From: sadriende@aol.com (Sadriende) Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative Subject: REFORMATTED: Over the Rainbow (1/1) [REPOST] Date: 17 Feb 1996 18:51:28 -0500 I know, I know, I posted this last night, but, y'see, the gov't learned I knew about their conspiracy and decided to mess up the margins on Amy's story. But they've been "taken care of". So, read it, enjoy it, and send Amy lots of mail 'cause it's really good. Thank you. We now return you to your disclaimer already in progress (from last night!:) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello, there. I posted this story about a week and a half ago, but it never got thru. So, I reposted, but that never got thru, either. So, now, as a last resort, I've asked Molly to post this for me, and I'm hoping it will make it out this time. This story was written soon after I heard, what I know now to be, an unfounded rumor: A girlfriend for Mulder. So, it was written before SYZYGY, and after the WoTC. DISCLAIMER: The people in here don't belong to me. If they did, Scully would have most likely strangled the idiotic and annoying Det. White, and she would have definitely punched Bambi. :) They are the property of He Who Sometimes Makes Me Mad - CC, and 1013, and FOX. THANKS: Go to Melissa and Molly for their helpful comments and advice. And thanks to Molly for posting this for me! CREDIT: The song "Over the Rainbow" was written by H. Arlen (I actually looked it up:), and is probably owned by Paramount. NOTE: This story is a romance, so if that's not your thing, I'd stop reading now. MAIL: Write to me! I love mail and I always answer it! Please! You can reach me at: risamy@epix.net Please address all comments there, and not to Molly. Thanks. Now, on with the show.... _______________________________________________________ Over the Rainbow by Amy Schatz February 8, 1996 Scully's apartment 9:21 pm It had been a long day, and she had just wanted to come home and collapse. Mulder hadn't acknowledged that she had left, and she hadn't said goodbye. She had opened the door to her apartment, dropped her briefcase and coat on the floor, and fallen down onto the couch. Recently, the cases had been long and consuming, and even darker than usual. After what had happened in New Mexico, and after Melissa died, she hadn't been sure if she would ever be able to go back to the FBI. But then she and Mulder had been reinstated, and things had gone on as they always did. No, that was a lie. Things did not go on as usual - for either of them. Mulder spent a lot of his time silent, and she knew that he was trying to understand the man his father had been, and how his father could have made such a choice. And Scully had been lost in a terrible sea of grief over Melissa. Not a day went by that she didn't think that it was her fault - that she should be dead, instead of Melissa. And things between she and Mulder were not the same. Their relationship was different -- strained. She felt distanced from Mulder, and he had been particularly cold to her these past few months. As she lay on her couch, much like Mulder often did, she couldn't help but feel as though she were losing something - but she didn't even know what that something was, so how could she stop it from slipping away? There was an overwhelming sense of dread that held her heart in a vise-like grip, and she felt like it was suffocating her - pulling the life from her. She realized that this sense of impending doom had started with the case involving Lucy Householder. God, how many times had she berated herself for acting as she had? She should have stood by him. She shouldn't have told him that he was just seeing Samantha everywhere, and not cared about his feelings. He was so driven and obsessed that she sometimes forgot that he had feelings. And why hadn't she been able to follow him as she always had? What had made her cling, to what even to her, was the ridiculous claim that Lucy was somehow involved? She hadn't known then. But she knew now. Then there was the case with the Japanese scientists and all their horrendous experiments. And her memory had started to come back stronger. She could remember more, and what she did remember, scared her to death. Scully had wanted to talk to Mulder about it - to have him comfort her. But when she had told Mulder about the MUFON women in Allentown, he had brushed her off, as if it didn't matter. That had truly stunned her. She had just told him that she could, conceivably, be dying of some unknown strain of cancer, and he had said the equivalent of, "Yeah? So what?" Beyond being stunned, it had hurt her badly. She had thought that he cared about her, but apparently she had been wrong. It was unbelievable to her that he could be so gentle and tender with someone else who claimed to be abducted, or who had been mistreated - someone like Lucy Householder - but he couldn't be that way with her. For some reason, he didn't seem to care about what happened to her. And so, he had turned back to the pictures of the Nazi scientists, and hadn't mentioned her abduction again. Why had he done that? She hadn't known then, but she did now. For a long while, Scully had felt as though she and Mulder weren't the same team as they had been for the past two and a half years. Mulder no longer seemed to want her with him. And that caused an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach - how it feels like when a rollercoaster flies down theother side of a hill. And the case in Comity had seemed to prove her right. Mulder had constantly berated her, and humiliated her in front of others - and especially in front of Detective White. And she had wanted to strangle Detective White from minute one. But what had hurt most about that case was that Mulder had acted like she wasn't even her partner. By now, they knew that the strange planetary alignment had affected them, causing them to act so horribly, but their cruel words to each other still made her heart ache. She knew why their relationship was in the state it was, and she knew why both of them were so cold and distant. They didn't try anymore. They didn't care anymore. And worst of all, she felt like they didn't want to anymore. It was too hard, and far too painful. They had accepted defeat. * * * Sometime later, Scully walked out of her bathroom, hair wet, a robe pulled tightly about her. She stood in the middle of her living room, looking at her dark apartment, and suddenly, she couldn't stand it anymore. This lonely, saddening downfall was so oppressive, she feared she would scream. Scully walked over to her stereo and pulled out a CD she had a long time. It was the soundtrack to *The Wizard of Oz*. Melissa had given it to her. she thought. Scully smiled ruefully and slipped the CD into the player. Selecting the one song that always made her feel better, she pressed play, and waited. The first notes of the song rang out, and she smiled. This would make her feel better. It always did in the past. It would work. Scully sagged down into an armchair, and closed her eyes, trying to envision the land that the song described. She wondered if there was such a place for her. Would she ever have what she wanted? Would she ever be truly happy? It seemed that life had treated her very unfairly. It had taken her father and sister away far too soon, had taken months of her life, and it had nearly taken Mulder from her more times than she cared to count. If that had happened, she knew she wouldn't have been able to go on - not for long, anyway. He was too important to her - too much a vital part of her life - for her to be happy without him. And now it seemed as though she was waiting for the other shoe to falI. Waiting for that one case that would drive the wedge in all the way, and destroy the bond she had thought they would always have. If only she could tell him how she really felt... But how could she tell him such a deep, dark secret, when he obviously found it hard to be in the same room with her? She wondered again how their relationship had gotten to this. What had she done to make him feel this way towards her? He had never treated her this way before. He had always accepted her skepticism as part of her nature, which it was. But now it seemed as though he felt that she was only using it to hurt or disrespect him. Didn't he know that she respected him more than anyone? Even if she didn't always agree with him, she would always believe in him, and stand by his side. But recently, she hadn't been doing that. Why? If only it were that simple. She desperately wished that she could just make things right between them, make him need her again. If only she could dream of happiness and love and it would magically appear. If only she could make Mulder love her. But he didn't, she knew. How could he? During that case with the cockroaches he had made that perfectly clear to her. He had been interested in Bambi. He would have pursued her if she hadn't walked off with that doctor. Maybe he even called her afterwards. She stopped thinking about that - it hurt her far too much. It hurt to know that after all she and Mulder and been through, after all she had done for him, after all the times she had risked her life for his, he would still choose some stranger over her. Even if lately, she hadn't been acting quite the same, how could he forget so quickly? What did Bambi have that she didn't? She wasn't even counting beauty, because she thought she could never compete in that arena. But didn't intelligence count to him? Didn't loyalty, and trust and friendship and sacrifice? Didn't it count that, in a heartbeat, she would give her life to save his, without hesitation? Didn't it count that she had given him her heart long ago? Apparently, to Fox Mulder, those things didn't. It was painfully obvious that all he wanted was a flashy smile, lots of curves, and someone that would never question his actions. But what he didn't realize was that, in such a trade-off, he would get someone who never really knew him, never really cared about him. Would she ever get beyond the clouds? Would her life ever not be an endless stream of rainy days? She wanted to stop feeling this way, but she didn't know how. Scully just wanted to be happy to go into work - to know that when she got there, Mulder would be glad to see her. These days he sometimes didn't even say hello to her. He acted as if she didn't exist, and it was killing her inside. Would she ever not feel a stabbing pain when she thought of Melissa? How could she ever forgive herself for Melissa's death? It had been her fault, and now Melissa probably never knew that Scully would have died for her. Would she ever get over the fact that Mulder simply didn't care for her, didn't want her, didn't love her? She didn't think so. Oh, if only she could fly away and forget this misery and sadness. She would give anything to do that. Maybe if she flew away for a while, things would be better when she returned. Maybe Mulder would miss her, would worry about her. And he would want to talk to her, and make things right between them. Perhaps her absence would make him realize that she really *did* care about him, did believe in him, would do anything for him. She would just soar above the clouds and leave this place, only taking her memories of Mulder with her. And of course, she would always have her love for him. Or would she return to find that Mulder had found someone new, and had forgotten about her? That he had been happy to see her go, had been relieved that he had finally driven her away. This thought actually made Scully ill, and for a moment, she thought she would vomit. She knew why she couldn't. Life had decided to let her go on alone, without happiness and the love of the only man she wanted. She couldn't because she didn't deserve it. She was destined to spend the rest of her life in a cold, dark autopsy bay, never feeling the warmth of the sun on her face, or the warmth of a requited love. And Mulder would go on without her, and he would be happier - she knew that now. She suddenly wondered how he could have put up with her for this long, if he truly didn't like her. She also wondered if he had always looked at her coldly, as he did these days, and she had just now noticed it. It had gotten so bad that they weren't working well together. They couldn't even discuss slides without getting into a meaningless argument that only served to add salt to their already open wounds. When had everything gone so wrong? She realized too late that it wasn't working. The song that before, had reinforced her determination and courage, was now a cynical narrator listing her failures. She slipped from the chair onto the floor, sobs racking her body. * * * Scully's apartment 1:05 am Mulder had been worried about Scully all day, and long into the night. She had been acting strangely all day - as if a sudden discovery had hit her. He had gone home to try and rest, not wanting to have to go through another confrontation with her, but, as he had lain on his old couch, the blue light of the TV on his face, his thoughts had been consumed with her. He remembered that she had looked particularly pale today, as if something awful had happened. She had been acting like someone had died. He knew that, lately, they hadn't been as close as always, but surely she would tell him if something was really wrong? So, since he had been unable to stop thinking about her, he now found himself standing in front of her door, not really knowing what he was going to do. He thought about knocking, but it was late, and he didn't want to wake her if she was sleeping. Taking his key out, he slipped it into the lock, and quietly slid the door open. For a few seconds he couldn't see very well, because it was so dark in the apartment. He thought that she was probably in her bedroom. He heard the song, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" playing faintly in the background, and as he listened, his gaze came to rest on the floor. What he then saw brought his whole world crumbling down. * * * He went to her, and gently pushed the hair away from her beautiful face. And he realized that she had fallen asleep. He was almost ready to calm down, when he noticed the dried tears that marked her cheeks. She had been crying. She had cried herself to sleep. Mulder was so shocked by this revelation that he couldn't speak - he could barely breathe. What had caused her to cry herself to sleep on her living room floor? And then the answer came to him. It was his fault. He didn't know how or why, but he knew that the state she was now in, was because of him. He knew that their relationship hadn't been the same lately. But truthfully, he hadn't thought about it because he had been thinking about other things. He had also taken their relationship for granted. Mulder figured that no matter how bad it got between them, it would always be there. Even after the case in Comity, he figured that nothing had been done that could be undone - that couldn't be fixed. Mulder had been asking himself how his father could have done the things he did. How he could have traded away one of his children. Mulder, the gentle and sensitive person he was, simply couldn't fathom doing such a thing. And of course, Samantha was always there, in the back of his head. Her presence was almost tangible. He had suddenly realized that he had built his whole life around finding her, giving no thought to what such a sacrifice did to the people around him. All Mulder knew was that it hurt for Samantha to be gone. He didn't realize that when he closed himself off, he hurt Scully more, than if he would tell her that he needed space. But the thoughts that had caused the most damage in their relationship, were those he had of Scully, because they were truly the most painful. He had been thinking that he would have to go through the rest of his life alone. He knew that sooner or later, Scully would leave him. She would have to. Either *they* would take her from him, or she would leave of her own accord. He knew it would be one or the other. Maybe both. Maybe they would somehow turn her against him. Mulder couldn't think about that for long. Yes, recently, they had been distant from each other - even unfriendly. But he knew why it was happening. Scully had tired of the X-Files, and had given up on trying to convert him to a skeptic. She had realized that there was nothing more she could do. She was destined to stay with the X-Files forever, and she would go no further in the FBI. She would never have a husband or family, because those things simply didn't fit into a life with the X-Files. So, he had tried to push her away, hoping to make her think he didn't want her with him anymore. Hoping that she would leave, and have a better life. But also, Scully's recent behavior had been hurtful to him. She had been acting like she didn't care about the X-Files anymore - about finding the truth. Even if she was a skeptic, she had always been interested in finding out the reality behind the cases they investigated. But now she acted like she didn't care about him anymore. Mulder had always accepted her skepticism, and had even enjoyed challenging it, bantering things back and forth. But in their later cases, the bantering hadn't been there, only cold arguing. And he knew that she would never feel for him, what he felt for her. He had realized that long ago. That's why he had tried so hard with Bambi. He had tried to move on, to forget about Scully. It hadn't worked. He could never love anyone except Scully, and she could never love him. He knew this to be true. Mulder had come to this conclusion, and he had accepted it. He had accepted defeat. * * * Mulder sighed with loneliness, and turned Scully over onto her back. Then, being ever so gentle, he gathered her in his arms, rose, and carried her down the hall to her bedroom. The room was bathed in darkness, and for Mulder, sadness. Sadness because he would never carry Scully into this room, lay her on the bed, as he did now, and pull her close to him. Sadness, because he would never wake in this room, with Scully in his arms. Sadness, because she would never put her arms around him, and whisper that she loved him. He was about to pull the comforter over her, when she stirred, opened her eyes halfway, and stretched her arms out to him. "Fox..." Mulder's heart leapt to his throat. The sound of her saying his name was almost too much to take. It brought all sorts of emotions to the surface. "Shh....Scully...go back to sleep," he said, touching her cheek gently. How he wanted to do more than that, but he couldn't. She didn't want it. He did wonder why she had called out his first name, though. But she caught his hand in hers. He couldn't tell if she was asleep or awake, or somewhere in between. It was probably the latter, as her eyes were heavily lidded and her speech slightly slurred. "...Fox...stay..." He wanted to. God knew he wanted to do just that - to take her in his arms and never let go, but he couldn't. She wasn't awake, and she didn't know what she was saying. She was probably dreaming. This thought caused his heart to start fluttering. Was she dreaming about him? Was this the first time, or did she call out his name on other nights? He desperately wanted to know the answers to those questions. If he thought... If she just gave the smallest bit of encouragement, he would have enough courage to take the next step. He decided to try and find out. He allowed Scully to pull him down to a sitting position on the bed. Looking at her in the half darkness of her bedroom, he thought he had never seen anyone so beautiful. Even on the day they had first met, he had thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And for a while, that beauty had deceived him, and anyone else who met Scully. He had made the mistake of assuming that anyone so beautiful could be easily manipulated, with just the right complement or jibe placed here and there. But, Scully had proved him wrong, mainly because she seemed not to realize that she was pretty. So, it never entered into any of her thoughts or decisions. That ignorance was a powerful weapon and made her a formidable enemy. "What is it, Scully?" he asked softly, wondering if she was still asleep. "I have...something...to tell you..." she mumbled. He leaned forward, his curiosity piqued. Should he wake her? *Was* she awake? He couldn't be sure. Her eyes were partly open, but she didn't seem to *see* him. "What?" She hesitated only slightly before speaking. In her dream world, she had her arms around him, and he was smiling at her. "I love you, Fox," she said, her voice filled with contentment and peace. Mulder's eyes widened and he felt his breath catch in his throat. He couldn't believe what she had just said. Only in his dreams did she ever say that to him, and here she was, dreaming about saying it to him. It seemed too incredible to be true. Just knowing that she loved him gave him more strength and courage than he knew he possessed. More strength to fight for what they had, because it could be so much more. Not to give up so easily, because it was suddenly harder than it had been. Seconds passed and stretched into moments, as he waited for her to say more. And then suddenly, she stirred, as if coming out of the depths of a powerful dream. Her eyes snapped fully open, and she gasped, startled at his presence. Pushing herself into a sitting position, she looked at him. "What are you doing here?" she asked, obviously disoriented. She couldn't seem to think of a reason why Mulder would be at her apartment. In the earlier days, she might have thought it was because he had been worried about her, and had wanted to see if she was all right. But the Mulder that he had become didn't even want to be in the same room with her, let alone care enough to come to her place to check on her. He looked away, afraid that if she could see his eyes, she would know what she had said. "I found you asleep on the living room floor, and I brought you to bed." She nodded, and offered a small, faint smile. She was just beginning to realize that he *had* come to check on her, and had found her asleep on the floor, having cried all the tears she had. Was there a chance that he did care? Could what they had be saved? She would fight for it, if she thought that he wanted it, too. Running a hand through her hair, she said, "I must have been dreaming." He smiled. Suddenly he felt as though a great weight had been lifted from his chest. She loved him, and that was all that mattered. Everything else would come in time. "You were. I was about to leave when you called my name." Her eyes widened, and a new and different fear clutched at her heart. She knew full well that she dreamed about him, and more often than not, the dreams were vivid and very real. Had she said something that would drive him completely away? Oh God, she hadn't said...? "I said 'Mulder'?" She gulped, hoping that that was all she had said. As they were talking, the images of the dream were coming back to her, and it was apparent that not much talking had occurred. "No, you said 'Fox.'" Her eyes widened. She had to know. "What else did I say?" Mulder looked at her for a long time, considering what to say. Now that he knew the truth, he wasn't afraid to wait, or to go on. He knew that everything would be all right now. But, he also felt that they weren't quite ready to act upon Scully's admission, or his own feelings. They needed a little more time to heal, and to put recent events into perspective. And they needed to fix their platonic relationship before they could even begin to ponder a romantic one. They would have to talk, and find out where things had gone wrong. But soon, soon things would be different. Just a little while longer, and he knew that they would both be ready. So, for now, he told a small lie. "You didn't say anything else. You woke up, then." Scully exhaled in relief. Thank God. She remembered some of the dream, now, and some of the things that had been going through her mind during it. If he ever heard any of those things, she didn't know what she would do. "Thanks for taking care of me, Mulder," she said sincerely, pulling the covers up around her. Just knowing that he cared enough to look after her, warmed the cold desolate expanse her heart and soul had become. As long as she knew that he still wanted her with him, still needed him, she would stay. She would always stay. He nodded and got up from the bed. He was about to walk out of the room, when an impulse struck him. Turning swiftly back to her, he leaned down and kissed her lingeringly. Her surprise quickly wore off, and soon she responded to his advances. It was an electric sensation, and one that they had both been dreaming about for some time. But no amount of dreaming could have prepared them for the reality - and that reality was something they would never forget. After a few moments, he pulled away, and without another word, left her bedroom. Seconds later, Scully heard him close the door softly after him. Sinking back against her pillow, she put her fingers gently to her lips, and smiled. Maybe she had said more, after all. A line of the song floated through her mind, as she felt the vise release its death-grip on her heart. She smiled, knowing that, somehow, everything would be okay with them. They would make it back to that place they had somehow strayed from. She knew they would. And maybe they would travel on to the next level, together as always. * * * Outside Scully's door, Mulder leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. After a while, he smiled, remembering their kiss. Never before had a kiss felt like that to him. He remembered an old saying that said when you find the person you're meant to be with, you'll know. That single kiss had told him everything. But he had known it all anyway. Scully was the person he wanted to spend his life with, and he knew now, with that kiss, that she felt the same. Their recent troubles meant nothing as long as she loved him. If he knew that she wanted to stay with him, and would be there to keep him from falling, they could repair the damage that they had wrought upon each other. And then, when all was healed, he would tell her how he felt. He wanted her to have all the things she deserved: a family, someone to love her, someone to fall asleep and wake up with, someone to trust. He smiled again, and pushed away from the wall, walking down the hallway. Someday, she would have that dream. Someday, he would give it to her. ___________________________________ Then we'd go running on faith All of our dreams would come true And our world would be right When love comes over me and you *Running on Faith* --Eric Clapton