My sister and I wrote this story while spying on our neighbors.  The green
creature, the cow, the crabs, and the lizard are mine.  Nikki the dragon belongs to El
Juno.  You should know who owns everybody else. :)  Don't take this story too
seriously.  It's meant to be stupid.  It was also written right after lunch.  Guess what
we had!  :)

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PIES, OR, JANE-YI AND VENUS VERMILION HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR


        That extra helping of eel pie at Scully's mom's house had been a mistake,
Mulder realized as he got up and headed towards the bathroom.  He turned on the
light and blinked.  The bathroom wasn't there anymore.  Instead he was in the
middle of somebody's kitchen.  He wondered whose.  That question was answered
when a three-headed green furry creature wearing a chef's hat came in.  It was
completely oblivious to Mulder, but instead went straight to the refrigerator and
opened it.  "Oh dear," the creature muttered.  "I seem to be out of eels.  Whatever
shall I use in my eel pie?  Now I will never be able to win first prize at the fair!!" 
The creature covered it's three faces with its seven hands and cried.
        Mulder walked over to the creature and tapped one of its seven shoulders.
"Maybe I can help," he said, wondering what he was getting into.
        The green thing sized him up with its nine eyes.  "Hmm, maybe you're right," it
said.  "You'd make a delightful pie!"
        Before Mulder could say anything, he found himself crammed into a pie pan
and put in to bake at 375 degrees for an hour.  The oven was hot, but not as hot as
he knew it should have felt.  This had to be a dream.  He pinched himself.  Nothing
happened.  Then he must have fallen asleep or something, because the next thing
Mulder knew he was on a table with dozens of other desserts.  No one was
watching except for a jersey cow, which was tied to a tree several yards away, so he
lifted the crust and climbed out of the pie.
He washed himself off in the cow's drinking water.  Suddenly a small dragon landed
on his shoulder.  "I'm lost," the dragon said.  "Can you help me find my way to the
Other Underwears, Level Two exhibits?  My entry is there and I need to get back in
time for the judging."
        "Dragons wear underwear?" Mulder asked, scratching his head.
        "Of course we do," the dragon said.  "Now hurry up, or I'll miss the judging!"
        "I can't help you, you freak!" Mulder exclaimed, swatting at the dragon.
        "Hey, watch it!" the dragon squawked.  She breathed a cloud of fire that
reduced two Honeybuckets and the jersey cow to ashes.  
        Mulder decided he had had enough.  Then he heard a loud voice over an
intercom.  
        "Pies will be judged at the blue tent in five minutes!" it said.
        Mulder remembered the green furry creature.  He wandered toward the blue
tent.  Inside, he found it filled with horses and rhinoceroses.  "Hey, what's going on
here?" Mulder exlaimed.
        Suddenly a man came out from behind one of the horses.  Mulder recognized
him as Cancerman.
        "You!" he exclaimed, pointing at Mulder.  There was a cigarette in his other
hand.  "You're the one whose pie won over mine!  I slaved over the oven all day,
but do I win the horses or rhinos?  No!  You steal the prize my yak pie should have
won!  You'll pay for this!"  With that he climbed inside a horse and it ran off, leaving
Mulder standing there bewildered.  He pushed through the animals and his empty pie
with a blue ribbon on it.  He reached for the ribbon, but suddenly a glowing green
marble came flying toward him out of nowhere.
        "Yon say mue slowbach yor feat!" it hummed.
        "What did you say about my feet?" Mulder asked.  He made a grab for the
marble.  It dodged his hand and split into two pieces, which flew straight into the
empty pie.  Suddenly Mulder saw a blurry, transparent image.  He blinked, and it
focused and he realized it was the dragon.
        "Now you will pay!  You did not help me!  Now no one will help you!"  She
blew a flame that blinded him momentarily.  When Mulder could see again, he
realized that he was sitting in a coconut tree on a tiny tropical island. On the sand
below were dozens of tiny crabs.  They were dancing in a circle around the tree,
singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas".
        Mulder wanted to get out of the tree, but he was afraid the crabs would pinch
him.  The dragon's words echoed in his head.  Suddenly, above him, he saw a shiny,
round object.  It was a pie plate!  Inside it was a purple lizard.  The lizard was
chewing gum.
        "Hi.  What's your sign?" it asked, blowing a bubble.
        "Uh, I don't have one," Mulder answered flatly.  Was this little purple
amphibian hitting on him?
        The lizard eyed him critically.  "Gemini," she finally said.
        "Gesundheit," Mulder muttered, hoping she'd get the idea.  He looked down
and saw that the crabs had left.  He said to the lizard, "Where am I?  Who-" But she
had vanished in a blur of sticky pick strings.  Mulder was about to climb down when
he saw a giraffe materialize on the sand.  It walked toward the tree and, displaying
no interest in him, started eating the leaves. Getting an idea, Mulder climbed onto
the giraffe's neck.  A piercing shriek filled the salty air, and the giraffe turned into a
telephone pole.  Mulder sild down before he noticed that the crabs were gathered
around the pole with little flaming sticks.  He tried to scramble back up, but the
crabs chased him toward the water.
        The water was ice-cold, and then suddenly it was scorching hot!  Then Mulder
was being smothered by something soft and sweet-smelling.  He was in a pie!

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        So what do you think?  Should I try to get my sister to write another part with
me, or do we need to be committed?  Or both?

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        New part, new disclaimer.  The mermaid (most of the time, anyway) is mine.
The spider was created by VenusVermilion.  Have fun.  :)

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        Mulder started treading pie, wondering what he was going to do.  Suddenly he
saw Scully swimming toward him.  Only...she was a mermaid.  "What are you doing
here?"  Mulder asked.
        "I've come to help you in your journey," she said.  Her voice echoed, the way a
person's thoughts did in a sitcom.
        "Oh?" Mulder inquired.  He was having trouble keeping his eyes off the skimpy
halter-top Scully was wearing.
        "Welcome to Pieland," was all she replied.
        "Pieland?  You've got to be kidding me."
        Scully the mermaid waved her iridescent green tail impatiently.  "Do not doubt
what in the deepest confuses you the most."
        "Isn't that usually my line?"
        The mermaid grabbed Mulder's hand.  The pulled him gently toward the center
of the half-baked pie crust.  "You have a mission to complete before this pie is
done."
        "What's that?" Mulder asked.
        Scully reached into the dough and pulled out a map.  "This will help you find
the one thing I know you need right now," she said, handing it to him.
        "How do you know what I need?"
        "I'm psychic.  You need to find the Magic Mirror.  I will guide you all the way-
but not always in the form of a mermaid."  With that Scully smiled and disappeared.
        "Darn." Mulder muttered.  "She looked really great, too."  He looked down at
the map.  It was printed on a sheet of chocolate.  There was a path clearly drawn,
but Mulder couldn't find see any path in the real pie.  Then Mulder heard a noise.
        The crust ceiling was breaking open.  A bright light peeked inside the pie.
Studying the map closer, Mulder saw a starburst shape at the beginning of the path. 
He shrugged and began climbing out of the pie.
        When he got to the outside, Mulder looked around and saw that he was inside
an oven.  He wondered briefly if it was the pie and the oven that were unusually big,
or if he had become unusually small.  Mulder stared across the crust and saw the
path, leading to a pile of loose sugar.
        As he approached the mountain, Mulder began to suspect that it was him who
had shrunk, because the sugar crystals were the size of boulders.  Out of one of the
cubes popped a snake.  Its huge, pointed fangs sparkled in Mulder's face,
accompanying the glowing yellow eyes.
        Mulder jumped back.  Then the snake shimmered and before his eyes, became
a
swarm of bees, buzzing around him.  Mulder could see that the snake had been
guarding a cave.
        Suddenly a frog came hopping out of nowhere andm, in a flash, ate every
single bee.  Then it hopped on Mulder's shoulder.  "The cave holds fear but fortune,
too," it whispered.
        Mulder raised his eyebrows at the frog.  "Scully?"
        The frod didn't answer, but instead hopped off his shoulder, turned into a
mouse, and darted into a hole in one of the sugar crystals.
        Mulder walked up to the mouth of the cave of sugar.  It was dark and cold
inside, despite the warmth of the baking pie.  He thought he heard something
dripping in the distance.
        There was a flash of light, and then another.  Mulder realized that the flashes
were luminescent fish swimming in a stream that flowed along the wall of the cave. 
Looking closer, he saw handfuls of worms scattered everywhere, but the fish weren't
eating them  It looked as though they couldn't decide which to eat, darting around
sucking up one worm, but then going for another.  It reminded him of a story he
read once when he was a kid, but he couldn't quite figure out why.  
        Mulder walked on, following the stream.  His mind started to wander and
suddenly he smacked right into a wall.  The wall seemed fuzzy.  Confused, Mulder
took a closer look.  He almost screamed.  The wall was covered with squirming,
writhing caterpillars.  They were all over Mulder, too.  Right before his eyes, they
formed chrysallises and changed into butterflies.  In a blur of wings, Mulder realized
that he was rising into the air. 
        The butterflies brought him up to the blossom of a giant tulip, and dropped him
in.  Then they flew away.
        Pollen flew up, making Mulder sneeze.
        "Hey, keep it down!  I'm trying to sleep!"  It was Krychek's voice.
        Mulder looked around.  A giant spider peered down at him.  Its body was
covered with eyes.
        "What...are you?" Mulder asked.
        "What does it look like?  I'm your friendly neighborhood arachnid!"
        "Then why do you have so many eyes?  Spiders only have eight."
        "What do you think?" Krychek snapped.  "So I can keep an eye on what you're
doing!"  The spider glared at him.  "Come a little closer," it finally said.
        Mulder looked at the spider warily.  "No."
        The spider lunged forward and grabbed him with all eight legs.  "Hey!" Mulder
exclaimed.  He waited to feel its fangs sink into his neck.  But nothing happened. 
Mulder turned around.  The spider had disappeared.  And he was no longer in the
tulip, but inside an air bubble in the stream, floating among the glowing fish.
        Something caught his attention.  The fish had all gathered in a corner. Mulder
wanted to see what they were looking at, but he was afraid that if he tried to go
anywhere the bubble would pop, and then the fish might eat him.
        The fish were all fighting over one huge worm.  One fish, smaller than all the
rest, darted between the other fish and snatched it, escaping in a cloud of bubbles. 
The little fish swan past Mulder's bubble, with the other, bigger fish in hot pursuit. 
In the commotion the air bubble burst.
        Right then Mulder realized that he was growing, like Alice in Wonderland.
Before long, he was worried about what would happen if he was too big to fit in the
cave.  Just when he felt the roof getting close, Mulder stopped growing.  There was
a door in the ceiling, and he opened it.  Out dropped Scully.  Only this time she was
in human form, and wearing a long blue gown. She was slow carrying a shiny object. 


       "Congratulations!" she said.  She handed the object to Mulder.  
        It was a mirror.  He looked at it, dumbfounded.  "This is the Magic Mirror?"
        Scully nodded.
        "But...what am I supposed to do with it?"
        "Smile," she said.
        "What?"
        "Just do it."
        Mulder smiled into the mirror.  "Oh."  He reached up and picked out the piece
of spinach that had been between his front teeth since dinner.

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        The end?  My sister thinks it is.  We wrote another story about a guy who liked
golf, but it was so stupid it has no hope of being X-Filized. Absolutely none.  :)