From: Dhcmoon Date: 10 Feb 2001 13:56:27 GMT Subject: NEW: Per Manum BADFIC by Sister Moon TITLE: Per Manum Badfic AUTHOR: Sister Moon E-MAIL: Dhcmoon@aol.com KEYWORDS: Spoilers from Per Manum, Extremely Snarky & Bitter Humor SUMMARY: Having read (and hated) the big spoilers from Per Manum, I've taken matters into my OWN hands....so to speak..... WARNING: Do NOT read this if you're spoiler free for "Per Manum" and you wanna stay that way. "The X-Files" Episode 8x8: "Pure Manure" Written by: The Man Without A Clue (or one of his clueless minions) Directed by: Some Poor Bastard Starring: Two Talented Actors Who Deserve Much Better Adapted by: A Disgruntled Fan Whose Only Outlet For Her Disgust is Fanfic First Scene opens in Mulder's apartment. It's a Saturday afternoon and Mulder is watching his beloved Knicks play on television. The doorbell rings. He groans at the interruption but goes to the door and peers out his peephole, opening the door immediately and we see: Scully, who stands in his doorway looking nervous......or sour.....or bored.....or like a Goddess (depending on whether the viewer is your average Joe Six-pack, a Mulderist, a Noromo, or a member of the OBSSE) Mulder (pleasantly surprised): C'mon in, Scully, I was just watching the game....(then sensing her mood) Everything okay? Scully (visibly nervous, her gaze keeps dropping from his): Um....yeah, Mulder. I'm fine. I just need to discuss something with you.....it's a little hard.... Mulder gives Scully his Patented Concerned Look, leans in close to her and puts his hand on her face (for the millionth time): What is it Scully? You know you can talk to me about anything. Scully's lips tremble dramatically as she speaks: Well......even though I'm a devout Catholic and don't believe in unwed motherhood.....and even though I have a chip in my neck with which the aliens can call me to them whenever they want....and even though we have a highly dangerous job that takes me away from home frequently and about a million enemies who would love to see us dead, I've suddenly decided I want a baby. Like NOW. Right now. And I've also decided I want you to be the baby's father. Mulder is both shocked and incredibly moved. Scully wants HIS baby! He whispers her name as he moves in even closer, lowering his head to kiss her. He's finally going to have everything he's ever wanted..........he feels something press against his chest as Scully pulls back from him slightly. He looks down and sees that she's holding a small plastic cup with a lid against his chest. Scully: So....do you think you can fill this now? The doctor's waiting for me at his office. I'm ready for the procedure as soon as I can bring him the sample. Mulder (crestfallen): *Sample*? Scully raises an eyebrow in reply: Well, yeah, Mulder. What did you think I meant? I know you're in love with me and it's incredibly self-absorbed and callous of me to even *think* this much less say it out loud, but I really don't want *you*. Just your sperm. Mulder: (dejected but trying not to let it show): Oh. The camera pans in for a close-up of Scully's hand grabbing Mulder's (for the billionth time.) Scully (with deep sincerity): But you still are and always will be...you know, my touchstone...or whatever.... Mulder is amazingly soothed by this. There is a hint of a smile when he looks back at her. Mulder: Okay, I'll do it then. But before we do this, I need to know something... Scully: Yeah? Mulder: I want to know that nothing is gonna change between us....and on the X-files. I want things to stay the exact same way they have been for these past eight years, where nothing ever changes between us, no matter what happens....even though that defies all reason and logic..... Scully: I promise, Mulder. Nothing will change. I'll need about two weeks' leave, tops, to give birth, then I'll be ready to drop everything and go off with you on a moment's notice anywhere we need to go on assignment. No matter how far away or how dangerous or for how long. I'll just drop the kid at my Mom's or the Gunmen's or something. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Mulder: That's good enough for me. (He takes the cup from Scully's hand.) Give me a couple minutes in the bedroom, I'll be right back. Mulder walks into the bedroom and there is a break for commercial. Annoying Yuppy Car Commercial Excruciatingly Loud Burger King Commercial Local Newsbreak Fox Promo for Ally McBeal (featuring the very cute and talented yet troubled Robert Downey Jr.) Mildly Amusing Beer Commercial Fox Promo for their latest obnoxious assault on human decency Back to our show: Mulder comes out of the bedroom and discreetly hands Scully the cup. Scully: That was fast! Mulder (trademark wisecracking smirk): I've got it down to a science, Scully. A solitary tear rolls daintily down Scully's cheek (for the billionth time): Mulder, I can't thank you enough for this. This means everything to me. Mulder draws Scully into his arms (for the zillionth time) and kisses her forehead (for the gazillionth time) Mulder: You know I'd do anything for you, Scully. Just as I know you'd do anything you could to help me if I were ever hypothetically in dire trouble and needed you. I know that no matter what, you'd *never* give up on me....you'd move heaven and earth to save me. Scully (looking suddenly guilty): Of course, Mulder. That goes without saying. She pulls out of his arms, gripping the cup tightly. Scully: I'd better get this to the doctor. Thanks again, Mulder. Mulder (another wisecracking smirk): Pleasure was all mine.... Mulder walks Scully to the door. Mulder: Scully, do you want me to come with you to the doctor's office? I'd be happy to---- Scully (interruping him, distracted): No, I've gotten all I need from you Mulder. Thanks anyway. Bye.... Mulder watches her hurry down the hall as we: Fade to Black..... The show's creator boots up his computer and heads for the nearest XF chatroom, cackling evilly........ The show's principals sit back in their respective homes and count their money........ The show's viewers roll their eyes and shake their heads in disbelief.......at least one of them contemplates taking a baseball bat to her television set but then remembers that a new "Buffy" is coming up on Tuesday (featuring the ever popular Spike who gets yummier every week).......... The show's fanfic writers desperately try to find a way to make it all better..................... End