Title - Or a Reasonable Facsimile Thereof (1/3) Author - X Knona Rating - R Classification - SH Spoilers - Amor Fati? Keywords - script format; language Summary - Unabandoned silliness. Summary: Little to no plot. Anyone who finds one should notify me immediately (hm, sounds like a veiled plea for feedback?) via e-mail at x_knona@mac.com. (Note to K.A.: Pizza delivered in Part 2.) Rated: R, for Scully's potty mouth Disclaimer: If they were mine, *this* would have been the movie! Spoilers and/or thinly disguised rip-offs (deep breath now!): Pilot, Squeeze, Tooms, Little Green Men, 3, One Breath, Aubrey, Irresistible, Colony, Fearful Symmetry, Humbug, The Calusari, The Blessing Way, Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose, War of the Coprophages, Syzygy, Teso Dos Bichos, Jose Chung's "From Outer Space", Avatar, Quagmire, Wetwired, Home, The Field Where I Died, Tunguska, Terma, Never Again, Memento Mori, Small Potatoes, Gethsemane, Unusual Suspects, Redux, Redux II, Emily, Post-Modern Prometheus, Chinga, Bad Blood, Patient X, All Souls, The Pine Bluff Variant, The End, The Beginning, How the Ghosts Stole Christmas, Amor Fati ...and anyone who can find them *all* gets a prize. The catch is, you've gotta read the *whole thing* to do it, see? Notes at the end of part 3. And trust me, there are a *lot*. Part 1/3 12 KILOMETERS SOUTHEAST OF LANGLEY, BRITISH COLUMBIA MAY 16, 1998, 7:20 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (A small pasture. There is little, if any, snow on the ground, and the weather is mild. Some light glistens off the nearby lake. Pan over the idyllic scene.) MULDER (V.O.) My name is Fox Mulder. I'm a Special Agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. My partner is Special Agent Dana Scully. We work on the X-Files, cases designated unsolved by the powers that be. (We see two cattle rustlers -- Rupert and Eugene -- at their trade. Mulder continues his narration.) MULDER Some people call me a "crazed conspiracy theorist." But they're just confusing me with some of my friends. There really is a machination to destroy the human race, headed by a chain-smoking, cancerous son-of-a- bitch who is somehow affiliated with Morley cigarettes. (Rupert begins poking a cow with an electric cattle prod. Mulder picks up his narration once more.) MULDER My supervisor, Assistant Director Walter Skinner, is among those who believe that my work, as well as the man I have become, is the product of an unstable personality and a childhood in which I was spoon-fed tales of paranormal activity by people like Ray Bradbury, Frank Herbert, Isaac Asimov, and Stanislaw Lem. All of this may very well be true. However, I refuse to accept any of these so-called logical explanations of bovine exsanguinations. RUPERT Hey, Eugene, this bugger ain't budgin'. EUGENE Let me see. (rides over and gives cow swift kick) She's stiff! (inspecting another cow) So's this one! Damn, Rupert, we can't steal dead cows. Let's get the hell out of here! There's something screwy goin' on 'round here. (Rupert and Eugene spur on their horses and ride away at top speed. As they leave, the camera pans around once more and Mulder picks up his monologue.) MULDER There is nothing reasonable about a cow completely devoid of those tiny corpuscles without which animal life as we know it cannot subsist. For who, I ask, would perpetrate such a heinous crime against cattle? Who, if not the extraterrestrials? (Focus on a dead cow with a patch of hair slightly burned by the cattle prod.) MAY 18, 1998, 5:27 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully are looking around the crime scene. The local sheriff, Chris Parry, is also present. Mulder kneels near a dead cow and examines it.) PARRY (to Scully) I'll tell ya who could do a thing like this. It was that damned Norwegian Lobster. SCULLY (skeptical) Norwegian Lobster? PARRY (pointing out nearby lake) See that there lake? That's salt water. There's a huge sea monster out there, looks just like a lobster. Only this guy's bigger'n a breadbox. He comes out of the water at night and grabs his victims with his claws. SCULLY It kills people with its claws? PARRY No, he just looks at them, and they drop dead on sight. No heart attack, no wounds on the skin, nothing. They just drop dead. They don't even get in the water. SCULLY Does this Norwegian Lobster consume what it kills? PARRY Nope, and that's the weirdest part. Been living here all my life, and I still don't know what the damn thing eats. (In the background, Mulder stands up and walks over to Scully and Parry.) MULDER Well, Scully, the victim appears to have been struck by lightning. There's a small patch of singed hair near the neck. PARRY That's ridiculous. Not only was there nary a storm for miles around last night, but this town hasn't seen lightning for nigh on thirty- five years now. That's gotta be the craziest thing I've heard in a long while. (The sheriff leaves, scratching his head and chuckling, and goes to interview a local veterinarian.) SCULLY Well, Mulder, looks like you've figured out how to be left alone. Would you like to hear my extraordinarily normal explanation for all of this? MULDER As you know, I'm ever-attentive. SCULLY Insurance fraud, Mulder. This is nothing more than a farmer who has lightning insurance and wants to collect his claim on the dead cow by burning the poor creature's neck with a candle to make it look like a death caused by an electrical storm. MULDER (after pause) Lightning insurance? SCULLY (changing subject) I'll do an autopsy, but I don't think I'll find anything that will help. MULDER You know, I don't think it was lightning. SCULLY Mulder? MULDER It was probably some sort of poltergeist. That makes much more sense. And it even explains the odd positioning of the cow's limbs in an expression of prayer. I'm willing to wager that the cattle were shocked by a religious experience and subsequently hit in the neck with tiny flaming cherry pits coming from nowhere. SCULLY And this is...logical? MULDER Of course! Can't you see it all? It's so obvious. I don't know why I never thought of it before. SCULLY Listen, Mulder, over the five years I've been working with you, I have been incredibly patient when it came to your incredible solutions. Clearly, this is more of a problem for local cattlepersons and veterinarians than the F.B.I. Where in the world did you dig up this case, anyway? MULDER (sheepishly) I was flipping through the junk mail when this tabloid caught my eye. SCULLY (moaning) Mulder! MULDER I know it wasn't really the best source for an assignment, and, to tell the Truth, Skinner doesn't really know that that's the reason we went out here. I told him that we were investigating some reported alien abductions and exsanguinations. SCULLY (rolling eyes) You've really done it this time, Mulder. I can hardly believe half the things you do, but this takes the cake. What if Skinner finds out? MULDER (leaning toward her and whispering) Between the two of us, I sure hope he doesn't, but I can't be certain that none of his little moles are following us. SCULLY You know, Mulder, I just can't decide which one of you is more preposterous. MULDER Which one of whom? SCULLY Sheriff Parry thinks this was an attack by a legendary sea monster called the Norwegian Lobster who lives in that salt water lake over there, and you think it was poltergeist. Now, you tell me: which one of you sounds more ludicrous? MULDER (rubbing chin) That's right! I had forgotten about the Norwegian Lobster. But what could poltergeist have to do with the Norwegian Lobster? Unless... SCULLY (interrupting his thought) It seems to me that it would be prudent to return to Washington A.S.A.P. Rather, you could stay if you wanted, but I'm going home first thing tomorrow morning. I'll go take care of that autopsy. (Scully orders the veterinarian who's talking to Sheriff Parry to move the body to the morgue. Mulder is left alone in the field.) 3170 WEST 53 ROAD #35 ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 7:21 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully is asleep. Mulder comes into her room and turns on the light. She wakes with a start.) SCULLY What the fuck? What the fuck is it, Mulder? What the fuck are you fucking doing here? (Mulder, placing his finger over his lips, turns and opens the curtains, peering out cautiously. Then he turns back to Scully.) MULDER Scully, I need you to do me a favor. I found something in the woods by my apartment building. Something big. SCULLY (looking over at alarm clock) Fuck, it's fucking 2:23 in the fucking morning. This couldn't fucking wait? MULDER No. Can you come? (Scully looks at her partner. His eyes are pleading. She sighs and rolls out of bed.) COUNTY MORGUE ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 7:54 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully is in scrubs, looking at the body Mulder has had put out on the examination table. Scully sniffs the air.) SCULLY So, what the fuck am I fucking looking at here? It looks like... something you fucking pulled out of your fucking refrigerator. MULDER I know you're not going to believe me, but I think it's the remains of the Ancient Egyptian King, Snefru. SCULLY Snefru...? Fuck it! MULDER There is a legend that Snefru summoned for entertainment a lector- priest of Bastet, the cat-goddess, who told him of the impending downfall of the Old Egyptian Kingdom. This prophet, Nefer-rohu, also predicted that Amen-em-het would restore order in about 2000 B.C., marking the beginning of the Middle Kingdom. (Scully has been feigning fascination. When Mulder has finished, she speaks, nodding.) SCULLY Fucking amazing, Mulder. And what the fuck is it, exactly, that you fucking woke me up in the middle of the fucking night to do? MULDER I'm getting there. Nefer-rohu foretold mass-hysteria, intra-familial murder, foreign invasion, heavy taxation, grave-robbery, and drought, among other things. SCULLY (sarcastic) So, what the fuck are you fucking saying? You had a fucking past life in Ancient Egypt, you fucker? MULDER No! Grave-robbery, Scully. Grave-robbery! (Scully gives Mulder The Look.) MULDER Please, Scully, take me seriously. SCULLY When the fuck have I not fucking taken you seriously? Fuck, I can't do diddly-fuck if you won't tell me what the fuck you want, fucking waking me up in the fucking middle of the fucking night. (After a moment of thought, Mulder decides.) MULDER Determine a cause of death. SCULLY Why the fuck? Mulder, this poor fucker, if he's what you say he fucking is, has been fucking dead for thousands upon fucking thousands of years. MULDER (leaning forward and whispering) If you determine a cause of death, it may be the key to world peace. (Scully looks at him, utterly at a loss.) SCULLY Fuck. (without looking away, turns on tape recorder and lamp over table) I'll begin with an external examination. FITZGERALD MOTOR LODGE LANGLEY, BRITISH COLUMBIA MAY 19, 1998, 10:21 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Suddenly, an alarm goes off. Scully sits up in bed with a start. She is back in her motel room. She reaches over and shuts off her portable alarm clock and falls back onto her pillow. Then she notices that it's still dark out and looks over at the clock. It is 2:23 AM. She stands up and begins to walk toward her gun, which is on the dresser across the room. Before she can get there, a hand in a black leather glove holding a drugged handkerchief slips over her mouth, and she passes out. The man with the gloved hand, his left arm dangling at his side uselessly, takes her outside and shoves her into a car. He gets in the back seat next to her and shuts the door. The car takes off into the night.) 4:07 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder, having just checked out, is standing near the car when Scully approaches. Mulder sniffs the air around Scully.) MULDER That doesn't smell like my favorite perfume, Scully. Did you sleep last night? SCULLY No, as a matter of fact. I sat up all night thinking. MULDER About what? SCULLY Einstein's Twin Paradox. MULDER (coughing convulsively) Ugh! Scully! You don't smoke! (Scully ignores him and gets into the driver's side.) SCULLY I'll drive. Let's go to the latest crime scene. Just to be sure. MULDER (confused) But I thought you said -- (He is cut off by the roar of the engine as Scully pulls onto the road with a sharp jerk.) SCULLY We'll be there in a few minutes. It's just across town. (Mulder opens the glove compartment and notices a package of Morley cigarettes. He mumbles under his breath.) MULDER Morleys! Very suspicious. (Scully hasn't heard anything Mulder has said.) SCULLY You know, Mulder, I'm beginning to think that you're right. Perhaps there is some paranormal activity going on in this town. MULDER (to himself) About as paranormal as my ass! (Scully stops at a red light and turns to Mulder.) SCULLY However, I don't think flaming cherry pits have anything to do with it. (Scully abruptly hits Mulder over head with an X-File.) CLARK WAREHOUSE DOT, BRITISH COLUMBIA 6:13 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully have just pulled up in their car. Scully leads Mulder, blindfolded but conscious, out of car by the hand and into darkened building.) SCULLY Sit here. (Scully seats him in a chair near a railing and puts a pair of handcuffs around one of his wrists. She then attaches the other cuff to the rail.) SCULLY I'm going out to get some ice. I'll be right back. (Scully leaves. Krycek enters.) KRYCEK My God, Mulder! (Mulder lifts his head at the familiar sound of Krycek's voice.) MULDER Alex Krycek! You filthy rat-bastard! After all you've done, played both sides...what do you want from me now? KRYCEK Oh, Mulder, God damn you! (Krycek kneels at Mulder's side, unties his blindfold and puts a gun to Mulder's temple, starting to weep.) KRYCEK Where the hell have you been? I've been looking for you. Give me a moment. (breathes in) I can't tell you how badly I feel about having to betray you for loyalty to your father. (Mulder lifts his head and turns to Krycek.) MULDER Loyalty? KRYCEK (not listening) Yes, your father. Cancer Man is your father. I knew all along, but I couldn't tell you. He had sworn to kill me if I ever told you. Now, however, he has allowed me, even asked me, to tell you. I have been searching high and low ever since. I found you here. There's something else I must tell you. MULDER What about? The black oil? Alien colonization? The larger government conspiracy? KRYCEK Hell, no! I'm in love with you! Run away with me to Flat Island, or I will shoot you point-blank in the forehead. MULDER Tough choice. (stalling) Where the hell is Flat Island? KRYCEK Someplace where no one will ever think to look for your dead body should I decide to kill you. MULDER Oh, of course. Why did Scully bring me here? She isn't working for Cancer -- my father, surely. KRYCEK The Scully who brought you here is not the real Scully. The real Scully was abducted last night and cloned before you could stop it. It was a clone who brought you here. Her clones are working for your father, and the real Scully is being held in this very warehouse. MULDER (to himself) So that's where those Morleys came from! (to Krycek) I don't believe you. That Scully clone was the same age as the real Scully. You couldn't do that in one night. Unless... KRYCEK Another thing you're not supposed to know. MULDER (to himself) Norwegian Lobster! (Krycek, still holding the gun at Mulder's head, switches on the light, revealing Scully, bound and gagged in a chair.) KRYCEK Perhaps this will convince you. (Scully sees Mulder with a gun to his head and starts to cry out.) MULDER (resolutely) I still don't think that's the real Scully. (Krycek lifts a lock of Scully's hair to reveal the slightly discolored roots.) KRYCEK Well, then, how else would you explain this? Only a real Scully would have roots. MULDER Oh, alright, so it is Scully. I'll join you on the boat to Flat Island as soon as I've spoken with my father. I want to get matters straight once and for all. (Krycek leaves, and Cigarette-Smoking Man enters shortly thereafter, lighting his first cigarette. Cigarette-Smoking Man rushes to Mulder upon seeing him.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN My son! (Cigarette-Smoking Man burns through the flimsy handcuffs with the end of a second newly-lit cigarette, which he then puts in his mouth.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN How I've missed you! Your mother and I knew each other long before you were born. We had initially intended to kill the man you have believed was your father, Bill Mulder, because he knew that you were my son and not his, but we never did. Well, not right away, anyhow. For had we gotten rid of him when we had the chance first, then our family might not have been so dysfunctional. It is much too late, however, for regrets. We cannot alter the past. In fact, I was your guardian angel. Many times you might have been killed if not for my intervention. We let you go so many times that I was not allowed to renew my membership to the little country club that your father and I had both belonged to because they wanted you dead. MULDER Did you say...country club? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting third cigarette) Yes. MULDER At last! Proof that golf is lethal! CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fourth cigarette) Yes, well, at any rate, this county club. When I wouldn't kill you, they tried killing you without my knowledge. They have been spying on you since the beginning. Now that you know, I can die in peace, safe in the knowledge that you are no longer in the dark. MULDER But what about that little bastard, Jeffrey Spender? Isn't he your son, too? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifth cigarette) Sadly, he is. He was the worst mistake anyone ever made. I've often thought of having someone kill him, because I don't like him half as much as I like you. You have character and morals. He has an attitude problem. MULDER I'll kill him the next time I see him! He's so obnoxious! And what on earth possessed him to join the F.B.I.? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting sixth cigarette) Actually, he doesn't really work for the F.B.I. He works at a Burger King down the street. We just gave him an office in the J. Edgar Hoover Building because his mother thinks he's important. He has no more right to head investigations than the Syndicate has to wire your apartments. (aside) Which is not to say that we don't, because life would be infinitely more boring if we didn't have the tapes to listen to on the way to work. MULDER I'm going out to find that coward. And when I do, he's going to wish that he were on a spaceship heading far, far away to an alien testing site. (Mulder turns to go, but he stops and goes back when he hears a voice behind him. Scully has loosened the gag on her mouth.) SCULLY Fox William Mulder, front and center! Don't you dare ditch me, you son-of-a-bitch! MULDER Oh! Scully! Listen. Here's the plan... F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA 1:19 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder drops Scully off and drives away. Scully picks up her car and drives it out to the front of the building. Then she goes inside to Spender's office. She enters the office after knocking on the open door. She pauses and sniffs the air.) SCULLY (to herself) The Whopper? (to Spender) Agent Spender? Are you busy? (Seeing that he is not, Scully walks over to the desk and leans over.) SCULLY Listen to me, Agent Spender. I need you to come downstairs right now. I have my car waiting, and it's urgent. SPENDER (clueless) But why? What's so urgent that I need to go downstairs with you? SCULLY (whispering) I can't tell you here. Just come. (Spender gets his coat and follows Scully down to her car, getting in the passenger's side.) SPENDER (somewhat annoyed) *Now* can you tell me? (Scully puts the car in gear and starts it without looking at Spender.) SCULLY I'm in love with you. We're going to Flat Island. (As the car drives away, Spender questions Scully anxiously.) SPENDER Where's Flat Island? Am I going to get seasick? ANNAPOLIS HARBOR ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 10:09 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Krycek is standing near the gangplank, tapping his foot nervously and looking at his watch periodically. Finally, he sees Mulder arriving.) KRYCEK The boat is here! Let's go. MULDER (stalling for time) Wait. My mother will be here any minute. I've booked her for a sonic jet flight down to D.C. I couldn't leave without her. She *is* my mother. KRYCEK (impatiently) I wish she would get here faster. MULDER Faster than a sonic jet? (Samantha appears, pulling up in a car with Cigarette-Smoking Man. She bounds up as Mulder mutters to himself in disbelief.) MULDER What? My long-lost sister Samantha? But she hates me! Come to think of it, my whole family hates me. SAMANTHA Fox, Dad told me that you were leaving, and I just wanted to say goodbye. Where are you going now, Fox? MULDER (under his breath) As far away from you as I can get. (to Samantha) Flat Island. SAMANTHA Flat Island, Fox? Fox, where's that? Can I go, too, Fox? (Krycek rolls his eyes and turns away.) KRYCEK Oh, man. There goes the whole plan. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting first cigarette; to Samantha) Samantha, leave your brother alone. He's going through a crisis right now. SAMANTHA (whining) But he's always going through a crisis. I think his whole life must be one long crisis. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting second cigarette) It probably is, but that doesn't mean that you should pick on him. MULDER (to Krycek) God, I hate my sister. She's such a hypocrite. She pretends that she missed me when she was gone, but then she refuses to go with me to meet Mom. She's never even seen our mother. Not that she remembers, anyway. Almost makes me glad that she was abducted. (Bill Jr., drives up in his car.) BILL JR. Hey, everyone! What's going on? (Scully arrives in her car with Spender.) SCULLY What the hell...? Bill, what are you doing here? BILL JR. Oh, just taking in the fresh sea air, Dana. Why is everyone here? (to Mulder, sarcastic) Well, if it isn't my second-favorite F.B.I. agent. MULDER (to Bill Jr.) You non-poisonous snake! You couldn't make a possum play dead! You're not even worth abducting. I'll bet the aliens are slapping each other high-fives for not cloning you. Maybe if we analyzed your DNA, science could figure out why you're such a piece of work. Or maybe we'd find out what species you *really* are! BILL JR. Oh, and you think you can talk, after what happened to my sisters -- *both* of them -- because of your obsessive paranoia and firm convictions about the existence of extraterrestrial life? MULDER (rushing at him) Why you -- (Fowley appears from nowhere and jumps between the two before they engage in hand-to-hand combat.) FOWLEY Break it up, break it up! You two are just awful, you know that? Honestly, one would think that you were second-graders from the way you were carrying on just now. MULDER (still angry) I'll kill him -- (Scully puts a hand on Mulder's arm.) SCULLY Mulder, stop it! Stop it now! Don't kill him. Not yet, anyway. (Mulder responds immediately to Scully and obeys her without question.) MULDER I apologize. I will control my temper and attempt to suppress further outbursts. (Mrs. Mulder's plane touches down nearby and she walks over to the dock. Mrs. Mulder rushes up to her son and hugs him.) MRS. MULDER Fox! I missed you! MULDER (aside) Not her, too! (to his mother) Mom, there's someone here I want you to meet. (indicating Samantha) This is the *real* Samantha. MRS. MULDER You're joking, right? This is another one of those clones of hers. You know, Fox, I've been thinking that it would be useful if I were cloned. Then I could really be in two places at once! MULDER Mom, this time I'm serious. This is Samantha. I promise. SAMANTHA (looking at her mother) Mom? Are you my mother? (pointing to Cigarette-Smoking Man) Is that my father? He told me he was. Is it true? MRS. MULDER (sadly) Yes. Bill Mulder had no children. You're both his. (Mrs. Mulder nods her head in Cigarette-Smoking Man's direction. Cigarette-Smoking Man lights his third cigarette.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (indignantly) Why is everyone pointing at me? Don't you know how rude that is? I thought perhaps my own family had manners. (Krycek has been standing in the background, more or less unnoticed. Now he steps forward.) KRYCEK So are we going to Flat Island or not? MULDER I'd say that everybody's going to Flat Island. SAMANTHA Goody, Fox! I always wanted to go to Flat Island, Fox. Is Flat Island on the map, Fox? Did you ever think about going to Flat Island, Fox? Fox, why are you ignoring me? MULDER (irritated) Will you stop calling me "Fox?" Even Mom and Dad have to call me "Mulder," dammit! SAMANTHA (meekly) I'm sorry, Fox. (Mulder glares at her. Samantha quickly realizes her howling error.) SAMANTHA I mean, "I'm sorry." 3° NORTH, 118° WEST MAY 29, 11:45 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (All are on deck, and Spender has a Spanish guitar on his knee. General expressions are those of disgust. Spender is singing and strumming with as much gusto as he can muster to Scully, who is propping up her head on her elbow and looking as annoyed as a cat with a bell on her tail.) SPENDER Besame! Besame mucho! I'll love you forever, Say that you'll always be mine! Oh, so dearest one, If you should leave me, Then each little dream will take wing, And my life will be through. Oh, besame -- MULDER (cutting him off abruptly) Look, Spender, we established long ago that you are untalented, so why are you foisting your ruined lungs on us? SPENDER (starting again, to Mulder) What goes on in your heart? What goes on in your mind? You are tearing me apart When you treat me so unkind. What goes on in your mind? MULDER (taking guitar away and singing) You're telling all those lies About the good things that we can have if we close our eyes, And though you still can't see, I know your mind's made up you're gonna cause more misery. So, do what you want to do, And go where you're going to, But think for yourself, 'Cause I won't be there with you. SCULLY (getting guitar; to Spender) I got something to say that might cause you pain. If I catch you talking to that boy again, I'm gonna let you down And leave you flat, Because I told you before, Oh, you can't do that. MULDER (more to Scully than anyone else) Well, I'm the Sheik of Araby. Your love belongs to me. At night when you're asleep, Into your tent I'll creep. The stars that shine above Will light the way to love. You'll rule this world with me. I'm the Sheik of Araby. SPENDER (regaining guitar and interrupting) And I'm telling you, my friend, That I'll get you, I'll get you in the end. Yes, I will, I'll get you in the end. KRYCEK (taking over, apparently to no one) I don't know how to love him, What to do, how to move him. He's a man. He's just a man, And I've -- MULDER (angrily, to Spender) What would you do if I turned on the bath, Ducked your head under, and started to laugh? What would you do if I shut you outside To stand in the rain and catch cold so you died? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting first cigarette) Alright, everyone, let's settle down now. Besides, if you don't mind my saying so, there isn't enough talent on this vessel to scrape together one-half of a Mick Jagger. MULDER (resolutely, still to Spender) Maybe a cigarette burn on your arm Would change your expression to one of alarm. I'll drag you around by a lock of your hair, Or give you a push at the top of the stair... SPENDER (takes guitar back, to his father) He seems to be completely unreceptive. The tests I gave him show no sense at all. MRS. MULDER (getting guitar away) Will you please shut up? Will you ever shut up? "Thank you very much." You're making me sick With that prissy whine. Watch me now. I draw a line. So you stick to your side, And I'll stick to mine. Never, ever cross this line! (Frohike is steering from above. No one sees who he is.) FROHIKE Hey! You're throwing off the navigational instruments up here with that racket. Unless you want to get lost in the Pacific, I suggest you quiet down. (The group settles down for the rest of the trip.) FLAT ISLAND 10° NORTH, 115° EAST JUNE 7, 6:16 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (All have disembarked. It is dark out. They are standing on the shore. A few have puzzled looks on their faces as they wander about, gazing skyward. Krycek is elated.) KRYCEK At last! My greatest wish will be granted, and I will live forever with my one true love! MULDER (clearing throat, to Krycek) Ah, Alex, I hate to rain on your parade, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to disappoint you. I can't marry you. KRYCEK (wailing) But, Fox -- MULDER (to Krycek, between gritted teeth) Mulder. I'm Mulder. KRYCEK (under his breath) Right. Sorry. (aloud) But, Mulder, why not? Don't you love me? MULDER (taking deep breath) I wish that I could, only... (trails off) KRYCEK No, no, don't say it! I know there's someone else. I'd love to kill her, but it wouldn't get me anywhere. If I shot her, you'd hate me for all time. But this is not interesting. Move on! MULDER As I was saying, I'm sorry, Krycek. I'm not like that. I know what you want from me, and I just can't give it to you. Perhaps you'll find someone else. Wait! (Mulder turns to Spender, who is, much to her disgust, completely attached to Scully.) MULDER Spender, will you marry my friend here? Krycek, disarm yourself, please. KRYCEK But I only have one arm as it is! Do I have to get rid of the other one, too? MULDER (firmly) Krycek, you know that your character is not for comic relief. That is my job, and there's a good reason for it. You have no sense of humor and are thus not funny, unlike me. I deadpan. You look slimy. That's the main difference between you and me. Now disarm yourself and marry Spender because you are so desperately in love with me that you will do anything for me, or I will give you a less savory option. KRYCEK (putting down gun) Fine. (to Spender) Spender, I don't love you as much as your half-brother over there, but I'll marry you for his sake. At least I can still go to family reunions. (Fowley steps in after Krycek and Spender leave. She begins playing with Mulder's jacket.) FOWLEY Fox, I've never stopped loving you. Do you know that? MULDER I guess I do now. FOWLEY Marry me. SCULLY (to herself) That bitch! MULDER Well, that certainly is blunt. FOWLEY Will you? MULDER (in soap opera-narration mode) If I answer this question too quickly, it will spoil the suspense. Diana Fowley, my old flame, has reappeared to pick up where she left off. Of course, I've since moved on. However... (He looks from Scully to Fowley and back a few times, stroking his chin thoughtfully. Gibson Praise jumps out of a coconut and begins to sing the theme from "Jeopardy." Bill Jr., intervenes.) BILL JR. Diana! MULDER Ah! Scully's sorry-ass loser of a brother! BILL JR. (to Fowley) Give up on that jerk. I'll divorce my wife for you. Marry me! MULDER Looks like I've gotten out of making yet another important decision. (Samantha hears him.) SAMANTHA Does this mean that you're finally not having a crisis? MULDER Go away. MRS. MULDER Fox! Be nice to your sister! MULDER Sh! This is not our scene! FOWLEY (to Bill Jr.) I will! If you'd give up a family for me, it must be love. SCULLY (to herself) He's escaped again! MRS. MULDER Fox, there's some noise coming from the cargo area on the boat. I think that somebody should go look. (They all troop off to the hold. They see two packing crates shaking suspiciously. Suddenly, Marita Covarrubias, John Fitzgerald Byers, and Ringo Langly jump out, brush themselves off, and look around. Frohike comes down from the helm and joins them. The Lone Gunmen have all their obscure equipment with them, and they begin scanning the area for deionized water.) COVARRUBIAS (to Krycek) I heard everything. You rat! All this time I thought you only loved me. And I find out you were in love with Mulder all along! KRYCEK (feigning repentance and innocence) Marita, my love, when have I ever lied to you? COVARRUBIAS Don't even start with me, you twerp! (to Spender) And you! You deserve to die. (starts to strangle him) MULDER (to Scully) Well, Scully this makes my job much simpler. SCULLY Oh? MULDER Well, okay. I'll feed the fish when we get back. I promise. FROHIKE Nope, no deionized water around here. (sees Samantha) Whoa! She's hot! BYERS (to Covarrubias) Hi. My name is John. You remind me of a chick I met at a communications convention in Baltimore back in '89. I never found out what happened to her, and I feel sort of bad about it. Will you marry me? COVARRUBIAS Having been betrayed by the man I love, I would be inclined to say yes. (to Spender) I've decided to let you live another day. MULDER Damn. FROHIKE (approaching Samantha) What's a gal like you doing in a place like this? MULDER (quietly) Careful, Frohike, she ain't armed, but she's dangerous. FROHIKE (quietly) You, my friend, have a thing or two to learn about women. (Mulder shrugs, shakes his head, and walks away.) SAMANTHA I'm waiting for my brother to stop having crises all the time. FROHIKE Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Melvin Frohike, photography and -- (waggles eyebrows suggestively) -- *special* operations. SAMANTHA My name is Samantha. FROHIKE Ah, so you're the elusive sister. Mulder told me all about you. SAMANTHA *Did* he now? FROHIKE Sure. I'm one of his best friends. Listen, as far as I'm concerned, you're the next best thing to Agent Scully over there. What say -- SAMANTHA Get abducted, creep. FROHIKE (downtrodden) I guess you Mulders are all just naturally nasty. MULDER Hey, man, I warned you. FROHIKE Except you. You're just as paranoid as I am. SCULLY (to Cigarette-Smoking Man) Do you think we could give him one of my clones? Or would she still be addicted to Morleys? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting first cigarette) It could be arranged to have her bad habit broken. SCULLY (to Frohike) It's okay, Frohike. We're going to give you a clone of me. FROHIKE Really? That's awfully nice of you. You don't have to do that for me. I'm just a nerd, after all. LANGLY You're just a nerd? I'm a nerd, too. At least you've got somebody now. I wish my parents hadn't named me Ringo. It's a stupid name. Nobody likes people named Ringo. Except Richard Starkey. How come everyone liked him? Nobody likes me. I wish my parents hadn't named me Ringo. It's a st -- BILL JR. Wait! I think there's something in my suitcase! (He puts the suitcase down on the sand. It begins to jump about. At last it bursts open, and Charles appears.) SCULLY Oh, my God! It's my younger brother, Chuck! CHARLES Ah, it feels good to be out in the open again. A month in a suitcase is hell on your spine, let me tell you. SCULLY You were in there for a month? Why? CHARLES My yoga teacher said that it was good to expose yourself to extremes once in a while. By the way, where are we? BILL JR. I thought that suitcase was a little heavy. Why didn't you tell me you were going to stay in that bag, Chuck? I must have taken you with me by mistake when we all went to Flat Island. CHARLES Flat Island? Where's that? (Glances are exchanged all around. Frohike breaks the uncomfortable silence.) FROHIKE Approximately 10° North latitude, 115° East longitude. CHARLES Well, that's one way to see the world. In a suitcase! BILL JR. Do you know what this means? MULDER That you are possessed by evil Eastern European demons? BILL JR. (to Mulder) Shut up, you. (including everyone else) This means that I don't have a change of clothes. Sorry, guys. (All present moan.) MULDER (to Scully) I told you he smelled bad. CHARLES (eyeing Langly) Hey, who's the leggy blonde? LANGLY (extending his hand) Ringo Langly, paranoid geek. CHARLES Ringo is certainly an odd name for a pretty girl like you. Slight, unkempt blondes turn me on. LANGLY Really? You don't think that Ringo is a stupid name? CHARLES Not at all. I rather like it. (They wander off to a nearby palm tree.) SCULLY This is embarrassing. MULDER Now, Scully, coming to terms with sexual orientation is a form of self-discovery, and it is important for the friends and family of the individual to be supportive in this time of questioning -- SCULLY It is not natural for the homosexual person to be the last to know about it! (Cigarette-Smoking Man lights second cigarette and kneels before Mrs. Mulder.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN All your children are mine. Marry me. MRS. MULDER Take that ridiculous extra cigarette out of your mouth and I'll consider it. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting third cigarette) What extra cigarette? SCULLY (realizing) Mulder, Skinner will kill us if he finds out that we've left a case we weren't even supposed to be investigating and gone AWOL to Flat Island! Hell, no one except Frohike even has the slightest idea where we are! This is not going to look good on the field report. MULDER Occasionally, Scully, I find you extraordinarily shallow. (Cigarette-Smoking Man lights fourth cigarette and approaches them.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN There's no need to worry about that. Sharon Skinner has asked the Shadowy Syndicate to eliminate her estranged husband so that she can marry Section Chief Scott Blevins. EAST 46TH STREET NEW YORK, NEW YORK 6:43 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME MUMBLING ELDER Mrs. Skinner, why exactly is it that you want to get rid of your husband, Walter? SHARON So that I can marry the Section Chief. MUMBLING ELDER But why on earth would you want to marry the Section Chief? No one even knows where he is. SHARON Upward mobility! FLAT ISLAND 10° NORTH, 115° EAST 6:45 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifth cigarette) Besides, if the assassin screws up like Krycek did once, Skinner can always marry your sister, Mulder. KRYCEK Hey, give me a break! It's a tough job! SCULLY (relieved) Well, it doesn't sound like we have anything to -- (Scully stops, noticing that everyone else except Mulder is disappearing, breaking up into couples and moving off in different directions. Then she continues in a whisper.) SCULLY So, what's our next move? MULDER We're alone on a beautiful beach on an uninhabited island. Let me think. (thinks briefly) I know! Let's work on the case so we can at least hand in a field report when we get back to D.C. What were the coordinates of this island again? SCULLY I still can't figure out how Diana Fowley even knew where you were... (Scully trails off, then suddenly looks up and sees that Mulder has realized same thing.) SCULLY Mulder, she's the cow killer! MULDER You know, I didn't mention it at the time, but I got some rusty- looking gunk on my hands when we were investigating. It must be the remnants of shed exoskeletons from insects that Diana Fowley convinced Bambi -- uh, I mean Dr. Berenbaum-to release on the fields. She must have put poison on the spiky little legs so that the cows would die when the bugs landed on them. Do you like bugs, Scully? SCULLY Dr. Who? MULDER Ah, Dr. Bambi Berenbaum. She's an entomologist. SCULLY Oh, right, Bambi. (There is a relatively long silence. Scully glances down at her watch.) SCULLY I don't know what time zone this is, but I'm hungry. Mulder, you have the height advantage. Would you get me a coconut? (Mulder reaches up and takes a coconut from the nearest tree. He throws it against a convenient nearby boulder and it explodes.) MULDER (impressed) Now that's what I call a ripe coconut! SCULLY What the hell is going on here, Mulder? MULDER I think perhaps your brother and Diana Fowley are one step ahead of us. They seem to have rigged random coconuts in an attempt to get rid of their enemies. I never liked your older brother, you know. SCULLY To tell the Truth, I was never very fond of him myself. He was always so pushy, just because he was the oldest. Whenever we played tag as kids, he always had to be "it," and it was just a given that he would be Simon when we played "Simon Says." MULDER (excited) So can I kill him now? SCULLY (sighing) I guess so. MULDER (gently shaking coconut) Figure out which ones are loaded and which are not, and then stack them in a pyramid to concentrate their force. (rubbing hands) This is going to be messy. SCULLY (sighing, to herself) Note to self: allow Mulder to spend more of his free time in the F.B.I. shooting range. JUNE 8, 4:29 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (The boat is setting sail from Flat Island. The only people not on the boat are Fowley, Bill Jr., Cigarette-Smoking Man, and Mrs. Mulder.) MULDER Is everyone aboard who's coming aboard? FROHIKE (at wheel) I think so. Let's move on out! (As the boat pulls further and further from the shore, Mulder is at the bow breathing in the fresh air. Then, gasping, he turns back to Scully.) MULDER My parents! They're still on the island. At least, I think they are. I didn't see them get on the boat. Did you? SCULLY No, come to think of it. SAMANTHA (whining) Fo-ox! MULDER (to Samantha) Oh, quit your whining back there! (to Frohike) We need to go back! My parents aren't on board. (to Scully, his eyes clouding) And there was a bloody field. I remember being there, and you were there, too. Do you recall, Dana? The sun was emerging from behind the clouds, where it had hidden throughout the day, and as you ran out to meet me, the sole survivor of the battle, the air was light and the grass shone, not with the glisten of the fresh blood, but with all the luster of healthy green grass being fed constantly with non-chemical fertilizer. There's no better kind than non-chemical. Otherwise you're just polluting the water supply. Actually, I kind of like it when my water is drugged... FROHIKE I'm sorry. I can't go back. The island will self-destruct any second now. (A recorded female Voice comes from somewhere.) VOICE May I have your attention, please? This island will self-destruct in five...four...three...two...one... As the island explodes, Mulder sneezes and snaps out of his daze. MULDER No! Frohike, turn back! Turn back! We have to look for body parts before we can be sure that they were on the island when it blew up. (As the vessel heads back, Mulder leans over the side, anxiously looking for limbs. Fowley's torso floats by.) MULDER Look, Scully, it's the Fiji Mermaid! I told you there was such a thing! (Scully leans over the side and looks at the object in the water.) SCULLY Mulder, that's Diana Fowley's torso. MULDER Damn. I was this close. (Mulder demonstrates just how close with his fingers. Turning back to the water, he sees Bill Jr.'s head drift past.) MULDER Oh, my God! It's hideous! What on earth is it? SCULLY That's funny. It looks a lot like someone I know. What was his name again? MULDER (puts his hand to his mouth in an expression of mock astonishment) Oh, my! It's Bill! SCULLY Bill? As in, "I want to beat the living shit out of that prick"? MULDER (shaking his head) He just couldn't keep his cool, you know. That's why he lost his head. (Scully eyes him incredulously, but says nothing. Krycek runs up to them, waving a paper.) KRYCEK Hey! Have a look at this! MULDER (reading) "Fox: Don't worry about your father and me." KRYCEK (interrupting) Shouldn't that be "I?" "Your father and I?" MULDER Shut up, Krycek. Whose first language was English, your mother's, or my mother's? KRYCEK Oh, and now who's passing derogatory remarks concerning ethnicity, huh? Your mother's a Jew! MULDER You don't know that. Hell, I don't know that. But if you want to start something, I will take you down here and now, even in front of the women. SCULLY Dammit, Mulder, too much testosterone! Just read the note! MULDER Sorry, Scully. (looks back to note) "Fox: Don't worry about your father and me. We meant to take the boat with you, but Jack and Lord Kinbote came along and took us home. We'll see you when you get back. Love always, Mom." (Spender is heard moaning at the railing. Every now and then, he retches and leans further over the side. Krycek sees him and runs to his side.) KRYCEK Why, Spender, my love, what's wrong? SPENDER No Dramamine. KRYCEK Oh. I see. MULDER (to Scully) You've got no idea how much I'd like to give my half-brother a good hearty pat on the back to cheer him up. In fact, I would, if not for Krycek. Somehow, the thought of being stuck on a boat in the middle of the Pacific with a suicidal, perhaps homicidal, Krycek does not quite appeal. SCULLY Mulder, we're in the South China Sea. MULDER Even worse! BYERS Frohike, I've noticed an odd noise coming from the propellers. It sounds like someone shouting for help. (Mrs. Scully is heard, but not seen, screaming for help from below the boat.) BYERS There it is again. CHARLES (leading way down) I know that voice. (sees his mother) Mom! Why are you clinging desperately to the bottom like that? MRS. SCULLY One minute, I'm sitting in the living room watching "Jerry Springer," then next, I'm here. What can I say? (Mrs. Scully is helped up by her son.) MULDER (to Scully) Scully, does your entire family follow us everywhere? SCULLY Doesn't yours? (Mulder returns to the deck, where Spender has remained. Scully stays behind.) MRS. SCULLY So, Alex Krycek, we meet again. (A horrified shout rings out from the deck above. Mulder comes down the stairs, scratching his head.) MULDER Strangest thing. Never seen anything like it. One moment, he was fine. Then I heard him sneeze, and when I turned around he was gone. I can't find him anywhere now. (Krycek breaks away from Mrs. Scully, who is chewing him out.) KRYCEK What is it? What's happened? MULDER I'm afraid Spender, my dear half-sibling, has disappeared. KRYCEK Oh, no! (runs up to the deck) SCULLY (quietly, to Mulder) Are you sure you don't know what happened to him? MULDER (smirking mischievously) Not entirely. (Krycek returns, with tears in his eyes.) KRYCEK I saw him floundering in the water, but by the time I caught sight of him, it was too late to do anything, for a wave was swallowing him and pulling him under. He was shouting for his mother. I think I saw a shark tug him down. MULDER I always said that boy ought to learn to swim, but would he listen to reason? No-o! He just had to be foolish, and then he refused to wear a life-jacket. MRS. SCULLY (taking Krycek aside) Krycek, you tore my family apart by killing my eldest daughter. However, recent events have helped me find it in my heart to forgive you. KRYCEK Well, all's well that doesn't end with a mass murder, that's what I always say. THE OBELISK WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA JUNE 28, 8:03 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (All the couples, except, of course, Mulder, Krycek, Scully, and Mulder's parents, are married. Mulder is crying.) MULDER I haven't cried this much since I last tried to kill myself. And to think that it was all because I don't sleep on a bed like normal people. Then again, I'm not normal. Maybe I should get a new couch. I think my leather one is giving me back problems. It's just not worth living when you wake up in the morning hunched over like Quasimodo. SCULLY You could get a new sofa, or you could really indulge and buy an actual bed. MULDER You're right. Besides, I think that, in some sort of twisted way, I enjoy getting up and not being able to stand up straight. I have to duck to get in doors all the time anyway. I'm primed for it when I sleep like that. Thanks, Scully. You have helped me solve one of the largest mysteries of my life. SCULLY Mulder, you need to get a grip on reality. MULDER And reality would be...? SCULLY Forget it. I'll drop you off at your apartment on my way home. 42-2630 HEGAL PLACE ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA JUNE 29, 6:23 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder is watching Big Foot footage on his sofa, slouched over in his classic position, with the lights off.) MULDER (V.O.) I really think Big Foot needs new digs. Or maybe I need to move. My apartment depresses me. Or do I live in a hole? I can never keep it straight. At least I don't marinate in my own bile, unlike some people. (There is a knock at the door. Mulder, startled, picks up his gun and creeps over to the door. Looking through the peephole, he sees Scully and calms down. He unlocks the door, goes back to his sofa, and sits down.) MULDER Door's open. (Scully enters.) MULDER You should be more careful, Scully. I wasn't expecting anybody, and you almost got yourself shot. I hate it when people visit me late at night in my apartment. (After an appropriate pause, Mulder begins again, thinking.) MULDER (V.O.) Hold on. Where else could Scully visit me at this hour? SCULLY How come you unlatch the door and then go back and sit down before telling me the door is open? How come you never open the door for me? It's ridiculous. Do you have to be hiding in the shadows all the time? Does this have something to do with your sister? MULDER My sister? I thought everything had to do with my mother. Obviously, I've been misled. So why did you come here? SCULLY I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about how upset you were over your parents. MULDER Well, don't pity me, because I don't want sympathy. I want answers, and I want the Truth. SCULLY The Truth! Is that all you ever think about? MULDER (after pause) So, what about my parents? SCULLY I just wanted to try and cheer you up. Turn on the lights, first of all. It's dark in here. MULDER I happen to like the dark. It gives you some space to fill in what you want to see. SCULLY I want to see what's in front of me. Now turn on the light. (Mulder gets up and flicks on the lights, then sits back down.) MULDER So, do you want to play Battleships? I've got a set under the couch. (Mulder leans over and pulls out the box. He opens it and sets up his board. Scully arranges her own boats and squints in the brightness.) SCULLY Mulder, are you going to become clinically depressed again? There's a chance that your parents are okay. MULDER My parents. My parents! I don't know if you've realized it, but I wasn't frustrated because I thought my parents were dead. I had a rotten childhood, unlike you, and my family has been rather loose at the hinges for as long as I can remember. I could actually care less about my parents. I didn't just leave them behind on that island. I dropped my genuine signed Elvis wig when we were leaving. You think I can replace that? Never! (Scully looks up from her board at Mulder, whose face is now very close to hers.) SCULLY Where was the autograph? MULDER B-3? SCULLY (lost) I beg your pardon? MULDER (gesturing toward board) The game. B-3? SCULLY Hit. MULDER (marks pieces and looks up) Scully? SCULLY What, Mulder? MULDER Do you like iced tea? SCULLY Real sun-brewed iced tea, yes. MULDER Do you happen to have any with you? SCULLY Funny you should ask, Mulder, because I just recently acquired the habit of carrying a bottle with me everywhere. MULDER Scully, there's something I never told you about my name. SCULLY What? It's not the name you use on your home planet? MULDER My parents displayed extraordinarily bad taste when they chose a name for me to go by on Earth. I'm actually Plakekwis. SCULLY What's it mean? MULDER (visibly humiliated) "He who rides with muffins." SCULLY Muffins taste good with iced tea. (Mulder leans forward across the coffee table and kisses her.) MULDER How's that? SCULLY Why haven't you ever kissed me like that before? MULDER The larger government conspiracy. SCULLY That's your answer for everything, isn't it? MULDER No, it's not. SCULLY But anytime I ask you for an explanation, that's what you say. Why is that? MULDER It's because I don't know the real answer, and I feel more secure if I can blame my own social shortcomings on something beyond my control. It's really not all that different from you being a devout Roman Catholic. You turn to God for answers, correct? I turn to the larger government conspiracy. SCULLY Mulder, you're crazy. (looking back at her board) J-13? MULDER Sunk. How did you know that's where it was? SCULLY I looked at your board when you kissed me. MULDER Another reason why they put the "I" in "F.B.I." (pause) Do you want your own desk? SCULLY No. I'll just keep sharing yours. MULDER That wasn't what I meant. SCULLY What the hell could you possibly have meant, then? MULDER I meant, "Marry me." SCULLY Oh. (Mulder gets up and walks over to Scully's chair. He kneels down and puts his head on her knee. Scully strokes his hair in a motherly way.) MULDER I love you, Scully. I want you for the rest of my life. And I want to give you anything your heart desires. And I want you to take care of my fish. SCULLY (breathing deeply) No. MULDER (picking up his head from her lap) What do you mean, "No?" SCULLY I mean, "No." MULDER But I thought you loved me! SCULLY I do. MULDER And I thought you liked to feed my fish! SCULLY I do. MULDER So why won't you marry me? SCULLY Because you're Mulder, and I'm Scully. (Mulder sighs and puts his head back in her lap.) MULDER I love you, Scully. SCULLY (stroking his hair) I know, Mulder. MULDER RESIDENCE QUONOCHONTAUG, MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MASSACHUSETTS JUNE 30, 5:27 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (The camera is on the ground the next morning. There is grass all around, and there are lots of bugs. However, the shot is so close to the ground that the insects appear huge, human-sized. Panning through, an organized behavior becomes evident. The ants are dancing around in a circle. Sound becomes louder, and the words of the song the ants are singing become audible.) ANTS I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show. My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw. Papa would do whatever he could; Preach a little gospel, Sell a couple bottles of Doctor Good. Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! We'd hear it from the people of the town, They'd call us Gypsies, tramps, and thieves! But every night all the men would come around And lay their money down. (Suddenly, two huge shadows are thrown across the scene. The Ants begin screaming and running to get away. Two left feet slam to the ground simultaneously, crushing those Ants who were not quick enough. Panning back up to the sky, Mulder and Scully are looking out at Bill Mulder's old house in Martha's Vineyard. Entering the house, Mulder spots two pies in the kitchen. He tastes them.) MULDER It's my two favorite kinds of pie! Sweet potato and banana cream! SCULLY I saw some water skis in the back near the lake. They looked like they had just been used. (Suddenly, Mrs. Mulder and Cigarette-Smoking Man jump out from behind bush. Cigarette-Smoking Man lights his first cigarette.) MRS. MULDER and CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN Surprise! We're not dead! CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting second cigarette) Ms. Scully -- SCULLY (correcting him) *Dr.* Scully. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting third cigarette) Dr. Scully, I think I owe you an apology for trying to kill you a while back. I hope you understand I was only doing my job. SCULLY And I was only doing mine, sir. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fourth cigarette) We know all about you and my son. Feel free to call me whatever you like. (Scully opens her mouth as though about to say something decidedly derogatory, but she is interrupted by Cigarette-Smoking Man.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifth cigarette) Within the bounds of good taste. MULDER What are you talking about? "All about you and my son" what? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting sixth cigarette; surprised) You mean you're not...? MULDER No, we're not. Whatever gave you that idea? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting seventh cigarette; quickly) Oh, nothing. Excuse me a moment. I have to make a phone call. (Mulder and Scully walk into the house. In the living room, they find a huge mass of people-basically everyone who is still alive after the ordeal on Flat Island, including Sharon Blevins -- formerly Sharon Skinner, the Section Chief, AD Skinner, Samantha -- now Samantha Skinner, Missy, Jack, and Lord Kinbote, waiting. It is a surprise party for Mulder and Scully, and all the guests accordingly deafen their honorees.) MULDER I'm surprised! (to Scully) Are you surprised? (to Cigarette-Smoking Man) I'm not going to ask how you managed to hide all these people in one house, or even how you got them all in one place at one time. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eighth cigarette; modestly) It helps to know the people who do abductions. SCULLY (to Mulder) Mulder, what's that yipping noise? It sounds like Queequeg. MULDER I'm sorry, Scully, but Queequeg is dead. However, I got you a Pomeranian. (Mulder magically pulls a dog out of his trenchcoat. Scully takes the dog in her arms.) SCULLY I'll name him Ishmael. It is a "him," isn't it? MULDER It seems to be a him now. I promise not to let him out of sight near swamps. JACK (approaching Mulder and Scully) Tell me this is not happening. MULDER and SCULLY This is not happening. JACK Thanks. End Part 1/3 Part 2/3 35-3170 WEST 53 ROAD ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND JULY 4, 3:03 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully is sitting on her sofa, reading. Nearby, Ishmael lies on his back, in a staring contest with the ceiling. In the background, a radio, appropriately fuzzy, can be heard.) RADIO ANNOUNCER ...and in the news: A man, oddly dressed in a skin-tight alien suit, died of head injuries late last night. The wounds appeared to be self- inflicted. According to witnesses, the man, identified only as "Jack," was smacking his head against a door, repeating, "This is not happening, this is not happening," when he collapsed. No further details are known about the man's family, occupation, or place of residence, past or present. (The phone rings. Scully answers it.) SCULLY Yes? MULDER Scully! Guess what I found in my extensive video library? SCULLY (closing her eyes in uneasy anticipation) Um...every episode from the first season of "Baywatch?" MULDER No, better! SCULLY The original Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee video? MULDER A tape of your alien autopsy -- uncut! Do you want it? SCULLY Oh, why don't you see if you can sell it to the Psychic Network for profit? MULDER I thought of that, but they wouldn't take it. They said it had something to do with your sister. SCULLY My sister? MULDER Yeah. She was on their payroll for a while or something. SCULLY You never believed that she was psychic, did you? MULDER I'll tell you what I do think. I think Missy watches you wherever you go. 46-20 SOUTH 114 STREET ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 3:16 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Missy is looking at a small television set, on which Scully is visible, sitting on her sofa.) MISSY Damn straight I do. 35-3170 WEST 53 ROAD ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 3:17 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully is still on her sofa, on the phone with Mulder.) SCULLY Mulder, lately I've gotten to thinking. What if she's not dead? (There is a knock on the door.) SCULLY Hold on a minute. (Taking her cordless phone with her, Scully walks to the door, looks through the peephole, and gasps.) MULDER Scully? Scully, what is it? Talk to me! Scully! SCULLY (putting phone up to her ear) Mulder, how fast can you get here? MULDER I'm on my way. 3:46 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder runs up to Scully's apartment at top speed, tripping once or twice on the way. Scully opens the door for him.) SCULLY I thought I saw my sister, Mulder. MULDER Where? SCULLY In the hall. MULDER Well, there's no one out there now. I was just- -- (He is cut off by another knock. He opens the door without looking through the peephole. Missy runs to her sister and hugs her.) MISSY Dana! I missed you! SCULLY Now *that's* the understatement of the year! MULDER Let it go. It's just the universal sibling greeting, applicable to absences of any length. MISSY Perhaps I should explain. MULDER No, don't worry about it. There's no need to explain how you sustained a fatal head wound, were pronounced dead on the operating table, and yet miraculously escaped from the mortuary. I'll let you two sort this out yourselves. (Mulder turns to leave, but Missy stops him.) MISSY No, Mulder, wait. This concerns you, too. (Mulder returns and sits on the couch with Scully. Missy takes the chair facing them.) MISSY As you may recall, I was missing for a number of years in the early 90's. During this time, none of my family knew quite where I was. I would like to add here that I myself did not know where I was, either. I had left under the pretext of launching on a spiritual journey. Little did I know that the Syndicate was watching the Scullys very carefully. Long story short, Dana and your sister Samantha aren't the only ones with clones, Mulder. When "I" visited Dana that night, I suspected that someone might be waiting with a gun, so I cleverly sent off one of my clones. SCULLY But how can we tell it's you talking to us now? For all we know, you could be another clone. MISSY The only things my clones could say were "Dana? It's Missy," and "Discount kumquats from Johannes the kumquat monger!" I think you'd know the difference. MULDER Its seems to me that the entire world is watching us, Scully. MISSY Oh, and I have another surprise for you. SCULLY It's not impressive enough that you defied all odds and came back, seemingly from the dead? MISSY I'm married to Alex Krycek! (abruptly changing subjects; to Scully) So, tell me, how is Bill? SCULLY (flustered) Well, uh, he's keeping his head above the water. (puzzled) What do you mean you're married to Alex Krycek? MULDER He's bi? MISSY He's the most wonderful homicidal maniac I've ever met! MULDER But he...he's...not even... MISSY (shaking head) Agent Mulder, you amaze me. You can accept extreme possibilities, but you simply can't believe that a man with one arm could be more attractive than you are...anyway, I love Alex in a way that you never could, so I guess you'll just have to accept that. And, besides, he won't kill me again. I know that. SCULLY But why not? He must be using you for something. Does he want to get close enough to make more attempts on our lives? MISSY Oh, Dana! It's not all about you! SCULLY Well, what is it about, then? MULDER Excuse me a moment, ladies. (Mulder gets up, and goes into the kitchen. He picks up the phone and dials.) MULDER Hello, Byers? It's Mulder. BYERS Hold on, Mulder. (shouting) Frohike, will you put down that antenna? You're screwing up the phone line. The cable guy said he'd come and fix the box A.S.A.P. (pause) It's Mulder. (pause; then, to Mulder) Frohike says hello. Sorry. We lost our cable. All our set picks up is a test signal. One minute. (shouting again) Langly, get Chuck away from there. He might accidentally turn off the filter, and there's no telling how the clone will react. (back to Mulder) I apologize. Chaos is reigning down here. MULDER If this is a bad time... BYERS Nonsense. Why did you call? MULDER I need you to pull up a file. BYERS Whose? MULDER Melissa Scully's. BYERS (typing) "Melissa Scully." (pause) That's odd. There are five Melissa Scullys. MULDER She claims to have been cloned. Are they genetically identical? BYERS (clicking) Except for one, yes. MULDER It doesn't happen to have a record of which one died, does it? BYERS Actually, it does. But I couldn't say if it was a clone or not. MULDER Why is that? BYERS Right, like the government is going to tell us which ones are clones and which are not. MULDER So how many of them are there, other than the one in my living room? BYERS Well, one of the matches is a coincidence. There are two more live ones. MULDER Hold on! Don't clones bleed green blood? BYERS I suppose so. MULDER The night she allegedly died, Melissa Scully bled all around the door to this apartment. Can I put you on hold? BYERS Sure. (Mulder puts the phone down and walks out of the apartment into the hall. After inspecting the floor carefully, he returns to the kitchen and picks up the phone.) MULDER I guess they scrubbed it all off. Or it wore away. There's nothing there. Let me go get Scully. (He walks casually into the next room, where Scully is talking to "Missy.") MULDER (to "Missy") Excuse me, I just need to borrow Scully for a moment. (Mulder takes Scully aside and leads her back to the kitchen.) MULDER What color was the blood at the apartment door when your sister was shot? SCULLY I don't remember. Mulder, she knows too much not to be Missy. MULDER That's exactly what I said about Samantha's clone. Look, I have Byers on the phone right here, and he says that your sister has three clones. One Melissa Scully was a different person entirely, but of the other four that came up, one is dead. What we need to figure out now is whether the one who died was a clone. SCULLY I see. (thinks) No, I have no idea. MULDER In that case, short of finding and gathering the other two, there's only one way to find out who we've got in there. (picking up phone) Byers, I believe we have this sorted out. Thanks for the help. (hangs up; turns to Scully) How soon can we get a quarantine ward and some protective gear? SCULLY I can't do this to my sister! It's rude! MULDER She may not be your sister. SCULLY (sighing) You're right. I can't think of any other way to tell. (They return to the living room.) "MISSY" (as they enter) You two are so cute. A match sent from above! MULDER (turning beet red) We're not...! SCULLY (cutting him off) We need you to come with us. Missy, you may be telling the Truth, but we know of only one way to be sure. ("Missy" rises and follows them out. Cut to the car on the way to the hospital. "Missy" is fiddling with a bit of paper in the back seat. Scully is driving. Suddenly, "Missy" cuts her finger on the paper.) "MISSY" Ouch! ("Missy" puts her finger in her mouth. Mulder turns and examines "Missy's" bleeding finger.) MULDER Look, Scully. It's red. (Scully pulls the car over and looks at her sister's blood.) SCULLY Oh. Well. I guess we don't have to go to that quarantine ward anyway. MISSY So...you'll just drop me off at my apartment, then? MULDER I guess so. Unless there's someplace else you'd rather go...? MISSY No, I'd just like to get home and tend to my cat. SCULLY Cat? MISSY (sniffing) Yes. Poor little Fiona. She got hit by a car, and she just hasn't been the same since. MULDER (intrigued, handing Missy tissue) Car? MISSY (wiping her eyes with tissue) A hearse, actually. I'm not sure that Fifi will make it. (Scully turns back to the wheel and putts the car in gear.) SCULLY Yeah, well, I'll just take you back home so you can take care of Fifi. 46-20 SOUTH 114 STREET ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 4:34 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Missy is walking up to her door, and Scully is watching her go absentmindedly.) MULDER Scully? Are you okay? SCULLY (snapping) Yes, I'm fine. MULDER You seemed so uncomfortable about your sister's cat. SCULLY Oh, it's nothing. I'm just...allergic to cats, that's all. MULDER Really? SCULLY Yes, really. MULDER (nodding) Oh. (Cut to the inside of Missy's apartment. Missy unlocks her door. As she walks in, Krycek dives out from nowhere and tackles her, knocking her to the ground. Pinning her on the floor, he smiles and kisses her.) KRYCEK Hi. MISSY Rough day at work? KRYCEK Always. (Missy suddenly takes Krycek's left arm and pulls it off. She uses it to flip Krycek off, and then she stands over him, pointing the arm at him.) MISSY I win. KRYCEK (groaning) You always win. It isn't fair. MISSY Life just isn't fair, Alex. (Missy holds out Krycek's left arm. He takes it in his right hand and pulls himself up on it. Krycek takes his arm back, and Missy kisses his forehead.) MISSY You're cooking. (Missy walks into her bedroom, where Fifi is lying in a box, wrapped in a blanket. Missy creeps over to the box, looks in, and gasps. Lifting the now-stiff Fifi from her box, she breathes in, trying to control her emotion. Krycek appears in the doorway behind her. Holding the dead cat close, she can't stop the tears. She breaks down, and cries to her husband.) MISSY Daddy, our baby's gone! (Krycek puts his prosthetic arm on her shoulder comfortingly.) F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA JULY 6, 12:31 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder is arriving at work. Mulder leaves the car and walks in. He presses the button for the lift. As he waits for the lift to arrive, he notices a man in a dark duster watching him. The man's right hand is hidden suspiciously in the pocket of his trenchcoat. Mulder looks nervously over his shoulder every few seconds. When the lift opens, Mulder steps on. He is the only person in the lift. As the doors close, he sees the man approaching the lift. The man stays near the lift, watching the numbers go up. The lift reaches the fifth floor. The dark man steps onto the next lift. Mulder steps off on the fifth floor, turns, and looks at the triangles above the lift next to him. The one on the right, in green, points up. Looking around him, he notices that there's no one else in the hallway. He presses the down button, tapping the floor skittishly, eyes darting around, twitching. Someone walks by and gives him a look. Finally, the lift comes up. Mulder holds the lift, waiting for what he thinks will be the dark man to come up after him. The lift next to him slides open, and he quickly hits the button for the basement. As the doors close, he sees the man walk past. The man looks at the lift Mulder just got onto, sees the red arrow on the left pointing down, and swears under his breath. Mulder arrives back at his basement office. Scully has been waiting for him, and she is sitting at his desk, staring up at the ceiling.) MULDER Oh, hi there. SCULLY Hi there, yourself. Where've you been? MULDER Scully, you would not believe how grateful I am at this very moment that you can only see where the elevator is going from the first floor. SCULLY What? MULDER You know how you only see the numbers of the floors where the elevator is going when you're on the first floor? And then every other floor only has those arrows? SCULLY (nodding) Mmhmm... MULDER (shrugging and sighing) Forget it. SCULLY While you were out having elevator revelations, I sifted through some of these files. Are you aware that this so-called "Norwegian Lobster" has been sighted in over fifteen states, as well as several Canadian provinces? MULDER Ah, yes. SCULLY How do you explain that, given that the creature allegedly needs a watery environment to survive? MULDER I don't. SCULLY Do you think...it might...fly? MULDER I hadn't entertained the thought, but now that you mention it... SCULLY Oh, and I found this on your desk. (handing him envelope) It was addressed to you. (Mulder gestures for Scully to open the envelope. Taking the envelope back, Scully tears it open and reads it. Then she hands the paper to Mulder.) SCULLY Well? MULDER Well, what? SCULLY The letter. MULDER What about it? (Scully takes the paper back from Mulder and points out a place on the page.) SCULLY Congratulations to us both on what? MULDER I don't know. My father's incompetent communications personnel, perhaps? SCULLY (pointing to another place) And then this. MULDER (reading) "Please report to the OPR committee as soon as possible for your reassignments. Respectfully, Ursula Major, OPR." SCULLY Reassignment? MULDER Hey, I don't write it, I just read it. (Cut to the OPR hearing room. The panel is stony-faced, but they are startled when Mulder and Scully come in.) OPR CHAIRPERSON Do sit down. The hearing will commence immediately. Now, Agents Mulder and...? SCULLY Still "Scully," ma'am. CHAIRPERSON Ah, yes. Agents Scully and Mulder, it has come to our attention that you have been recently wed at a private ceremony. MULDER No, ma'am, we were not. CHAIRPERSON Then what are you doing here? SCULLY I don't know, ma'am. We were hoping you could answer that question. CHAIRPERSON Well, I have no idea what you're here for, so you may as well go back to whatever it was that you were working on. By the way, what is it that you two do? MULDER We wade through endless mires of obfuscation in our consuming quest for the Truth, sacrificing personal interests in the hope of gaining insight into the true nature of Nature, ma'am. CHAIRPERSON Yes, well, go do that. (bangs gavel) You are dismissed. (Cut to Mulder and Scully approaching the door to their office.) SCULLY I'd like to ask them what it is *they* do. MULDER (unlocking door) Meetings, that's what they do. Speaking of which, we're going to investigate some more of those mysterious dead cows. SCULLY (entering, followed by Mulder) Mulder, cows die every day. MULDER Yeah, but not like these ones. Here are the slides I got in from the Midwest. There have been some more "lightning" cow deaths, about 1000 miles away from the last site near Vancouver. Since all the perpetrators in the first incident are dead, we need to find out who they were working for and why the cows had to die. Don't you find it rather odd that only certain cows from the herd were killed? SCULLY Maybe the cow killer likes his beef aged. MULDER What exactly did you find when you did an autopsy on the first cattle? SCULLY Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. But we never did get toxicology reports. MULDER Do you think they've still got the stiffs in the county morgue? SCULLY I certainly hope not. MULDER Better check out the newest ones, then. To Minnesota! (As Mulder is heading out the door, the phone rings. Scully turns back and looks at it, expecting Mulder to pick it up. Mulder just stands in the doorway and waits for Scully to answer it. It rings five times.) MULDER Are you just going to let it ring? SCULLY Aren't you going to answer it? MULDER (looks up at door jamb, thinking) No. (Scully walks back to the phone and picks up the receiver, staring coldly at Mulder.) SCULLY Hello? (pause) Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. Really. (pause) I'm sure he did all he could. (pause; looks at her watch) Yeah, I guess I could make it then. Is it short? (pause) Mulder, too? (Scully covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Mulder.) SCULLY Fifi died. There's a funeral at nine. My sister wants us both there. (Mulder is still looking at the doorjamb. Scully hisses at him.) SCULLY Mulder! MULDER (starts) I'll pick up the Dramamine if you get the Claritin. SCULLY (back into phone) Yes, Missy, we'll both be there. (pause) I'm sure I don't. See you then. (Scully hangs up. They leave.) HOWLERS' HAVEN QUANTICO, VIRGINIA 2:03 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (The service is in an octagonal room. There are heavy black velvet curtains with silver tassels on the rose-colored stained glass windows. There are colorless crystals drops in the windows. In each corner, there are white roses and lilies in big black vases on pedestals. The coffin is at the center of the room draped in black lace with two lilies and one rose on top of it. Guests are seated in a semi-circle around the coffin. On one side of the coffin, Missy stands at a podium. Krycek is seated behind her. Mulder sniffs the air critically upon entering.) MULDER (to Scully) How long has this cat been dead? MISSY I have asked all of you to attend this service so that we might comfort the restless pneuma of my beloved cat. Fifi was recently struck by a passing hearse, and, despite the best medical attention we could provide, she slipped away from us. (Missy turns away momentarily, weeping. Krycek walks over to her and holds her for a few seconds. Then she nods and continues. The camera pans over to Mulder and Scully, sitting towards the back.) MULDER Scully, what the hell are we doing here? SCULLY I don't know. Just relax. I'm sure my sister asked us to come for a reason. MISSY (weeping) Those of us who knew Fifi and loved her shall not soon forget her. She touched my life, as I'm sure she touched yours. MULDER This is too corny, Scully. I'll wait for you outside. (Mulder starts to get up, but Scully stops him.) SCULLY Sit back down! MISSY (raising arms to sky) I call on all the phantasms of the underworld! If it be within thy power to bestow, then return the precious elan vital of Fifi to her cadaver! Spirits, I implore thee! MULDER You know, on second thoughts, this might get interesting. (There is a crash of thunder, and lightning splits the sky outside. Missy is now screaming.) MISSY Redate suam animam! Redate mihi eam! Date mihi signum! (Scully, trembling all over, falls over and buries her head on Mulder's shoulder. Mulder, who figures that he ought to do something if Scully is flinging herself on him hysterically, puts his arms around her and kisses the top of her head. Missy continues screaming throughout.) MISSY Animae! Vos testor! Audite vocem meam! Audite causam meam! (Suddenly, the thunder and lightning stops. Missy is calm once more. Looking at the coffin in front of her, she smiles and holds out her arms.) MISSY Behold! My prayers are acknowledged and answered! (There is a rustling in Fifi's coffin, and everyone, including Scully, who has moved back from Mulder, gasps. Stretching and meowing, Fifi steps stiffly out of the open coffin. Missy holds her up.) MISSY Oh, many thanks, spectra, for thy benevolent gift! (Cut to the exterior of the building. Mulder and Scully are walking back to their car to head off to the airport.) SCULLY Thanks, Mulder. MULDER What for? SCULLY For covering for me back there. MULDER Where? SCULLY When Missy started screaming in Latin and invoking the spirits. MULDER (realizing) You were laughing. SCULLY I couldn't let Missy see that. MULDER No, I suppose not. SCULLY I mean, it's one thing to laugh at you. It quite another to laugh at my *sister*. COUNTY MORGUE ALEXANDRIA, MINNESOTA 6:22 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder is sitting in a corner, facing the wall and eating sunflower seeds. Scully is doing an autopsy. Mulder hears the snap of latex and turns around to face Scully.) MULDER Finished? (Mulder sees the bloody cow corpse. He pales, and faces the wall again.) SCULLY This is interesting, Mulder. You might want to see. MULDER I doubt it. (gets up and walks to Scully) SCULLY I thought perhaps there was something in the cows -- you know, retrovirus, electronic device, mutant being, extraterrestrial parasite. The usual suspects. MULDER Great. You recheck the organs. I'll meet you back at the motel. We'll do dinner. SCULLY But, Mulder, I think I've- -- MULDER I've got to go. (Mulder dashes out door. Scully halfheartedly finishes her thought.) SCULLY ...found something. (Scully sighs and turns back to the autopsy.) RAY'S MOTOR LODGE STARBUCK, MINNESOTA 7:30 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder is on the phone.) MULDER Yeah. (pause) Yes. (pause) Uh-huh. (pause) Wait. Let me check. (Mulder gets up, gets a spare pair of pants, and looks at the tag.) MULDER Size 37. (pause) No! Not at all! Never! (pause) Hello? Hello? (hangs up and dials again) Hello, Frohike? It's Mulder again. FROHIKE Yeah, my fault. It was that damn cable box. MULDER Still not fixed? FROHIKE Well, it was, until about an hour ago. Then my Scully clone sneezed and everything in the place went haywire. MULDER That's too bad. I needed some more help getting into restricted government areas. But if your equipment isn't working, then I don't see how -- FROHIKE (cutting him off) Well, when I say everything went haywire, I don't mean to imply that it's all still on the fritz. We had you father come down and recharge the clone. He gave us some extra blood for her, too. It seems that she got a cut on her finger and very quietly bled into the sink. Anyway, we have all systems up and running except for the cable, which went back out and wouldn't come on again as soon as your father left. (away from phone) Yes, Langly, we know you're going to miss "General Hospital." (pause; to Mulder) Listen, Mulder, could you tape it for him? MULDER I'd love to, but I haven't got any tapes. I'm in Minnesota. There's a tape in here, but I'm saving it. FROHIKE (expecting something dirty) What's on it? MULDER A six-hour in-depth documentary on the history and uses of gelatin. FROHIKE Right. Has married life made you a bit touched in the head, my friend? MULDER I'm not married! I'm just in Minnesota! FROHIKE Sure. Fine. Whatever. Now, where do you need to go? MULDER I need you to help me find the ova that were stolen from Scully during her abduction. FROHIKE No problem. Do you want them sent by overnight or two-day delivery? MULDER What the hell are you talking about? FROHIKE Oh, boy have you been out of the loop! They shut down the clinic a few days ago. We heard they were selling everything at discounts at a going-out-of-business sale, so we went down and picked up Scully's ova. And it was a bargain, too! MULDER How did I not find out about this? FROHIKE My guess is that you were -- (clears throat) -- *busy*. MULDER Why is everyone clearing their throats at me? FROHIKE It's not important. So, overnight? MULDER (sees Scully entering) Yeah, that sounds good, Frohike. I'll talk to you later. (Mulder hangs up and turns to Scully as she approaches.) SCULLY We need to talk about those cows. (The phone rings. Mulder holds up a finger to Scully and answers it.) MULDER Hello? FROHIKE It's Frohike again. Listen, we can't find those ova anywhere. All that's in the box where we put them is a slip of paper saying some of them were shipped to the town you were in near Vancouver and others to a town in Minnesota. Right where you are now. MULDER How do you know right where I am now? (pause) I'm beginning to see a pattern developing here. Thanks. (hangs up; to Scully) What did you find? SCULLY As I was about to show you before you left, each cow had an incision mark on its oviduct. When I reopened this cut, I found human ova in every one. MULDER Were they yours? SCULLY (surprised) Yes, they were. How did you know? MULDER Sometimes, you just have to expect the weirdest. SCULLY I ordered some pizza on my way here. It should be here any second now. MULDER Despite the fact that you're not supposed to be in this room right now? SCULLY Ah, what the hell. It isn't like anything's going to happen. MULDER (raising eyebrow devilishly) Well, you never know. (There is a knock at the door.) SCULLY I'll get that. (Scully pays the delivery boy and takes the pizza inside. She puts it on a large table nearby.) SCULLY Hungry? MULDER (sniffing air critically) What's on it? SCULLY Nothing. It's just plain. MULDER No tofu? SCULLY No tofu. MULDER Really? SCULLY Really. MULDER Promise? SCULLY Promise. MULDER Cross you heart? SCULLY Cross my heart. MULDER Hope to die? SCULLY Hope to die. MULDER Stick a needle in y -- SCULLY (cutting him off) Will you just eat it already? (Mulder pulls out a slice and hands it to Scully before taking one for himself. They eat in silence. Suddenly, Mulder speaks.) MULDER I think I heard something. SCULLY (mouth full) Hm? MULDER A little rustling, like a mouse, or a -- (Suddenly, the door is knocked off its hinges and Armed Men burst into the room. First Armed Man indicates Mulder and Scully with his gun.) MULDER -- or a troop of covert-op military cadets. FIRST ARMED MAN You two, hands against the wall! (Mulder and Scully comply. The other men frisk Mulder and Scully. Mulder looks back over his shoulder at the men.) MULDER What does my father want this time? ARMED MAN I can't tell you that! It would spoil the whole plot! We've been ordered to take you to an army base near here. Now if you'll just come with us... (They put Mulder in one car and Scully in the other and drive off into the night.) MIZPAH, MINNESOTA JULY 7, 5:56 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder, shirtless, is bodily tossed into a cement cell reminiscent of the gulag some hours later. The door slams behind him. Scully is already there waiting for him. Mulder groans.) SCULLY My God, Mulder! What have they done to you? (Mulder, lying face down on the floor, turns over slowly and painfully so that he is lying on his back.) MULDER They scared me shirtless. Five hours of Prince can break a man. SCULLY (nodding solemnly) So they say. MULDER Then they asked me about my student loans. SCULLY Your what? MULDER Student loans. Apparently, I never paid them off, and my father wants me to remunerate him. Did they do anything to you? SCULLY No, I've just been sitting around waiting for you. (Scully pulls a flashlight out of Mulder's trenchcoat, which is lying on the ground near her, and begins inspecting Mulder's wounds. Mulder groans.) MULDER Why not just turn on the lights? SCULLY Lights? (Scully looks up and sees light switch. She gets up, goes to the corner, and flips the switch. Then she returns to Mulder.) SCULLY Let's see. Your entire back is covered with burns and lacerations. Your arms and shoulders are bruised practically everywhere. You have a black eye. They kicked you repeatedly in the stomach, didn't they? (Mulder struggles to answer her.) SCULLY No, don't talk. You're bleeding profusely from a gash on your abdomen. (finds his shirt) I'll stop the flow with this. (binds him up) I hope you're not bleeding internally. MULDER (groaning) Can't feel...left leg... SCULLY (checking) It's broken. Can you move the other leg? (he moves it) Good. There's nothing wrong with your spinal cord. I hope you've just got some kind of analgesia in your left leg, because otherwise you've severed a nerve. (looks around) How are we going to get out of here? (Mulder shivers and breaks into cold sweat.) MULDER Cold. (Scully puts her hand on his forehead.) SCULLY You're going into shock. I wish you wouldn't. MULDER (sitting up and becoming annoyed) I've been cruelly mistreated and beaten to God knows what end, and now you're asking me not to go into shock? (Mulder collapses. Scully wraps him in his trenchcoat and props up his legs.) SCULLY Mulder? MULDER I'm so cold... SCULLY We're going to find a way out of here. MULDER What about the door? SCULLY Door? (looks behind her; picks him up) Slowly, now. (With Mulder leaning on her, Scully walks out the door, which is open. When they get outside, they discover their car waiting for them with the keys in the ignition. It looks suspicious, so Scully decides to take public transportation back.) F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA JULY 9, 2:23 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder, so bandaged up he might as well be in a body cast, is "sitting" in his chair in his office desperately trying to look nonchalant. Scully is taking notes for him.) MULDER And, so, finally, beaten within an inch of my life, we returned to town and then caught the first plane back home from there. SCULLY This is probably one of the most credible reports we've ever handed in. MULDER Figures that I'd end up like this, though. SCULLY What do you mean? MULDER Well, I seem to have a knack for having the shit kicked out of me, whereas you just contract incurable diseases, for which I subsequently find the remedy. So it figures that I'm in covered in all manner of bandages. Ouch! SCULLY What did you do now? MULDER Paper cut. Could you put a Band-Aid on it? (Scully covers the cut.) MULDER Thanks. See, this is what I call living. SCULLY Battered to a pulp and forced to vegetate for a long period of recuperation? MULDER No. Surviving said brutal onslaught long enough to write about it. Sometimes I wonder why I go to work every day when it invariably involves risking my life and occasionally the lives of others. Obviously, I do it to protect the innocent, but where's my personal gain? Then I realized that I am willing to do this because I like the adventure and I like the feeling that I've managed to stay alive another day. What about you? SCULLY I've actually been giving that some serious thought, too. I stopped after the part about protecting the innocent, because that was enough for me. But now that you mention it, I suppose that knowing that I can fend for myself in such situations is fairly satisfying. MULDER Yeah. (long pause) Okay, I've exhausted my philosophical repertoire. SCULLY Me, too. (After a pause, Scully helps Mulder get out the door and shuts it behind them. Fade to black.) 35-3170 WEST 53 ROAD ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND OCTOBER 11, 4:21 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully are sitting on the sofa in Scully's apartment. Ishmael is on Scully's lap, on his back, and Scully is scratching his stomach. Mulder is trying to have a conversation with the prone dog.) MULDER Ishmael? Are you listening to me? Ishmael? SCULLY Mulder. He's a dog. He's being petted. Do you honestly believe that he's going to do anything more than passively gaze into space? MULDER He could at least give some sign of life. SCULLY Do I talk to your fish? MULDER Well, no, but... (Mulder is interrupted by Armed Men bursting into the room. It is the same set of men who brought Mulder and Scully to the gulag.) MULDER Hey, don't we know you? FIRST ARMED MAN I can't tell you that. SCULLY What do you want this time? FIRST ARMED MAN I can't tell -- MULDER (interrupting) Oh, shut up. What do you want? FIRST ARMED MAN Well, Mr. Mulder, since you insist, I will disobey my superior's express orders to beat indiscriminately -- MULDER Oh, cut the bullshit. We all know your superior is my father. FIRST ARMED MAN It's about your student loans. Because your debt to your father is so huge, as well as the fact that our federal funds have been reduced, we can only afford to temporarily incarcerate and abuse one of you this time. You got the short straw, Agent...Scully. MULDER What?! She has nothing to do with this. This is strictly between my dad and me. FIRST ARMED MAN Fine. We'll take you. As long as we get to beat up one of you. By the way, have you heard from your sister lately? MULDER No, thank goodness. FIRST ARMED MAN Not surprising, considering that she just completely vanished into thin air while watching "Jerry Springer." The strangest things have been happening to viewers of that show. MULDER (concealing his joy) She vanished, you say? Completely gone? Not returning? FIRST ARMED MAN Afraid so. Absolutely no chance of survival. She became nothing. A very interesting case. A human transformed into pure energy -- black matter. MULDER Damn! Surely her energy still exists. FIRST ARMED MAN That's what makes it even stranger. Her energy was immediately absorbed by the apple she had been eating. That is one huge, high- calorie apple, let me tell you. MULDER What are they going to do with the apple? FIRST ARMED MAN Take it to a fair and sell it to the highest bidder. MULDER Good to know Samantha's going to return something to society. (pause) So do you really need to torture me again? FIRST ARMED MAN As long as you know about the loans, I guess not. MULDER The check is in the mail. (Mulder begins to nudge the men out door, but they resist.) FIRST ARMED MAN Wait a minute. I only said you didn't have to be beaten. You still do have to come with us to your father. (Armed Men take Mulder out and packs him into a car waiting outside.) PRINCE WILLIAM WAREHOUSE TRIANGLE, VA 5:22 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder is standing in the center of a white room. Cigarette-Smoking Man enters, lighting his first cigarette. With him is a small man with a notepad on which he nervously scribbles throughout.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN Hello there, son. Happy birthday, in case I don't see you on Tuesday. Good of you to come. MULDER You mean I had choice? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting second cigarette) You could have chosen to come, or you could have chosen to be battered senseless and forcibly brought here. But you did have a choice. MULDER Some choice. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting third cigarette) We like to make decisions easy for you, son. MULDER Sure. Fine. Whatever. So what did you want to see me about? I've already told you I'd pay back the student loans. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fourth cigarette) Actually, the student loans have nothing to do with anything anymore. You'll notice that your paycheck from the F.B.I. will be a little smaller for a while. It will eventually return to normal, but in the meantime a tiny bit will be automatically sent to me before the check gets to you. I thought you might have something to say to me. MULDER Nope. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifth cigarette) You're sure? MULDER Absolutely. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting sixth cigarette) Nothing? Extraterrestrials? The larger government conspiracy? Religious persuasion? The plot of this movie? MULDER Well, now that you mention it, I was wondering about that last one -- CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting seventh cigarette; interrupting) Too bad. We can't discuss that. MULDER In that case, Dad, I'd like to know whether I'm really a Jew. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eighth cigarette; sucks in a deep breath with some effort) Well, son, Teena has been a closet Jew all along, and both your mother and I were mitzvahed. However, we were non-religious after that, which accounts for your existence, as well as that of your sister. MULDER Speaking of whom, do you happen to know what happened to her? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting ninth cigarette) So, how about that fight that broke out on "Jerry Springer" the other day? (whistles) (Mulder is amazed that Cigarette-Smoking Man can whistle with nine cigarettes in his mouth.) MULDER Wow! How did you do that? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting tenth cigarette) Do what? MULDER Oh, never mind. (serious) Dad! What happened to her? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eleventh cigarette) What happened to who? MULDER (correcting) Whom. To whom. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twelfth cigarette) To whom? MULDER What about whom? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting thirteenth cigarette) What happened to whom? MULDER Who's whom? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fourteenth cigarette) I don't know. That's what I was asking you. Start over. MULDER Where did I start? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifteenth cigarette) Lackey! Read me back the last thing few things we said! LACKEY (reading from notepad) ...as well as that of your sister, speaking of whom, do you happen to know what happened to her, so, how about that fight that broke out on "Jerry Springer" the other day, wow, how did you do that, do what, oh, never mind, Dad, what happened to her, what happened to who, whom, to whom -- (Cigarette-Smoking Man starts to light sixteenth cigarette, but Lackey continues.) LACKEY -- to whom (Cigarette-Smoking Man starts to light sixteenth cigarette again, but Lackey continues.) LACKEY -- what about whom -- (Cigarette-Smoking Man starts to light sixteenth cigarette once more, but Lackey continues.) LACKEY -- what happened to whom -- (Cigarette-Smoking Man starts to light sixteenth cigarette yet again, but Lackey continues.) LACKEY -- who's whom -- (Cigarette-Smoking Man pulls out a gun and shoots Lackey, who falls to the ground, groaning. Mulder watches in mute horror. Then Cigarette-Smoking Man lights his sixteenth cigarette and addresses the bleeding Lackey.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN You bastard, stop interrupting me! Double flogging today for you! (Cigarette-Smoking Man snaps his fingers and two Henchmen come in and drag Lackey's body away. Cigarette-Smoking Man lights the seventeenth cigarette and continues speaking to Mulder.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN Do you remember now? MULDER What happened to Samantha? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eighteenth cigarette) Dammit, son, when? MULDER Most recently! CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting nineteenth cigarette) You don't care. You're happy she's gone. Why are you asking? (no response from Mulder) By the way, how is that dog you got Scully? MULDER Ishmael? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twentieth cigarette) Is that the one? MULDER Yes, that's the one. That dog sheds fit to weave a hairpiece a day, but there isn't a thing anyone can do about that, apart from shaving him. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twenty-first cigarette) So why don't you? MULDER That would be cruelty to animals, and that's against my moral constitution. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twenty-second cigarette) Which part? MULDER The Eighth Amendment, which provides against "cruel or unusual punishment." CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twenty-third cigarette) That's my boy. Always caring and benevolent, except when the situation requires violence. Just remember: as long as they don't give you shit, don't give them shit. MULDER Um...Dad? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twenty-fourth cigarette) What is it, son? MULDER There's just one other thing. You have twenty-four cigarettes in your mouth at one time. Smoking is really bad for you to begin with, but twenty-four cigarettes at once? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twenty-fifth cigarette) Nonsense, son. These are herbal. (Cigarette-Smoking Man shakes Mulder's hand and leaves.) 35-3170 WEST 53 ROAD ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 6:04 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (The phone rings.) SCULLY Hello? MULDER Hey, Scully, can you come down here and show me how you feed the fish again? SCULLY Okay, but this is absolutely the last time, Mulder. (She hangs up and sighs heavily.) 42-2630 HEGAL PLACE ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA 6:40 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully walks up to the fourth floor and knocks on Mulder's door. There is no answer.) SCULLY Mulder? Mulder, are you in there? MULDER (far away, muffled) Yeah, just a second! (Standing in the hallway, Scully puts her head to the door and hears various noises coming from the apartment-stumbling, kicking, swearing, falling, and the like. Scully picks up her head and shouts at the door.) SCULLY Mulder? Are you okay in there? (As Scully is putting her ear back to the door to listen, it suddenly opens, and she nearly falls in.) SCULLY What the hell was going on in here? MULDER Nothing. (walking over to fishtank) I'm Jewish! SCULLY Really? You've finally found religion? MULDER Well, I didn't exactly find it. And there's no way I'm going to become religious. That's all bullshit, as far as I'm concerned. But it never fails to amaze me that someone as attached to the scientific method as you are could be such a devout Catholic. SCULLY I gave up on religion a while ago, Mulder. It also never fails to amaze me how someone as incredulous as you when it comes to religion could be such a true believer in the paranormal. MULDER Religion and little grey men are two different things, Scully. SCULLY Are they? Sometimes I'm not so sure. MULDER Speaking of which, guess what I found on the way home? SCULLY (guessing) A sparrow with a machine gun? MULDER (lost) Ah, no. SCULLY (still guessing) A ballpoint banana? MULDER You're not even guessing seriously! Come on, guess! SCULLY (only slightly sarcastic) Okay, seriously...evidence of Norwegian Lobster activity? (Mulder, somewhat annoyed, pulls a tiny plastic hand excitedly out of his coat, which is draped across the couch.) MULDER No, Scully, better! Proof undeniable of the existence of extraterrestrial life! SCULLY (looking incredulously at hand) Mulder, as far as I can tell, that is a piece of plastic in the shape of a hand. MULDER (glancing down at hand; defensively) It's a polymer-based life form. SCULLY (rolling her eyes, turns to leave) I'm out of here, Mulder. MULDER (calling after her) I'm telling you, Scully, this could be big! I'm taking it down to the Lone Gunmen. SCULLY (turning back) Because the sci-crime lab would have you laughed out of the F.B.I. if you asked them to look at it? MULDER (pouting) No, Scully, they wouldn't laugh at me. SCULLY (raising her eyebrow) Oh, really? MULDER Nah. I just like it better when you do those autopsies yourself. (Scully bitch-slaps him with her left hand.) MULDER Ow! What was that? SCULLY My left hand. What you are holding is a piece of molded plastic. MULDER No, it's a polymer-based life form. I told you. SCULLY Mulder, there is no way life could be built on an element other than carbon. You're not about to prove anything with a severed...severed... whatever that is! MULDER A hand. An appendage. SCULLY Sure. Fine. Whatever. A hand. It proves nothing. MULDER (after pause) You're afraid to touch it, aren't you? SCULLY What? MULDER You don't want to touch it because you think it might be slimy, or, worse yet, real. SCULLY That's not true! MULDER Then why won't you take it? (offers her hand) SCULLY (cringing slightly as hand nears her) I, ah, don't think it's worth it. MULDER I have never known you to be afraid of touching anything, Scully. But you won't even go near this hand. (at "hand," jams hand into her face) SCULLY Okay! Alright! Dammit, I am afraid of the hand. But it's an irrational fear. So just stop it! MULDER But why are you afraid of it? SCULLY Mulder, that thing is slimy, and disgusting, and weird, and... Scully pauses as she notices Mulder about to lick his finger, which was just on the hand. SCULLY Now what are you doing? MULDER I want to see if it tastes as plastic as it looks. SCULLY Don't do that! Didn't you learn not to put things in your mouth which ought not to be there? MULDER My mother was constantly trying to impress me with that point, but I never understood her. What is that all about, anyway? SCULLY Well, one of the main reasons you should not put that so-called extraterrestrial body part in your mouth is that, quite simply, you don't know where it's been. MULDER Which is precisely the reason that you ought look at it. But if you're too chicken to even touch it, then I guess I'll have to do the research myself. (lifts hand to mouth and nearly licks it) SCULLY (grabbing hand away) Okay, Mulder, I've had enough. You just never grew up, did you? MULDER No. Why did you take that away from me? Scully, you're holding the hand. SCULLY I know that. MULDER But you said it was -- SCULLY Shut up, Mulder. I'm just trying to protect you. MULDER From whom? The Syndicate? SCULLY No, yourself. You're so naughty sometimes, Mulder, I just wonder how your mother coped. MULDER Actually, she didn't. You two should discuss that sometime. SCULLY Perhaps I'll just do that. (notices Mulder about to eat cookie from coffee table) Go wash your hands before you eat that cookie. MULDER You and my mother both! SCULLY (thinks, looks as though about to say something, decides not to) Go wash your hands, Mulder. MULDER Yes, Mom. (Mulder goes into the bathroom and washes his hands. There is the sound of running water. Scully realizes she is still holding the hand and looks around for a place to put it. Her eyes fall on the fishtank, and she slips the hand in. The fish regard the new object with interest, which soon fades, and they swim away. Mulder comes back.) MULDER Listen, I've got tickets to a football game on Friday. The Redskins and the Vikings. SCULLY Back to Minnesota again so soon? MULDER Not Minnesota. This time we're going to Washington. SCULLY Are we going to actually watch the game this time? MULDER Yes, we are. No fetishists, either. (Mulder picks up his coat from the sofa to hang it up in the closet. As he does so, he notices the hand in the fishtank. He looks at Scully, who looks away. Then he reaches into the tank, pulls out the hand, shakes it off, and puts it back in his coat pocket. After hanging the coat up, he walks back to Scully.) MULDER Can I get you anything? Something to eat? A Diet Coke? SCULLY A Coke would be fine, thanks. MULDER Well, that's too bad, then, because I don't have any Coke. SCULLY (slightly off-balance) Oh...you have a kitchen? MULDER (defensive) Of course I do. Where do you think I keep my leftover Chinese food? SCULLY I...never thought of it before. (Mulder walks into a room Scully has never seen before. Scully follows him, wondering.) SCULLY Do you have any milk? (Mulder opens the refrigerator, sees the milk, checks the date, sniffs the milk, and puts it back.) MULDER No. SCULLY (peering over his shoulder) You sure? MULDER Quite sure. SCULLY Got any bread? MULDER (looking on top of refrigerator) Um...yeah. (Mulder pulls down a slightly moldy loaf of white bread and passes it to Scully.) MULDER If you can eat it, you can have it. (Scully puts on a pair of latex gloves from her coat pocket and takes the bread from Mulder.) MULDER Oh! How rude of me. I completely forgot to take your coat. (Mulder takes her coat and hangs it up in the closet. Scully still has the latex gloves on, and while he is out, she picks up the bread and begins inspecting it. By the time Mulder returns, Scully has removed most of the mold from the bread.) SCULLY Do you have any butter? MULDER Regular or peanut? SCULLY Which have you seen most recently? MULDER Ah... SCULLY (interrupting him) Which one can you locate? MULDER (thinks; then) Regular. (Mulder gets the butter from the back of the refrigerator and places it in front of Scully on the counter. Scully stares down at the butter.) SCULLY Mulder, it's lovely, but I'm afraid it's quite useless unless you give me a knife with which to apply it to my mold-free bread. (Mulder does a quick search of the kitchen and comes up with a gently- used knife. There is something smeary on the knife. Scully picks it up and gives it the once-over. The she runs her right index finger along it. Rubbing her thumb and index together, she smells the somewhat sticky substance.) SCULLY Mulder, did this knife cut cheese? MULDER (looking at knife) Ah...maybe. SCULLY About how long ago, would you say, did this knife maybe cut cheese? MULDER I really couldn't say. SCULLY Do you think that this knife, which maybe cut cheese quite some time ago, could be somehow cleansed and restored once more to its immaculate and usable state? (Mulder picks up the knife, licks the cheese off, and puts it back down in front of Scully, who regards the knife with something akin to scorn.) SCULLY I'm not laughing, Mulder. (Mulder takes the knife to the sink, washes it off with some soap, and dries it. Scully takes it from him and examines it.) SCULLY Mulder, what *is* that stuff, anyway? MULDER (looking down at knife) Toothpaste, I think. (Scully proceeds back to the counter. She sits down, butters her bread, and begins to eat it. Mulder watches her as though he is witnessing the death of a martyr. Scully, her mouth full, notices his gaze.) SCULLY Something wrong? MULDER (slowly) You are the bravest... (thinks better of it) No, no, it's nothing. SCULLY (swallows; then) Sometimes, Mulder, you scare me. End Part 2/3 Part 3/3 R.F.K. STADIUM WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA OCTOBER 17, 1:56 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully are sitting in the stands, waiting for the game to begin. A man in a security uniform approaches them.) SECURITY GUARD Agents Scully and Mulder? MULDER Yes, that's us. But which is which? SCULLY (brushing Mulder aside and addressing the Guard) What can we do for you? GUARD I've been asked to take you up to the building and grounds office. It seems there's some kind of trouble. SCULLY Do you know what kind of trouble? GUARD No, ma'am, I don't. They don't tell me what I don't need to know. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (Mulder and Scully's eyes dart to the nearest door. Nothing happens. After exchanging glances, they follow the guard to an office, where a worried, Well-Dressed Man in a business suit is reading and rereading a sheet of paper.) GUARD Sir, the F.B.I. agents you asked me to find. WELL-DRESSED MAN (looking up) Ah, yes. Agents Scully and Mulder, I've been informed by this note that a bomb has been planted somewhere in the stands. I thought perhaps you could help me. MULDER We'll see what we can do, sir. May we see the note? WELL-DRESSED MAN (handing note to Mulder) Of course. SCULLY (reading aloud) "There's a bomb in the stands. It's going to explode at 8:24 PM, local time, unless you defuse it." Looks like a classic bomb threat, Mulder. MULDER Except that it seems to lack a motive. Or conditions, for that matter, which doesn't make it much of a threat. (to Well-Dressed Man) May we make an announcement over the loudspeaker to the crowds, sir? WELL-DRESSED MAN Certainly. (hands microphone to Mulder) MULDER (over loudspeaker) There is no need to be alarmed, but we have received notice to the effect that there is an explosive device located somewhere in the stands. Please make your way quickly, quietly, and in an orderly fashion to the street. Do not get in your vehicles. No one is permitted to leave until this matter has been cleared up. If you happen to come across the explosive device on your way out, please notify one of the security guards posted at each of the exits. Thank you. (to Scully) I can't believe this. The tickets were non-refundable. And they were great seats! SCULLY What time is the bomb supposedly going to explode? MULDER Exactly 8:24 PM, local time. SCULLY What time is it now? MULDER (glances at watch) About quarter after. SCULLY About? Mulder, we need to know *exactly* how much time we have. MULDER Well, what would you like me to do? Go ask the bomber what time it is? SCULLY Good Lord, you're right! We can have absolutely no idea whatsoever when this thing will go off! Quick, out to the street! (Cut to street, where Mulder and Scully have just arrived.) MULDER I thought all the watches and time bombs were supposed to be synchronized *our* watches and time bombs. SCULLY Somebody must have overlooked it. MULDER Wait! I have an idea! What if we set our watches to the bomber's watch? SCULLY And how would we do that? MULDER We wait for the explosion, and when it happens, we'll know that the bomber thinks it's exactly 8:24 PM, local time! SCULLY You're a genius, Mulder. MULDER (modestly) I try, you know. (They sit for a few minutes, their hands on their watches. Finally, at the sound of the explosion, through varied screams, they set their watches and look up.) MULDER According to my watch, the bomb just went off. What's your watch say, Scully? SCULLY Same as yours, Mulder. The bomb just blew up. MULDER Accurate as usual, Scully. Anyway, there was no loss of life, even if we didn't get to the bomb in time to defuse it. (Skinner appears out of nowhere and walks up to Mulder and Scully.) SKINNER Congratulations on a job well done, Agents... SCULLY Still "Scully," sir. SKINNER Yes, of course, Agents Scully and Mulder. In light of this outstanding performance, I'm giving you both the rest of the day off. MULDER But, sir, we already had the day off. SKINNER In that case, you may have tomorrow off. MULDER But, sir, tomorrow is Saturday. SKINNER In that case, you may have the day after that off. MULDER But, sir, the day after tomorrow is Sunday. Remember? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. SKINNER In that case, Agent Mulder, you may very well have Monday off. MULDER But, sir, Monday is -- (to Scully) What is Monday? SCULLY Absolutely nothing. MULDER (to Skinner) But, sir, Monday is absolutely nothing. Thank you, sir. SKINNER Every time I talk to you, Agent Mulder, you make less sense. MULDER Thank you, sir. I'm sorry about your wife, sir. SKINNER Shouldn't you be more sorry than I? She's your sister, after all. MULDER Not necessarily, sir. She's your wife. SKINNER And I'm your brother-in-law. And Ringo Langly is my brother-in-law's mortal enemy's former lover's husband's gay friend. But that doesn't mean that I should care any more than he does about what's happened to his G-Man friend's boss's wife. SCULLY (befuddled) Could you write that down for me, sir? MULDER (ignoring Scully) Without a doubt, sir. Do I make any more sense than you do, sir? SKINNER I think not, Agent Mulder. See you on Tuesday. (leaves) SCULLY (sarcastically) So, we're going to see the game this time, aren't we? MULDER I only promised that there wouldn't be any fetishists, Scully. I never said anything about bombers. (They get in their car and drive off. Cut to the interior of the car. Scully is driving.) MULDER I keep having this recurring nightmare, Scully. SCULLY (carefully keeping her eyes on road) Oh, yeah? What is it? (As Mulder relates the story, the action is played out.) MULDER Well, at the beginning, I'm waking up in the morning, and once I'm up, I walk into the bathroom. You're standing over the sink, leaning forward, and the water is running. I assume you're splashing water on your face, so I turn you around-only you're not washing your face. You're brushing your teeth, and the toothpaste is foaming all around your mouth. It isn't even mint flavor. It's this disgusting, sour, sharp, bitter -- SCULLY (interrupting) Like baking soda? MULDER Anyway, we stand there looking stupidly at each other for a few seconds. You look like you're rabid. SCULLY (interested) Then what? MULDER Then suddenly we're standing in an alley. We're cornered by a bunch of armed thugs, and the only weapons we have are two tubes of toothpaste each. It's the baking soda stuff. So, in a last-ditch effort to save our asses, we block up their guns with some toothpaste and squirt the rest in their eyes. We run back to your apartment as fast as we can. Then the alarm goes off and I wake up. SCULLY How is this a nightmare? I see nothing horrible or frightening in it. MULDER You don't think it's disturbing that the entire dream is about toothpaste? SCULLY Well, it is odd, but I don't know about disturbing, per se. After all, this is you we're talking about here... MULDER Don't be so persnickety. SCULLY I'm not persnickety; I'm precise. MULDER Same thing! SCULLY No, it's -- MULDER (interrupting) Persnickety! SCULLY Not per -- MULDER (purring) Per-snickety! SCULLY Mulder -- MULDER (under cover of fake sneeze) Persnickety! SCULLY How long ago did you discover that word? MULDER It really is an excellent adjective, isn't it? SCULLY You are so -- MULDER Persnickety! No, I'm not. But you are! (pause) I'm going to find out what Dr. Werber thinks. SCULLY Dr. Heitz Werber? The one who does regression hypnosis? MULDER Yeah, that's the one. SCULLY What are you hoping to find? MULDER I won't know until he tells me. (brief silence) Scully? SCULLY What, Mulder? MULDER Will you come with me? SCULLY (stops at light and looks at Mulder) Why? MULDER (shrugging) Beats me. Will you? SCULLY (looking back at road) Sure. (Car zips forward.) DR. HEITZ WERBER'S OFFICE SILVER SPRINGS, MARYLAND 2:09 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully are seated on the sofa.) DR. WERBER I think, Mulder, that this dream illustrates some kind of fear. People often find names for their fears through their dreams, and I have seen many kinds of phobias, but never have I been asked to interpret a dream about toothpaste. This is not really a fear of good hygiene, perhaps, but more of being mugged by a tube of toothpaste while you are brushing your teeth. MULDER You make it sound as though this could be a grounded fear. That it could actually become a reality. Could it? DR. WERBER You mistake me, Mulder. I meant that, ridiculous though it may be, you have acquired, one way or another, a fear of toothpaste, which is just beginning to show itself. You feel that toothpaste is a weapon, and that you may attack with it or be attacked by it, either in the hands of another or under its own will and locomotion. MULDER Could there be extraterrestrial involvement? DR. WERBER (smiling) No, Mulder, I think not. MULDER Are you sure? Because the dental profession has always had a kind of supernatural air to it. Where do they come up with the formula for toothpaste, anyway? DR. WERBER If you want to investigate something mundane that reeks of the paranormal, Mulder, I suggest you look into the processed meats industry. And start with Oscar Meyer. MULDER (rising and shaking Dr. Werber's hand) Thanks for your time, Dr. Werber. DR. WERBER Any time, Mulder. (shaking Scully's hand) And it was nice to see you again, Agent Scully. (Mulder and Scully leave.) 3170 WEST 53 ROAD #35 ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 3:03 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully enters her apartment. Ishmael rushes out from under the couch, crying plaintively and shaved completely bare and carrying the "polymer-based life-form's" hand. Scully picks him up disgustedly, holds him up in front of her face, and looks at him with pity.) SCULLY Ishmael, what is that thing in your mouth? (pulls it out of his mouth) Oh! Mulder! (Ishmael looks as though he is about to do the canine equivalent of crying with shame.) ISHMAEL Yip! SCULLY (hugging Ishmael) Oh, you poor, little, un-furry thing! (Scully looks at Ishmael. Mulder stands behind Scully, holding a tuft of shaved-off fur in his hand and gazing heroically at absolutely nothing.) MULDER I know of only one man capable of such a thing. Oh, God, what a fool I was to trust my father! Now he's shaved your dog, and poor Ishmael will be forced to retreat from public life until his current mangy- Chihuahua look has passed. It's embarrassing to be a dog and resemble a cat that's had an unfortunate encounter with an electric razor. SCULLY (during pause) When did you get here? MULDER (ignoring this, turns to Scully) Come on, Scully. To the Bundeswagen! (Scully puts Ishmael down and looks where Mulder has just gone.) SCULLY But Mulder! (Scully follows Mulder out to the car.) SCULLY Mulder, what do you mean the "Bundeswagen"? MULDER It's the best-selling car in America! SCULLY The Ford Taurus! MULDER That was last year. This year... (Mulder points to the street. Scully gasps. Their Ford Taurus has been replaced by a shiny, new, black Beetle.) MULDER Weisst du? Der Bundeswagen! (On the way to find Cigarette-Smoking Man, they are apprehended by the Evil Henchmen.) SYNDICATE FIELD OFFICE NORWAY, MARYLAND 3:21 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully are sitting in chairs with their hands tied behind their backs, being observed through a one-way mirror by Cigarette- Smoking Man. Mulder and Scully each have clothespins on their noses and are twisting their faces in odd expressions, moving every muscle they know of and even others they don't in their attempts to get the pins off. Mulder speaks to his father, by whom he knows he is being watched, at the same time.) MULDER Dad, why did you shave the dog? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting first cigarette) He's not going to shed anymore. MULDER But it was cruel! You made him cry. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting second cigarette) Not a very brave guard dog. He let us do it. MULDER You're really not into giving choices, are you? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting third cigarette) What do you mean? MULDER You took advantage of his smallness and shaved him against his will. You gave him no choice or chance to defend himself. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (pauses; lighting fourth cigarette) We let him try to bite one of the men. MULDER And where is that man now? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifth cigarette) On Friday nights he works for a company that's developing a suit made of teflon. He's a beta-tester. You just missed him. MULDER You know, you have some severe psychological problems. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting sixth cigarette) Would you care to elaborate, my boy? To say that I have psychological problems is fairly general, as well as redundant. I couldn't be evil without some sort of mental discrepancy. MULDER You just can't give anybody a really fair choice. In fact, you haven't even been able to give any choice at all to anyone, human or otherwise, your entire life, unless I'm very much mistaken. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting seventh cigarette; changing subject) I shaved that dog because one of my main psychological problems is obsessive-compulsiveness. MULDER What does obsessive-compulsiveness have to do with shaving a Pomeranian? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eighth cigarette) You see, you yourself had already suggested it to me, and once I had seen the logic of the solution, I became absorbed by my desire to accomplish the task. MULDER Come again? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting ninth cigarette) I had one big itch to take a razor to that canine. MULDER That's what I thought you said. You are truly sick, Dad. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting tenth cigarette) Thank you, son. Now, what are you two doing with those clothespins on your noses? MULDER I had been hoping that you could tell me. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eleventh cigarette) I never ordered that. However, I do like the concept. (turning to Henchmen standing nearby) Who thought this up? HENCHMAN (stepping forward proudly) Me, sir. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twelfth cigarette) Good idea. Just one thing, though. Never try anything new on my kids again. I'd rather test things like this on the more expendable members of the human race and aliens. No one seems to miss them. (turning back to Mulder and Scully) I think that's all we have to discuss. You may go. (pauses, reconsiders leaving; continues) By the way, son, there is such a thing as a Norwegian Lobster. MULDER (intrigued) Oh? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting thirteenth cigarette) Yes...and it's in my bathtub! (Cigarette-Smoking Man leaves Mulder and Scully completely alone in the room, taking his henchmen with him. Mulder calls out to Cigarette- Smoking Man.) MULDER Um, Dad? Did you forget something? (no reply; to Scully) Can you move your chair this way? Maybe I can untie your hands or you could untie mine and we could get out of here. (Scully pulls her chair over. Mulder starts working on untying Scully's hands.) SCULLY (while Mulder is untying her wrists) Does your nose hurt? MULDER Like hell. SCULLY They're going to be bright red when we get the clothespins off. MULDER Who? SCULLY Our noses. MULDER Oh. Maybe if we put on antlers we could pass ourselves off as Rudolph and his girlfriend during the off-season. (finishes freeing Scully) You're done. Now turn around and untie me. (Scully unties her feet, removes the clothespin, and bursts out laughing upon seeing Mulder.) SCULLY You look so helpless tied up like that! And the clothespin on your nose! MULDER I know. So untie me, or take the clothespin off, or something, but don't stand there laughing at me. SCULLY (regaining composure) Sorry. (unties his hands, then his legs) All set. Let's go. (Scully opens the door for Mulder, who removes the clothespin. Just before he walks out the door, Mulder flips off the light.) F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA OCTOBER 18, 1998, 12:21 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder is sitting in his office in his chair with his feet on his desk. Scully is in her usual chair on the other side of the table.) MULDER You know, we haven't pursued any paranormal activity in a while. SCULLY You don't think shaving a dog is paranormal? MULDER It's unusual, but I don't think it's paranormal. SCULLY (slowly) Per-haps. (at normal speed) But are we going to go pursuing paranormal activity? Or are we all out of strange circumstances? MULDER Don't be silly! Of course there are more bizarre situations to be investigated. As a matter of fact, I have just the case right here. (shows Scully file) SCULLY (intrigued) Oh, really? What is it? MULDER Vampires! SCULLY (crestfallen) Oh. So this is going to be another one of those assignments where I spend most of my time watching or being abducted conveniently by extraterrestrials, right? MULDER No. This time you're going to come along and actually do something! SCULLY Like what? An autopsy to prove that what you kill isn't a real vampire? MULDER No. Like standing in front of me with your little cross on to protect us both from the vampire. SCULLY I'll stand outside and wait for you as usual, if it's all the same to you. MULDER (shrugging) Suit yourself. But we've got to get there. SCULLY Where? MULDER That's not really important, as long as we go somewhere, find a vampire, and kill it. I went out and got some stakes on sale at Zombies 'n' Things the other day. I just had the strangest premonition we'd be out chasing some vampires this week. R&J SHIPPING WASHINGTON, VIRGINIA 1:25 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully are sitting in the car outside the building. Mulder makes one last attempt to get Scully to accompany him inside the building.) MULDER Are you sure you don't want to come in? SCULLY Positive. I brought my nail file, and I'm just going to sit here, file my nails, and keep watch. MULDER In the car? SCULLY In the car. MULDER Okay, but could you be careful that the filings don't get everywhere? I just vacuumed the car a few days ago. SCULLY I'll be careful. MULDER Since you're going to stay here, I'll need your cross. (Scully takes off her necklace and hands it to Mulder, who puts it on. Mulder gets out of the car and approaches the building.) MULDER Hey! Any vampires in there? This is the F.B.I.! Show yourselves! VAMPIRE (calling from inside building) What are you, crazy? I'm a vampire, you ass! It's still daylight out there! I will most certainly not come out and show myself in the light of day. That's the second thing we learn in school. MULDER What's the first? VAMPIRE Don't run with pointed objects. MULDER I'm coming in! (enters building with flashlight) I'm warning you, wherever you are, I've got a flashlight that's 4000 candlepower, and I'm not afraid to use it if I have to! VAMPIRE (from somewhere in dark) Oooh, scary. Can't hurt me if you can't find me, G-man. MULDER Oh, but I'm going to find you. VAMPIRE Are you now? And what makes you so sure? MULDER Because I'm the hero. VAMPIRE Anyway, that's not my point. MULDER Well, what is your point? VAMPIRE I was getting to that. MULDER Well, get there faster. VAMPIRE For the love of the Father, the Son, and the Unholy Spirit, will you let a vampire get a word in edgewise? MULDER I can't help it. I'm an over-zealous, self-righteous, narcissistic egomaniac. VAMPIRE Is that a category? I'm a luctophobic necrophiliac with a corpuscle fetish. MULDER Yeah, well, I'm a -- VAMPIRE Oh, shut up. I think I'll kill you now. MULDER (whipping out flashlight and stake) Just try it! (Vampire jumps out at Mulder, who counters with the stake, driving it firmly between Vampire's ribs. Vampire groans and stumbles backwards. Mulder shines his flashlight on Vampire and notices that, although the stake went through Vampire's heart, the wood decal is peeling away to reveal a plastic weapon, instead of the wooden one necessary for success. Vampire shields his eyes from the light of the flashlight.) VAMPIRE You knew that deal at Zombies 'n' Things was much too good to be true, didn't you? MULDER Aha! But I still have my partner's small gold cross pendant to shield me from your evil. VAMPIRE Girlie man! You're wearing your partner's necklace? That is so not manly. Just leave it to Christian wimps to spoil the fun. MULDER Shut up, you sorry-ass son-of-a-bitch! I'm Jewish. *And* I'm F.B.I. And you're under arrest. VAMPIRE (as Mulder is cuffing him) You are undoubtedly the strangest government agent I've ever seen. (Mulder drags Vampire out into the daylight. Vampire collapses and burns on the ground in the sun. Mulder looks up from Vampire's smoldering carcass at Scully, who has gotten out of the car.) MULDER Will you just look at this mess? How are we going to prosecute him now? SCULLY If I recall correctly, you haven't killed him. You didn't drive a wooden stake through his heart. He should be back any time now. (As Scully says this, Vampire's skin regenerates, and he shakes his head and mumbles as he regains consciousness.) VAMPIRE Norwegian Lobster...damn them all. MULDER Bad vampire! It's still light out! Go back to being dead! (Vampire sees the light, screams, and is burnt to a crisp again.) SCULLY He's just going to keep coming back to life and burning up in the sunlight again and again until you get him back into the dark. MULDER Well, then, perhaps we should leave him here so he can live in hell on earth. Clearly, he is doomed to die repeatedly. SCULLY Until night, anyway. MULDER Hm. You're right. I think I'll just mosey on over to those convenient trees and get a branch so I can stab him with some real wood. (Mulder goes over to the trees and breaks off a branch. He returns to where Vampire is lying. As he is about to drive the branch through Vampire's heart, he pauses, doubting.) SCULLY What now? MULDER What if it doesn't work unless he's officially alive and breathing? SCULLY When it gets dark, he'll still have the stake in him. How can he live after that? MULDER True. Logical, in fact. (drives stake through Vampire's heart) Right. That should do it. We can leave now. SCULLY And just leave him there? MULDER (pauses, looks at Vampire) Yeah. (They return to their car and drive off.) 3170 WEST 53 ROAD #35 ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND OCTOBER 19, 1998, 1:45 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully's apartment, later that night. Scully is sewing something out of felt in the living room. Ishmael is on the sofa with her. The phone rings.) MULDER Hey, Scully, whatcha doing? SCULLY Don't you have something better to do than call me every time we're not at work? MULDER (pause; then) No. Whatcha doing? SCULLY I'm making Ishmael a jacket out of felt to wear until he grows back some hair. MULDER Do you have any idea how ridiculous that's going to look? SCULLY Do you have any idea how cold he is? MULDER I'm sure I've been colder. SCULLY You're sure you don't have anything better -- MULDER (interrupting) Hold on, Scully. 42-2630 HEGAL PLACE ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA 1:51 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder appears distracted by something. Without warning, he begins smashing every knickknack he can find. On the phone, Scully is shouting at Mulder.) SCULLY Mulder? Mulder, what the hell is going on over there? EAST 46TH STREET NEW YORK, NEW YORK 1:53 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (The Syndicate is huddled around a large-screen TV, which goes fuzzy, then black.) WHINING MUMBLING ELDER Damn! Just when it was getting interesting. 42-2630 HEGAL PLACE ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA 1:54 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder has finished his breaking exercise, and he picks the phone back up.) MULDER Hey, Scully. SCULLY Are you alright, Mulder? MULDER Who, me? Yes, I'm fine. Just fine. How are you? SCULLY Oh, I'm just dan -- (Scully is cut off by a click.) MULDER Hello? Hello? Scully, are you there? (Mulder hangs up. His phone rings, and he answers it.) MULDER Scully? 3170 WEST 53 ROAD #35 ANNAPOLIS, MARYLAND 1:56 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (It is dark. Scully is on her cell phone.) SCULLY Mulder, my power just went out. I'm on my cell phone. I think you'd better come down here. MULDER Sure. Fine. Whatever. 2:26 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Immediate and seamless cut to the darkened basement. There is some rustling, followed by giggling and low whispering. Then a flashlight pierces the dark, playing across the room until, huddled in a corner, the source of the noise is found to be Mrs. Scully and Missy. They are dressed in black covered in black soot, looking very much like cat burglars or prowlers. Mulder notices them first.) MULDER Scully, I think your family's sense of humor is the driest I've ever encountered. (gesturing toward Mrs. Scully and Missy) I mean, really. SCULLY (sees Mrs. Scully and Missy) Mom! Missy! What the hell are you doing here? In the dark! And what are you wearing? You look like -- MISSY (interrupting) Cat burglars or prowlers, I know. SCULLY Actually, I was going to say Santa Claus after a poorly-executed visit. MULDER Right. We're taking the two of you in for questioning. (Cut to hallway on the first floor. Mulder and Scully are leading Mrs. Scully and Missy out the front door.) F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA 9:29 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully are seated in a room with Mrs. Scully and Missy. Mulder is looking at a sheet of paper on a clipboard in his lap. Scully is looking bored. There are empty coffee cups, crumpled balls of paper, and other signs that it's been a long night around the room.) MULDER Now, the first question we have here on this page, "Guidelines for Questioning," is, "What the hell were you doing there?" I believe you were asked this question upon being discovered by Agent Scully. However, you still haven't answered it. So, what the hell were you doing there? By the way, it says here, "If the subject is unwilling to give a response, physical and verbal abuse, so long as it does not involve firearms or other manufactured weapon, is permissible to reasonable degrees." That's under "Recommendations for Successful Interviews." MISSY Well, you see, Mulder -- MRS. SCULLY (interrupting) No, Missy, that's what we're never to tell. MULDER Agent Scully is just as capable of beating the shit out of you as I am. I've seen her reduce a man to tears. SCULLY (aside, to Mulder) Um, Mulder? That was just because sometimes you're...um...a little... er...girlie. MULDER (to Scully) So it was. (to Mrs. Scully and Missy) But that's beside the point. She could still kick your asses any day. MISSY Can't we request to be interviewed by agent who is not directly involved in the case? MULDER You could, but we're temporarily suspending your rights. SCULLY Mulder, you can't do that. MULDER (rising) I knew it! You're all out to get me! Even my own partner! The only one I trust! The only one who ever believes me! I knew it! I knew it! I -- (Mulder is cut off by Scully, who jumps up and kisses him full on the lips. Mulder falls back into his chair and stares dazedly at the wall. Scully sits down and faces Mrs. Scully and Missy coolly.) SCULLY Mom, Missy, let's have a heart-to-heart talk. What exactly were you doing in our basement? MRS. SCULLY About a year ago, Cancer Man came to me and told me that Missy was alive. I didn't believe him at first, but when I saw her with my own eyes, I knew. MISSY I had been hiding for a year, under the protection of Cancer Man, when Mom came along. After she found out what had really happened, she joined us. SCULLY Us? MISSY Yes, us. We're working for Mulder's father now. (At these words, Mulder comes out of his daze.) MULDER My God! SCULLY Family meeting! NORWAY, MAINE 10:11 AM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (All the Mulders and Scullys are assembled-Mulder, Mrs. Mulder, the Cigarette-Smoking Man, Samantha Skinner, Walter Skinner, Maggie Kinbote, Lord Kinbote, Scully, Missy, Alex Krycek, Charles, Ringo Langly, Dana Frohike, Melvin Frohike -- plus Byers and Marita Covarrubias-Byers. Mulder is standing near a huge sheet of oaktag, drawing a family tree. When he is finished, he steps away.) MULDER And so, you see, everyone here is either part of my family or Scully's. BYERS Wait a minute. What are we doing here, Marita? We're not related to anybody else in this story! COVARRUBIAS-BYERS You're right! Let's desert and start a family while we still can. Come on, everyone! Let's have one last rendition of "Jet Plane!" (Marita blows on a pitch pipe to get the tones. Even though nobody really know the words, everybody starts singing "Jet Plane," humming where the lyrics become uncertain. Then, in a flash of light, Covarrubias-Byers and Byers are gone. The family divides into two groups, one on each side of the room, and prepares to face off. On one side, GOOD: Mulder, Scully, Melvin Frohike, Dana Frohike, Charles, Ringo Langly, Walter Skinner, and Lord Kinbote. On the other side, EVIL: Samantha Skinner, Missy, Alex Krycek, Maggie Kinbote, Cigarette- Smoking Man, and Mrs. Mulder.) SAMANTHA (hissing) Walter! Get your butt over here! (Skinner looks around, then slinks over to the EVIL side.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting first cigarette) Well, son, it looks as though you have outnumbered us. However, that's not counting my evil henchmen. (snaps) Stereotypical evil goons! GOONS Yes, sir! Reporting for evil duty. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting second cigarette) Stereotypical evil goons, now that you are here, evil outnumbers good, and because they are outnumbered, I am going to bother my son and his partner. MULDER Dad! I thought we sorted this out the last time you took us away. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting third cigarette) You just don't get it, do you? I don't care about the student loans. The only thing I derive pleasure from in life is torturing you. I will make up any reason, any reason at all, to get you to come back and be tormented further. Not only that, but I fear that your polymer-based- life-form theory was closer to the Truth than I'd like you to get. MULDER Dad, I realize that some of the things you do you can't help. You're just naturally evil, and there's no way to change that. However, I think that someone should draw the line here. Besides, it's not your movie. SCULLY Wait a second here. Let me get this straight. You, enjoy tormenting Mulder and me so much that you will do anything to keep us your captives. You are sick enough to do this without regrets. Meanwhile, you, Mulder, are naïvely hoping that reason will prevail, when in fact, reason has very little to do with your life and personal convictions, religious and otherwise. The headstrong nature that is clearly passed on from father to son has made you both so determined not to stray from your initial paths that you will kill each other in order to stay on track. For God's sake, we're all family here! Why can't we just get along? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fourth cigarette) Look at the helicopter, children. (Mulder and Scully look at the helicopter.) MULDER So? It's a helicopter. It's big, it's black, and it's a helicopter. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifth cigarette) I'm not sure you realize how much trouble I go through to make your escape daring and exciting. Now, I'm going to turn my back for a second and cough, and when I face you again, if you're still there, I won't let you go this time. (Cigarette-Smoking Man turns and has an especially convulsive coughing fit. Mulder and Scully look at each other for a moment, and then they notice that their families are gone. Scully grabs Mulder's arm, and they run for the helicopter. The take-off, executed by Scully, is surprisingly smooth.) MULDER Ever flown a helicopter, Scully? SCULLY No. Some pilot who was staying briefly at the Miramar offered to teach me once, but he was KIA before he got the chance to even get me within five feet of a helicopter. MULDER I've never flown one, either. It's deceptively simple, though. You just -- (He is cut off by a noise from above.) SCULLY What was that? MULDER I haven't the faintest idea. Maybe it was some bird that got caught in the propeller. (Suddenly, a severed hand, bloody and ragged, hits and stains the windshield.) MULDER However, I've never seen a bird with a human hand before. What do you think it is? SCULLY I don't know, but it ain't no -- (Scully stops as another severed body part slaps the windshield.) MULDER Wait! I've seen something like that before! That was a...oh, you know...one of those...things...a...um... (A rucksack hits the windshield.) SCULLY Oh, my God, Mulder! There's a skydiver caught in the propeller! MULDER Now that is a nasty way to go. SCULLY There's a dead guy stuck in our propeller, and he's being slowly dismembered. What do we do? MULDER The Academy never prepared us for a situation like this. What does it say in the field manual? SCULLY What field manual? They are silent for a few moments. Mulder indicates the propeller above. MULDER What would you call this? SCULLY Call what? MULDER If we had hit this guy on the road, he'd be road-kill. But we're suspended in the air, so what is it? SCULLY I give up. What is it? MULDER I'm not telling a joke. I'm asking you what it's called, because I really don't know. SCULLY Oh. (thinks) Wow. That's a toughie. You sure you haven't got a stale pun somewhere in the depths of your mind? MULDER That's my department, but I'm clean out of rotten potatoes. SCULLY Rotten potatoes...? MULDER At any rate, we still don't know what to do about this guy. SCULLY Wait! Let's land first. MULDER You think you can do that? SCULLY I'll just crash very carefully. (Scully finds a clearing and sets the helicopter down on the ground. Mulder brushes himself off and helps Scully out of the helicopter.) MULDER We're back on the ground. Now what, Captain? SCULLY Do you think we can get this contraption off the ground again? MULDER Well, Captain, judging form the unfriendly manner in which those men holding firearms seem to be approaching us, I'd say we'll be spared the trouble of getting the damn thing airborne again. (Said aggressive men are seen advancing upon Mulder and Scully.) SCULLY Where the hell did they come from? MULDER Good old Dad! I knew he'd send an escort to take us home. You know, once you get to know him, my father isn't half bad. SCULLY Oh? Really? MULDER Nah. He's three-quarters bad. SCULLY I had to ask. (The men part, and Cigarette-Smoking Man steps forward.) CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting first cigarette) You and Dr. Scully are clever, son. Very clever indeed. First you took a helicopter, and then, when you discovered the skydiver we dropped in your propeller, you landed in a clearing to assess your situation and evaluate options. MULDER You mean you dropped that skydiver into the propeller on purpose? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting second cigarette) Oh, he wasn't really a skydiver. He was just some suicidal bum we found on the street. We put him in a jumpsuit and promised to publicize his death. MULDER But how did you get him up there? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting third cigarette) You didn't really think you weren't being followed, did you, son? MULDER Well -- CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fourth cigarette) Bullshit. You knew. MULDER Actually, I -- CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifth cigarette) I mean, you're unperceptive occasionally, but not that unperceptive. MULDER But did you just drop him? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting sixth cigarette) I'll admit is was a little messy, even for my tastes, but it was efficient. MULDER And to think that you are my father. It positively shocks me. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting seventh cigarette) Well, what do you want? I'm a bad guy. MULDER You have a point there. But I'm your son, and I'm a good guy. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eighth cigarette) I don't think goodness or badness is genetic. MULDER Ah, Dad? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting ninth cigarette) I don't want to discuss it. MULDER Dad, you have nine cigarettes in your mouth again. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting tenth cigarette) I know. I'm breaking my record. See, now I have ten. MULDER But how do you keep them all in your mouth and talk at the same time? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eleventh cigarette) Son, that's just another one of those things that's for me to know and you to find out. MULDER Just tell me how you do it. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twelfth cigarette) I don't really have them in my mouth. I just clench my teeth appropriately and the cigarettes get added in post-production. MULDER But I can see them right now! We haven't even gotten to pre-post- production yet! CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting thirteenth cigarette) So...you're psychic! MULDER (after beat) Why are you doing that? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fourteenth cigarette) Doing what? MULDER There! You just lit a new cigarette again! CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting fifteenth cigarette) So? I like to smoke. MULDER Nobody likes it that much. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting sixteenth cigarette) It's part of my character. I have a line, I light another cigarette. Surely you've picked up on this pattern by now. MULDER (bewildered, then just beginning to see) Oh. I never noticed it before. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting seventeenth cigarette; shaking head) My own son. So unperceptive! MULDER So why are you here? Are you going to take us back again now that you've re-re-re-captured us? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting eighteenth cigarette) Hell, no! We came to give you the keys to your car. (motions to trees, gives Mulder keys) Take them and drive home. There's a dirt road back to the highway over there. (points to road) Now, scram! MULDER You didn't put a bomb in the car? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting nineteenth cigarette) No! MULDER No deadly biotoxin sprayed on the upholstery? CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (lighting twentieth cigarette) I ought to know, oughtn't I? Now get the hell out of here so I don't have to put any more of these damn cigarettes in my mouth. MULDER But you said -- (He is cut off by his father's glare. Cigarette-Smoking Man turns and storms off. Scully approaches Mulder.) SCULLY Mulder, how come I never talk to your father? MULDER You should ask my father. But don't ask him now. SCULLY (shrugging) I just wanted to ask him why he has so many cigarettes in his mouth. MULDER You can see them, too? We must both be psychic. He says that those cigarettes won't be in his mouth until the post-production staff adds them. SCULLY I just want to ask him how he can hold them all in his mouth and talk simultaneously without dropping any of them. MULDER (quickly) I really don't think that's a good idea. (more calmly) Listen, he gave me the keys to the car in those trees. (indicates trees) He's letting us go. SCULLY There's no -- MULDER He said no. SCULLY Do you trust him? MULDER (pauses; then) No, not really. (They hurry to the car and drive off.) LUKE'S DINER FISKDALE, MASSACHUSETTS 2:25 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Mulder and Scully enter a roadside diner. It is dark outside. They are seated. Waitress comes up to them to take their orders.) MULDER I think we'll just each have a hamburger. WAITRESS (passing her hand over table) You would like french fries with those. MULDER I beg your pardon? (Waitress looks up from her note pad and narrows her eyes at Mulder, passing her hand as she speaks again.) WAITRESS You would like french fries with those. MULDER Are you asking me or telling me? WAITRESS Must you be so difficult? (passing her hand) You would like french fries with those. MULDER (enraged) What the hell is going on here? SCULLY (calming him) Let me take care of this, Mulder. (turning back to Waitress) We'd like baked potatoes. WAITRESS (insistent, passing her hand) No, you would like *french fries*. SCULLY I don't care how many times you've seen "Star Wars." I'd be willing to wager that I've seen "Babe" at least as many. But that lame old Jedi mind trick doesn't work, just like livestock don't listen to you when you say, "Baa, Ram, Ewe!" I ought to know; I've tried it. WAITRESS Ah, but that is where you are wrong. I *have* used it before. (passing her hand) It *does* work -- (passing her hand) -- and you *do* want french fries. SCULLY No, we want baked potatoes. I must remind you that it only works on the feeble-minded. We are special agents with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. (flashes badge) WAITRESS So were the first fifteen people I used it on. What is your point? SCULLY Oh, I forgot. We've been the victims of stereotyping. I'll have you know that I'm also licensed to practice medicine and that this fellow here -- (indicates Mulder, who stares dumbly) -- has a degree from Oxford University in England and is one of the Bureau's top profilers. We're both highly-skilled professionals, and we're neither of us going to sit here and take this bullshit, from you or any other die-hard "Star Wars" fan. WAITRESS I also got ten doctors and thirteen psycho -- SCULLY (interrupting) *Baked* potatoes! WAITRESS (hurriedly scribbling on note pad) Yes, yes, baked potatoes, ma'am. (Waitress turns and leaves. Scully calls after her as she goes to the kitchen.) SCULLY And don't get it wrong! Don't irritate Feds! (to Mulder) Well, Mulder, we certainly do attract them. We don't seem to be able to go anywhere without encountering weirdos of all kinds. Mulder? Are you listening? (Mulder is staring blankly into space, mouth hanging slightly open. He is singing the "Star Wars" theme. Scully shakes her head. However, when the food arrives and he is still singing the theme, she snaps her fingers at him.) SCULLY Mulder! Eat your hamburger! MULDER (returning to reality) Oh! Right! (starts eating hamburger) SCULLY (rolling eyes) I'll take the next shift. INTERSTATE-84 NEAR MATAMORA, NEW YORK 6:00 PM, GREENWICH MEAN TIME (Scully is driving, when suddenly, the radio turns on and blares static. Scully pulls over as Mulder wakes up with a start. Mulder grumbles under his breath.) MULDER God-damned aliens! They just follow me everywhere. (Mulder, followed by Scully, goes around to the trunk, gets a can of red spray paint, and marks an "X" on the road.) MULDER Can't even get a good night's sleep anymore. SCULLY Why is it still dark at one in the afternoon? MULDER (looking up at sky) We must've lost time somewhere. (Scully fumbles around in her pockets, searching for something.) SCULLY Have you got change for a twenty, Mulder? MULDER (checking pockets) Nope. Don't you? SCULLY Dammit, Mulder, we just can't go anywhere prepared, can we? MULDER I think it's the curse of the F.B.I. agent. But what makes you say that our supplies are inadequate? SCULLY Well, all I remember from the last time we lost nine minutes is someone asking me to break a twenty. MULDER We won't have time to get to a bank before they come and get us, either. Wouldn't you just know it? It's so like us. SCULLY Sh. They're starting to turn on the white lights. (Joining hands, Mulder and Scully stand and face the bright, blinding flash, bracing themselves for the worst. However, it turns out only to be a truck with its brights on. The vehicle stops near Mulder and Scully, and Driver rolls down the window.) DRIVER 'Scuse me, ma'am, you got change for a twenty? (no reply) What about you, mister? (no reply) Hey, lady, what's wrong with your better half? (Saying nothing, Mulder and Scully gape in astonishment first at Driver, then at each other. Without a word, they hurry back to their car and drive away. Driver shrugs, and, rolling up the window, turns to his companions, who is slumped over in the passenger seat.) DRIVER Well, Jack, all in a day's work, I guess. But they sure do send us after the damnedest weirdoes. (Driver begins unzipping his disguise, revealing a grey alien form. Jack remains lifelessly crumpled up.) DRIVER You know, Jack, you just haven't been the same since you killed yourself banging your head against that door and shouting, "This is not happening," over and over. You used to be such a great traveling companion and partner. Now you're always slouching. It's very bad for your posture. You ought to sit up straight. (Driver tries to prop up Jack, but he fails and gives up. He puts the truck into gear and starts driving off into the night. As he drives away, he is still talking.) DRIVER And that's another thing. You never say anything anymore. (Fade to black. The credits begin rolling.) Okay, brace yourselves, this is gonna be long, folks! Notes, in order of appearance: 1. All cities/towns/villages/whatevers really do exist, but the landscape and terrain represented herein are entirely fictitious. 2. Lightning insurance for livestock farmers also exists, and Scully's rational explanation is based loosely on James Herriot's accounts thereof. 3. Mulder's tale of Snefru is actually chronicled in one of the many dusty books on my father's shelves. 4. The songs: a) The version of "Besame Mucho" which I know and love is on The Beatles Anthology 1, disc 1. Previous rendition by the Coasters. b) "What Goes On" is another Beatles track, this time from the album Rubber Soul. c) "Think For Yourself", Beatles again, also Rubber Soul. d) "You Can't Do That", Beatles (noticing a pattern here?), from the album A Hard Day's Night. e) That would be the Beatles version of "The Sheik of Araby" (featuring some notable "not arf" 's, courtesy of John and Paul), but the original is from the musical "Make It Snappy". The Fab Four's take is on the first disc of Anthology 1. f) "I'll Get You" was a Beatles single from 1963. It can be found on Past Masters, Volume One. g) "I Don't Know How to Love Him" is from Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Jesus Christ Superstar" (which is the best musical *ever*!). The portion that Krycek sings is Mary Magdalene's. h) Mulder enjoys threatening Spender with "Cousin Kevin" from The Who's Tommy album. I) Spender quotes from Tommy, too. "Go to the Mirror!" was sung by Jack Nicholson (who has the same birthday as I do) in the movie version. j) "The Line" is extracted from one of the weirdest musicals of all time, "Kiss of the Spiderwoman". Really good songs from that one are few and far between, but who am I to complain? k) "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" was sung by Cher. m) Back to the Beatles again: "She's Leaving Home" comes from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. (It is hereby acknowledged that Mae West would certainly *never* be in a Lonely Hearts Club.) n) "Jet Plane" has been sung a number of times by a number of people and groups, most famously Peter, Paul, and Mary and John Denver. My father claims that it was originally an Ian and Sylvia song. No one at *band camp* knew all the words, either. 5. I personally bear Mick Jagger no ill will. He himself is not *that* untalented, but half of him might be. 6. Yes, I am a Jew. Now you all know. 7. The South China Sea is an area made extremely dangerous by piracy. A friend of mine was on a trip around the world, and she had to learn to shoot a gun specifically because they would be in those waters. 8. All Latin and German text is correct. Think of it, four years of Latin really *did* come in handy! And the German, well, we always knew there was something to be said for Scully's language skills. Translation is as follows: Redate suam animam! Redate mihi eam! Date mihi signum! "Return her spirit to me! Return her to me! Give me a sign!" Animae! Vos testor! Audite vocem meam! Audite causam meam! "Spirits! I implore you! Hear my voice! Hear my prayer!" 9. Several segments were directly inspired by Monty Python's Flying Circus. The television series, that is. 10. People in Minnesota are, according to my next-door neighbors from Minnesota, extraordinarily predisposed to put Jell-o (trademark) in everything. 11. The Eighth Amendment of the United States Constitution specifically protects citizens against "cruel and unusual punishment." 12. Scully's guesses concerning what Mulder found on the way home are the answers to riddles posed in the original "Batman" movie starring Adam West as the Caped Crusader and Burt Ward as the Boy Wonder. 13. The hand of my friend's alien action figure came off. We left it that way, because it was much more amusing. 14. Some other parts were a parody of a parody: see Mel Brooks' spoof "Space Balls" for the reference. 15. In the author's humble opinion, any processed meat which has both a first and last name warrants federal investigation. 16. The German: Weisst du? Der Bundeswagen! "You see? The Fedmobile!" 17. The flashlights Mulder and Scully used for at least the first two seasons (as far as I know) were 4000 candlepower.