From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 16:22:12 -0500 Subject: The Path to All Things by Callicott Source: direct Reply To: jcallicottw@yahoo.com Title: The Path to All Things Author: Callicott E-mail: jcallicottw@yahoo.com Classification: MSR Keyword: Scully and Mulder angst Spoilers: All Things, Requiem Rating: NC-17 Archive: Anywhere, just let me know please. Disclaimer: These wonderful characters don't belong to me but I know who to thank for them, so thank you CC, GA and DD. Author's Notes: It's important to remember just how big a step this was to Mulder and Scully... There were reasons why it took them so long to finally cross the threshold, while in most TV shows the URST lasts only through two commercial breaks ... Why we love them and why they love each other is hopefully explained here. The Path to All Things (Part One) "That says a lot. I mean, a lot, a lot, probably a lot more than we should be getting into at this late hour." And then Mulder turned his face and saw her sleeping face. Scully's face. In repose, free for him to look at, gaze at, if you will, even if he had denied doing so in the past. Now, he heaved a sigh and indulged himself for a brief moment to gaze at that face. And there he saw all the faces he loved. Her listening face, her arguing face. The face when she said in revelation or horror "Oh, my God!" Her quiet face when she knew it really mattered to him and the face she made when she refrained from saying one more time, "Mulder, are you suggesting...." There was also there a face he saw less often, but was the one most deeply etched in his mind; the face she made when he locked her with his eyes and willed her to feel for him as he felt for her. There weren't many times like that. They both guarded themselves so dearly, but he had tried, tried somehow to cross that gulf and assure her he felt for her as no one else could upon the face of this earth. She had never refused that look, had in fact acknowledged it with eyes and lips, but lips always detoured at the last moment, away, but connecting with...yes, he thinks, with love, but what kind of love, Mulder cannot be sure of. His chest aches; he can't quite believe the ache his grown-man chest can feel as he looks down on her, innocently and securely asleep. "That says a lot," he thinks again, "about Scully that is." That it's taken so long for her to be sitting here, side by side, way past midnight, shoes off, arms touching, but fingers laced and controlled as she tells him the most intimate story of her life to date. It took every bit of his control not to....what? Bemoan the fact that she had loved someone, been devoted to someone other than himself. Had lain in bed, and whispered...no he couldn't even imagine it. Didn't dare to after seven celibate years waiting for her, when so many nights only a thin motel wall lay between them. He couldn't entertain the thought that she had called another man on the phone and said, "It's me." Mulder moved around his living room and looked at her face from afar, her body enshrouded in the blanket that he had covered her in when he knew he didn't dare sit there next to her another moment. He had to admit that he was hurt and couldn't imagine she admitted to a vision, a real psychic experience, and he hadn't been there. She had taken that journey without him and he felt cheated that the look of spiritual revelation she had experienced was a look he had missed seeing on her face. He was a man at home in his own home, but he moved as a stranger among the current surroundings. Mulder had rarely been accused of being a man of indecision, but on this night in her sleeping presence, he was at a total loss as to what to do. He moved around the seemingly shrinking room, softly like a pacing animal. Not too much noise, she might awaken and leave. Bring her a pillow, help her recline more comfortably...no, she might awake and leave. Go to bed...no he might awaken her and she'd be gone...and too this precious moment of intimacy that had so been lacking for the last year. It was if as they got closer, she could only throw up more walls, more obstacles to facing reality. He knew it was reality. His feelings for her were reality. As much as he had ever known there were little gray men, he knew he could never bear to have Scully leave his side. That he should ever be able to really love her was a thought he kept shoved far back in his mind. She had made it clear that that was where he should keep that thought. Of course, he touched her whenever he could. Quick touches every day, a hand on her back, a graze across the arm. And when she was ill, or in danger, he wasn't really aware of how often he had acted on his burning need to somehow touch her face, brush her hair from her eyes, anything to keep her connected to him. And tonight....He was only a breath's distance from her lips, but he would never... He could have, he could have brushed her lips ever so lightly. But instead, he covered her as best he could with the closest extension of himself, his scratchy Navajo blanket, tucked tenderly around her. Her awake self would look and understand the gesture, but ultimately turn and walk down the hall...too close, too close, tapped out with sound of her retreating heels. He paced the room, still trying to understand. She had gone through hell for him. Literally hell, a purgatory of cancer, a loss of heaven and motherhood, attacks that wouldn't even allow her one of her few luxuries...a bath in her own home. All because of him. But not once did she ever leave his side. He had told her to leave, but she had insisted, "I can't, I won't." After so much, she still had stayed by his side. To fathom her mind, was the ultimate X File, he thought ruefully. Of all the truths he should have pursued, but he stopped himself in mid thought, in revelation. She loved it as much as he did. That was the truth. She was never just following him and his quest. Her thirst for knowledge, for truth was just as great as his. How egotistical for him to have thought that. This was her mission too, and if he were to be completely honest, he'd admit how she had led him down as many paths as he had led her. As the light of revelation mixed with the luminescent glow of moonlight on her sleeping eyelids, the thought crystallized in his mind and he silently hated himself for not seeing it before. Who had stayed at whose side? They had both stayed at each other's, in an unspoken commitment that had survived so much suffering. Indeed even their conversation tonight had only been arrived at by a joint resolution. She had made a decision to stay behind from his last crazy chase and he had decided to come home (yes, home, to Scully) early because it had seemed empty without her. The realization filled him and he heard once again her words. "What if there were only one choice and all the other ones were wrong?" In Scully, Mulder felt as if her choices must somehow be linked to his. How else could he have stayed sane all those years? How else could he have been blessed by this one when so many others rejected him? If he could believe in aliens why couldn't he believe in this miracle of fate? But he sighed, "Fate is fate." There's only so much you can do to hurry it. And as he looked at her there in peaceful repose on his sofa, in his living room, he knew he would continue to wait, but to watch carefully for the signs. With this decision made, he drifted back to her. Determined not to awaken her, but to let her get her long needed rest after the ordeal with Daniel, he moved back to his position by her side, slid his arm around her, just to support her to rest easier as long as she needed. Mulder must have dozed off too, because it was as if from a long distance he heard her murmur his name. "Mulder...," she said from her sleep. She was nestled in his arms and wasn't sure if it were a dream or not. Then her eyes slit open and Scully saw where she was. On Mulder's sofa, wrapped in a blanket, settled in the crook of his arm. She only startled for an instant and then quieted herself with the intellectual assessment that if she couldn't feel safe here, where could she feel safe? She didn't realize, but she sighed his name again and immediately he was with her. "Yeah, Scully" "Um, I guess I fell asleep." "Feel better?" "Yes." she answered honestly, but then her practical side automatically intruded, "What time is it? Should I..." Mulder quickly interrupted, "Stay?" Then he said again, "Stay." Scully had no motivation to really leave, but the small voice of control always plagued her. "Too close, too close...." As if to quiet her doubts, Mulder breathed softly in to the top of her head. His warm breath, his smell was like an extension of his warm comforting blanket and her resolve to leave left her. "Scully? Do you remember you asked me about choices?" "Yes." Not an argumentative Scully, but an accepting one. Mulder felt fate showing him a sign as she relaxed under his arm and he continued as if speaking from a dream. "I think you fell asleep just as I was saying that I agreed that all those choices, no wrong turns, in fact all the right turns led us to this point." She remained silent and he ventured on. "So Scully, shouldn't we take that as meaning we are where we should be?" "We are where we are, Mulder." Scully's voice coming awake. "I don't know what fate has to do with it." "I didn't say fate, Scully. But since you brought it up, whether it's fate or of our own choosing, we shouldn't deny the choices we've made." "Oh, Mulder," Scully squirmed slightly, "I don't know if my head is here enough to follow you." Mulder sighed. "I need you to understand this, Scully." Scully, hearing the tone of his voice, turned her head out of the crook of his arm to look him in the eyes. "What is it, Mulder?" But every nuance of her face and voice revealed she already knew the import of his words. Mulder saw the look and continued on earnestly. "Scully...I don't know, but doesn't it mean something? Noo crop circles, my coming back early, your spirit guide, your putting to rest past loves, your sharing that with me. Miraculously, our slowing down..." Scully smiled a small smile at that. "...Our slowing down enough to fall asleep, and to wake up....together. Scully, I think more now than ever I want to believe." His face was so close to hers, and the words spoken in such an intimate whisper that Scully unconsciously placed her forehead on his and sighed deeply. "What does it mean, Mulder?" Mulder tightened his arm about her ever so slightly. "You want me to tell you what it means? I think I already have, many times." He hesitated and than added, "You just don't answer." Scully pulled her head away to find an expectant look on Mulder's face. Some instincts urged her to pull away as usual, but others told her that to do so, at this point, was an untruthful thing to do. A thousand other responses shot through her mind. Negations all of them, ending with "Oh, brother!" what she had last said when he said I love you. She had hated herself on many levels for that insensitive retort. Be honest, she thought to herself, she was afraid she really heard it, but was also more afraid that she hadn't really heard it. She had needed to hear it but wasn't quite sure what to do with the feeling, except of course love him back. But she did already. He must know that. Oh, God, she thought, her heart beating so hard, didn't he know? Didn't he know how hard it was to love a man like him? She'd already offered her life on so many occasions, to save him, just to show she believed in him. How much more could she do? She was so afraid of being simply a mortal woman to him. She had to be more... "Scully?" Mulder sensed her inner turmoil. "I've never known you to be afraid of anything, but I feel so much fear in you now..." sudden pain filling his voice, "it can't be because of me." His face filled with a panicked look as he recoiled from her. "God, Scully, you can't be afraid of being here, with me? Could I have been so wrong about your, about our feelings?" Scully instinctively thrust aside her doubts and grabbed his arm back around her. "No, Mulder." Quickly accepting her reentry into his sphere, Mulder smiled in relief. "Then say, Yes, Mulder." Her blue eyes still gazed earnestly into his and she answered him with as serious a voice as she had ever spoken. "There's no where in the world I feel safer than with you. What ever we've been through, I knew the two of us would be fine together...but it's not you..." "Stop there." He placed a gentle finger on her lips and smiled. "You know sometimes you just don't know when to quit." Scully smirked under his finger and they both stayed silently looking at each other, neither inclined to break the mutual reverie. Finally Mulder chanced fate again and spoke softly, "I was watching you sleep.." "Aw, Mulder...." "It felt right. It felt right for you to be here tonight.." He paused meaningfully. "Every night with me, Scully..." His voice faded away, but his eyes took her in hungrily. "You can't deny the truth. You've had your own vision. Wasn't I in there somewhere?" It was almost a cruel question. When hadn't she thought of her own fate inextricably bound with his? She couldn't remember. And when the Cigarette Smoking Man had asked her to come with him, without Mulder, just the guilt she had felt from deceiving Mulder had been physically painful. The silence of her ruminations drove Mulder mad as a painful possibility came over him. What if? what if she really doesn't feel the way I feel? Oh, God, what if I'm really only like a brother to her, or ....how stupid, how stupid to presume... Scully felt him flinch and move away. She looked at him in askance as the warmth slipped from her body. The look of uncertainty on her face made Mulder feel dead inside. What if he really were wrong? What if her love was the real delusion...Aliens real, Scully love a hoax? Scully felt a tide turning as she recognized the stricken look on his face. She knew how he felt, and could feel it herself. She had been dishonest. Dishonest to refrain from admitting what that feeling meant to her. It was not in her nature to be dishonest and she knew honestly now in the bottom of her soul the only truthful answer she had for Mulder. Just as he was about to get off the sofa, she caught his hands. She rose slightly and pulled him back down. Face to face, eyes wide open, she kissed him, pulling his arms around her slender body. Scully kissed him, raining kisses upon his face and then on his mouth with an intensity that could not be misconstrued as anything but kisses of passion and of love. Mulder was shocked, electrified, his worst fear and his fondest hope all in one second. He let his arms be locked around her and then when her lips moved to his, he would not let them leave. Not for words, although his mind shouted I love you, I love you! Not for anything would he let this stop. It was oxygen to him, life; he was a drowning man and she was saving him....again. His hands moved behind her back, intertwined with hers and their pounding hearts met beating as one. As she fell softly back onto the sofa, he fell gently over her and found one hand at the back of her neck, her soft hair entangled in his fingers. She gasped slightly at his weight on top of her, but then smiled and pulled him closer. He laid the full length of his frame against her tiny one and wanted to swallow her whole. Her body so perfectly fit under his, and her mouth, her lips, his tongue fit so well. And he realized he was finally kissing Scully and she was kissing him back. In the realization he tasted salt tears upon his tongue and pulled up slightly to look at her face. "Scully? What's wrong?" "Mulder," she breathed. "I am afraid. I am afraid of how much I love you. I'm afraid it will devour me..." "Scully. There is no me without you. You know that. You've proven that so many times. And, besides I loved you first, so you can blame the whole thing on me." His smile said it all. "I don't want to blame you, Mulder." "Then just love me Scully. Just love me like I know you can, G woman!" It was Mulder after all and she was Scully and she knew in her heart of hearts that she could and that she would love him. With a smile on her lips, she pulled him back to her. "Come on back," she murmured and pressed his body next to hers. He buried his face into her neck and nuzzled it. Nothing ever smelled as sweet as Scully. All those stakeouts, long plane rides, he endured it all with her sweet smell. And now he was so close. He slipped his arm under the small of her back and brought them both up to a sitting position. "This sofa is too small..." "I've heard you have a bedroom." "Is that where you want to go with me?" his voice unbelievably quiet. "Haven't I followed you everywhere?" "But not without a fight" "Be careful Mulder, or I'll hurt you like that Devil Woman." Her eyes shone and he smiled as she rose off the sofa with him, his front to her back, not an inch between them, and he let her lead him, his arms wrapped tightly around her small waist, his long legs and thighs pressing against her, and his hand crept under her sweater. Her warm belly and the curve of the underside of her breasts met his hands. He felt the lace of her bra and spun her to face him again for another kiss. Her lips met his and her hands moved from his hips down his flanks to feel his need of her. They stumbled backwards locked in this embrace, bumping against the bedroom door until they found their way to the bed laughing slightly. But at the sight of the bed, Scully stopped and looked a bit desperately into Mulder's eyes. "Mulder...Mulder..wait, what are we doing? Oh God, oh God, what am I thinking..." Mulder looked truly horrified at the terror on Scully's face. "Scully? What are you afraid of? That I love you...that I don't love you?" He grabbed her head between his hands and seemed intent upon crushing the truth out of her brain. His intensity leveled her as much as his words. "It, this, means nothing, if I don't have your complete faith and trust, Scully. Seven years, 14 years, I don't care. I just need to know you're mine..that..that I can make you happy, that I can give you the meaning you give to me." He threw up his hands and backed away from her, true regret as she had never seen on his face. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...." Scully took one look at his stricken face and made a decided step forward to take his face in her hands. Tears streamed down her face as she confessed, "Who would have ever known what a frightening thing love is Mulder. It's the only thing I truly fear, ever been frightened of. All your aliens, your monsters, my cancer even, didn't scare me as much..." As she wiped the tears from his eyes, she continued softly, "But leave it you to make me face my fears...and overcome them." His face calmed at her voice and her closeness bathed him in the familiarity and the relief that came whenever she was near. Her open earnest face beckoned him back and she pulled his hands underneath her sweater to stop his trembling. She placed both his hands on her breasts and covered his mouth with hers, pulling away only once to say, "I am yours and you are mine." "You sure, Scully." She took one hand and unbuttoned the back of her skirt, one free hand of his helped it glide down her hips to a puddle on the floor. He looked askance at her for a brief second, and with the look of complete acceptance and desire on her face, he cupped his hand into her panties to feel the answering moisture between her legs. "Scully..." he breathed as his fingers found their way inside her. He gently walked her towards the bed, losing clothes along the way until they fell upon it in just their underwear. Mulder threw back the covers and pulled Scully in rubbing the coolness from her skin. There they lingered. All the years of waiting coming into good use now as they took their time exploring each other's bodies. He, her firm breasts, smooth stomach, her round bottom and the sweet fur in her lacy panties. Only periodically did he dare touch her there, still not quite believing this newfound intimacy and having to reprove it by kisses and saying her name, Scully. With every "Yes, Mulder" he grew bolder in claiming her as his own. She had had no trouble finding his erection and stroking it, feeling his flat stomach underneath and loving, caressing each part of him. She wanted him inside her now, and once accepting that could never believe she had denied herself so long. But Mulder was in a state of wonder of her whole person. He turned and touched every part of her, laying kisses upon parts she never knew could be kissed. When finally he removed her panties and bra, it was if he would collapse. "Scully, I don't need more than this..." "Mulder, come inside me now. I need all of you now." Briefly, he considered reaching for his nightstand drawer and the condoms inside. She saw his hesitation and realized what he was doing. He stopped and looked sheepishly at her, "You know I think there's a 7 year expiration date on these things." She smiled a little sadly and reminded him that there was no need on her account either. And they both cried a little at the toll that had been taken on both of them and then started laughing as only they could at the cruel joke of fate. "Mulder are you suggesting that you aren't going to finish making love to me this instant." He smiled a smile of total love at his friend, his partner, his love and rolled on top of her again. Cupping her bottom in his large warm hands he slid inside her. Scully gasped once and then moaned like a baby as he rocked inside her. There was no way for them to become closer. He was inside her and her legs wrapped around him in an embrace he could not escape. Their smiles, their tears, their fluids, their tongues and lips all molded as one. Their bodies and souls in this state of perfect bliss came as one, laughing crying as one. A storm raged outside, but it was no match for the emotions unleashed that night in apartment 42. They never let go of each other. They made love an infinite number of times, Scully would find some unkissed part of Mulder and arouse him again. He would nuzzle between her legs and she would swallow him inside her again. They made up for lost time. But soon time caught up with them. The rainstorm of the night before could not hold back the suns' rising and Scully felt it come first. Mulder lay in complete peaceful slumber, the first time she had ever seen him truly in deep sleep. Now it was her turn to watch him, to protect him. Faint light broke through the clouds and streamed across his eyes. She quietly got out of bed and turned down the blinds to shield Mulder and then stood naked in his room. She couldn't explain what exactly had come over her last night, but was sure it was part of the truth she always searched for with him. A shower perhaps would wash away her awakening doubts and she slipped into the bathroom with what clothes she could find strewn on the floor. The warm spray bathed her, as well as visions of the night's lovemaking and instead of scrubbing them away, she let them linger on her skin. As she imagined a particularly tender moment, she felt a hand reach around her soapy waist. "Mulder?" "I had to be sure it wasn't a dream Scully." "Oh, it was a dream..." "No, this is real," and he stepped naked into the shower with her and kissed her warm wet face. Soon his hands and then his desire had slipped inside her again and they made love in the encroaching daylight and warm water. As they stood spent in the cooling spray, his head collapsed on her breast. She kissed the top of his head. "Mulder, I'm here. It was real." she offered. "now, don't worry, I won't deny this happened between us." She took his face in her hands and grinned, " I want to believe. Now go back to bed. I'll see you at the office." "But I want to have breakfast, coffee, lunch, dinner....forever with you Scully." "Go back to sleep, Mulder. You're still in England as far as anyone knows. You can come into the office whenever and..." she stopped a beat, " and we can come home early." He smiled at those words, and silently, happily obeyed her. By the time she was dressed, he was back in bed, fast asleep. She took a moment to study him with a serious face. But Scully, never one to second guess herself when she had truly made a decision, methodically put on her jacket and knew with certainty that she had at last made the right choice in the path of hers and Mulder's life. (end) Part One -------------------------------- Does it ring true to you? Let me know, and now we'll find out how they deal with this in the daylight hours. Title: The Path to All Things (part 2) Scully was alone standing in Mulder's office, staring at the "I Want to Believe" poster, almost shaking her head in amazement that she silently chanted that phrase as a mantra. And behind it all, she also heard whispering, "And where will this lead us?" It was "us" now, more than ever before. This new path they had chosen to follow had both fortified and weakened them. Before, there had always been a lot at stake. But now there was even more. Me, you, him, her...these words could no longer exist alone. And this was quickly proven when Mulder ended up in the hospital with a potentially fatal lung disease. There would be no her if he succumbed. Not scientifically provable, but a fact in her mind. Shortly after their first night spent together in his bed as lovers, they had discussed that neither of them could tolerate the public scrutiny of their relationship. Mulder laughed and then so did Scully. "How can we deprive them of the years of titillation from wondering about us?" Mulder asked, knowing full and well the fun was instantly gone when he responded to questions about the nature of their partnership with an icy stare. Scully scoffed, "How could we explain it when I can't even explain it myself?" Mulder looked a bit hurt, but he knew what she meant. Scully still couldn't graciously accept many words of love from him. She always preferred when he just took her and she quieted his rush of words with a kiss, a finger or some other part of her body. It was just too much to admit how much he meant to her and she to him, coupled with a vague sense of guilt that she had refused him so long. She preferred it most when she just showed up at his doorstep late at night and roused him from his sofa. She knew with just a look that he had been willing her to come to him, just as she knew that he used every once of his control to refrain from going to her first and thus cross that fragile line she had drawn. "Couldn't sleep either?" he'd always ask and then drag her in the door, slamming it quickly so she wouldn't have a chance to escape. He had thought in an amused and proud way that if Scully did want to give him a scuffle, he was pretty sure she could just about kick his ass. Instead he just shut the door and then played it by ear. Sometimes he let her sit on the sofa with him and bask in the flickering light of some old black and white movie. He'd wait sometimes the excruciating length of 5 minutes before slipping his arm casually around her. But other times, his resolve disappeared the moment she stepped inside. Just the look on her face, the smell of her hair and he'd mutter "Fuck it!" and begin tearing her clothes from her. She never resisted either way, seemed amused by either route and far too tired from her own emotional struggle which ultimately led to his door in the middle of the night. It was amazing how they managed during the days at work, in a dizzying schizophrenic play of keeping hands and eyes apart. They literally had to sit apart at meetings now, and not even in range of vision if possible, afraid that even one glance would reveal all to everyone. They spoke to each other less and less at work, in shorter sentences. She was hesitant to defend him as vehemently in staff meetings and soon people began to talk. "What's going on with Mr. and Mrs. Spooky?" Even Skinner tried to broach the subject with Mulder earning him the blankest stare to date from this agent. Out of the total professional respect for Dana Scully, no one had ever really imagined an out and out "relationship" between the two. But they never after the first year of the two's partnership would ever cross her when it came to Mulder. They couldn't deny her brilliance and forthrightness and so they couldn't totally dismiss him either if he had managed to win so much of her respect. When this aberrant coolness settled over Agents Mulder and Scully, it cast a shadow of doubt, that primarily fell across Mulder. That was when the reviews began. At first Scully thought it was for everyone, and then she realized it was focused on them. How typical, she thought in annoyance, but this emotion soon changed to barely contained anger as other agents began approaching her with their own interpretations as to the condition of her partnership. "So Scully, looks like you'll be having some free time soon. Would you mind looking over this case with me?" Her response was always a civil excuse, but in the back of her cool blue eyes was a fire smoldering along with a growing sense of guilt and betrayal of Mulder. But who was betraying whom? Ever since they became more than just partners, Mulder's interests in cases changed. Yes, they were still strange, perplexing puzzles, but leading them nowhere really. Fun? Frivolous? Always far from danger...any hint of danger. Yes, of that she was sure. Then she got it. He was protecting her. The first sound of trouble and he pulled her and them away. "That's not an X File, Scully," he'd say. "Let Murphy take that one." "But Mulder, a murder in the gene research..." "No Scully, but look at this case about the priest."" And wasn't it as if he totally managed to finally to get them actually suspended? That night, when she walked into Mulder's apartment to find him watching for the 42nd time (he confessed) Ed Wood's B grade movie, she felt as if they were slipping into a B grade type of mentality. She felt sad that night, for him and for herself. It wasn't until she agreed to go with him to Hollywood that he finally relaxed enough to reach to embrace her, heaving a huge sigh of what she interpreted as relief. Their lovemaking was gentle that night as if he could truly let his defenses down, leave pressing urgency behind and just be safe. "You promise you'll go Scully?" he murmured into her neck. "When have I ever not kept a promise?" He ignored that and continued, " Two weeks Scully? Nothing will interfere, no family matters, no leads to follow..." Scully pushed him off her to see his face. "You're beginning to scare me Mulder. Is this really you? Or could you be the alien bounty hunter, or Mr. Small Potatoes...." He laughed slightly and pinned her down by the shoulders, burying his head in her breasts. "I don't believe either of them know my trademark trick of..." he whispered the last in her ear, making her grin. "So you be the judge." She succumbed to him then, her body gave her no choice. But after, as they lay tangled in the sheets, she managed to pick up right where they left off. "Really Mulder...what is it?" He groaned and hid his head in the pillow, which she handily threw across the room. "Mulder, I haven't had to argue you out of a case for months. I mean, not really. Aren't there any more monsters, conspiracies? Don't we still have to save the world?" She said these words in a jesting tone, but as they escaped her lips, both her and Mulder's eyes met and simultaneously there was no humor left. "Oh, Mulder," she breathed and laid her head back on his stomach, trying to bury herself as deep as she could into the safe protection of his arms. He instinctively held her tighter. "See, Scully. You're afraid of the same thing too. How much breathing space will we ever really have? We don't have to go looking for trouble. It surely will find us....and somehow try to take you away from me again." She knew it was futile to argue with him or deny it or even say she could take care of herself. The arguing Scully was no where to be found and in all honesty, she didn't really believe they ever would be able to fade away into a life of domestic bliss. It just didn't seem possible -- As if reading her thoughts, Mulder rolled onto one elbow and with an intense almost ferocious gaze began to take her body again, as if by this act he could protect her forever. Her equally matched passion let him know that she was doing the same for him. --------------------------------------------- And the call came. Just when she thought their biggest problem might be the FBI auditor, Billy Miles called them from seven years out of the blue. It was with mixed feelings as she heard his voice over the speakerphone and saw Mulder's immediate recognition and enthusiasm. And yes, she wanted it too. She did love the chase and here it was again. But somehow as she led Mulder out the door with the insouciance of "Let's go waste some money..." she felt a queasy feeling in her stomach. On the way out, Mulder sobered too. He of course yearned for the true winning of the battle, and all his feelings of love for Scully couldn't deny that he still did not feel that things were "resolved." "You know Mulder, I know what you've been doing these last months," Scully appraised him honestly as she stopped him at the door to the street, and he knew better than to deny it. "It might have been OK then, but this is something real Mulder. It's not over if indeed there are new abductions and I'm not going to accept any pussy footing around with you about this. Am I your partner or not?" Scully looked at him fiercely, and Mulder could only reach back and take her hand briefly, avoiding her eyes. "I never knew I could feel so..." he hesitated and then with a look almost painful to see whispered half to himself, "it's like what I felt while looking for Samantha, but ten fold..." Scully felt stunned by the meaning of these words and chose hers carefully. "Mulder, I can understand your feelings....but I am not an eight year old girl, and you are not entirely responsible for my protection. You have to let me, let us, do what we know how to do best...look for and find the truth. How else can we ever be together?" Scully saw her words hit their mark, but did not get the reaction she wanted. Although he squeezed her hand in response, he avoided her eyes and kept walking. There were bigger demons at play in his mind than her mere verbal assurances could slay. As usual with Mulder and Scully, they would have to bide their time. ----------------------------------------------- Upon arrival in Bellefleur, the real impact hit Scully as well. There they were again, at the bright orange X in the road. And indeed, X marked the spot. This was proof positive of all that he had said and it was happening again. Coincidence was scarcely the appropriate word that popped into her head for how she felt to be returned to this place. And as Mulder continued to stare at her as Billy Miles told his tale of more abductions, she began to understand Mulder's real fear. It was happening again and if it were happening again to others it could happen again to her. She was still in a semi state of shock in reaction to Mulder's fear, more than to anything else when they arrived at Teresa's Hosey's home. Mulder's state of mind always affected her more than the actual physical danger. When they arrived at Teresa's house and the young woman greeted them in that supremely suburban venue, but with tales of alien antics, Scully's mind made a mental juxtaposition that made her physically ill. Even holding that baby could not bring her back to earth, the earth her science promised her existed. The feeling held over all afternoon, but intensified as she started getting ready for bed. What rule, what base could she rely on when young housewives with new babies could sit there and tell her that their husbands had been abducted multiple times by aliens? She felt herself nearly swoon at the incongruity, and knew that she must breech the decorum of separate rooms to reach for the only anchor she could count on. Mulder. It was ironic to her, as she rushed to his door, that this was indeed a re-enactment of seven years ago. Not even really knowing him then, she had an instinctual trust that he would help her. And here she was again, arriving at his door in the middle of the night, feeling timid and shy about this admission of her need for someone else. "Scully, you look sick..." and he immediately pulled her in. Of course, she realized this was different. She still hated to reveal a weakness to him, but his look of immediate concern for her almost pushed her sick feeling aside. He needed her more than she needed him, to be strong. Enveloping her instantly into his bed and the curve of his body, she began to stop her trembling. But his words soothed and frightened her at the same time. Yes, she knew what her costs had been. But as he kept saying "It's not worth it Scully," she knew that in a way it had been, if it had brought them together, that somehow, they would make it worth it, in ways she didn't even know yet herself. She wouldn't trade all the suburban bliss in the world for what she and Mulder had accomplished together. "Oh, Mulder, I'll be fine." she answered, but when he had spoken that there must be an end sometimes, she had started trembling anew. She turned towards him and made him meet her eyes. "There will not be an end, not until, we have the answers we both want. Promise me." But he would not, he only held her tighter and kissed her forehead. "No, Mulder. You're scaring me." "Scully...I'm scared for you." "I'm never scared when we're together, Mulder." "I'm here." "No, get here under the covers with me and don't let me hear you talk about endings again." Mulder did as he was told. He peeled off his clothes and then helped her remove hers, but only held her and would not answer her suggestions to make love. "No Scully, you're not really feeling well. Let me just hold you tonight...just be with you tonight." and then more quietly into the nape of her neck, "We'll have a lifetime together if there's anything I can do about it." Scully let those words assure her as best they could and fell into a dreamless sleep, as Mulder kept watch over her all through the star filled Oregon night. The morning's bright sun did little to brighten Mulder's mood, and neither did the hard evidence of alien activity at the house of Teresa Hosey. Scully could not deny she recognized the green fluid, and Mulder's hard gaze told her that he was reading the worse possible meaning into its appearance. She had to insist for him to allow her to go to the woods to investigate the site where the local boy, Gary had been abducted, and only when Mulder's attention was diverted for a moment did she wander off to have her own look around. She couldn't tell if it were anger or concern that made Mulder grip her shoulder so strongly when he found her collapsed on the piney ground and muttered distracted words of comfort to her, while constantly scanning the surrounding forest. The only thing she did know for sure, was that he had never driven back to the motel in such silence, or booked them a flight so fast back to Washington, without the case being remotely solved. When they were assigned the seats next to the exit door, he physically jumped and insisted that they wanted any seats but those. "Mulder?" "Sorry Scully, I was just thinking about Max..." Scully shook her head and knew that this was going to be a long flight home, but with her ongoing bouts of vertigo, she only hoped she could sleep through it and Mulder would return to normal when they got away from this place. Every time Scully woke during the flight, Mulder seemed lost in thought. He'd perfunctorily asked if she wanted anything, but then drifted away from her again, lost in thought. The fact was he couldn't bear her scrutiny or questions because for the first time in 7 years he was frozen in fear. He could feel it. "They" were here and they were coming again for the thing he loved most. To lose his sister was one thing. He had come to some sort of terms with that loss. But if he had to face another one, to lose his partner, his true life partner....Mulder felt that he would burst with a murderous rage. His mind went round and round. With all the knowledge they had gained over the years as to the aliens, the conspiracy, the true agenda of them all, what had they actually been able to prevent? They were mere witnesses to its evil unfolding. That was a lot. To understand at least what was happening, what was planned, to somehow slow it down. But, Mulder had to admit, he had never really been able to control not one moment. And now "they" were here and they were looking for their past abductees, and his love, his life, was one that they were looking for. His mind raced. How could he stop it? They could come through anything, doors, walls, windows, from Martha's Vineyard, to Oregon. Just getting Scully home was not necessarily protecting her from anything. His being with her, just as he was with Samantha was no assurance either. The whole flight home was spent trying to suppress the racking doubts and feelings of inadequacy that filled his body as he watched Scully by his side innocently sleeping. He trusted Scully to be able to take care of herself from virtually everything. But not this. He remembered all too well her description of being drawn to the bridge with Cassandra, inexplicably drawn and not even knowing how she had arrived there. It could happen the moment his back was turned and she would be lost to him...again. By the time they touched down in Washington, the only decision he had reached was that he would not let his back be turned for even one instant. That was the best he could do and he was grateful when Scully did not object when asked if he could stay at her apartment. Since it was a Saturday when they arrived home, they both knew they had a full weekend to enjoy before having to face the music of their unauthorized trip to Oregon. But Mulder was not even to be given that brief respite. When they arrived at Scully's door, she had to immediately run to the bathroom , and when she emerged she looked pale and drawn. "Scully, you get into bed right now. I'm calling the doctor." She didn't protest slipping into one of his tee shirts and burying herself under the covers, but the request for a doctor was immediately squashed. "Look Mulder, I am a doctor. And I don't think I really want to hear what I think another doctor is going to tell me." "What do you mean?" "I mean..." and this was hard for her, "I...haven't felt this way since...before I had my cancer." Her hand instinctually went to the back of her neck. She caught herself in the act and Mulder's increasingly concerned look. "You didn't get a factory warranty on this thing did you?" she asked sheepishly and then immediately regretted the remark. "Jeeze, Scully," Mulder said and lay down on the bed with her, pulling her close and rubbing the back of her neck. "Do you feel something there, God, you've got to tell me if you think this is really somehow related to...." "No, Mulder," She protested, "I'm fine. Just tired from the trip and the feelings from back there. Let me just get some sleep and I'll be fine..." She was almost asleep by the time she finished the sentence, and Mulder was left with the long night and increasing feelings of helplessness. Monday morning it was almost a blessing to find Krychek and Marita to pounce upon. His rage could be vented. He would push past Skinner and kill them both right there in the hallowed halls of the FBI. Nothing would make him feel better. But then the snake spoke and offered what was indeed a "singular opportunity." To put an end to this. To gain the knowledge of the ship and find a way ...a way to so many things. It was indeed enough to lure him from the Garden of Eden he had just found on this planet. And there Eve appeared, Scully in total disbelief eyeing him there as if he were in the company of the devil himself. Not even Skinner's and the Lone Gunmen's acceptance of this plan could make her believe...and she had so wanted to believe. It was the last straw when Mulder actually forbade her to go back to Oregon with him. He spoke of endings and all her strength left her. She just barely managed to insist that she would not let him go alone. As she clung to his neck there in the hallway, a wave of vertigo washed over her again, and Mulder had to catch her. "Scully..." "Mulder, just get me out of here. Away from these people." He slipped his arm around her waist and led her out of the building to his car, the familiarity and total of bizarreness of the scene almost making him feel dizzy himself. As they drove through the glistening streets under a softly falling rain, Scully stared only at him, willing him to explain, not blinking until he felt her mind upon his. "I know, Scully, I know." Mulder finally gave in. "I keep asking myself, how can I even be thinking of doing this. Something feels so wrong. Intellectually I know I have to go back there; we should be going back if we are ever going to have some control, some real knowledge to fight back with. But then I think, how can I trust Krychek?" He saw her look of agreement and continued with effort. "But Scully, if I don't go surely they are going to try and take you again. I know we made a promise about working alone and believe me, to try to finish this alone seems so wrong, yet..." and he saw her pale sick face in the passing street lights, "what will I be risking by not going or by going and taking you?" Scully maintained her silence, swallowing hard and turned her head to view the busy streets of normal people hurrying through their normal lives, none of them knowing that the sky was about to fall on them all. Mulder walked his still silent partner to her apartment door. It was as awkward as a first date. He absolutely could get no reading from her and as she put her key in the door, he grabbed her wrist and slowly turned her toward him. Scully felt she could not physically lift up her head to face him, her soul felt so heavy. Mulder took her chin and made her look him straight in the eye. She murmured, "You've already made up your mind, Mulder." "Yeah," he breathed, "But I know you'll talk me out of it if I'm making a mistake." And there was no denying it. If she really asked him not to go he could be persuaded. And for the first time she would be manipulating him for reasons she couldn't swear were honest. She sighed deeply and pulled him into her apartment. "There's only one thing I know now that is truly right, and that's for as long as I am able I need to be with you." She saw the look of pain and resignation cross his face. He had indeed made his choice. "If I can't physically be with you there, then I need to physically be with you here and now." Her blue eyes had never held him so tightly as they demanded him to embrace her. As he pulled her close, Mulder felt shocked at how fragile Scully's body felt. Fragile and then almost melting into his own. He kissed tears from her face and could not tell if they were hers or his own. He wiped them away with his fingers, and looked deeply into Scully's eyes, his eyes mirroring the need to find at least the promise of the truth that lay between them here and now. He truly for once in his time with Scully could not see the future. Scully allowed him to gently pick her up and carry her to her bed. He slipped her clothes from her silently, reverently, one by one, each item that had touched her body he caressed and lay on her chair. As she stood in her silk bra and panties, he loosened his shirt and pressed his warmth against her as she helped him remove his clothes. They stood there naked for a moment in the darkened bedroom, illuminated only by the streetlights from outside, naked and open to each other. Bodies naked and faces naked with a love and despair that can only come from those that dare love this much in a world that threatens that love. Mulder turned back the covers and pulled Scully in with him, his eyes never leaving her face as his hands began claiming her as if for the first time. Never had her breasts seemed so round and soft, never had the curve of her waist so enthralled him. How could the small of her back make him quiver so? Her smell, her breath, everything about her was of an essence that was necessary for his life. And he was leaving her? "Don't think, Mulder." she whispered, as if reading his thoughts. "Let's just be. Let's just be for a few hours." There was no arguing with Scully as she took him and pulled him inside her, so warm and wet that his vision went black from the sensation of it. It seemed as if she held him there for hours, coaxing him, opening to him, stroking him in ways that made him know there had never been a love like this before him. In every way, she was revealing herself, her strength, her need, her power, her fragility, her doubts and her faith. It was if she were placing a permanent physical and mental imprint of her self, inside and outside his body. He would not be going anywhere alone from this day forward. ---------------------------------------------- As the dawn broke and they lay arms, legs, bodies still joined, Scully whispered, "I have something else I want you to have." Mulder almost moaned, "Scully I don't think that's possible. I don't think I can..." "Shhhh," she quieted him and then he felt a cool light sensation go around his neck. Scully's cross. "Don't say a word." Scully's eyes flashed a warning as she saw Mulder's lips part to speak and perhaps protest. He turned to face her in the growing morning light which made her eyes glow cornflower blue and her cheeks sparkle with their constellation of freckles. He had never loved her more. The completely humble look on Mulder's face let Scully know he understood the significance of all her actions of the night and morning. She slowly unwound herself from him and moved silently to her bathroom. She opened all the faucets at full force, filling the room with a roaring and opaque blankets of steam that completely obscured the sounds coming from her bedroom, and then ultimately the quiet closing of her front door. They never said goodbye, she and Mulder. After countless telephone calls, meetings and partings, in cars, planes and offices, Scully couldn't think of one time when they parted with trite words, false assurances or just simply those over used words, that ordinary people used. Good Bye. They just knew from the beginning that the mere disconnection of a phone, or physical distances between them didn't necessarily mean a separation. They in fact never were apart, she mused as the waters ran over her hair and body. She silently smiled to herself as the steam and the memory of Mulder made her skin glow. She felt him upon her still and knew he felt the same. No need for goodbye. No, Mulder thought as he made his way down to Skinner's waiting car. He knew this morning they both knew more than ever that no matter what happened, today, tomorrow or years to come that they could never be parted if they didn't both choose to say those words. Good Bye. And as he gently fingered the shining cross around his neck, he was willing to bet his life that they never would. --------------------------------------------- This was their weakest moment and now I imagine both strengthened to face the uncertain future. Mulder and Scully will never feel victims. They both will fight in their own way to get back what they both hold most dear... not only their love, but the truth. No fear of a soap opera here, CC...I see the possibility for a true 21st century Homeric Odyssey. I'm writing towards that end. What do you think?