***************************************************************** This author's e-mail address has changed to: rn500@usa.net ***************************************************************** Subject: NEW: "Penance" by L. Phillips From: "RN500" Date: 5 Oct 1997 04:03:31 GMT Inspired by the recent airing of "Ascension" on the FX channel, I submit the following for your approval..... Title: PENANCE Author: Linda Phillips Rating: G Classification: V/A Keywords: Mulder / Scully Friendship Spoilers: Ascension, Little Green Men Summary: Mulder deals with Scully's abduction. Disclaimer: The X-Files and it's characters are the property of Chris Carter, Fox Television, and 1013 Productions. I'm just borrowing them for a little while. ************ Comments to Linda at rn500@ozline.net ************ He rises, the darkness a familiar, uncomfortable cocoon he has learned to travel in. In his realm, the darkness does not bring respite. His sleep is only a brief silence before the thunder rouses him and the lightning jolts him awake. He is drawn to a thin sliver of light cast by a streetlamp through the blinds. Parting the narrow bands of metal, he peers out at the slow spin of the world at night. The world he does not feel a part of. His feet shuffle along the well-known path in the carpet, the one he walks several times a night. The routine he follows until his mind uncoils and the sweat dries and he can rest again. Tonight, though, he stops in front of the dark screen and quiet keyboard. He has something he must say. There is no way to send the message to the one it is intended for. But he must say it, nevertheless. Sitting down, he pushes a button, flips on a switch. The screen comes to ghostly life. His fingers caress the keys for a moment as he stares vacantly into the darkness. Then, looking down, he begins to type. ~~~~~~~~~ I see you everywhere. I hear your cries in my sleep. I wake up in a terrified sweat, sure that I've let some clue slip through my fingers. Then I lie awake for hours, searching, reliving every moment. What should I have done differently? How could I have let this happen? I don't know why it still surprises me when I awaken. It happens nearly every night. In the daylight, it's different. Time passes more quickly. Sometimes twenty or thirty minutes go by before I realize that I haven't thought about you. Suddenly, my head snaps up from whatever I'm doing, and I remember. I close my eyes so that I can bring your image into focus. Then there are the bad days. The days when I must twist the knife into myself until I feel the warm blood run. The days when I remember that I don't deserve thirty minutes of peace. Those are the days I remove the tape player from my briefcase and hold it up to my ear, the volume low so that only I can hear. "Mulder! I need your help!" I picture your face as you called me. I can feel your fear. That's the worst part. My brave Scully, so afraid. I've never seen you that way. I have to imagine what you looked like. I force myself to see the terror in your eyes. It is my penance. It's only fair. You are the one suffering, for my sins. All that keeps me from going insane is that I believe you know I would trade myself for you in a heart beat. And that you know I will never give up. You are not dead. I will not believe it, because it isn't true. I still feel you. You still call me. It is impossible for me not to answer. You came to me not long ago in a dream. A hot, tropical dream, thousands of miles away, full of the fears of a wish come true. You touched me. And then it was real. You came to me, to save me. From them. From myself. All that stood between death and me, was you. I knew then. There is no way to sever this tie we have, this connection that is more than flesh and bone. You saved me. You believed me. You believed *in* me. How could I do any less for you? People have stopped asking me their absurd questions. "Have you heard anything about Scully?" "Is there any news about Dana?" They are tired of my incredulous stare. As if my peers didn't already have enough reasons to doubt my sanity, I think the look on my face convinces them that I have gone over the edge. But what did they expect? Did they actually think that if I had the tiniest clue to your whereabouts, I would be standing there talking to them? That I would still wander the halls like the walking dead if you were here? I have looked everywhere. I've used every source. But they've hidden you too well. Too far away. Sometimes the inconceivable thought sneaks around my defenses, the thought I would never consciously allow. What if I can't reach where you are? But I won't stop trying. I can't. I mustn't fail you. Because I know you're waiting for me. ~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder's hand moves the mouse, clicks on 'Close'. The electronic reminder flashes. 'Save Changes To Doc1.Doc?' The cursor moves over the word 'No', hovers there. Then, slowly, changes direction. 'Yes' Saved. The screen fades. The machine-hum ceases. He rises, to walk the path again. ************ End Yes, feedback is appreciated! Send roses or thorns to Linda at rn500@ozline.net