From: Lauren <lnn0@desales.edu>
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 17:13:04 -0400
Subject: Pieces of the Soul by Lauren Newby
Source: direct

Title: Pieces of the Soul

By Lauren Newby

Written on 4/29/02

Key Words: Post- ep William, MSR, some Scully POV

Rated: G

Spoilers: Up to William. But Forget about Jump the Shark- that NEVER
took place in my mind. LONG LIVE THE LONE GUNMEN!

Summary: Scully's lost Mulder and given up their only son. What
extreme will she go to be with Mulder again?

Disclaimer: No they're not mine- oh, but if they were! Well, it's OK
now, though, because we've learned CC's the biggest 'shipper of us
all!

Dedication: to Leslie and Lesley, my online X-File buds. :D

Feedback: YES PLEASE! lnn0@desales.edu (this is my updated e-mail
address for all my stories. Any other addy has since been terminated.
Please send all mail here.. thanks!)

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Back when I was young, I thought I was a whole person. I thought that
I could fight for myself, stand up for myself; that I didn't need
anyone, and that the support of my family was enough.

Now I know that I was so wrong.

My soul was not complete. I didn't know how to trust completely, how
to love, or truly how to accept that love in return. I truly was a Ice
Queen, I was afraid to show emotion for fear of my job; for fear of
being seen as week.  Then, I walked into the basement of the J Edgar
Hoover building, and my life was changed forever.

I never knew my soul was half missing until I came face to face with
the missing piece. It wasn't love at first site, or even lust, but
rather the unbeatable feeling that this man was going to be very
important to my future.  He taught me so many things, he made me
whole. He showed me how to be myself and do what's right, though
others may not know it. He taught me to take risks. My biggest risk of
all: loving him.

It was a risk that was worth every second we had, though our time was
short.  Even as we were out chasing UFO's in Oregon, I was telling
myself that we could have a normal life. When I found out I was
pregnant, it convinced me we could have a normal life. Even when
Mulder rose from the dead I told myself that from then on in, it would
be normal.

I was so wrong. We know too much, have seen too much, to ever live a
normal life. I know that now.

Even William and his birth were surrounded by impossible and unnerving
circumstances. But there was Mulder, flying in on his white horse, and
I told myself that we would live happily ever after. That was all I
really wanted for once. And on that day, another man entered my life,
to whom I gave a part of my soul.

And then it all fell apart.

To keep us safe, Mulder left. I couldn't bear being away from that
missing piece of my soul. I was empty, afraid, sad. But I had the
other man in my life, my William, to keep me sane and grounded. He was
my life, something I had fought for harder than I'd ever fought
before. And I finally fought for him one last time. I fought myself.

I gave him up for adoption. I gave my baby away. And I cry every
night.

It was for him, it's always been for him. But now, he'll have the
chance to live the life I can never give him. I was foolish and
selfish to think that bringing a child into my life, muddled with
danger and conspiracy, was the right thing. So, though I may never
truly be the same again, I did what was right for him, and gave him
the life I could never promise him, no matter how hard I prayed and
wished. I let a part of my soul go to complete strangers. A part of me
died.

Now, I have made another life altering decision. I have to find
Mulder. He has to know what I know now. I have to see him in person to
tell him... to tell him that I gave his only son to complete
strangers. I can't fathom how he will react. Will he understand? Will
he never want to see me again? Will he search for William?

All I know is that I must be with him. He is all that is left between
me and oblivion. My job holds no fascination for me, and there is
nothing left to fight for. No love, no family. I can not bring myself
to tell my mother yet. I can barely still believe it myself. But I
must be with him.

I couldn't sleep at night, so I started digging. I found names,
addresses, times places. I think I've found him. No one knows where
I'm going, or what I've done. But they will. I just have to be with
him.

xxxxxxxxx

Scully closed the journal on her computer then shut it down. Slowly,
she picked up a small vile next to her computer. Inside was a small
computer chip and de-ionized water. She carefully wrapped it in bubble
wrap, and put it in a small brown envelope. She was determined and
quiet. She stuffed a small note in with it, and sealed the envelope.

Scully got up, and placed the envelope on the duffel bag by the door.
She slowly walked to the shut door next to her bedroom. She leaned her
head against the door to the nursery, and a tear slipped down her
face. She still couldn't bring herself to go in there. She wiped away
her tears, and took one last look around her apartment. As she did so,
her left hand went to the back of her neck, feeling the small bandage
there. Slowly, she turned and picked up the duffel bag and envelope,
and left her apartment.

xxxxxxxxxx

Dogget wasn't exactly sure what to do with the envelope that had been
placed on his door step sometime during the night. He was pretty sure
that the handwriting on the outside of the envelope was Scully's, but
the circumstances of the envelope made him suspicious. Finally, his
curiosity won out and he slowly opened it.

Out dropped a small note as he carefully slid out the bubble wrapped
item. He opened the note first.

John, This is now a matter of life and death. These last few days have
been the hardest of my life. Giving up William nearly broke me. So
I've done the only thing I can, the only thing that will keep me sane.

I've gone to look for Mulder.

Don't come after me. It's dangerous enough that I do this. I already
know they're watching me. But I need you now more than you know.

I've enclosed a micro-chip in de-ionized water in this package. That
chip is the key to my life. I now believe, as Mulder had, that that
chip caused my cancer to go into remission. I also believe that it can
be used to locate me, which is why I've had it removed. I have only a
short amount of time, maybe only a few weeks, with which to find
Mulder. After that, I will be reassaulted by the cancer, and I will
need to re-implant the chip.

I beg of you to keep this chip safe for me. I must see Mulder again,
if only to tell him what has become of our son.

I will contact you. Do not try to find me. If a year has passed, you
must assume Mulder and I are dead.

Thank you, John, for all you have done.

Dana

Dogget could not believe his eyes. Carefully he unwrapped the vial,
and saw at the bottom, a small micro-chip floating in the water. Still
examining it, he pulled out his phone and dialed.

"Skinner."

"Sir, I think you better get over here. We have a problem."

fin

~X~x~X~x~X~
MULDER: Who cut the cheese? 
SCULLY: Since you won't be making it to the conference... 
MULDER: Partaaayyy! 
SCULLY: However, I must remind you this goes against the Bureau's policy of male and female agents consorting in the same motel room while on assignment. 
MULDER: Try any of that Tailhook crap on me, Scully, I'll kick your ass. 
-Detour