From: "Gina Walters" Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 16:38:47 -0400 Subject: STORYTITLE: Paranormal Analysis TITLE: Paranormal Analysis AUTHORS: Agent Em and Agent Jen CATEGORY: Mulder Torture, WARNING: This is all about HUMOR! Mulder may not seem like himself, but it works out in the end: Or does it? RATING: PG: there's nothing really bad in here, just a little violence. DISCLAIMER: These characters (sigh) don't belong to us. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 productions, Fox, and any other person who we left out. If they sue us, they won't get anything, cause we have no Money. Oh yeah, and the songs 'Love my Lips' and the Pirates who don't do anything' Belong to Veggie Tales, Big Idea Productions, as sung by Larry the Cucumber. Whoever the monkeys belong to, they get credit for the theme song. SPOILERS: None that we can think of, there is a small reference to Fight the Future. it takes place right after Drive, season 6 ARCHIVE: Go ahead, Make our day. FEEDBACK: Agent Em: (Jen doesn't't have e-mail) Please be easy on us, this is our first fanfic Waltersfam@Integrityonline10.com THANK YOUS: Big thanks to Em's MTA buds: Kat, and Dana. And of course Thanks to God, families and friends. SUMMARY: A case in New York leads the duo with Kersh to investigate the mysterious disappearances of students. What does the term "Monkey" Have to do with this. Read on!!! -Outside of the FBI Headquarters, Washington, DC- "Great son of a monkey!" Mulder clutched his hand, which was now throbbing as a result of slamming it in his car door. "Calm down Mulder. No sense in calling anyone a monkey" Scully looked at his sour expression with a bit of amusement. "Your fine, now let's get to Kersh's office already. We've already stood out here while you show a poor example of 'clean' cursing. And I wouldn't call 'monkey' clean. And I still can't believe you stopped at that gas station to buy lottery tickets." "Aw, Scully. I gotta break outta this joint, prison, that they call the FBI! Now I just know that KERSH is working with the Syndicate. That sorry-" Scully looked at her partner disproving, and cut him off mid-sentence. "Ah ah. Mulder, you know I don't want you cursing anymore!" Mulder launched into a melody of words, and then Scully gave him a slap on his bad hand. Mulder starting yelling. "Scuuuulleeee!" He moaned. "Why did you have to do that? I've learned my lesson." He violently flung his hands out, hitting the same one that had been subject to all the torture today against the car windshield. "Sorry son-" He stopped, and corrected himself. "Son of a monkey!" Scully sighed, and snatched his good hand and practically dragged into the building and up the stairs and then into the corridor to Kersh's office. FBI Headquarters AD Kersh's office "Okay, what do ya want you monkey?" Mulder exclaimed as he plopped down in a chair after kicking open Kersh's office door. "Where do you get off calling me a monkey!" Kersh shouted as Scully ran in. "Mulder!" Scully scolded. "Oh you're right, I'm sorry . . . you're more of a gorilla," Mulder smarted off at him. "Agent Mulder do want me to report you. Because . . ." shouted Kersh as he came around from his desk to snatch Mulder's FBI badge. "No sir, please," Scully pleaded as she held Kersh back. "Mulder didn't mean it. He's been having a bad day. He's not himself today. He . . ." Scully fumbled for words as Kersh still proceeded to get to Mulder. "He . . . drank some bad pond water," She couldn't believe she had just said that Kersh stood back, shocked at the excuse. "Really, well that certainly explains a thing or two," He sniped sarcastically. He went back behind his desk as Scully sighed in relief. "Well the reason I called you here is because I have a case for you. It seems a whole school of students are missing. It's in an urban part of New York. You have a meeting with the principal of the high school in a couple of hours. This is not an X-File Agent Mulder, I will not have you doing anything to indicate that." Mulder sprang up from his chair. "We'll get right on it . . . SIR," He said as he snatched the file from Kersh. "Come on Scully, let's get out of here!" Mulder said as he began to strut out the door. He glanced back at Kersh who was glaring at him and began to come out from behind the desk again. Mulder grabbed Scully's arm and dashed out of the office, dragging her with him. Airplane coach section, Somewhere in New York After they were settled in the coach section of a jet, Mulder pulled out his laptop and prepared to play a game of "Alien Invasion". He looked on the screen and saw PASSWORD blinking on the screen. "Oh yes, the password, which is . . ." Mulder said and frantically searched his mind for the password. "Which is . . . , which is . . . , which is . . . exactly what I can't remember!" "Mulder put that away," Scully said and stuffed his laptop back in his bag. "I don't want to hear those annoying alien sound effects," Just then an alien jumped up from the seats in front of them. Mulder let out a girlish scream and wildly ran down the aisles in panic. Meanwhile, Scully looked curiously at the 'alien' . She quickly grabbed the face and soon realized that the 'alien' was a mere kid in a mask. The kid smiled sheepishly and sat back down. Mulder, not realizing the mistake, was still in panic. In the process of running to the back of the aisle he tripped over the mask and flew right into a stewardess carrying two glasses of prune juice. Mulder's suit was now covered with horribly smelling, sour juice.. Mulder, trying to regain his self-respect slowly walked back to his seat. All the while people were making remarks to him about his wonderful scream and how he spilled his prune juice on himself. "You did a great job of getting that alien," Mulder complemented trying to win back Scully's respect at least. "Mulder, it wasn't an alien." "No Scully, I saw it. It was one of those gray ones, related to the black oil aliens we saw in Antarctica!" "Uh, Mulder, here's your alien" Scully held up the mask. "It was a joke. I guess that kid gets the Lone Gunmen's newsletter like you do." She couldn't help but start laughing. "But, I,. That, that, was, UGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!" Mulder moaned. He looked like a fool, but then he really didn't care at that point. So in his frustration he decided not to talk to Scully until this incident was out of her mind (yeah right, like that's gonna happen). Instead he put on his headphones, laid back, and indulged in the relaxing tunes of the 'Monkeys'. -One hour Later- "Oh here we come, walk'n down the street . . . " Mulder sang. "Just being . . . hey, hey, we're the Monkeys," "MULDER!" screamed Scully while shaking Mulder, who of which was asleep. Mulder's eyes shot open. "Mulder, you have been asleep and singing for the last hour," The fasten seatbelts sign was lit and the plane was approaching the landing pad. They got off the plane and waited in the lobby. Scully's cell phone rang as Mulder was making a fool of himself once again in the process of trying to retrieve their luggage. "Hello." Scully paused. "Okay, sir, you're where?...........Oh, I see............Evaluation, well, I don't know if Agent Mulder...........Yes sir, we'll wait." She hung up. Mulder had finally gotten the two bags out of the retrieval, and turned back to Scully. "Who was that?" "It was Kersh, he has to do something about a case evaluation, he's on his way, his plane's just a little late." Scully replied. Mulder groaned, and muttered. "Figures we'd get stuck with the gorilla." Kersh's plane didn't turn out to be a little late, more like extremely late because of it's delay. But when Kersh did arrive he spotted Mulder and Scully sitting in the lobby waiting for him. He sat down next to Mulder. Immediately after he did he heard the sound of someone cutting the cheese, and it was him. Mulder had put a whoopee cushion under his seat. Mulder bust out laughing, and very histarically. Everyone turned around and looked at him laughing and thought he was evil. "What a MONKEY you are!" Said Mulder and threw his head back laughing. "If I'm a monkey what does that make you?" Questioned Kersh, obviously angry and embarrassed. "A monkey's uncle, oh wait, agent. No, more like a gorilla's agent," Mulder chuckled "Well you're an alien loving freak!" Kersh shouted. Scully was getting worried. This argument was getting personal. "And . . . you have . . . a messy desk. That means you have a messy mind," "Really, then what does it mean if you have an empty desk!" Mulder came back. Mulder and Kersh sprang out of their chairs ready to kill. "You have codies!" "No I don't, you do," "No, you do," "You do," "You!" "You!" Scully jumped in the middle of then before anyone threw any punches. "Okay, sit down, both of you. Just . . . cool it," Scully screamed, not caring how much attention she was drawing. "Now we're all adults here . . . " "Objection!" Kersh screamed out. "Oh yeah, Kersh denies being an adult," Mulder teased. "Oh yeah and you are? You believe in aliens," Kersh insulted. "And you can talk? You're an annoying three year old trapped in and adults body," Mulder fired back at him. "There's an X-File for us. Why the FBI would let an overgrown three year old into it's headquarters, much less be an AD." "ALL RIGHT! That's enough. Now let's go," Scully screamed at the top of her lungs. It startled the two men. Mulder could tell she was angry. He knew she was thinking, 'I don't get paid enough for this. I went to school to become a doctor not a day care worker'. He felt kinda sheepish about that. So he and Kersh cautiously slipped by her to the car as she watched their every move. Scully drove to the school and Kersh and Mulder silently sat in the back. The whole way there no one said a word for fear of what Scully would do. The only thing said was from Mulder who said "You missed that exit." Huntington High School New York "So, you say all your students have disappeared." asked Mulder. "Why yes. That would be correct." answered the principal. Mulder looked at him weirdly for quite a number of seconds. Suddenly Mulder threw him against the wall. "Keep it short and sweet. A simple yes or no," "Mulder, the principal is your pal and if you hurt me I'd have to send you to detention," the principal scolded. Mulder stepped back, realizing that everyone was watching him. "Oh, oh yes of course. They make us do that," Mulder secretly pleaded for forgiveness. However the principle wasn't buying it. Mulder then slightly threw something out of his pocket. "Oh what is this on the floor? It's a one-hundred dollar bill," Mulder said and picked it up. "I'll just put it right here," Mulder said as he put the bill on the principal's desk. "Mulder, I don't think that Mr. Wilferd is that kind of man," Scully interrupted before Mulder could get in any more trouble. "I'm not, thank you very much. What kind of drugs are you on?" "Well, for your information, I'm not, you chimpanzee. Now, come on, we need a tour." Mulder shot back. The principal shifted uncomfortably, and gave in."Yes well, let me take you on a tour of our wonderful school," Mr. Wilferd offered. Scully gratefully refused "Oh sir, that really isn't necessary. I'm sure we can find-" Mulder cut her off. "Scully! An opportunity to slack off, let's go," Mulder whispered in her ear. He then turned back around. "We will go on your tour. Don't listen to the little red-head. She's crazy, she was dropped a lot as a baby," Mulder confirmed the principal. While on the tour Mulder secretly slipped away from the rest of the group. He figured that he'd find a lead better on his own. He assumed that the group would hold him back. So he went on his own tour of the school. If he did find a lead Scully would respect him for sure. He lurked around one hallway. He backed up slowly, slowly looking all around. Suddenly the lights went off. Mulder let off a five minute screech then realized that he had backed into the light switch. But his fear was not put to rest, he saw eyes peering out from the darkness. Mulder went to pull out his FBI badge put pulled out his driver license instead. He'd realized his mistake but hoped this person wouldn't notice. "Fox Mulder, FBI. Show yourself," Mulder yelled into the darkness, trying to sound confident. However he soon discovered it was a marching bang. And boy, did they ever need to practice! He noticed that they were all munching on bags and bags cheap candy. They threw him some but he just screamed. "Where are your other classmates!" they weren't listening to him. Mulder's screaming startled the squad of cheerleaders out of the bathroom. They were hiding out from the band because they're SO bad . . . and talking about Becky Sue's new nose. They were terribly bored, having known the truth of the whole matter. They were in their uniforms, and, much to their dismay, Mulder stumbled upon the group of girls Mulder, not being himself, decided he knew a bunch of cheers. "Don't worry girls, I know a bunch of cheers. I used to be on the cheerleading squad in highschool," Mulder said encouragingly. The girls just looked at each other then at Mulder weirdly. Mulder didn't get it at first. "Oh, I know what you're thinking . . . I admit it. This isn't my real nose," Then Mulder started doing his cheers. Soon he started getting really loud and crazy and soon the rest of the group found him (the cheerleaders had left long ago). Scully had figured Mulder wasn't himself, but the cheering into thin air really worried her. He was acting totally unlike his normal character, and that was really odd. He wanted the X-Files back, so had always done his best to at least try to respect Kersh. She wondered what was up, but soon realized Mulder had slipped away again. He felt the need to go exploring, just for a lead. After he explored every little place inside the school he decided to look outside for a lead. He went around to the back of the school where the parking lot was. Mulder was cautiously peering around the wall when suddenly, someone grabbed him from behind. It was four big, tough looking boys. One started punching him. "What the funky monkey!" Mulder yelled as he was punched for awhile. Then the rest of the boys started beating him up. This went on for about a half an hour. Then Mulder fell to the hard, cement, parking lot floor. He had two black eyes, and bruises. Most of his injuries were on his face. The boys ran off after completing the job. The whole group found him soon after that. "Mulder! Mulder how did this happen? Mulder can you hear me?" Scully cried as she knelt down beside him. "YES, I CAN HEAR YOU! Four kids did this." Mulder answered, annoyed. He stiffly sat up and rubbed his face. "Kids, there's no kids around here. Are you sure it was high school kids?" question Mr. Wilfred. "Yes I'm positive it was high school kids. I'm an FBI agent you know, I don't have trouble identifying people!" Mulder snapped at him. "Mulder, you have a gun a you know," Kersh insulted his intelligence. "Oh yeah. I forgot," Mulder said as the whole group sighed in disgust and rolled their eyes. While they were questioning why he was still in the FBI, a teacher walked up. "I saw what happened. It wasn't four kids, he was beating up himself. I was in the parking lot, walking to my car, when I saw this man madly punching himself. I would have stopped him but he looked dangerous," the teacher testified. Mulder shot strait up. "LIAR!" Mulder shouted. "Mulder, this does sound kind of . . . likely of you," Kersh admitted. Mulder rolled his eyes in boredom. "Is there a point?" "Okay Mulder, I'm going to strongly suggest psychological help," Kersh finished. WHAT!" Mulder exploded. He looked to Scully for back up or even to put in a good word on his case. "Mulder . . . ," Scully said agreeing with Kersh. Mulder could see he had no chance. He'd have to see a psychiatrist. "Okay, I'll do it but only for Scully," Mulder said and snatched the psychiatrist card that Kersh handed him. He scanned over the card. Dr. Eugene Clarence "We help you love yourself" Just call: 1-800-555-HUGS Hugs Psychiatric Clinic, Two hours later. "Um, hi. Is this Mr. . ." Mulder stuttered as he searched for his card to check the name. ". . . Clarence, Dr. Clarence's office." "Yes, you're in the right place and I'm Mr. Clarence," said the psychiatrist. He was writing while sitting in a big, burgundy, leather chair which was in front of a big couch which was also leather as well (but it was black). Dr. Clarence had brown hair which was parted on the left side of his head. He wore thick framed glasses. He had on a light brown sweater with a brown ,plaid, dress shirt under it. "Yeah, well, I'm your three o'clock appointment," Mulder said trying to keep the showing of his annoyance to a sudtle level. "Well sit down and tell me . . . what was your childhood like ah . . . Fox," asked Dr. Clarence gesturing for Mulder to sit down. "Don't you want to know why I'm here?" Asked Mulder, feeling more intelligent. "Not really. Childhood, thirty minutes, on a schedule here," influenced the psychiatrist annoyingly tapping his pen on his clipboard to show his hurry. Mulder laid down. "I love my lips!" He proclaimed "Uh huh, well tell me more." The doctor didn't look very amused. "On the day I turned two I left my lips out in the cold. They turned blue, what could I do?" He was singing, as if he had said this before. "The day after I got my tooth I had to kiss my great aunt Ruth. She had a beard, and it felt weird. And on the day I turned eight I got my lips shut in a gate. My friends all laughed. And then-" "Mulder, you do know this is a thirty minute session," asked Dr. Clarence, worried. Thirty minutes later Scully opened the office door to pick up Mulder. He was dancing around the room and singing. "Weeeeellllll, I've never plucked a roaster and I'm too good at Ping-Pong and I've never throw my mashed potatoes up against the wall. And I never kissed a chipmunk and I've never gotten head lice and I've never been to Boston in the fall. I'm the pirate who doesn't do anything. I just stay home and lie around. And if you ask me to do anything I just tell you . . . I don't do anything." Scully stomped over to Dr. Clarence who was taking some aspirin. "Did you drug him!" She angrily whispered. "No, one minute he was talking about his lips next he's singing about pirates," Dr. Clarence whispered back defensively. Scully grabbed Mulder's arm and dragged him out of the office, very embarrassed. Later They met back with Kersh. Scully needed to check back with The Principal to confirm a later meeting. She hurriedly dialed up the number. " Um, Principal W-...............Yes we-" She was suddenly cut off by the dial tone"Hello, HELLO!" She turned back to Mulder and Kersh. " My phone must have gone out of service." They all went to go look for someone with a phone. They soon saw a golf court and their spirits rose. "Hey, someone golfing must have a phone we can use," Mulder said enthusiastically. All of a sudden, they all were kidnapped by a group of golf pros who were desperate for caddies. They made Mulder, Scully, and Kersh dress in tacky plaid golf pants and V-neck sweaters and carry their heavy iron clubs around the court. Just as Mulder was preparing to dive into pond to retrieve a ball, Scully and Kersh began attacking the golf pros with the golf clubs. They began a fierce battle on the golf court. Pedestrians would stare for a number of seconds. Mulder decided to hide behind the golf cart. Finally the golf pros surrendered and drove away on their golf cart. They all gathered in the middle of the court feeling very victorious. "Wait we still don't have a phone," Scully reminded. They started off again when Scully noticed that Mulder wasn't with them. "Mulder stop drinking the pond water and get over here!" High School Two Hours later "We have nothing! No leads!" Mulder wined while walking up the school steps (Kersh said he'd meet them there). "Mulder, that's because you keep opening your big mouth. You say whatever is on your mind whenever you feel like it," Scully replied "Oh and who's fault is that!" Mulder answered, trying take the blame off him. "I say we drop this one. We have been looking for something for three days now!" All of a sudden, Mulder fell to the ground. Blood was running down his leg. He'd been shot. Scully turn her head to see who it was. It was the four boys holding up guns who'd beaten up Mulder earlier. They turned to shot Scully but she sprang off and took cover. She began to fire at the boys. She hit the boy who injured Mulder. Blood spilled out of his left hand. He clutched it in agony, his friends carried him off with them. After they'd left Scully came over to Mulder, who had started to cry silently. Scully felt a rage inside of her, she became determined to solve this case. Even if it took forever, she'd give Mulder the justice he deserves. Mulder leaned on Scully as she helped him up the steps. Scully slowly opened Mr. Wilfred's office door. "Mr. Wilfred, can we use your phone? Mulder has been shot by the four boys he claimed to see before. We need to call a hospital," Scully pleaded. "Oh of course. Hear you are," the principal handed Scully the phone off his desk. Scully immediately notice a wound on his left hand. She looked up at him, feeling her strong rage. That explained the whole case! Mulder was right when he said that paranormal things lurked around every corner. The whole staff, they were shapeshifters! Scully didn't know whether or not to believe that. She tried to not show her realization, but it was too late. The principal realized the she'd figured him out. He threw the phone at her. It hit her in the head and knocked her out. She lifelessly dropped Mulder and she and Mulder fell to the floor. Mulder wished he could fight but figured that he'd be too slow and get injured more. "Please excuse this interruption . . . " the principle said over the intercom. "All teachers please report to my office . . . we've got some trouble-makes to deal with." When Scully awoke she found herself and Mulder tied to chairs in the teacher's lounge. Teachers were circled around them. Then the principal, the teacher who was seen in the parking lot and two other faculty members pushed their way threw the crowd, in front of Mulder and Scully. They stood there and just stared at the duo. Mulder then shouted out "WHO ARE YOU!" After he did, the four changed into the four boys who'd beaten Mulder up. "You . . . you're the ones behind all of this!" Mulder let his head sink, ashamed that he was so easily deceived. "So why'd you call us anyway? What'd you want from us?" Mulder cried. "Well . . . Mulder, I figured the FBI would come around eventually plus they'd be suspicious if I didn't call them. And I MADE SURE that you got the case. The word is that you're the nutcase around there and no one believes you about anything. You see Mr. Mulder, I didn't plan to have to do this . . . but well, you just found out TOO much. Too much to ruin my plans," Calmly answered the principal. "And what exactly are your plans?" Mulder asked. The principal just stared at him with his cold, heartless face. A face that used to appear so kind and friend. Finally, he answered. "Wouldn't YOU like to know," "I think I do!" Mulder answered slowly. "This is a plot, that lurks into the deepest depths of the conspiracy. You have to do with everything, all of this. You have to do with my sister!" "Well, Mr. Mulder, it looks like it's a good thing you're not going to be around much longer." The principal and everyone else left the room, leaving Mulder with unanswered questions and possibly answers with unfound questions. Mulder looked up to see the principal slowly waving to him through the glass of the door. Suddenly the room started filling with gas. Mulder knew he and Scully would die together in that room. "Scully, it'll be okay," Mulder said trying to confort her. Scully, who'd been silent this whole time finally spoke "Mulder, I know what you're thinking. . . Mulder we aren't going to die. We've survied so much, will you allow your self to be beaten by this . . . pathetic attempted to destroy us." She paused and looked down, not knowing what else she could say. Her head slowly rose as she started into Mulder's eyes. "I won't give up if you won't. Besides, let's hope that Kersh comes in here soon." Mulder almost broke down into tears. As he looked at Scully something incredibly powerful came over him. He blurted out "I love you Scully," Scully took on a shocked expression. Her mouth dropped open. But then before Scully could respond the gas had entered her body. Her eyes dropped shut and her body hung on the chair. Mulder stared at her then couldn't fight the tears back any longer. Mulder shouted at the top of his lungs. Then, his eyes closed as well. "Mulder . . . Mulder. It's me, it's Scully," Mulder's eyes gradually opened. He saw Scully leaning over him. "Am, am I in heaven?" asked Mulder, the rest of the surrounding appearing blurry to him. "No Mulder you're in a hospital. You're not dead," Scully softly replied. "What . . . but, how'd . . . we were . . . " Mulder stuttered, very amazed. Scully explained. "Mulder, they found us inside, on that soon after we passed out. Anyway, the doctors say that the gas must have been sleeping gas. But they also said you had some hallucinogenic steroids in you. That would explain for your unpredictable and odd behavior the last few days Ah Mulder, have you been . . . " "No! Someone must have drugged me," Mulder concluded. "I guess so," Scully replied. "AND I'M GONNA FIND THAT MONKEY IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!" -Gee, yak think a sequel is in the making. You get to make that decision. If we get a lot of feedback, sure. If we get a little, maybe. But if we get none.................. You get the picture. Here's the address again: Waltersfam@Integrityonline10.com