From: Scully4946@aol.com
Date: Sun, 3 Jun 2001 15:57:28 EDT
Subject: Phobia
Source: direct

F.B.I. Headquarters

Special Agents Mulder and Scully were called into A.D. Skinner's office for 
their latest assignment. "There has been some sort of strange outbreak of 
phobia's to taxis in the New York region. So now taxi drivers are unemployed 
and resorting to violence and crime. So, just get your butts out there and do 
what you twisted freaks normally do," Skinner said. 
In New York, Scully was driving for once, when she suddenly swerved and 
slammed into a fire hydrant. Mulder, desperately trying to get back on top of 
his seat (which proves the need of seat belts), asked,"Why'd you do that?"
"There was a cow! In the middle of the road!" She yelled hysterically.
"I think that this is the Smoking Man's doing," Mulder said.
"What makes you say that?" Scully asked, annoyed and skeptical.
"Uh....well, because he's riding away on top of a cow," Mulder said, 
pointing. Sure enough, the Smoking Man was riding at full gallop (at least, 
full gallop for a cow) down the abandoned streets of New York. Back at the 
hotel, there was a huge crowd chanting,"Burn the taxis, burn the taxis!" to 
the rhythm of Elmer Fudd's "Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit!" All of a 
sudden, a herd of cows came charging toward the scene (the rioter, at the 
time, were rampaging a taxi cab). Then Scully heroically whipped out a gun 
and shot one of them in the leg.
"Ow! My foot!" shouted the cow, in pain.
"Skinner?" Mulder asked.
"You're dang right it's me!" Skinner yelled as he took off his cow costume. 
Then, the whole syndicate took off their costumes. "The only reason I'm doing 
this is because the First Elder is sick and I was the only sucker who would 
agree to fill in for him," he explained.
"Traitor," the Smoking Man mumbled (who refused to take off his costume 
because he claimed that it had the distinct odor of his former grandmother). 
Then, as fast as aliens colonizing the world, Scully did a triple back flip 
and shot Skinner in the other foot.
"Sorry. Couldn't resist," Scully said. Mulder then heard this strange, 
tarzan-like noise when Bill Jr. came swinging down on a rope, trying to grab 
Scully in mid-swing. Unfortunately, he missed and picked up the injured 
Skinner, as they both crashed into a telephone pole. Bill Scully, on the 
brink of unconsciousness, mumbled,"You'll be sorry for this, Mr. Mulder," 
then, obviously hallucinating, he broke into song,"I'm a barbie girl, in a 
barbie world......!"
At the hospital, Mulder and Bill were having a long, intelligent, and very 
mature disagreement.
"Did too!" Bill shouted.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Why would I personally rig it so that you missed Scully and crashed into a 
pole?" Mulder asked.
"I don't know and I don't care! All I know is that I was in the Navy and 
everything I say and do is right!"
"Yeah, considering that you can't tell the difference between your sister and 
her boss!"
"Watch what you say for I have ingeniously devised a way to get rid of you. I 
have trained a whole herd of donkeys to get rid of FBI agents. Eat that!" 
Bill yelled proudly.
"Well good job, Einstein!" Mulder said sarcastically. "Too bad your sister is 
an FBI agent, too!"
"Oh, minor details!"
Scully then walked into the room and said that it was time that they leave. 
In the car, Mulder says,"Scully, I really can't wait until you get out of 
this feminism stage and let me drive again. No offense, but your driving 
skills are bordering on the line of Stinksville."
"First of all, that was the most retarded thing I've ever heard you say. 
Second of all, I crash into one fire hydrant and I'm scarred for life, but 
you can get us almost killed every day and it doesn't matter," she said. "I'm 
a great driver and you know it." Just then, they crash into a cow. When the 
other surrounding cows see their friend injured, they got mad and chased 
Mulder and Scully. They stopped running after them when the injured cow 
finally recovered and caught up to his pals to tell them the good news. Back 
at the hospital, a huge crowd of mid-aged donkeys came stampeding through the 
window. 
"Ok, my dear friends. Go and finish off that Mulder freak who is planning to 
take my sister from me." A few seconds passed and he yelled,"Go you blooming 
morons!" You see, when called a moron, donkeys tend to take that person who 
called them that and charge into the Ohio border which is their natural 
habitat. But Bill Jr. does have some common sense, so he used some of it and 
crawled under the bed. Finally, after a long time of struggling to lift up 
the bed, the donkeys gave up and left. 
In the meantime, Scully was pouting and murmuring something about sexist 
pig's because Mulder basically forced her into the passenger seat so that he 
could drive "without bodily damage". After awhile of leisurely talking about 
aliens, monsters, and their past encouterings with the both of them, the 
Smoking Man (on top of a cow) landed on the hood of their car by parachute.
"What is up with the freakin' cows?!" Mulder demanded.
"If only you knew," the Smoking Man said. "They are out for revenge."
"Revenge on what?" Scully asked. 
"How should I know?" he asked after coughing hysterically from inhaling too 
much of his Morley.
"Then why are you involved in this over-elaborate scheme?" Mulder asked.
"HELLOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I'm always a part of the bad things that happen! I don't 
know why, but I do know that it's a hunkin' load of fun!" Since the Smoking 
Man was still on the hood of the car, he took out his portable chainsaw and 
cut out a hole so that he could crawl inside and then drove off. That night, 
at the hotel, the rioters were still chanting when the cows finally decided 
to tell them why they were out for revenge, but because noone can understand 
the language of the cow, they got a translator.
The translator said,"We are getting revenge because we want to be the main 
source of transportation. So that's why we brainwashed the fellow residents 
of New York to be afraid of public transportation. Now, if you LOSERS don't 
understand what we are saying, bite us!"
"Spunky little cows, aren't they?" Mulder said.
Scully, ignoring him, said,"Ok, I heard that Japan has a shortage of 
transportation. Send them there."
After the translator told this to the cows, he said,"No! We will not settle 
for some stinky, hinkety-pinkety place in Japan!"
"Well, that was as clear as mud,"Mulder said sarcastically.
"Mulder, SHUTUP!!!" Scully yelled. Anyway, what basically happened was that 
the government granted that the cows be given a trial period, but the cows 
got sick of the little kids who kept begging for more milk. They then 
returned to their home in Ohio. So, kiddies, everything is A-ok. At least, 
until next week. Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

The moral of this story is.......um.........(nervous laughter).....well, tune 
in next time for my story and there will be one.