From: CaptJenga@aol.com Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 22:28:15 EST Subject: submission Source: direct Title: Out Loud Author: Jenga E-Mail: CaptJenga@aol.com Rating: PG Classification: MSR Size: 10K Spoilers: Fight the Future Keywords: Mulder/Scully angst Summary: Mulder breaks down the wall Scully has put up between then. Disclaimer: ::sigh:: They're not mine. What else needs to be said? Author's Notes: Warning! Any non-shippers, turn back now or forever hold your peace. It's your basic romance; I don't even pretend to have a n X-Files plot in here. Just something to make you smile. (I hope!) * * * Crossing the Line J. Edgar Hoover Building Washington, DC 5:07pm She'd done it again. He and Scully had been forced to attend a seminar on "How to Minimize Expenses" and so had spent the day cooped up in a stuffy conference room, listening to some paperpusher drone on about the wonders of discounts. (Mulder was still trying to figure out exactly what Skinne r was punishing them for; he couldn't remember misbehaving any worse that usual in the last few months) They were finally dismissed from the meeting fro m hell, and slowly began to shuffle out of the room. He'd fallen into his customary position behind Scully, his hand moving to guide her by the sm all of her back. And she'd stepped away. Not a noticeable distance, but just enough that she was just out of reach. And she had kept her distance, dancing just beyond his fingertips the entire way to the parking lot. Mulder watched her reach into her briefcase as they approached the car, locating her keys with surprising efficiency given the size of the b ag. Unlocking her doors, Scully set the briefcase on the backseat and was jus t about to climb into the driver's seat when Mulder called out of from his car. "Hey Scully, want me to grab Chinese and a movie? I'll even make it a movie from my own private collection," he added with a leer, hoping to ea rn a rare smile from her, or at least an exasperated sigh. But instead he got no response. "Thank Mulder, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. I'll have to take a raincheck." With a tight apologet ic smile, she got in her car and smoothly back out, leaving a confused Mulder behin d. * * * 6:59pm Scully stared into her fireplace, her dinner untouched and her wine all but forgotten. She hadn't missed the momentary look of hurt that had cro ssed Mulder's face when she had turned down his dinner offer. She was also aware that her behavior in the conference room hadn't gone unnoticed. It had actually been going on for a long time. She'd been avoiding his touch si nce . . . She sighed heavily and closed her eyes, attempting to push away those final moments before the bee stung her. She truly didn't know if that in sect had been a curse or a blessing. She had nearly died in Anarctica and had only survived because Mulder had come after her, but it had also prevented her from making one of the biggest mistakes of her life. * * * 7:03pm Mulder stared at the television, trying to lose himself in the sci-fi marathon on cable. They were showing a rerun of the original Star Trek, and he watched, his forced interest becoming real as the episode progressed. Captain Kirk had just discovered that the fate of the world quite literal ly hung on his shoulders, knowing that he would have to allow the women he loved to die to preserve the future of humanity. Mulder flinched as the sound of a truck's tires destroyed the universe of one man while preserving the universe of countless others. he realized with sudden passion, grabbing his keys and leaving his apartment almost before he knew it. Captain Kirk may have had no cho ice in letting the woman he loved slip away, but Mulder did. And he was not going to let her go so easily. * * * A sharp knowing at the door drew Scully's attention away from the fire. She slowly moved to open it, hoping in vain that it would be a nei ghbor or lost repairman. She sighed heavily as she peered through the peephole to find an agitated and all-too-familiar figure standing outside. Reluctant ly unlocking and opening the door, she remained still as he brushed by her. "Mulder, what are you doing here?" She let the exhaustion of the day seep into her voice, hoping that he'd let whatever had prompted him to co me over in the first place go when he saw how tired she was. She realized t he improbability of that, though, upon assessing his condition and the emoti ons flashing through his eyes. "Scully, we need to talk." She opened her mouth to speak only to be cut off before she could say a word. "We've been avoiding this conversat ion for months, and we're not going to do it again now." "Mulder-" He shook his head, interrupting her with a passion that startled even himself. "No, Scully. I want to know why you move away from my touch. Why you don't even crack a smile at my inappropriate remarks. You never laughed, but dammit, you don't even roll your eyes at me now. I get noth ing, Scully! And you never used to move away when I touched you." He took a step closer, but she refused to give up any ground to him, meeting his bl azing eyes straight on. "You used to let me guide you into a room. There were times when I though you may have even wanted that. But now you shy away.= Even when we went undercover, when we were acting as man and wife, and you barely tolerated being near me. Why, Scully? Why won't you let me g et close to you?" Scully shifted her eyes to the wall behind him for a moment. How was she supposed to answer that? And so Dana Scully looked him directly in the eye and said the words Mulder least expected to hear at that moment. "I'm scared." * * * He was at a loss for words as her voice broke, and tightly controlled tears slowly began gathering in her eyes. "What?" he whispered. His heart broke as he began to understand what she was saying. "You're scared . . . of me?" But she shook her head, furthering his confusion. "I'm not afraid of you," she replied softly. "But I am afraid of Them." He stared at her, his mind spinning. "Scully, what do They have to do with this?" "Everything!" she snapped angrily, surprising him with the venom in her voice. She stepped away from him, needing her own space to think. "Mulder, we make one wrong move and the X-Files are gone! It's happened once and it can happen again. We can't risk it." "Scully, what are you talking about?" he blurted out, his inability to comprehend fueling his frustration. "I'm talking about us! About why yo u won't let me near you, physically or emotionally. You've put up some wal l between us, and I can't break through!" She stared at him, her penetrating gaze seemed to look into a part of his soul he'd locked away long ago, vowing never to see the light again. She took a moment to collect herself, and he saw the toll this conversation was ta king on her still without understanding why. "Mulder, look at how they've used us against each other in the past. My abduction," she spat bitterly, finally using the word she'd fought so hard against. "My cancer. The virus in Anarctica. The bounty hunter who loo ked like you. We have to keep this distance between us, or They'll do it aga in! They nearly killed you when I was the one dying of cancer! You came afte r me in Anarctica and we barely survived. Mulder, what about Samantha? What about the truth? We can't risk the X-Files. We have to make Them believe that even if one of us dies that the other will continue-" "Bullshit!" Mulder interrupted angrily. "That's bullshit, Scully. We both know that we need each other. How can we make them believe it if we know it's a lie? Believe the lie? You know we can't beat them at Their own game." He stepped forward, invading her personal space completely. "They've taken everything else away from us! Everything! You are all I have left, Scully. And now They've taken you away from me too." "Mulder, no-" "Scully, this is one truth that even They can't cover up." His voice dropped to a hoarse whisper but did nothing to dampen his fury. "What do es it matter if we acknowledge it or not? They know the truth, Scully. The y know that I'm nothing without you. So what does it matter if we say the words? They know that I'll still go to the ends of the earth for you. T hey know that you'll be there to save to my sorry ass until it's over. Don't let Them take this away, Scully. Please. I told you before that damn bee in fected you that I couldn't do this without you. I can't. But I also can't live watching you back away from me, withdrawing from me so completely that you're barely even there." He was pleading with her so beseechingly that she felt her control shattering even as she closed the distance between them. Strong arms encircled her, protected her as tears rained down on his chest. She felt his own tears in her hair, his cheek resting by her temple as he let the floo dgates open, exposing himself to her like he never had before. She stood in the safety of his embrace, realizing that he was right-if They took this away from them, then They truly had won. He gently kissed her forehead, tenderly running his hand through her hair. "Scully, I love you." She heard the words, barely more than a sigh as his lips grazed her skin, then felt him stiffen in her embrace as he realized that he had jus t stepped over the line that they had silently agreed never to cross. She pushed h im away just enough to look directly into his eyes, a smile of pure contentm ent on her face as she kissed him softly. "I love you too, Mulder." He smiled and pulled her close again. "Scully?" he murmured, his voice muffled by her hair. "Does this mean that we can get Chinese tonig ht?" She chuckled, closing her eyes to lean against his chest, "Only if you bring a movie from your special collection." Some lines were meant to be crossed. * * * I hope you enjoyed. Feedback please! CaptJenga@aol.com