From: Donna Honeycutt Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 10:04:22 -0500 Subject: New Story - Ordeal Aftermath Source: direct Title - Ordeal Aftermath Author - Donna Email address - donnah@pop.uky.edu URL - www.geocities.com/Area51/Quadrant/4571/ Rating - R Category - MSR, angst Spoilers - Orison Keywords - MSR, angst Summary - After the episode Feedback - Please Archive - Anywhere, just keep my name attached and let me know Disclaimer - Mulder, Scully, the Lone Gunman and Skinner all belong to Chris Carter, 10-13 and Fox. No infringement intended. Ordeal Aftermath "I'm fine Mulder." "I didn't say anything." He held the door open for her and after short hesitation she entered. "Why are we here?" That caught him off guard. "You need a place to stay. I've got the room." "I should . . . I should probably go to Mom's." She glanced around his apartment as though she had never been there before. "Didn't you tell me she was going out of town?" Why was he watching her so closely? It was unnerving her. She was fine and she certainly didn't need him hovering. "I . . . I could still stay there." "I don't think you should be alone Scully." "I'm perfectly capable - " "Yes, you are. But I'd like for you to stay here tonight. Please, as a favor to me." She wouldn't look at him, watching instead as he placed her overnight bag on the floor beside his couch. After a minute he continued, "You want to clean up? Take a shower or something?" She nodded, still not speaking; "There's clean towels in the bathroom." "Thanks." She still wouldn't look at him. She just picked up her bag and took it with her toward the bathroom. "Scully, what do you feel like eating?" "Nothing Mulder. I'm not hungry." She didn't even slow down, entering the bathroom. He didn't protest, but she needed to eat. He placed a quick call for delivery and changed the sheets on his bed. When she emerged, she was dressed in pajamas and completely swathed in her robe. Her hair was slicked back and she was pale. Maybe some of the paleness came from having on no makeup, but not entirely. Without comment she made herself comfortable on the couch, feet tucked up under her. He started toward her, but the knock interrupted him. Oh yeah, the food. He took it quickly and brought it to the coffee table. "Maybe you can eat a little now." She glanced up as though she had forgotten he was there. "What?" "The food's here Scully. Try a little." "Mulder, I don't - " "It's Thai, your favorite." "Mulder I can't. Not right now." He nodded and left the food covered. His appetite wasn't really good right now as well. They sat in silence, though he kept glancing over at her wanting to do more, to offer comfort, something. Finally she leaned over and picked up the remote, quickly surfing through the channels, avoiding the news until she hit on an old movie. It took her a minute to recognize it, "Is that -?" "The Day the Earth Stood Still. A classic." She nodded and leaned back on the couch, seeming to concentrate on the film. He tried to relax himself, putting his feet up on the table and doing his best to extend the time between glances. The movie was about half over when she leaned forward during a commercial and hit the mute button. "I murdered him." She didn't look at Mulder, but his head twisted rapidly toward her. "Scully it was self defense." She glanced up then, into his eyes. "No, it wasn't. You were there; you had your gun on him. I wasn't in danger, not any more." "Scully it was - ' "It was cold blooded murder. I need to talk to Skinner." "Skinner, why?" He leaned toward her, desperate to touch her but afraid she would pull away from him. "How can I work for the Justice Department when I'm capable of murdering another human being?" His internal temperature dropped twenty degrees. "Scully, he wasn't human." She shook her head, but didn't speak. "Scully, look at me. It was justified. You didn't know what he was going to do. He was charging me, if I had gone down, he would have been free again. It was our job to stop him." "He wasn't charging you Mulder. He was stopped. I could have done it differently. He didn't have to die." "Yes Scully, he did. For what he'd done to those women, for what he nearly did to you. He had to die and if you hadn't pulled the trigger, I would have." She looked away again and seemed to grow smaller as he watched. "Tonight isn't a good time to make any decisions Scully. You need to take some time, get some perspective." She nodded rather than argue the point, then rose from the couch. "I think I'll turn in Mulder. Do you want me to use the bed or the couch?" "The bed. Clean sheets." He smiled up at her. She tried to reciprocate, but it didn't work. "Good night." "Night Scully. If you need anything . . . " She waved, dismissing the rest of his statement and headed for the bedroom, closing the door behind her. He collapsed back into the couch. Call Skinner? Leave the Bureau? Oh god, that couldn't happen. Okay it was selfish, but he couldn't handle it. He couldn't even visualize the X-Files without her now, he didn't want to. Oh hell, quit kidding yourself, you can't visualize anything without her. It's okay living here alone, eating alone, sitting alone just because in the mornings you can go in and see her. He sank down, reclining on the couch. He turned back to the movie but the flickering images didn't penetrate his brain. ***** He jerked awake, disoriented. Why wasn't he in his bed, he hadn't slept on the couch since . . . Scully. She turned to him then, from her seat by the computer. "Are you okay?" They spoke together and he tried to grin. "I couldn't sleep. Did I wake you?" She looked tired. He didn't think she'd slept at all. "No, Scully. You didn't wake me. Can I get you anything?" "I know where everything is Mulder. Except, maybe me." She let her head fall back, looking at the ceiling and fell silent. He rose then and took her hand, tugging her to her feet. "Mulder - " "Shh." He just held her, letting her rest her head against his shoulder. "I've got an idea." She didn't respond, but she didn't pull away, giving him control of the conversation. "You're going to be on administrative leave for at least a week. I can't really accomplish anything without you. Why don't we go somewhere?" "Go somewhere?" She heard him, but didn't bother to move away from his embrace. She sounded so weary, as though the question itself was enough to exhaust her. "Yeah. We could go to Atlantic City and gamble." "You don't gamble." "Oh, I don't know." His arms tightened slightly around her. "I'm feeling incredibly lucky tonight." "Lucky?" "Not raining sleeping bags lucky." He grinned as she looked up startled, blushing. "Lucky that you're alive and well and here with me." She looked down then and pressed her cheek into his chest. "Okay, no gambling. How about New York? Maybe see a show?" She gave a little laugh at that. "You know where I'd like to go?" "Where Scully?" "Your lake house." "You want to go to Quonochontaug?" "Yes. Just sit in front of a fire, do nothing but relax, no phones, no computers." "But I could come?" She did chuckle then. "Yeah, you could come." "Okay, let's do it." "What?" She pulled away slightly to look up at him. "Let's go up to the cabin and relax for a few days." "I thought we were kidding around. You don't have to take me anywhere. Besides, I need to clean up my apartment." "I know I don't have to. I want to. It'll be good for both of us. They're not going to release your apartment for days. This would be more fun than desk duty and we both have the time coming." She just looked at him. "Is getting away with me that bad an idea?" "No." He could see her thinking, weighing the possibilities, "No, I think it's a good idea actually. We'd have to clear it." "I'll call Skinner when it gets light." "Okay." She straightened up, moving away from him. "Think you can sleep now?" She shrugged lightly and moved toward his bedroom. He sank back down onto the couch and watched her disappear into his room. He breathed a sigh of relief that she was going to let him call Skinner rather than her. Her comment about leaving had torn open a wound he thought was long healed. ***** She jerked awake gasping, where was she? She was moving, a car? Then she felt his hand on her cheek. "It's okay Scully. It was just a dream." She took a shaky breath and allowed him to take her hand. "I wish I'd killed that SOB the first time we met him. Before he had the chance to hurt you again. I wouldn't feel any guilt." "That's not . . . that's not what I was dreaming." "Can you tell me?" He squeezed her hand lightly. "I don't want to talk about it Mulder. Not now. How long have I been asleep? It is much further?" "Not that long. We'll be there in half an hour or so. We need to stop and get some groceries first." She nodded and looked back out the window. He ached to help her. She shouldn't feel guilty and if something else were bothering her, why wouldn't she open up to him? He pulled into the grocery shortly and she let herself out of the car before he could approach her side. They were silent entering. He took command of the cart, and steered immediately for the junk food section. She gave him an indulgent look, then turned the cart toward the fresh vegetables. He willingly took on the role of devil's advocate about her choices of food and between them the cart began to fill up. He watched her brighten up and try to hide it as he tossed the ice cream in. Yes, he'd do anything to bring a smile to her face. There was some conflict over who was to pay, but he ended it by handing the cashier the money and putting the lightest bag in her arms. Once everything was stowed in the trunk of the car she faced him, hands on hips. "I'm paying my share of the groceries." "You most certainly are Agent Scully. You're cooking them." "What?" But he saw the smile playing around her lips. "I don't even know what some of that stuff is, I'm not about to cook it. That's the payment I want." She kind of grunted at him, but didn't argue anymore, just let herself back into the car. ***** They carried the supplies and suitcases in; Mulder carried hers on into the bedroom. She trailed behind him. "Mulder, where did you guys sleep as kids?" "In the loft." He pointed to the stairs. She looked in that direction. "I've never been up there." "Not a lot to see, come on." He led the way up the stairs. The dust was pretty thick up there and the bunk beds tucked under the eaves looked very small. "You can't sleep up here, you'd never fit on that." "Wasn't planning to. I'll take the couch, like I do at home." He sounded distracted, looking over the railing at the floor below. "Mulder, that's hardly fair. I'll take the couch." He shook himself, coming back to the present. "Nope, I take the couch. If it gets too uncomfortable, I'll come climb in the bed with you." He winked at her and started back downstairs. "Mulder, I'm sorry. Here I've forced you to bring me up here and now you can't even sleep comfortably." He stopped on the stairs and turned to her. She was at eye level for a change. "First, you did not force me to bring you up here, I wanted to. Second, I'll be very comfortable on the couch. And third, thanks for coming with me. I'd like to have good memories of this place again." Her eyes widened as he turned away from her and continued on down the stairs. Good memories? She moved into the bedroom and uncovered the bed, putting on the clean sheets they had brought. She cleaned a little, dusting the room and airing it out. She glanced out into the main room but didn't see him. He'd been putting away the groceries, where was he? She felt a chill even knowing that he couldn't be far. Hell, he was probably in the bathroom. She wandered out into the main room. The bathroom door was open and the light out. Without warning she panicked, she was alone here. She ran to the door, jerking it open, and was outside. The car . . . the car was there. He hadn't left her. But where was he! Tears were actually blurring her vision when she heard the thonk of an axe striking wood. She turned toward the sound. He was splitting wood over to the side of the house. He looked up as the wood fell from the chopping block and spotted her. He dropped the axe immediately and moved to her side. "Scully? What? What's wrong?" She shook her head, dashing the tears from her eyes. "What happened Scully?' He took her arms in his hands. "Nothing. I . . . it's stupid, I thought . . . I didn't know where you were." That admission rendered him speechless. He pulled her to him and she resisted less than he had thought she would. When she tried to pull away he forced himself to release her. "Have a seat Scully. Let me impress you with my masculine prowess." "Your what?" "Ah come on. This is cool, my muscles ripple." "Oh god." She rolled her eyes, but seated herself to be near him. Rather than comment, he picked the axe back up. "You said you wanted to sit in front of a fire, so we're gonna need lots of wood." He didn't look at her, giving her time to compose herself. He kept his back to her for a while, as much to keep her from reading his expression as to give her time. He didn't remember anything affecting her like this. What had happened before he got there? She hadn't wanted to talk about it and he hadn't pushed, but he might have to now. When a respectable pile of wood was accumulated, he turned to her. She looked more herself than the woman that had burst from the cabin. He tugged her to her feet and positioned her arms in front of her. "Here, let's lay a fire then start something for dinner. Okay?" She nodded and took the wood he piled into her arms, noting that the pieces he took were more than twice as heavy. She would normally call him on something like that, but this time she just let it go. He laid the fire while she looked over the kitchen. With him right there where she could hear him she could feel herself growing steadier, more grounded. She pulled a pot from the cabinet and washed it, then began fixing chili. She wasn't sure how much she could eat but the warmth and the comfort food aspect drew her to it. She turned when the room got quiet, and found him near her, leaning against the bar and watching her prepare the meal. He smiled at her when she caught him. "I don't often get to see you domestic." She shrugged lightly, "I don't often get to be domestic. Maybe that's the appeal." He nodded his eyes taking in all of her. She felt her face growing warm with his regard and turned back to her preparations. She heard him shift and straighten up and felt a pang of regret that the moment was gone. Once everything was simmering, he returned to the kitchen and turned the fire down to its lowest setting. "Let's take a walk Scully. You haven't seen that much of the place. The lake is beautiful." At her shy smile, he draped her jacket over her shoulders and they headed out the back door. They walked for quite a while, with him pointing out places that had meant something to him in the distant past, with Samantha. He caught the shiver from the corner of his eye. "Scully? You getting chilly?" Before she could answer he took her hands in his. "Damn, you're frozen. Why didn't you say something?" "I really didn't notice; I was enjoying the walk." He cupped her hands into his and brought them to his lips, blowing warm air on them, then to her shock, turned her hands over and placed a gentle kiss in each of her palms. He looked down at her and smiled when he saw no outrage in her face, only surprise. "Let's get you inside." He swung his arm around her shoulders and turned her back toward the house, keeping her close against him. The smell of the chili wafted to them as they entered the house and she could hear it bubbling merrily. He, however, turned her toward the couch and seated her, pulling the afghan around her shoulders. "Mulder, I can dish up dinner." "You cooked, I'll serve. Let me get the fire started first." He knelt in front of the fireplace, his back to her. She watched him smiling slightly at the thought of his 'rippling muscles' and secretly enjoying the care he was taking of her. He stood then, brushing off his knees and bringing her back to the present. He winked at her and moved toward the kitchen. She knew her cheeks grew pink and hoped he would assume it was the fire. He returned with a bowl of chili and a basket of crackers. "This should warm you up nicely." He handed her the bowl and placed the basket on the table then returned with their ice tea and his own bowl. He sat on the floor in front of her, leaning on the couch. She had the craziest desire to run her fingers through his hair. She shook that idea off and he caught her. "Are you still cold?" "No, I was thinking." "Dangerous habit Scully. Haven't I taught you anything over the years?" She did smile then and relaxed, letting the warmth and peacefulness of the place wash over her. Very shortly she was yawning and he rescued the bowl from her hand as it tilted. "Why don't you go get ready for bed Scully?" "It's too early." "Obviously not. Go on, you didn't sleep last night. It's catching up with you." "After I clean up, okay?" She started to rise. "Not okay. You cooked; I clean. Go on." She hesitated another moment, but he wasn't giving in. She turned, a slight smile on her face and moved toward the bedroom. When she emerged in a few minutes, wearing her pj's and the inevitable robe, he was washing dishes, his hands wet and soapy. She stopped for a second, just to watch him then moved over to the counter and leaned against it. That was when he noticed her and looked up. "Wish I had a camera." "Scully, you into blackmail?" "Maybe. It is quite a sight. I'm more used to paper plates at your place." He harrumphed at her and continued with the dishes. She stepped closer and rose onto tiptoes to brush a kiss across his cheek by way of thanks. He turned at the last second and her kiss brushed his lips instead. For an instant the planet stood still. "Mulder, I . . . I . . . " He nodded. "Sleep well Scully." He saw her shoulders relax and knew he'd been right not to comment. He could just enjoy the memory of the sensation after she went on to bed. "Good night Mulder." She retreated to the bedroom without another word. He decided to get ready for bed himself. He wouldn't be leaving the cabin. Her reaction to not knowing where he was this afternoon was still fresh in his mind. Settling in front of the fire in t-shirt and pajama bottoms, he picked up a book he'd brought - the TV reception was lousy up here - and started reading. In a few minutes the heat of the fire, even though it was dying down now, caused him to remove the t-shirt. He'd slip it back on before he dozed. ***** She was screaming, he couldn't tell from pain or horror, and it didn't matter. It was Scully. He sat up abruptly, the book falling to the floor from his chest. He snatched his gun from the coffee table and burst into her room. Scully was sitting up in the bed, her cries incoherent. There was nothing in the room, this was in her mind. He placed the gun on the dresser and joined her on the bed. "Scully. Scully, it's a dream. Wake up, please Scully." His voice was soft, but she was too deep within herself. Finally he put his arms around her and she seemed to notice him. "Mulder? Mulder!" And she was clinging to him, clutching him but still caught in whatever nightmare had gripped her. He couldn't break through, so finally he lifted her into his arms and carried her back to the fire. Her body needed the warmth. "Scully. Sit here; let me build the fire back up. Scully? Can you hear me?" She finally seemed to focus on him then and managed to nod. He pulled the blanket he'd been using around her shoulders and after another look deep into her eyes, backed to the fireplace and finally turned to add wood to the fire. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him, then she rose shakily from the couch and approached him. "Oh my god." He turned then, startled. She'd been so quiet approaching him. "Scully, what?" Her finger gently touched his back. "Did I do this?" "Do what?" "These scratches. Oh Mulder, I . . . " He turned trying to get a look at his back. Now that she mentioned it, yeah there was stinging. She'd clawed at him when he took her into his arms, trying to get even closer. "It's nothing Scully. I didn't even feel it." She was the important thing now. "I broke the skin, you're bleeding." "Scully, forget it. Come on back to the couch. Let me get you warm." She allowed him to lead her back and seat her, but she looked defeated, hopeless. It wasn't a look he remembered seeing before and it frightened him. "I can't believe I did that." He shook his head, "How are you feeling? Don't say 'fine' Scully." She shook her head. "No, I'm not fine. Mulder, what am I going to do? How can I . . . Why he is getting to me like this? I'm a professional, I've done this job for years." "He's been your worst Scully. He got to you like I'd never seen the first time. And this time - " "But you don't let these people get to you. You don't fall apart." "I beg your pardon, Scully. Maybe I've hidden it from you but - " "No Mulder. Not like this. No one has ever put you out like this bastard has me." "Scully, one word - Modell." He lifted her chin to where she was facing him. "I have my monster too." "Modell? I didn't . . . I didn't realize." "Really? He definitely haunts me. The first time he nearly had me murder you. The second time - watching you put that gun to your head and pull the trigger . . . You don't want to know how many times I've woken up to that." "I'm sorry." "You and I need to meet a better class of people Scully." She allowed him to pull her back against him then, his arms going around her, below her breasts. He noted that she wasn't wearing her robe. Then he realized he'd never put back on the t-shirt. He pulled her even closer involuntarily, and she accepted the comfort. They sat quietly for a while. "Scully . . . " She turned slightly, wasn't he going to finish? She could feel his hesitation and felt some apprehension as he swallowed before he could continue. He took a breath, "Scully, let me sleep with you tonight." He felt her tense in his arms. "I'm not talking about sex Scully. I just think we'd both . . . I want you in my arms tonight. I think you'd feel safer, I know I would." He stopped then, frightened that he'd already said too much. "You . . . you're probably right Mulder. I think, I think it would be okay." He closed his eyes in relief, wondering where he'd gotten the courage to even make the suggestion. After a moment he lifted her to her feet and moved her toward the bedroom. She didn't resist, but he could feel her uneasiness. "I would never hurt you Scully." "I know." She said it faintly, but squeezed his hand to reassure him. He settled her in the bed, then climbed in himself. He turned her onto her side and curled around her. His warmth permeated her body, relaxing her more than she thought possible under the circumstances. She didn't dare contemplate the feel of his hard body surrounding her. He woke to the feel of her breasts, sans bra, pressing into his chest. She'd turned during the night and gotten even more comfortable. The feel of her breasts against him was wreaking havoc with his libido and part of his own anatomy was now pressing quite firmly against her abdomen. His mind shrieked danger, but he couldn't force his body to listen. He might have to live with this as his only memory and he was going to savor it. She took a deep breath and snuggled closer. He had a brief frightening flashback to high school that he managed to curb. She was waking. It took about one heartbeat for her to realize their situation. Her mind flashed back to the time when she'd cared for him when he had been drugged. He'd been unconscious, and yes she'd checked out his equipment. They'd never talked about it; he probably thought she would never do such a thing. He exceeded her imagination. He had to know she was awake, but he wasn't pulling away. Come to think of it, neither was she. She took a breath and looked up at him. "Happy to see me?" He laughed, breaking the tension. "Yeah, you could say that. This is how I fantasized getting those scratches on my back." Color flooded her face. He pressed his lips against her forehead. "I think I better . . . uh . . . " "Yeah, I guess you should." ***** She was in the kitchen fixing eggs when he emerged from the shower. She managed to keep her eyes on his face. He was sorry to see the robe, but knew his memories were firmly in place. He cleaned the kitchen while she showered and dressed. Then they packed a picnic at his suggestion and he took her to Samantha's favorite spot. It was too late in the season to swim, but he pointed out places they had played and relived memories for her. It was the first time she could remember him talking about his sister with a smile on his face. It was a beautiful sight. It came to her that he hadn't spoken of these events, possibly hadn't thought of them in over twenty-five years. Her own smile grew and she allowed him to pull her to her feet to check out a tree where they had carved words. "Butt munch?" She had to laugh. "Yeah, she called me that. Typical brother/sister stuff." "What did you do to earn a name like that?" "Acted like a butt." He shrugged. She nodded, "I can see that." He tried to look outraged, but couldn't pull it off in light of her smile. When they got hungry they fed each other the sandwiches and fruit, then he cuddled her against him as she asked embarrassing questions about his adolescence. It was a thoroughly enjoyable day with both of them relaxed and comfortable in each other's company. When they got back to the cabin, they unloaded their supplies then Mulder headed for the back door. "I'm gonna cut some more wood for tonight, we went through a lot yesterday. Wanna watch?" He waggled his eyebrows at her. "Thanks, I'll pass. You go on and ripple without me this time. I'm going to marinate the steaks and get the potatoes on." "You're missing a treat." "Right, I'll survive. Go." He turned to look back at her as he left. She was a lot better than yesterday, much more relaxed and together. And her smile was genuine this time. ***** He looked up at the movement and saw her approaching him with a glass of ice tea. He wiped his brow and stood, appreciating the view. "Don't you think that's enough Mulder?" He looked down at the stack he'd made. "Yeah," he grinned, "I got into the zone." She brushed off the block and sat watching him drink, then took a sip from her own glass. "What's that?" "Red wine." "You don't trust me with wine?" "You're using an axe." She responded dryly. "You're just jealous." He handed her back the tea glass and began stacking the wood to carry inside. "Thank you." She said it so quietly he wasn't sure he'd heard her. He looked up to find her watching him. Instead of speaking, he nodded and turned toward the house with his armful of wood. She held the door for him and when he went for a second load, checked on their meal. She watched him arrange the wood for the fire and when he was finished, sank down onto the couch and looked up at him. Without preamble she spoke. "Did you ever see Modell as a monster?" "I never saw him as anything else Scully." "No, that's not what I meant. Physically, did you ever visualize him as less than human, evil?" He sat beside her, not certain yet what she was asking. After a moment she shook her head, "I'm sorry, it . . . " She started to rise from the couch, but he put his hand on her arm, stopping her. "What happened? Before I got there? Did he hurt you?" He asked it quietly but his whole body was screaming for the answer. "Not, not like you mean. He didn't . . . touch . . . me. Although I knew that was coming." She trembled slightly and he moved closer to her. She looked down at her hands then, clasped in her lap. "I saw him change in front of me. Mulder, I know it's not possible. I couldn't have seen what I thought I saw, but . . . " "Talk to me Scully." He placed his own hand over hers. "I saw his face, it had, it had scales and . . . and horns. I was looking at a demon." She shook slightly as though to dislodge the vision. "Scully, maybe you did see that." "What?" She looked up startled. "The man was less than human. What he did, what turned him on - he was a demon. Maybe . . . maybe he was obsessed with you because you could see that in him. Most people didn't, maybe his victims, maybe only the person that could defeat him, you." She blinked, he hadn't laughed at her words. Of course Mulder would never laugh at her fears, but it had seemed so real. It had happened the first time as well. She had seen the evil in him. That was one of the reasons for her breakdown when Mulder had finally gotten to her after her first encounter with Donnie Pfaster. She faced criminals all the time, but true evil was rare, even in her job. "Did I defeat him Mulder?" "I don't know Scully. The body is dead; I wish I could say the evil was as well. But Donnie Pfaster won't be raping and mutilating any more women. That is a victory. You have to see it as such." "Do you see Modell's death as a victory?" He looked away for a moment, then back to her. "He left scars, deep ones. But you're alive, so yes it was a victory." After a moment, when she was able to speak, "That's what makes it a victory? That I'm alive?" "You know it is, Scully. I saw you lying in that pool of blood, dead at your own hand and I couldn't stop you. But if you hadn't stopped me . . . Scully, I was aiming at the exact same spot on her head - your head." He looked away for a minute, "Skinner saw that. Remember, he asked me to stay after you left." Mulder gave a rueful chuckle. "He wanted to congratulate me on a job well done." He gave a harsh laugh then. "They both played me for all they were worth. I nearly lost you twice to them. Yes, your life is a victory for me." Her hand was trembling as it caressed his face and she blinked back tears. He closed his eyes and pressed his face into her hand. "I love you Scully." Her hand was gone as though burnt. His eyes flew open. Oh god, he'd said that out loud. Her eyes were wide and he couldn't read her expression. "Scully, I - " "Not now. Mulder, not now, please." She rose and moved to the kitchen, avoiding his eyes. He was as scared as he ever remembered being. What the hell had he done? He managed to make it to his feet and headed outside to light the grill. He wasn't sure he should. She would probably want to leave immediately, but she didn't stop him. He didn't return inside, he couldn't face her yet, so he watched the coals and kept his mind blank. Finally he forced himself inside to get the steaks. She had them ready for him though she didn't say anything. He didn't try to speak either, just taking the food. He wasn't sure he could eat, but he was going to try. When he returned, she had the table set and the rest of the meal ready. He put the steaks on the table and watched her fill the glasses with tea. "Go ahead and sit Mulder." He nodded and did as she instructed. He put the steak he had cooked especially as she liked it on her plate and took the other for himself. The food was good, he wished he could do justice to it, but the fear was still too sharp. The same seemed true of her, and after several bites she lay her fork down. "What did you mean?" He looked up warily. "When you said . . . " "When I said I love you." She nodded. He put down his own utensils. "That I love you, Scully. I didn't mean to say it out loud, I'd kept it in this long." Her eyes widened. "I slipped once, but you assumed I was drugged. You didn't want to hear, and I let it go." She started to rise but he caught her hand. "I don't want to let it go again Scully." "You don't love me Mulder. You don't. This is just a reaction to the case and . . . and the memories we brought up about Modell." He shook his head, "No Scully, that's just why I'm able to talk about it. I love you, I have for a long time." He released her hand then, "I wish that didn't scare you so." He took a deep breath. "I can take you back to your mother's house. We can just put everything in the refrigerator and I can clean up tomorrow." "It . . . it would be late. I don't, I don't think either of us should be driving." "That's it, you're just dismissing . . . " "No! No, I'm not . . . I'm not." She turned from the look of defeat on his face. He didn't love her; he felt guilty about her, the Modell thing. That's all this was. She headed into the bedroom then without another word. He sat for a long time, staring at nothing. When the ice in his tea was completely melted he rose from the table. He though about throwing the meal in the garbage, but instead shoved both plates in the fridge and made his way to the couch. An interminable time later he heard the door open and felt her approach him. He didn't turn, didn't look away from the fire. She sat on the coffee table, facing him but not looking at him. "Mulder, you're not in love with me. We're both caught up - " "Scully." He turned to her finally. "Don't tell me what I feel. This didn't happen a couple of days ago. I've loved you for years. Hell, I'm not even sure anymore where I end and you begin. I'm used to you not feeling the same way. I live with that every day, but don't tell me how I feel." He rose then and moved toward the fire, leaning on the mantle, staring into the flames. He sighed deeply; this was not something they should have ever gotten into. "Damn it Scully, I feel like we're two halves of one - " "Stop it! Just . . . just stop it." He fell silent again; she was in no shape to hear it. Then suddenly she was charging him, her fists pounding on his chest where he'd turned when he heard her approach. He was too stunned to attempt to defend himself, just allowing the assault. He deserved it anyway. Just as suddenly she was sobbing against his chest. His arms went around her, supporting her. She couldn't gain any control, so after a moment he slipped an arm under her knees and carried her to the sofa. After a short hesitation he seated himself and held her in his lap. He wasn't sure she noticed. When she could get her breath, he handed her some tissues but didn't release her. "This is insane." "Scully, I'm Spooky Mulder. No one's ever accused me of sanity." She looked at him a moment, then away. "I don't want you to love me Mulder. I can't, I can't handle it. Mulder, I've never been in love, I don't know - " He kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I even brought this up. Now isn't the time. The talking about our monsters, holding you in my arms last night." Scully pulled away slightly then. "Sorry. Just try to relax." To his relief she did. They sat watching the fire in silence. He'd been wrong to reveal so much. It had just slipped out. This was the very reason he didn't spend much off-duty time with her. He could put it aside during the day, at work, on a case. But when it just the two of them he remembered she was a woman. She seemed more in a trance than resting or sleeping. He just sat there, not willing to disturb the peacefulness of this time together. He must have drifted off himself because the jerking of her body away from him woke him. "What? What's wrong?" "You have no right to grope me!" What? Oh shit, he'd been asleep. With her in his arms, what had he done? His face must have shown his confusion. "So what," She snapped at him. "You want to just go in the bedroom and do it?" She was on her feet now, away from him. He sat up then, facing her. "The short answer - yes." Her eyes widened. "Yes, I want to take you in there and make love to you until you scream. I want to feel you around me and under me and over me and beside me. I want to look at you and touch you and taste you." He closed his eyes then to block out the sight of her shock. He let his head fall back against the couch. "Damn it." "You're . . . you're serious." He didn't open his eyes. "The eunuch in me is tired Scully. I'm tired of everyone we meet on the street or on a case assuming we're a couple. Then I have to explain we're not together. And I hate it. It sticks in my throat now. It gets worse every time." "Mulder, look at me." He sighed and opened his eyes. She cringed inwardly at the look of defeat in his eyes. "I . . . I believe you." "What does that mean?" "It means you . . . you love me. It's not just . . . just what we've been through together." That didn't relieve his tension. "Mulder?" "You believe me, that I love you." That didn't seem to make him happy. What else should she say? "That's it? You believe me?" He looked away and she seemed to shrink from him. "Fine, good. Why don't you go on to bed Scully?" She moved away from him and he tried to hide the flinch. Instead of leaving the room she sat on the far end of the couch, whether to be closer to the fire or just to be farther from him, he wasn't sure. "Have you ever been in love before?" She asked quietly. "What? No, not like this." "What about Phoebe, Diana?" "I've been in lust a few times, yeah. But not in love." She looked away from him at those words. "I haven't Mulder. I guess I thought I was a couple of times. But it . . . with Alan things just blew up, literally." Alan? Who the hell was he and why had she never mentioned him? No, not now, she was still talking. "With Jack, it just kind of faded away. People get hurt, people that aren't even involved can . . . I don't believe in being in love anymore, for me anyway." "Who hurt you this much Scully? Why haven't you ever told me any of this?" "No one hurt me Mulder. I just don't think I have it in me to . . . to love, to love a man the way they should be loved. I don't want to hurt you by being less than - " "Bullshit. You are the most loving, compassionate woman I know. You can't love me. You don't want me to love you. I scare you to death. Fine, I'll keep my distance. I won't push you. I guess you're not the first person I've frightened out of my life. But don't try to spare my feelings with this, this drivel." He shoved himself up from the couch then and grabbed his jacket. "Where, where are you going?" "For a walk." "Don't. Mulder don't leave, not now." He turned to look at her, not bothering to put the jacket down. "I really need some space right now Scully." She didn't speak again as she watched him leave the cabin. She sat numb until she realized she was beginning to tremble. She couldn't love him, she couldn't! She would only be hurt again, he was her friend, she could count on him and she didn't have to reveal too much. What haven't you already revealed to that man? The thought came from nowhere. Well? What doesn't he know about you? He's seen you after chemo, he held you when your daughter died, he tracked you down in the antarctic and pulled you naked from some insane machine. He didn't even care that you had these lunatic ideas about demons. You do love him you stupid fool. You just didn't recognize it because . . . because this time he loves you too. Not like Alan, not like Jack, he really does care about you. It's not just sex - that should be damned obvious after all this time. Tonight was the first time he'd ever mentioned sex to her. That caused the trembling to increase. He wanted her. He wanted her as a woman. As damaged as she was and he wanted her? He's damaged too. Where the hell were these thoughts coming from? Yes, he was damaged but it was different with him. How? She picked up the ashtray from the coffee table at that and hurled it toward the fireplace. The sound of the glass falling to the hearth left her cold. She didn't deserve a man like Mulder. A man who didn't judge her, just accepting her with all of her baggage. Hell, a man who took the blame for so much of her baggage. He loved her. He wanted her. And she had let him just walk out! She had chased him away. How angry was he? Where was he? She was on her feet now, where was he? She was out the door, she had to find him. It was dark and she wasn't familiar with the area. It didn't matter, he was out here and she had to find him. She stumbled again. Why hadn't she thought to grab a flashlight? She was near the lake now; there was a trail here somewhere. Where was that tree, the one they had carved on? It shouldn't be too far. The noise made her pause. What was it? Was someone else out here with Mulder? "Is that you girly girl?" She froze, Pfaster? No, he was dead. She had killed him. She had killed him, but had she killed the evil? The demon? Dana, come on. That was . . . the man was dead. He was not out here in the woods. Mulder isn't in danger from some . . . some, oh god! She was running now, tripping and stumbling. Where was he? Where was Mulder? There! The tree, wasn't that the tree with 'butt munch' carved into it? "Mulder!" Something stirred, then moved at the base of the tree. She stopped, it wasn't Pfaster. Pfaster was dead. She watched the figure rise unable to move. "Scully?" She thought her knees would give way for a second, then she threw herself into his arms. "I love you. Mulder, I love you." He held her as she continued to shake. "What happened? You . . . are you okay?" She shook her head. "No. I'm scared to death." "Scully, what?" His grip on her tightened. "I love you and that scares me. I don't know if I can . . . Mulder, what happens now?" "I, I don't know. Let's get you inside, you're freezing." He took off his jacket and draped it around her shoulders. "Come on." She didn't speak on the way back; her teeth were shattering too much even if she had known what to say. He kept his arm firmly around her and led her to the hearth, sitting her on the stone and taking over the task of warming her. "Mulder, I meant what I said." "Scully - " "No. When you walked out, I realized it was too late. I couldn't hide from it any more. I didn't want it and I don't know how to handle it, but there it is. I'm in love with you. I'll probably make a mess of it." "I don't see how you could make a bigger mess of it than I have, Scully." She smiled at him then, but it faded, "When I was out looking for you, I heard him. I heard Donnie's voice. I thought he might be out there, after you." He pulled her into his lap then. "And you came to help me anyway, even though he's your worst monster. See why I love you?" She sighed and sank into his embrace. She had a lot to learn, about this man, about loving, about accepting him in areas that had always been off limits. Thank goodness it was Mulder she was going to be learning on. She looked up at him and after a tiny hesitation pulled his lips down to her. She could see the surprise on his face for an instant before her eyes closed. His lips took possession of her then and she felt his tongue, seeking admittance. She granted it gladly. Yes, this man could teach her a lot. - fin