From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org
Date: 10 Dec 2005 18:17:58 -0000
Subject: Operation PS2 by Kathy Foote
Source: direct

Reply To: kmfoote@charter.net


Title: Operation PS2
Date: November 9, 2005
Author: Kathy Foote
Summary: Who knew so much strategy went into planning a 
shopping trip
Category: Humor
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, these characters are the property of 
Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Twentieth Century Fox.  I 
wish they were mine, but they aren't.
Archive: Two weeks exclusive with VS12, then anywhere is 
fine by me
Authors' note: This story was written for IMTP Virtual Season 
13, Thanksgiving Day Special
Thanks: To Emmy, my number one fan; she writes the best 
feedback.  You can gain weight on her feedback; it is so rich.  
To Mom, for all her wonderful help.  She is the best sounding 
board and a great proofreader.  And last, but definitely not 
least, to Vickie Moseley.  She gave me the initial idea for the 
story.  She is an inspiration and the best damn beta.

Feedback is very much appreciated and can be sent to 
kmfoote@charter.net.


Operation PS2

Tara Scully's House 
Thanksgiving evening

"M-o-o-o-o-m!  I'm thirsty!"

"Coming..." came the reply from the kitchen.

Mulder looked up from the football game and watched Tara 
ascend the steps for the third time in the last half-hour, a glass 
of water in her hand.  Poor Matthew was sick, but he was 
starting to feel better, which just made him cranky.  Mulder 
could relate.  He hated to be sick and he hated it more when he 
was getting better, but was not yet well.  You felt like you could 
do things, but everyone said you weren't well enough to do 
anything but rest.  Rest...your body needs rest, they'd say.  Oh, 
how he hated that stage.

Mulder emerged from his thoughts when Tara descended the 
stairs a short time later with an empty glass in hand.  He 
watched her as she returned to the kitchen.  He could barely 
make out the "how is he?" questions posed by Maggie and 
Scully, to which Tara responded with the usual "he's fine".  
When the conversation returned to a steady murmur, Mulder 
returned his attention to the football game.

He wasn't exactly interested in the game, but he sure enjoyed 
relaxing on the couch, following the fabulous Thanksgiving 
dinner they had just feasted on.  Scully had wanted to come to 
Tara's this year for dinner, instead of spending it at home 
together.  He didn't mind.  They didn't get to see Scully's 
family very often, even though they lived so close.  Besides, she 
said it would be so much easier for their shopping trip if they 
were already here.  They could get a much earlier start than 
when Scully had to drive over to Tara's house or they had to 
meet somewhere in between.

That's what they were doing in the kitchen, planning their 
shopping trip.  Shopping trip?  This was no shopping trip.  This 
was a battle plan; a major offensive.  Patton would be proud.  
The one time he ventured into the kitchen at the beginning of 
the game, the table was covered in sales ads, hand-written notes, 
and something that looked like a floor plan.  They seemed to be 
discussing the best strategy for navigating through Wal-Mart.  
He quickly retrieved a beer from the refrigerator and returned to 
the peace and quiet of the den.

It was the end of the third quarter and they were showing the 
same commercial they showed in the last commercial break.  He 
couldn't believe how often they showed the same commercial 
over and over again during a football game.  Instead of 
watching the same Hummer commercial for the umpteenth 
time, he took the opportunity to visit the kitchen, check on 
Scully, and perhaps grab another beer.

"How's your game, Mulder?" Scully asked as he stepped into 
the kitchen.  "Are _my_ Cowboys winning?"

He turned to answer her question and noticed she was wearing a 
big grin.  She was always teasing him about the Cowboys.  He 
was a big Redskins fan and there was an intense rivalry between 
the two teams, so she seemed to take pleasure in cheering on the 
Cowboys, even at the expense of his beloved Redskins.

"Yeah...they're winning," he answered her question dejectedly.  
He leaned down so he could whisper in her ear, "but if they 
were playing _my_ team, that would be different.  The Redskins 
already kicked their ass once this year.  Remember?"  He placed 
a few small kisses on her neck, just below her ear.

She did remember the game vividly.  They had a friendly bet 
going and Mulder had won.  Not that she minded much.  She 
had thoroughly enjoyed paying off her bet.  Just the thought 
brought a smile to her face and she was momentarily lost in the 
memory.  He moved away from her and continued on to the 
refrigerator, intending to retrieve another beer and return to the 
couch.

"Dana?  Earth to Dana," Tara said he she gently shook Scully's 
arm.  "What are we going to do?"

Scully shook her head, as if waking from a dream.  She looked 
at Tara and then suddenly Scully's expression changed.  If this 
had been a cartoon, a bright yellow light bulb would have 
appeared over her head.  "I have an idea."

"Mulder?" she called to him as he was walking out of the 
kitchen.

He turned back at the sound of his name, "Yeah, Scully?"

She put on her sad face, which she knew was unfair, but she 
needed his help and would do anything to get it.  "Mulder, we 
have a problem and we _really_ need your help."

Mulder returned to the table and sat next to Scully with a 
definite worried look on his face.  "You know you can count on 
me.  What is it?"

"Well...you know Matty's sick and he can't go to the sitter 
tomorrow, so..."

"You want _me_ to watch Matthew?"

"No, Mulder.  Mom is staying here with the kids.  What I need 
is for you to help us with our shopping."

His jaw dropped as he gaped at her in stunned silence.  "H-help 
you..." Suddenly, he became extremely apprehensive.  "How?"

"It won't hurt.  Honest.  We need you to take one item on the 
list and get it.  That's it.  The doors open, we all go get one 
item on the list, and leave.  Piece of cake.  We'll even let you 
get the Playstation.  Will you help?"

He looked at them with uncertainty.  Both Tara and Scully, and 
even Maggie, were looking at him hopefully.  He couldn't say 
no to one Scully woman, much less three.  "Ok.  I'll do it.  
Exactly what do I have to do?"

A little wave went around the table, as each of the Scully 
women expressed their thanks.  With Mulder on board, Maggie 
excused herself to check on the kids.

First, Scully pulled out the Wal-Mart sales ad and placed it in 
front of Mulder.  Pointing to the picture, she began to explain.  
"This is your target, Mulder, the PS2.  They'll be on sale 
tomorrow morning for $99."

"Jeez, Scully, we could buy one of these almost anywhere.  
Hell, we could buy it off the Internet.  Wouldn't that be easier?"

"Easy?  You don't understand the concept of Friday after-
Thanksgiving shopping, do you, Mulder?  It's not supposed to 
be easy.  To get the great sales, you have to make sacrifices.  
You have to get up early and fight large crowds.  Are you 
willing to make those sacrifices?  For me?"

Mulder could never say "no" to Scully.  Of course he would 
help her, even though he really didn't want to go anywhere near 
the stores tomorrow.  "Okay, okay, I'm with you.  I go get the 
PS2.  Then what?"

With Mulder's willingness to help, Scully switched to 
commander mode.  'Now listen closely, Mulder.  The PS2 will 
be the hardest item to get.  It's the most sought after item on 
the list.  That's why we're assigning it to you."

"I'm honored," he replied in a mocking tone.

"I'm serious, Mulder, it won't be easy.  Electronics is in the 
back of the store.  You'll have to navigate through crowded 
aisles, past equally determined people to reach your objective.  
There'll be a limited number and you must get to them before 
they're all gone.  We're counting on you, Mulder."

"So, while I'm fighting the hordes of motivated PS2 buyers, 
what will you and Tara be doing?"

"We have our own objectives.  Tara has the Clothes department, 
while I have the Toys."

"Gee, Scully, sounds like you guys have really planned this 
out."

"Oh, we have.  Here's the plan.  The doors open at 6:00 am.  We 
plan to be in line by 5:15 am."

"5:15?" Mulder shouted.  "We'll have to get up at 4:30."

"4:00 am to be exact.  I plan to have time for coffee and 
breakfast before we leave.  We're going to need all the energy 
we can get."

Mulder rolled his eyes, mumbling something about "so much 
for sleeping in ".

Scully ignored his grumbling and continued.  "Anyway, the 
doors open at 6:00 am."  She pulled out what looked like a 
crude floor plan of the store.  "Mulder.  You have to avoid the 
main aisles at all costs.  _Everyone_ will use the main aisle to 
get to the back of the store.  You have to use your speed and 
agility to cut through the side aisles this way, toward the back 
of the store."  She moved her finger across the page showing him 
the desired path.  "After we retrieve our assigned items, we 
rendezvous back at the snack bar.  Got it?"

"Got it," Tara confirmed enthusiastically.

"Mulder?" she looked at him for acknowledgement.

"Yeah, I got it," he confirmed, less than enthusiastically.

"Great!  Let's hit the sack.  We've got an early roll call 
tomorrow," she said, as she picked up her papers from the table 
and left the kitchen.  Tara followed Scully and Mulder brought 
up the rear.


Outside Wal-Mart
Day after Thanksgiving - 5:15 am

There were already 50 or more people lined up outside the 
doors at Wal-Mart.  The trio took their place at the end.  Within 
minutes, another 15 people had joined them in line.  Mulder 
couldn't believe how many people would get up this early in the 
morning to go shopping.  He thought Scully and Tara were 
crazy, but he realized, they weren't alone.  There were a lot of 
crazy people out here.

They stood there making small talk, while they waited for the 
doors to open.  Scully had wanted to go over their plan again, 
but they had already gone over it four times since they got up.  
He had it memorized.  Hell, he had it memorized after the first 
time.

The couple standing behind them was discussing their plan.  
The man was being sent to get a PS2 game.  He was much 
larger than Mulder.  His plan was to barrel down the main aisle 
straight to the back of the store and snag one of the prized PS2 
games.

Mulder leaned toward Scully, so only she could hear him talk.  
"Scully?  See the couple behind us?  Don't look!  Anyway, the 
big guy is going for the PS2 also.  He plans on taking the main 
aisle and pushing straight through the crowd."

Scully nonchalantly gazed around Mulder and saw the man he 
was talking about.  He was huge.  He could easily be a 
linebacker for a football team.  She looked back at Mulder and 
noticed he looked nervous.

"Look, Mulder, stick to the plan.  Avoid the main aisle.  You're 
a runner and you're fast.  Speed through the side aisles where 
there is no crowd and you will beat him.  Trust me."

"Always," he replied and gave her a quick kiss.  She gave him a 
slight bewildered look.  He shrugged and said, "Kiss for luck." 

At that moment, the doors opened and the crowd surged 
forward.  It was like Disneyworld when the front gates opened; 
everyone entered the store and ran to their various assignments.

As soon as the big guy that was behind Mulder cleared the door, 
he pushed everyone out of the way, heading down the center 
aisle.  Remembering what Scully said, Mulder cut down the 
first aisle on the right and broke into a run.  He zigzagged 
through the aisles, making his way to the Electronics section at 
the back of the store.  All he could think of was how much 
Scully and Tara were counting on him and how disappointed 
they would be if he failed to accomplish his mission.

He was running full out, when a Wal-Mart employee, pushing a 
cart, entered the aisle from the left, virtually cutting him off.  
Unable to slow down at this point, he had three options; run into 
him, leap over him, or cut up the aisle he just came out of.  In 
his mind, he weighed each option in less than a second.  He 
couldn't hit the guy; that would just slow him down and 
probably get them both hurt.  He couldn't leap over him; who 
did he think he was, OJ Simpson running through the airport?  
If he cut up the aisle, it would take him away from his target, 
adding precious seconds to his journey.

He quickly decided on option D; he slowed down and let the 
guy pass.  As soon as the employee was clear, he resumed his 
mad dash for the back of the store.

He could finally see the back aisle.  One turn to the left and he 
would be there.  As he turned the corner, he spotted his 
competition approaching from the opposite direction, his sights 
set on the Electronics section.  Mulder could already see a 
crowd of people around what looked like a stack of PS2 games 
and the stack was getting smaller by the second.

Mulder put on a final burst of speed and got there mere seconds 
ahead of the larger man.  He snatched the last PS2 game from 
the shelf, just as his opposition made a grab for it.  Mulder 
practically hugged the box to his chest, so proud to have 
achieved his goal, until he looked into the glaring eyes of a very 
pissed off man.

"Hey, buddy, that game is mine," he said angrily to Mulder.

"Look, fair's fair.  I got here first." Mulder retorted.

"Like hell!  You _stole_ it from me just as I was reaching for 
it," he yelled back.

Mulder couldn't believe how angry the guy was.  It was just a 
game.  He almost considered giving him the box, but then he 
thought about Scully and there was no way he was giving up 
this game.  "Possession is 9/10ths of the law, so that makes it 
mine," he explained.

The man figured he needed to take possession of the precious 
item, so he reached out, grasped the box, and pulled.  Mulder 
wasn't about to let go of the prized possession, so he held 
tight.  A crowd of shoppers formed a circle around the pair as 
they wrestled over the box.

Finally, the man released his hold on the box.  He was angry 
and red-faced.  Mulder could picture a cartoon version of him 
with steam pouring out of his ears.  Mulder started to say 
something, but before he could open his mouth, he saw a huge 
fist coming straight for him.  Unable to block the hit, it landed 
like a ton of bricks on his left cheek.  The force of the blow 
caused Mulder to stagger backwards and lose his footing.  He 
lost his grip on the box, which crashed to the ground.  The man 
thought about grabbing the game, but when someone shouted 
for Security, he decided to cut his losses and ran away.

Mulder sat there, massaging the left side of this face, staring at 
the damaged object.  Just moments before, he had held it in his 
hands and now it was broken.  He couldn't believe how defeated 
he felt.  He told himself that it was a stupid game.  He could buy 
one next week at any other store, but he had wanted to succeed 
in what he felt was his mission.

There was a tap on his shoulder and he looked up into the eyes 
of a caring saleslady.  "Are you all right young man?  Do you 
want me to call the police?"

"No thanks, I'm fine...but the game isn't.  I'm afraid it's broken.  
I'm sorry about that."

"Oh, don't worry about that.  I'll be right back," she told him 
and quickly disappeared through a set of double doors.

She came back a few minutes later carrying a brand new PS2 
game.  "Here, take this one," she said, handing him the 
undamaged box.  "There's a whole pallet of them in the back.  
The guys were about to bring them out when that man started 
the trouble."

He couldn't believe his eyes.  He was thrilled.  "Thank you, 
ma'am.  You just saved me a whole lot of heartache."

"You're welcome.  Now you better get some ice on that eye, 
before it swells up."

She was right.  He could feel his eye and cheek beginning to 
swell.  He had almost forgot about it in his excitement.  He 
thanked her again and made his way to the rendezvous point.

Mulder slowly approached the front of the store carrying his 
package.  As he neared the snack bar, he could see Scully and 
Tara sitting there, wearing frowns on their faces.  As he got 
closer, he realized they didn't have any packages; they hadn't 
gotten anything.

When they saw him, the first thing they noticed was the PS2 
game in his arms.  They both smiled, but then Scully's smile 
turned into a frown, when she spotted his swollen eye.

"Mulder, what the hell happened to you?"

"Well, Scully, my mission was not without casualties, but I was 
victorious.  What happened to you guys?  Where are your 
packages?"

"Oh my god," Scully exclaimed, "It was a madhouse in there.  
By the time I made my way to the toy aisles, they were stripped 
clean."

"I actually got a hold of one pair of sweat pants," Tara retold, 
"but some woman grabbed the other end and pulled until they 
ripped in two.  It was just horrible." 

"At least Mulder got the PS2 game," Scully said.  "Let's go pay 
for it and head to the mall.  They have some great door-opening 
specials that start at 7:00."

Mulder raised his hand like a traffic cop.  "No way, Scully.  I 
would rather be sitting at home with two sick kids; hell, I would 
rather be sick _myself_ than go through that again."  He 
lowered his hand and gave her his poor puppy face.  "Besides, I 
need to put some ice on my eye."

She realized he was right.  He did need to get something on his 
blackening eye.  They agreed to drop him off at the house on 
the way to the mall.

On the way home, Scully and Tara discussed where their plan 
had failed.

"Maybe we got there too late," Tara offered.

"Yeah, I think you're right," Scully concurred.  "We have to get 
there earlier.  That's the key; position in line.  What do you 
think, Mulder?  Maybe next year, we should get there before 
5:00"

"I don't care what you two do.  There's no way I'm going 
through that again.  I've done my tour of duty in shopping hell 
and I'm retiring with a perfect record; one for one."

The End