From: Starbuk42@aol.com Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 18:39:16 EDT Subject: A Pardoning Solitude by M (1/1) Title: A Pardoning Solitude Author: M (Starbuk42@aol.com) Rating: PG-13 Category: M/S UST, VA and mild H Spoilers: None Summary: Sometimes forgiving and forgetting is harder than you think. Sometimes it's not. And sometimes it's somewhere in between. (And if that didn't make any sense, don't worry. Just read on. It'll all become clear, hopefully.) Archive: Gossamer. Anywhere else, ask me first. I'll let you. Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and any other characters mentioned belong to CC, 1013 Productions, and Fox. They are used without permission. This is for entertainment, not profit. Thanks: To Meghan, my editor, for all she does. Feedback: Is more than graciously accepted. I will also accept constructive criticism. And if you just want to tell me you read it, I'd like that too. E- mail to Starbuk42@aol.com Notes: This is from Scully's point of view. It is also in the first person, for the most part, anyway. Just thought I'd warn ya in case you don't like that sort of thing. Otherwise... Enjoy! A Pardoning Solitude by M I feel so bored out of my mind, it's unbelievable. Hell, even I don't believe it. But then again, I'm not one to readily believe anything. I just feel so pathetic, so unwanted. But most of all, I feel so lonely. It's been forever since I've been out -- not just on a date -- but out anywhere with anyone. Well, except for my partner, of course. But that's different. That's work. Mulder, my partner, well, _he's_ different. Sometimes I feel like he consumes my life. I feel like he consumes me. And he does in a way. Maybe that's not a bad thing. Wait a second. You see -- he's doing it again. And he's not even here. I don't even remember deciding to talk about him, and here I am, talking about him. Well, it doesn't matter. I'm bored, remember? So let's talk about Mulder. When I'm with him, I sometimes can't wait to get away. He can get like that. But once I'm alone I just wish he were here. Maybe it's not that I'm alone because I don't see other people; I do, despite what I said. It's just that I feel alone because I'm not with him. There. I said it. You can shoot me now. I've finally admitted it. In my own way I've finally admitted that I need him. But he can be so annoying sometimes. He can be downright juvenile, and it's those annoying qualities to him that I find myself missing most of all. All his stupid jokes and innuendos. They may make me irritated on the outside, but on the inside, I secretly desire them. They pull me away from the harshness of our work. They lighten me up, though I rarely show it. I really am pathetic and stubborn too, I guess. I could call him up right now. It's not like he's out of reach. It's just, I can't bring myself to do it. We had a fight. Yeah, I know. What else is new? But it wasn't just any fight. It was a *big* fight. I mean BIG. I can't remember ever screaming so loud at him. But I had every right to be angry. Or so I thought at the time. And boy did he scream back. He can be so frustrating too. Did I mention that? Well, he can. I swear, sometimes I could just slap him across the face. This time in particular. But I didn't. I guess we were lucky it was so late at night. No one was around to hear us. *********** 3 Hours Earlier *********** "I just don't agree with you, Mulder," she said, walking about two steps in front of him. "Why not?" "Because," she answered, stopping and turning to face him. "Because what, Scully? Because it sounds implausible? You, of all people, should know that that doesn't necessarily mean it *is* implausible." "Well, this...this just doesn't make sense. I'm sorry, Mulder, but I just can't accept that. You, of all people, should know that I need more proof than what you're giving me." "Scully, this is the only explanation that makes sense. There's no other way around it." "Mulder your explanation is so far gone I can't even begin to describe it." "Why can't you just go with me on this. Just for once." "Mulder, I can't. To say that this one's a stretch is an extremely large understatement." "It's not. Scully, this is the only way it could've happened." "Mulder, there's no possible way a man can split himself into two separate people. That's just not possible. I refuse to even consider it." "It's not so impossible. I have X-Files dating back to-" "There's no proof!" "Well, that's why I'm gonna go back to Illinois." "Mulder, this theory of yours is just insane! It's downright stupid!" "Are you calling me stupid?" "Not you, your theory." "Well, in a way you're calling me stupid." "Just shut up! Jesus, Mulder, you can be so immature sometimes." "Immature? Look at you." "How am I being immature? I'm being logical, something you ought to try." "Well, maybe you should try being open-minded." "I do, but insanity is where I draw the line." "It's not nearly as insane as your need to prove everything scientifically. There are just some things science can't explain!" "Mulder, there is not one shred of evidence to support your outrageous claim. Not one!" "That doesn't matter!" "Yes it does! I don't understand how you can't give up until everyone sees it your way. Why does everything have to be done *your* way?!" "Well, why do you have to act like a bitch all the time?!" "I'm being a bitch?! You're more of a bitch than I'll ever be!" "You're impossible, Goddamnit!" "*You're* impossible! And I'm tired of this! I'm so fucking tired of arguing over these ludicrous theories of yours! Not only are you insane, but you're driving *me* insane!! I can't deal with this!!!" "Well, neither can I! I'm not crazy, Scully! But *you* are gonna make me! I can't stand this!! You just can't accept anything, can you?! Even when it's right in front of your fucking face!!! You're too Goddamn stubborn!!!" "That's it! This is over, Mulder! Good night!!" she screamed at him as she began moving towards her car. "You can't just walk out! I'm not done yet! That's not fair and you know it!!" But his voice was slowly drowned out as she sped away. ******************* Well, I realized not too long ago that our whole argument was pointless. Eventually, everyone comes to that conclusion, I guess. But I had a lot of time to figure it out. With my being all alone and with absolutely nothing to do, it wasn't long before my thoughts drifted back to our fight on the street. Oh yeah, did I mention it was in the middle of the street? Guess not. Well, not exactly in the middle, but you get the point. Right outside the Hoover Building. I just can't get over that. So here I am at 4 AM, sitting on my couch in my suit, with my overcoat still on, staring at the wall. That's how pathetic I am. I hope Mulder feels the same way. Ok, maybe I don't. I sure can hold a grudge, but this time I don't want it to be that way. I just don't know what to do. *Call him* that little voice in my head says to me. I can forgive and forget, but I just can't be the one to go first. Mulder's right. I am too Goddamn stubborn, but I can't help it. But I also can't just let this go. It won't soon be forgotten. The things I said were terrible things, and he said some pretty horrible things as well. I didn't mean it, and know he didn't either. It just sounded like I wanted to quit, like I couldn't stand working with him. And that's not true. I guess we were both just tired and cranky. That's understandable. I just have to see him. To tell him I'm sorry, and I know I won't be able to sleep until I do so. I have to, I tell myself. I have to. So I reach out for the phone and take it slowly into my hand. I stare at it for a second, just wondering what I should say. I decide it's now or never, and as I begin to punch in his number there is a sudden knock at the door. One so unexpected, that I jump, and as I do so, I release the phone in my hand. It falls to floor with a satisfying thump. Actually, it hit the carpet. I stare at it with a confused expression on my face, wondering why it fell in the first place. Then there is another pounding at the door, and I suddenly remember. I stand from the couch and cross to the door. "Hey, Scully," he says in a dreary tone. He is looking down at his feet, unable to meet my eyes. "Morning, Mulder," I say, trying to sound almost pleasant. He smiles slightly and looks up at me. At that point he has put on that puppy-dog face that says, "Please forgive me." And I want so badly to take his face and crush to my chest, but I keep my distance. "You going somewhere, Scully?" he asks, looking at my attire. "No," I answer, not bothering to explain. "Come on in." I step away from the door and proceed to the couch. Mulder lingers outside the apartment for a few seconds, unsure if he should follow. Eventually, he steps in, closing and locking the door behind him. He makes his way to the couch and sits beside me. Not too close, yet not too far away. He, like me, is still dressed in his suit, and he doesn't bother to take his overcoat off. I absently wonder if he even bothered to take the coat off at his apartment. Or if he just sat in it on his couch, doing the exact same thing I did. I wouldn't doubt it. We are much the same, he and I. Strange, that we can be so different yet so alike. People say that about each other all the time. So, I guess it's not that strange. But it's strange for us because it means, in a way, that we are almost normal. Well, in that respect anyway. I believe I drifted from the matter at hand. Back to what I was saying. I sit facing the window as he sits staring at the back of my head. I can feel his eyes on me, burning into my skull. I turn abruptly, catching him by surprise. He jumps slightly. Much like I had when he knocked. I suppose he was daydreaming. I stare at him as he stares at me. We say no words. Only what is told with our eyes. After a few seconds I tear my gaze from his, unable to stand the seemingly endless guilt which pours from his stare. He looks down and into his lap. "I'm sorry, Mulder," I finally admit. "No, Scully. *I'm* sorry. I didn't mean to push you. [not literally, of course] I was just tired and frustrated with everything." "I hope you know I didn't mean what I said about not being able to work with you. I wouldn't dream of working with anyone else." "I know. And I hope you realize I didn't mean what I said, either." "I know," I say as I nod my head. We are silent for some time. We just sit, watching each other. Finally, we come to a silent agreement. "Come here," I say almost in audibly as I pull him into an embrace. He delicately places his arms around me and lowers his head to my shoulder. It feels good to be held by him. It always has. I rock us back and forth gently on the couch. "Promise me we'll never fight again," he says. I know he doesn't really expect me to do so, but I answer him. "I can't, Mulder," I tell him truthfully. "But I'll try." Then I lay down slowly, taking him with me. His head rests lightly against my breast. It feels good. Not that. Well, yeah, it does kinda. But that's not what I meant. It feels good to lie here with him. "Look at us, Mulder. We're pathetic," I say, indicating how we are dressed. He looks up at me then down at himself. He laughs slightly as he flaps the open part of his coat. "Yeah. But at least we're pathetic together." The End That was something a little different for me. I'd like to know what you thought. E-mail me--> (Starbuk42@aol.com) Thanks.