From: ephemeral@ephemeralfic.org Date: Tue, 13 Jun 2000 18:13:41 -0500 Subject: A Place to Start by Callicott Source: direct Reply To: jcallicottw@yahoo.com Title: A Place to Start Author: Callicott E-mail: jcallicottw@yahoo.com Classification: MSR Keyword: Scully angst Spoilers: Requiem Rating: PG-13 Archive: Anywhere, just ask first please. Disclaimer: These wonderful characters don't belong to me but I know who to thank for them, so thank you CC, GA and DD. Author's Notes: This is just the first of many stories that have come spilling out of my head. If you want more just ask : ) Summary: They always manage to find a way..when what's at stake is the truth! It had been a terribly wrong conclusion. First-year rookies wouldn't have made this kind of mistake. How could they have believed those people, looked no further, jumped to the wrong conclusions and put absolutely everything on the line with such disastrous results. No...much more than disastrous results, they were unfathomable, torturous, fatal.... The words kept spiraling in Scully's mind over and over again. Stupid! How could I...why didn't I see...? She had to physically shake her head, press her knuckles to her temple to the point of physical pain to make the words stop. But she knew the answer already to the haunting questions that wouldn't leave her during the long days or the sleepless nights. The truth was that they weren't using their heads. They were using their hearts. In the past, their heads and hearts had served them well, saved their lives and their asses innumerable times. But this time, this most precarious and momentous time, their heads had failed them and their hearts were far too open and vulnerable to imagine the real nature of the risk. Mulder had said he couldn't risk losing her, and she, for the first time, accepted unquestionably his need to protect her...and, yes, she had to admit, her desire to let him protect her. The look in his eyes when he said, "I won't let you go" convinced her again that he could protect her. She felt he could do anything, for after all wasn't it Mulder who had unlocked the chains from her heart, her soul, made her believe, gone to the ends of the earth to save her for what he told her was her only destiny in life...to be with him. And she had believed, finally believed it all...the aliens, his love, all equally strange and wondrous to her. But what had that gotten her, them, she thought bitterly? Where was her cold intellect when she needed it most? How could she forget that her greatest strength had always been to question, question, question. To demand proof, to depend on no one, to save herself, so she would be the person he needed her to be. Oh my God, her brain screamed as her hand reached for the talisman, her gold cross, but felt only the empty, so empty smooth skin of her neck. Stop! Stop! She had to stop now, or else she would lose what mind she had left and she needed that more than ever if she were ever to see Mulder again. "I have to," she repeated over and over as a mantra. She just didn't know where to start and she needed a place to start from, some place she could put her mind for just a moment, to clear it, to let it rest a moment from these agonizing thoughts of guilt and hopelessness. "Breath, Scully, breath," she heard Mulder's voice and she obeyed. She closed her eyes and just demanded that she simply breath. He had never lost faith or given up hope in her. Even when she was far from accepting his truth, he had faith in hers. The truth, she taunted herself. What was the truth? How had they ever managed to find it together. She had denied him for so long, held him back so long. Her guilt and shame rose in her throat as she thought about all the times she had rejected his generously proffered ideas. No, she smiled bitterly, rejected was not a strong enough word for the absolute denial and vicious scrutiny she had subjected him to. She had tried to shackle his beautiful mind with her almighty science. Oh, God, if she had succeeded in her original mission with her earth bound and fettered sense of truth, all the wonders she would have missed and her Mulder would have ceased to exist. But he never gave up on her, not on any level. He still insisted that she had saved him. She smiled at the thought and then quickly brought her hands to her mouth to see if she really was still capable of that simple act. She remembered how his eyes filled with frank unhidden happiness whenever she deigned to give him even a little grin. Oh, he had waited so long to really make her smile. He waited from close and afar, letting her make her own way along a path he never dared doubt she would finally take...to him. When he told her that, her heart nearly broke. And even as they first took the steps to make love, he had whispered to her that more than the physical act of love, he needed to see her smile a smile of faith and acceptance that she knew this was the right thing for her...for them. "I need you not to be afraid, Scully." he breathed as he searched her eyes. "You have to show me you know this is where you should be...with me." He wouldn't move one inch closer, although she felt both their hearts about to burst. She remembered that last heartbeat and a flash of all their time together shone as a path of light and awakening. She had been set free by his love and she did smile with her lips and eyes to reveal that she finally knew the truth. Only then did he embrace her and make them as one at last. This soothing vision was soon crowded out with another cruel cry of "Why?" Why had she waited so long to find that unparalleled sense of peace and communion in his arms? Together they were simply the center of the universe. She couldn't remember if they spoke while making love, but she remembered in every corner of her body and mind all their thoughts, secrets, desires, fears and joys merging as one. She always heard his mind inside of hers. She could still hear it. She gasped sharply. She could still hear it. Now! She held her breath and felt a new wave of emotion, of senses wash over her. Wonder, wonder, questions, then a deep feeling of anger, fear, regret. Her body trembled as the almost physical sensation of thoughts being poured into her mind continued. They weren't her thoughts, but they were, they were theirs and the familiar touch upon her mind could not be denied. Her heart stopped a beat as she lost them for a moment, as if something was trying to block these thoughts from her, but then she felt another wave, almost desperate in its need to enter her mind and stronger than the rest. It was love, deep love shot straight back to her, to her heart, to her mind here on earth. Love, love, resolve, faith. "We'll find a way...She'll find a way..." It was unmistakably his mind reaching out to hers. And as quickly as she accepted the realization of what was happening to her and the thoughts found their mark upon her, they were gone. But there in their place remained a faint touch in her mind, fervent, knowing, hopeful. Scully closed her eyes for a moment to recover from and analyze what had just happened to her. She didn't waste more than a second denying that it did happen. He had made her believe and she wouldn't take one step away from his beliefs. She felt it and she knew it was true. With the thoughts now imprinted upon her mind, she felt sure there was a place to start. There was a path that she could follow to bring him home. If he could somehow cross the miles to reach her, she would succeed in reaching him and bringing him home. "I have to," she breathed out-loud, "I have to because he believes I can."