From Glymax@aol.com Tue Mar 11 17:57:06 1997 Subject: Perspectives III: Resiliency From: Glymax@aol.com Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 18:57:06 -0500 (EST) -------- Perspectives III: Resiliency By: Glymax and Anne Cologna Comments to: Glymax@aol.com Rating: PG-13 Classification: V, A Spoilers/Timeline: spoilers for One Breath and Firewalker. Set in the second season Relationship: Platonic Summary: Scully has difficulty adjusting after her abduction. Acknowledgements: Thanks as always to Glymax from Anne for inviting me on the journey. It has been and always will be a pleasure. :^D Disclaimer: The characters and situations described are the property of 1013 Productions and Fox. No profit will be recognized from the writing of this story. Archivists: Please post to Gossamer under Glymax and Cologna, Anne Stef - here you go! Lisa - please post to EMXC Perspectives: Resiliency I'm back. I've returned. I don't know from where. There is fear for me to reveal the mysteries of my journey. But I have returned. To my family, my job, my life. Many reasons. Personal. Professional. At one time I could separate them, compartmentalize them into distinct entities. Work was work. After the difficult cases I would take the emotion home, transfer the emotion into my keyboard and make my fingers ache with the punching of keys. The closing of the laptop signified the end of the justifications I put forth. I would drown the lingering effects in the comforting sensation of a hot bath, letting the EBE's, flukes and alien fetus swirl down the drain. Rarely did work enter my home. Tooms, yes, he was there. I still remember checking the vents and windows for weeks after, the embarrassment of my irrational fear warring with the solid truth of his confinement in a psychiatric hospital. I was able to put that fear aside eventually. The last time I saw my father, it was in my home. I can smell the dinner I made for him, feel the stiff hug he gave me. I see him sitting on the chair speaking soundlessly to me. I've only fallen asleep on my couch once after that, and I dreamt I could hear those words, words of love and fatherly pride reserved only for me, his Starbuck. It was easier to keep my personal life separate. Not severed from work, but my home was a sanctuary, my source of rejuvenation. My comfortable blanket from Grandma, the sentimental pictures, a plant surviving from residency, just as resilient as I was. Resiliency. I've recovered some of that. But this belief is fragile, uncertain. Tonight I sat at my desk for the first time. Nothing heavy on the agenda, just some file reviewing Mulder had finally offered once he realized I was going with him to the mountain range. His enthusiasm toward the X-Files has dimmed. He is cautious with me, regarding me as vulnerable, as if the lightest teasing would be fatal. He senses my frustration at not knowing what happened to me, at times appearing to share my worry. His tentativeness is exceeded only by his regret when mentioning a topic with which I am not familiar - the baseball strike, the Halloween party I missed, a journal article from September. I believe he wants to ease me in to the flow slowly. I even offered to fill out his 302's and time sheets, hoping his loathing of paperwork would allow me some small path back into work. It took the entire day to convince him to allow me the simple task of reviewing the file. A strange mix of sensations - the familiarity of our battling wills, the discomfort of his protectiveness. Still he did not relent, only changing his mind earlier this evening. I invited him in when he stopped by, but he mentioned some UFO group meeting he wanted to attend. The tones of my computer sounded - a welcome doorbell for the work world I was to re-enter. I wanted to ease the sensation of unfamiliarity, to recover my lost routines. My password protection box appeared on the screen, and I pressed the letters of my username. SCULLYDI. "Invalid Username". A snort of frustration. My fingers were out of practice, but they quickly found the rhythm again. SCULLYDK "Password" My right index finger rose to press the key. I stared at it, expecting it to move to the proper site and start the automatic entry. My eyes darted back and forth between my right and left hands, both poised on the home keys. I didn't know which key to press. My imagination produced a thousand possibilities - deceased pets, Moby Dick references, favorite songs, birth dates, old boyfriends....My fingers gained momentum with each attempt, working so fast that the SCULLYDK's twisted with the physics terminology, the muscle groups, and the QuincyMD we joked of in med school. I stared at the monitor again. I could barely see the outline of my head on the screen. I tried to block the vision of the shock that must have been reflected on my face. I swallowed, hoping to send the panic rising in me back to its source. My mind furiously conjured up inane offerings, perhaps a defensive maneuver against the wall of uncertainty threatening to overtake me. SCULLYDK TRUSTNO1. I knew this was Mulder's password. I remembered typing it the first time, hesitantly, somewhat disbelievingly that it could be that simple, but so perfectly Mulder that it couldn't be anything else. "Access denied. Username locked out." Locked out of my files? My memories? My life? It's true. I have three months of emptiness, a swirling vortex surrounding me. Only now it is not around me. It's inside of me. The visions I once conjured up without conscious inclination are no longer at my command. I am at once too much and not enough. I am the emptiness. I am full of feeling, of emotion, locked inside for so long. But I can no longer find it. I am lost. Lost in the emotion at first. Then I realize that the fullness is really an emptiness. A cycle. I am full of emptiness. I stare ahead, looking at my hands, but I am blind to the secrets they keep. My body knows what it has experienced, yet my mind is innocent. I search for the truth. My truth. My truth that may be Ultimate truth. For me. For Samantha. For Mulder. His protectiveness of me is protective of both of us. Not to be separated. Our joining multiplies our strength exponentially. With him I am more powerful, more determined, more believing. He is right. I have the strength of his beliefs. Mulder. My partner. The one I trust. SCULLYDK "Password" TRUSTONE "Access Granted." -End