From: "Donna Gerbino" Date: Tue, 4 Jul 2000 21:19:58 -0400 Subject: Penitent by Donna Marie Source: direct TITLE: PENITENT AUTHOR: DonnaMarie RATING: PG CATEGORY: MSR Vignette, Scully angst DISTRIBUTION: Sure, just let me know! FEEDBACK: I'd love some but this is my first fanfic, so please be gentle! darlindg@excite.com SPOILERS: Post En Ami SUMMARY: Scully deals with the repercussions of her actions in En Ami. NOTES: This is the my first piece of fanfic. I have been a big fan for a long time and was finally inspired to try my hand at it. Not as easy as I thought it would be. I would like to thank my best friend Jen for encouraging me to listen to the creative voice screaming for me to JUST DO IT! DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully and the Xfiles do not belong to me - they belong to FOX and 1013. PENITENT The silence in the apartment was deafening. She sat on the couch; exhaustion and guilt her only companions. She could hear the water running in the bathroom. He had been in there for half an hour. They hadn't spoken a word on the drive back to his apartment. The decision to return there a silent given. She had sat in the passenger seat speechless in her shock. She had been duped. The unflappable Dana Scully had been tricked. It wasn't pride that made the truth so hard to accept. It was the fact that all her life she had considered herself a remarkably astute individual. She was not quick to attribute it to anything as romantic as a sixth sense, but she would admit to a heightened intuition. Yet she hadn't seen it coming -- and she should have. After seven years she should have seen it coming from a mile away. She sighed. How had it come to this? If she could have the last 24 hours back -- Who was she kidding? She would have done it all over again. The need to know was overpowering. Even if it meant conspiring with a man who had become to her the epitome of pure evil. The man who had given her the deadly disease she would carry around with her for the rest of her life. The man who had orchestrated the creation and ultimate destruction of a child she barely knew. The only child she would ever know. And yet, she had felt pity for him. She had trusted him. And now she was paying for it -- so very dearly. Her head suddenly felt extremely heavy. She laid her head back and closed her eyes. How long was he going to stay in there? She had never seen him so angry. Their partnership had seen its share of disagreements. She wouldn't venture a guess at how many times they had exchanged heated words and criticisms over the past seven years. But this time it was different. It was more than anger over a difference of opinion. She had never ditched him before. That was his MO -- always running off in search of his Holy Grail. So what crime had she committed? Why did she feel as though she were being condemned for rocking the very foundation of everything they both held dear? She knew the answer even before her guilt ridden conscious could create a feeble defense. She had done the unthinkable. She had lied to him. When she first arrived at his apartment, she was gripped by an all-encompassing fear. She must have stood in the hallway for fifteen minutes before she finally found the courage to knock. What if he didn't understand? What if he couldn't forgive? Surprisingly, Frohike answered the door. He barely looked her in the eye. Byers and Langly had been huddled in the corner studying God knows what and they looked up as she entered the room. Her stomach muscles contracted as the tension became unbearable. Byers and Langly saw him first. She followed their line of sight as she turned on her heels and found him standing in the doorway to the bedroom, not a foot away. Their eyes locked. And in his look she saw not anger, not hurt, but something far worse. Disappointment. And her heart erupted in a silent scream. He broke eye contact first and walked slowly into the room. She could hear her voice, tight and controlled, as she recounted the events of the last 24 hours. She ventured a glance in his direction but he would not return the favor. He stood in the doorway, staring straight ahead - seething. She could feel the torrent of emotions radiating off of him. She felt her whole body begin to shake and slowly eased herself onto the couch. She stared at the floor waiting for a word from him. Please just scream or shout - do something, she pleaded silently. Speak to me. She looked up to find Frohike standing over her, hand outstretched. He wanted the computer disk. She felt an overwhelming urge to laugh. The disk -- her Holy Grail -- how unimportant it seemed now. And in the end it had proved to be just that - useless. The disk was empty. She could barely remember grabbing her keys and running out the door, with Mulder not far behind. She drove to the offices that just a day ago, had been bustling with secretaries and commandos alike. Empty like the disk. Like her heart. What have I done? She sighed again and doubled over, holding her weary head in her hands. She squeezed her eyes tight, releasing hot tears. Quiet sobs escaped her throat and she prayed to whoever or whatever was listening, to please make things right between them. She didn't hear the door open in the next room. She didn't hear the silent footsteps making their way towards the old leather couch. In her sorrow, she didn't notice her partner standing over her, watching her. She felt the cushion sag from his weight as he sat down next to her. With a deep breath, she raised her head and wiped away her tears, desperately trying to regain her composure. She felt him watching her but couldn't bring herself to face him. With thumb and forefinger placed gently under her chin, Mulder slowly turned her head, forcing her to confront him. Hesitantly, she met his gaze and was unnerved by the intensity she saw there. Closing her eyes, she whispered a plea - Forgive me. He leaned in towards her, stopping millimeters from her face and uttered his reply - Always.