play these games." "I wouldn't hang up if you ever want to see your lifeline again." "It's just a couch. I can go buy another one tomorrow." "So be it. But I promise you that will be begging me to call you back by the end of the day tomorrow." "So why don't you do it so I can tell you how much I am enjoying my new couch." FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR COUCH Forced to sleep in his bed all night, Mulder could not get any sleep. The haunted memories of that beautiful overstuffed paradise kept calling his name. "Why have you abandoned me? I thought you would always take care of me!" it whispered. Mulder rolled over in frustration. "Shut up! You are only a stupid piece of fabric wrapped around some rejects from a splinter factory!" "I have given you the best years of my life! How could you treat me like yesterday's British Bomb-blast?" "Not her again? Didn't I tell you that she was just a bad dream!" said Mulder. "Is that what I am to you? Remember when your Mom killed herself? I kept the couch still so you could get as much sleep as possible so you could go to California to solve the La Pierre case, discover the truth about what happened to your sister, meet the nurse who was the last person to see her and still make it home to catch the Knicks on television?" "Huh?" "Wasn't your first act after returning home to collapse on my midsection for a much needed rest?" "What is your point?" asked Mulder. "Go tomorrow and buy a new friend. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" The voice drifted off into the night. "Please! Please! Wait! We have so much more to talk about." Suddenly Mulder realized that he was yelling at a piece of contemporary furniture. "Where is Scully when I need her!" The next morning, a very haggard Mulder walked into the kitchen to get some breakfast. He was going to block this all out of his mind - but that was not to be! Everywhere he looked, he saw visions of that thing! Mulder sleeping on the couch while Scully stood over him. "I was so worried..." Mulder sitting on the couch waiting for the call from X that never came. "Fox, this is your father calling..." FAREWELL, MY COUCH Mulder had been pacing back and forth in his living room all morning. Why not sit down in a nearby chair? No! He would not let any sitting mechanism take its place. He decided to head to the store and buy a new friend. Friend? How absurd! He had always had a problem with commitment - but not with his couch! Joey in Accounting had always bragged about the furniture store he ran on the side. Mulder decided to drop in to make a deal. Mulder saw sleeper sofas and love seats - but how could anyone make love there - and sectionals and everything else. They were blue and green and beige and black and - you name it. They were $500 and $700 and all the way up to $2000. Mulder never smiled at any of them. Joey was frustrated but wasn't going to give up. He decided to show Mulder an old leather sofa that had recently been found in the back of the warehouse. It was old and outdated but looked comfortable. Joey figured that Mulder would love it! Mulder's eyes lit up when he saw it. "This is it! I have to have this one! How much?" Joey thought for a moment. He didn't figure that they would get $50 for it and didn't want Mulder to have it either. "$1500 is the best I can do," said Joey. "Sold!" said Mulder. Joey collapsed in a chair laughing. "Are you crazy? This couch is not worth $100!" "You can't argue with a couch and his master!" Mulder beamed with pride. Later, Mulder was lying on his new couch. It smelled like yesterday's socks but he loved it - it was his own. He didn't even think about his other couch until the call came. "So...you bought another one?" "Yes. I found something better. Now quit bothering me. I have lots of lost time to catch up on?" Mulder burrowed deeper into his couch. "Like the time you lost your memory and Scully had to come rescue you? Like the time you got naked over some poison inhaler and the Lone Gunmen had to go to jail for you? Like the time you found out that Scully didn't want to look at crop circles with you but wanted to resume an old romance?" "Why are you bringing that up now?" "Remember how you felt abandoned and betrayed? Or when you discovered that your mother and the Smoking Man were - close? Didn't you feel betrayed?" "Yes. Yes, I did but you are talking about a couch. A couch doesn't have feelings!" Oh no! Mulder had actually said the evil words. He had called the couch an inanimate object. Heresy! "So be it! But remember all the times when you needed the tranquility that the couch offered. Remember that it was always there when you didn't have the strength to make it to your bedroom. Remember it was there when your woman wanted to get romantic. Remember that it is the biggest home purchase a man will ever make." "I know! I know! I will remember. So what are you going to do with my couch?" asked Mulder. "Look out your window, G-man!" Mulder opened the curtains to see his old couch suspended high in the air on a large crane. "You wouldn't dare!" he exclaimed. As the song 'Memories' blared through the phone, Mulder watched in horror as his beloved couch crashed three stories to its death. "No!!!!" Mulder dropped the telephone and began beating on the window. "No!!!" Suddenly the front door of the apartment opened. It was Scully, carrying bags of groceries. "What is going on here?" she asked. There was a long pause. "Nothing. You wouldn't believe it anyway!!!"